BFF just flown to hospital in trauma hawk...

[DearBFF]

So in true BPD style after I showed up at her work to ask whether or not she was talking to me... .(background: sent her a few emails and a text, called her twice no response.)

She told me my email was nasty and I came off as needy which caused her to push me away.  She also said hanging out with myself and our daughters seeing each other is not important to her... .

She goes and gets herself kicked by a horse.  Yep, and somehow I am not surprised.  I feel just awful for her, I hate that it happened, I am unbelievably grateful that boyfriend is there (so I don't have to be).

Am I doing the right thing?

Honestly, a few weeks back I would have rushed to her side.  Now I am learning if she cannot be emotionally supportive of me when I need her I have to keep my emotional distance.  It's hard because I'd like to think I'd rush to the side of any friend/family member at the hospital, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

If she asks for me I'd try to go... .honestly though my daughter is on call with his new position at work 24/7 and could get called in any minute.  I would have to take my daughter with me and she may not even be allowed at the hospital so I don't even think I could go as it is... .

I just feel like I should not rush to her side, especially because boyfriend is there.  Yet, I still somehow feel like this is a test of hers and she'll cut me off if I don't go.

Thoughts?  Oh, and she just texted me (unaware I guess that boyfriend called me already).

[sweet tooth]

Hello, DearBFF. Would it be appropriate to send a get well card? That way you can show concern without rushing to her side. It's a good compromise.

[DearBFF]

I like that idea... .the thing is I have no idea how ok things are, nor how long she will be there.

The boyfriend said he'd keep me updated, but then never got back in touch (until a few minutes ago).  Just as I posted the initial message BFF sent me a text (I am guessing a mass text) saying that she was trauma hawked to the hospital.  I responded that I know and boyfriend called me, which may have been a bad idea.  She may not have liked that he called, no clue.

I asked how she was (other than pain), if she needs surgery and said I love her.  No response.

I waited a bit and texted boyfriend asking if he was with her.  He responded "Yes. No visitors."  Which honestly relieves me a bit, although I wonder if that's true or she just doesn't want me to come (as I didn't rush her side ASAP).  Goodness it does sort of make one feel crazy to try and figure out the possibilities of them. ... .

He said he'll call me soon so I just said I'm glad he is with her and thank you.

Wow... .ok great.  So this just happened... .

I called the hospital to get a room number to send the card and it turns out she doesn't have one.  She's still in the emergency room/trauma center.  So the lady says it could be 2-3 days until she gets a room so I should just wait until then.  I said ok and said I know I cannot ask specifics about her condition, but I was wondering in general what does someone go through having been kicked by a horse, like the dangers/etc?  The woman asked for my name and then said to hold on.  I thought she was getting someone to talk to me, but no she went into BFF's room.  I could hear her in the background and was just going, CRAP, no lady... .don't, but she did.  "Your friend is on the phone, who is she can I tell her about your condition?" etc... ."muffled sounds (to the effect of no)" and then she said boyfriend will call me back.  Wonderful... .now I seem like some kind of stalker for trying to be nice. LOL

Well, I saw there is a digital way to send it so I was just going to do that... .really wish she hadn't busted into the room like that, though.  Won't really be a sweet note out of the blue now.

Thank you so much, sweet tooth, for the advice.  It really was great and I am doing so now.

[sweet tooth]

You're welcome, DearBFF. I hope everything works out for you and your friend has a speedy recovery. Please keep in mind the enormous amount of stress she must be in. More than likely it exacerbates her BPD symptoms.

[DearBFF]

Finally heard from boyfriend (and found a long-distance friend to vent to... .it really helped)... .BFF has a slightly torn liver, internal bleeding, slight chance of surgery and may possibly need 3 months bed rest.  That didn't go over well... .she just opened her barn so she has a full-time manual labor job along with a 3 year old daughter she has custody of half the week. 

I'm guessing her head is about to explode... .as is mine from the stressful day.

On top of all this I'm waiting to hear back about an offer we made on a house this morning.  *fingers crosed*

Thanks again, sweet tooth!

[sweet tooth]

Wow. That is horrible. I wish her a speedy recovery, and you're most welcome.

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry you have bad news on top of drama with your BFF.   

My only advice is to try to not take her rejection of you quite so personally--yes, it is aimed at you personally, but it is not about what you deserve, it is about what she needs to do, and her mental illness.

One thought about pwBPD... .they often paint one person white and another person black, but can switch rapidly. Right now her bf seems white, and you seem black. Both can change, and probably will, often at the same time.

The best thing you can do is do something showing you care, like flowers or a get well card, as it is the right thing to do for a good friend, whether she is playing games or not.

[DearBFF]

Grey Kitty, that is a great way to look at it!  Thank you!   

I think the hardest part is just not having other close friends, and I do try... .today I tried and it didn't work.

Also, because we are "best friends" I even have people asking me how she is and I have no more information than they do from a mass facebook message boyfriend posted.  They think I'm talking to her, as of course they would as it makes sense... .  I would think someone was in communication with their best friend in the hospital too.

Yes, very much so about the black and white!  The very good thing which is different than the past is that this time when I showed up she did not have a huge blow up about it.  She was calm... .she said not very nice and downright rude, not to mention completely false things but she wasn't raging or yelling just frustrated or annoyed or something like that.  That's HUGE!

I honestly wonder a bit if part of me is upset or thrown off kilter or the like because I expected her to be upset by the email only because I assumed that to be the reason she went into no contact.  However, I also expected her to fly into some kind of rage at my arrival to talk to her yesterday and she didn't.  Maybe like I didn't know how to deal with that?  The part that hurt most though is the rejection... .it is painful and mostly because I'd love nothing more than to talk to her but I don't dare pick up the phone.

I sent the ecard yesterday and heard nothing back.  I had hoped boyfriend would call with an update, but he hasn't.  Since she got a room today I thought he would let me know as I think she can receive visitors, but he didn't.  If she is there much longer I may drop off flowers as I have a vase I thrifted a few weeks ago for her, but sunflowers (her favorite weren't in season yet).  I will just drop them off though (partly to save money as it would be more expensive to have the hospital/florist deliver them).  I guess that's why I bought that vase, and why they weren't in season yet.  I needed to deliver it to her at the hospital.

Thank you!  So very much... . 

[DearBFF]

UPDATE: I texted boyfriend after not hearing any updates yesterday other than the mass facebook post he made.  He apologized for not getting in touch sooner, which I so greately apprecaited.  If they stay coupled it's so nice to know at least I could call one of them and get in touch if I ever needed to since she is not very reliable to make contact with.  He is so nice!

I followed the suggestion of sending flowers and I added a care package.  This is the least I would do for a friend in the hospital and although I did drop it off I did not hand it to her in person.  I left it at the front desk and had it delivered.

This morning I got a phone call from her to thank me.  It was a bit hard to talk with her as she was barely whispering, and I could tell she was in a lot of pain.  She told me the story of how she got kicked and said she is still waiting to hear if the bleeding has stopped in which case she would not need surgery.

I told her I appreciated the phone call and she said she would get back in touch later.  We exchanged I love yous and hung up.

All in all a very good phone call after a week of no contact, other than my visit before her accident.  I am very glad to be included in supporting her but also very glad I do not have to be at her side 24/7.  I'm so stressed out from my own stuff at the moment I couldn't have done it, it would have been too intense.

If she brings it up I would definitely like to visit her in the hospital.  Perhaps we can play some hands of cards with the deck I put in her care package.

I wouldn't mind helping her once she gets home since boyfriend surely needs to get back to work soon.  We have a flexible schedule I could split the days with her boyfriend so he can get some work done earlier and then be with her when he finishes.  I will definitely not offer this out of nowhere, but if she asks I will try to work out something that works for us both.  It will definitely not be spending 24/7 there with overnights unless boyfriend goes out of town (as he does sometimes for work).  Then I could do one or two nights, especially if she has her daughter because then the girls could play and she could know her daughter is having fun even if she just ends up resting up and sleeping all day.

It's great to have the space to breathe in order to just think about what I would be ok with, instead of having been the first phone call and being expected to be there 24/7.

Thank goodness for boyfriend!  

Thank you all for the support and advice I really appreciate it!

[Grey Kitty]

I'd suggest you give her some space, reaching out in a way which honors two things at the same time.

• Not chasing after her when she's painted you black / is rejecting you / etc.



• Anybody in that medical condtion will find their energy level and availability to be with people and be supported is both limited and unpredictable

What does that mean? Maybe text her and say "Can I stop in at the hospital to cheer you up sometime soon? I'm free after works today and tomorrow; Please let me know if there is a good time, and I'll do my best if it is on short notice. Heal well and quickly!"

The key thing I'm trying to do is set it up so she feels safe inviting you at her discression and on her schedule (at least within the time you are available).

I'm not sure if spending the night in the hospital with her is a good idea or not... .I wouldn't suggest that, although if she asked, I'd consider it. But I don't know her like you do.

[DearBFF]

I'd suggest you give her some space, reaching out in a way which honors two things at the same time.

Most definitely... .I just wanted to show support and am content in the way I did so.  It doesn't quite feel like she's painted me black, I don't know what to call it.  It was a push most definitely, but not quite a devaluing/black thing.  At least it doesn't feel like it.  This is why I am letting her come to me, call me... .the last thing I want to do is go rushing in.  Deep down I feel like I would want to be at anyone's side who I was close to, but I know she's not anyone and the way she is and most other people are is totally different.  It's like you need a whole new rule book.

I'm not sure if spending the night in the hospital with her is a good idea or not

Boyfriend sent a picture update, it was so good to see her in a picture standing up with a grin on her face in her hospital gown still of course.  He said they should be releasing her tomorrow, so the bleeding is slowing down and she will not need surgery.  *fingers crossed*  I meant spending the night at her house if he goes out of town to help her especially with her daughter.  A sleepover only in the case that he goes out of town not in general as those with the girls don't seem to go well.  Yet, when she is at half strength they go much better, which is to say she gets hurt/sick a lot.  When we do sleepovers without the girls they're usually great.  A fun night out or staying in for a movie.

I honestly feel like I won't even bring it up unless she does.  Then offer to split days with her boyfriend only while my husband is at work.  My daughter's school schedule is flexible so she could take her week off for spring break early and it's no big deal for us.  Also, since hubby would be at work we wouldn't miss out on any time with him.  Yet, I want her to bring it up.

I do worry that at some point she will say something like "you weren't at the hospital, didn't come to visit me, or come to my house" but she made it perfectly clear if she has time to me and/or wants to see me she will call.  Granted it was probably mostly the BPD talking, but I definitely don't want to ignore this as that would just backfire I'm sure.  If she contacts me tomorrow, however, I have appointments so that's out but I will mention that Friday we are available.  So if she is taking visitors then we'd love to see her.  That way she understands when she waits until the last minute I may have other plans, but I still do want to visit with her and see how she is doing.

Thoughts?  What do you think the chances are about her getting mad I didn't show up without an invitation?  I just feel like she would think there was some unwritten expectation for me to.

[DearBFF]

 Gray Kitty!

I have been thinking about what you said... .giving her space yet putting an offer to visit/help out there, but around my schedule.  The more I thought about it I realized that I offered help but in a generic way, instead of in a more specific way with some boundaries.  This way I don't get stuck spending the night when I might not want to, or end up there entire days when I would like to limit the time to certain hours.  So I thought about it, and ran it by my husband and came up with an offer I could make that I would be ok making and I decided to make it to boyfriend leaving it up to him to discuss it with her so I take myself out of it completely.  This way I am not chasing her down to get her on the phone, he in my opinion is not BPD and his behavior is always very rational so I knew he would be accepting of hearing about my offer, plus he is up front and would tell me he didn't think he should even present it to her.

I sent him a text and he called me back (it's so weird to think that this is so rare for me, but I'm so used to the whims of BFF that having someone with good communication skills is amazing).  He said, "That's an awesome offer!  Thank you!" and said he would run it past her. 

He said that he's actually still been working the whole time and he's having trouble even getting to visit her.  He has to argue with her on the phone just to stop by for a visit.  Yep, that's her... .last week she said to me that she doesn't need anybody.  To me, while being dependent is not necessarily healthy I think we all NEED people.  She likes to think she doesn't and then life goes and hands her this... .  I hope she doesn't refuse EVERYONE, even if she refuses me, but that's her choice.  I just know if she overdoes anything she may end up back in the hospital.

My daughter has a very flexible school schedule since she does virtual school and her spring break is coming up.  I told boyfriend we could take next week off as our spring break and be available from about 9am-2/3pm.  BFF is always mentioning her growing pile of laundry and I know that is one thing she should not be doing, carrying around a heavy basket of clothes.  So I offered to help her do laundry and with other housework so she doesn't have to.  I told him to mention that I have been needing a break myself lately so she'd really be doing me a favor as well, as he said she doesn't want to take any handouts so she is refusing help often (he sounded a bit frustrated by it).  I also said if she is up for it perhaps we could play a few hands of cards as I had been joking about kicking her butt.  I stressed to him that I just wanted to offer, and to let her know that she can kick us out whenever she wants so if she gets tired and wants to nap the rest of the day that's no problem.

What do you think, Grey Kitty?  Thank you! 

I feel very proud of myself as I truly thought it out and offered only what I was comfortable with.  This barely messes with my schedule at all and allows me to be home mid-afternoon when my husband arrives.  It gives my daughter and I a respite from school (which we could very much use).  I mentioned something fun we could do together so she knows I'm looking to keep it light.  Plus, I already offered her an out in case she wants some space she can say she's tired and wants a nap so we'll just leave early that day.

[Grey Kitty]

DearBFF, I think that sounds fantastic. I’m going to comment on three parts.

1. You are engaging her with good boundaries, offering to support her and be with her based on when you really are available. This is simply all kinds of awesome.

Note: Enforcing/Involving boundaries like that does challenge the status quo (her stomping across your boundaries!), and does get some pushback in many cases, but once it gets settled and baked into the relationship, it will actually be more comfortable for both you and her. She might even thank you for it someday! (I’ve seen it happen!)

2. You are involving her BF in how to care for her and support her. Given that she is difficult, this is also wonderful.

3. You are using her BF as an intermediary in your offers to help her.

This seems good for now, but probably not a good habit.

The issue is that she is difficult to communicate with, and while you may be misunderstood if you communicate directly with her, at least you get some direct feedback showing how you are misunderstood. Lots of bits can get lost through an intermediary like that, so if she is out of the hospital, I think it is better to offer her things directly if you can.

I don't know if you have seen the articles here about the Karpman drama triangle; it is worth paying attention to, as your BFFwBPD likely tries to pull people into this kind of thing.

But that doesn't mean you should stop talking to her BF, just be careful about how much you use him as an intermediary.

[DearBFF]

Thanks a bunch, Grey Kitty!  

1. Good Boundaries

I actually wish she would create some with me because for instance part of why she mad this last time is that one week she sees her daughter 5 days and the other 2.  She wants her all to herself those 2 days, but has never mentioned this to me.  Instead of telling me this she has simply started dodging my phone calls and not getting back in touch, that week especially but truly in general.  I have no way of knowing that piece of information if she does not tell me and it's a perfectly reasonable thing for her to want.  If she had told me that in the first place I could have respected that and not tried to make plans that week.  It is frustrating because most of the time I call my daughter is there asking if she can see her friend and knows that BFF does not pick up, it upsets her too as it's hard to understand why someone is ignoring you when you're 5.

Also, she when she's close to you and you are white and shiny she says things like, "Stop by anytime."  Then I call to see what day is good to make plans for the girls to get together and she's telling me which days are bad/good.  If anytime was really what she meant then there wouldn't be good/bad days.  That's why I ignore her when she says this even though she will sometimes say "You don't have to check with me just come by."  If there are bad days though and she doesn't want me there on those I don't want to show up to her being annoyed we are there.

2. & 3. Boyfriend

It is so nice to deal with someone who uses regular communication and does not simply ignore people or let calls go to voicemail and ignore texts indefinitely.  I text he texts back, I call he answers or returns my call within a reasonable time.  Honestly, he balances her out so well in this respect at some point she should just put him in charge of her communication and plan making.

I have been going to him first for the last week because she was in the hospital and he specifically said since they needed to keep her stress down they asked that all communication go through him.  He was stepping out to take phone calls and return them so she didn't have to be bothered with everyone bombarding her for information.  It worked well it seems.  I definitely won't make it a habit, but I think in the future if she ever shuts me out for a long period of time again like a month or two or three (the longest she's gone) I would call to ask how they are doing.  This way she would know I am thinking of her but respecting her no contact, even if I disagree with it.


So I was so happy this morning making the phone call and it all seemed perfect, then it hit me... .a failure in my plan.  I asked him to let me know by the end of the day.  This is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of someone, but it didn't occur to me that once he mentions my offer to her she might want to eject him from the deal and contact me herself.  The problem being that is not her strong suit.  

So now it's evening, and I texted him to see if she made it home safe and ask if he shared my offer with her.  He did, and she said she'd get in touch with me.  Um... .yep, I have this feeling that either will never happen or it'll be Sunday night and she'll ask me to show up Monday morning/etc. which is a bit annoying.  It's the one thing I let slip, but in trying to give her space I do not want to call her to find out.  So now I'm kind of left hanging.

I had told him I needed to know by tonight so I could let my daughter's teacher know tomorrow.  The truth is that I was able to speak to the teacher earlier today and gave her the heads up we might not do school next week, she said that was fine either way.  So truly she could let me know late Sunday and I could still go through with the plan of helping her out.  It is just frustrating that I didn't realize once it's in her hands the reasonable response time is GONE.    Bummer... .

What are you thoughts on that, Grey Kitty?


As for the Karpman triangle I have seen those articles!  I definitely want to stay out of that as much as possible!  She plays the victim so much, but I notice when she's doing it to me and back out as fast as possible.


I will definitely keep talking to BF in general.  Now that she is out of the hospital though I will return our conversations to other topics.  I know he used to live in my area and wonder where the good walking trails are out here.  He has probably ridden his bike on there so I will probably send him a message to ask next week sometime.  I hope to always keep in contact with him like that just friendly chit chat.  

I will say that I do feel a bit nervous thinking about the day he might ask me why he hasn't seen me around (especially if they move in together), if she is going through a push/black phase with me.  My answer would probably be that she hasn't invited me... .she would probably not like that, but even the therapist said it's not my job to cover for her.

[DearBFF]

I wanted to post more specifically about boundaries and getting a response within a reasonable time so I continued this conversation with a new topic.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291449