14 months out...an update.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, I haven't been posting as much. I just check in occasionally, but wanted to give you an update. I see now that people who were in my position when I first came here are right... .It does get easier. I am finally out of the FOG. I see how bad my marriage was. I am not overjoyed being alone, but I do see I am much better off now. My STBX husband has now finally paid the lawyer enough to get going on a hearing for my filing adultery on him as he wishes, so this doesn't drag out even longer. I can only hope he pays the rest as he is requested to do so. I know he has lost his management position at work, he and his current gf have moved into a place together and are having a baby in the middle of May. We will not be divorced then, but I am sure she is chomping at the bit to marry him. In some way I think she is being given every opportunity to find out who she is really with before doing so, but I am sure being pregnant doesn't help. I feel they are both going to get what they deserve in the end. I shutter to think of him with a new born child. I am sure his parents are having the same thought. It is hard to imagine and just have to shake the thoughts out of my head. I feel bad for that baby.  I hear he is very flirty at work, so his being in a new store, in a new position, I am sure he is working on another person to have another affair with. I have not been dating or even thought of dating. I like to go out with my girlfriends and have dinner or go to a show. That's it. I am downsizing where I live in order to have a more affordable place in a month. I think I took the bigger place because I thought he would come back. Also, it was hard to go from a nice house to an apartment. I still miss my house... .more than I miss him I realize,lol. It is amazing to me how I was crying all the time to now I am ready to be divorced. It is still sad and I get lonely... .but I would rather live in peace than to deal with his crazy behavior any more. I have to say, I am wondering when he will get back to it. My sister says I don't know that he isn't! I know his pattern well and it will come. I know there is no way he has changed. I also know for sure he is still lying. I hear plenty from people! The gf finally changed her Facebook to private and I see now that not being able to see what is going on is so much better for me. It was so hard to stop, I am glad she did this finally. If you can get yourself to stop looking, it makes a world of difference- I could not. If all goes well, I will be divorced in about 3 months. I am ready- wishing I didn't have to see him in court though. I keep you posted... . 

[Herodias]

Hi, I haven't been posting as much. I just check in occasionally, but wanted to give you an update. I see now that people who were in my position when I first came here are right... .It does get easier. I am finally out of the FOG. I see how bad my marriage was. I am not overjoyed being alone, but I do see I am much better off now. My STBX husband has now finally paid the lawyer enough to get going on a hearing for my filing adultery on him as he wishes, so this doesn't drag out even longer. I can only hope he pays the rest as he is requested to do so. I know he has lost his management position at work, he and his current gf have moved into a place together and are having a baby in the middle of May. We will not be divorced then, but I am sure she is chomping at the bit to marry him. In some way I think she is being given every opportunity to find out who she is really with before doing so, but I am sure being pregnant doesn't help. I feel they are both going to get what they deserve in the end. I shutter to think of him with a new born child. I am sure his parents are having the same thought. It is hard to imagine and just have to shake the thoughts out of my head. I feel bad for that baby.  I hear he is very flirty at work, so his being in a new store, in a new position, I am sure he is working on another person to have another affair with. I have not been dating or even thought of dating. I like to go out with my girlfriends and have dinner or go to a show. That's it. I am downsizing where I live in order to have a more affordable place in a month. I think I took the bigger place because I thought he would come back. Also, it was hard to go from a nice house to an apartment. I still miss my house... .more than I miss him I realize,lol. It is amazing to me how I was crying all the time to now I am ready to be divorced. It is still sad and I get lonely... .but I would rather live in peace than to deal with his crazy behavior any more. I have to say, I am wondering when he will get back to it. My sister says I don't know that he isn't! I know his pattern well and it will come. I know there is no way he has changed. I also know for sure he is still lying. I hear plenty from people! The gf finally changed her Facebook to private and I see now that not being able to see what is going on is so much better for me. It was so hard to stop, I am glad she did this finally. If you can get yourself to stop looking, it makes a world of difference- I could not. If all goes well, I will be divorced in about 3 months. I am ready- wishing I didn't have to see him in court though. I keep you posted... . 

[C.Stein]

I am happy to hear you are doing better Blue.  I know it has been a long hard road for you and I am glad to see you are being more optimistic and are now moving in a positive forward direction.  I am proud of you for your strength and perseverance through all this.  I know it has not been easy for you.

It is still sad and I get lonely... .but I would rather live in peace than to deal with his crazy behavior any more.

Sometimes I feel I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to risk feeling the pain I have felt because of my relationship with my ex.  There is no way to underestimate a sense of peace you get without having the nearly constant feelings of  anxiety, stress, fear, guilt, etc... .that unfortunately come with  borderline relationships.  While I am still experiencing these feelings from time to time they are significantly less than they were and the physical impacts of dealing with those feelings and emotions have disappeared.  I believe I am nearly out of the FOG as complete clarity seems to be within reach at long last.  I do however still struggle with my feelings and emotions.  That will take more time.

[Itstopsnow]

So happy for you Blue! That is great! I was stuck too! Googling his name kept me stuck to him emotionally . But stopping all forms of looking him up or any of his girls up does help. Keep up the good work! He will never change and you are on the track to a healthier life without that toxic chaos known as BPD world!

[Herodias]

Thank you both... .what you said stuck out to me though C.Stein... ."Sometimes I feel I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to risk feeling the pain I have felt because of my relationship with my ex."  I am afraid  myself. This is why I am not dating. I have no interest in meeting new people. Oddly enough, I have reached out to an old friend that I kind of dated over a decade ago that is now a widower. He has a 13 year old son and his wife died 5 years ago. He has been pretty reclusive and says he likes it. I feel the same way, yet I force myself to go out to dinner to get out with friends or go to a show where you don't have  talk to strange people really. I checked in on him 4 months ago and we had a good talk, but heard nothing.  I just text with him the other day and he and I said we would meet for lunch sometime... .I don't see it as a date, just old friends getting together. Although I have always liked him in a way... .I feel comfortable with someone I used to know as opposed to someone new. Who knows, he may chicken out of getting together since he is in this phase of spending all his time with his son. We have a mutual friend that he had lunch with about 5 months ago and she said he was trying to do some online dating, but was only meeting psychos (I can believe this after knowing what I know now!). I would never go online to meet someone,  Anyway, who knows what will happen, but I don't want to be so afraid the rest of my life, but I think I may be. Just wondering how do you approach people with what you went through? I don't want to look like a crazy person myself for staying in this so long ... .I also don't want to scare someone off. I told him the last time we talked, when he asked what happened in my marriage, that my husband was "not very honest"... .he said "boys will be boys". The thing is, I do want to be a bit more open about it. A friend of mine said that I could tell him that I realized later in my marriage that I married someone with a personality disorder and I had no idea... .I tried to stay together because of my vows, until it became impossible. What do you think the best approach on this would be. The thing is, he knows he was allot younger than me (oddly enough, the last time I saw him, I was running off to meet with my husband-then boyfriend) and I just don't like the idea that people think that I was stupid marrying someone young and of course they left for a younger person! I know deep down that had nothing to do with it and I know I shouldn't care what people think, but when it comes to people you are a bit closer to, I think you should be able to share a bit more. Any thoughts? I hope I am not setting myself up to be hurt again, but he could feel the same way and maybe it would be good to be with someone feeling the way I do- afraid! ... .now I am just thinking out loud... .  I have no idea... .

[C.Stein]

Blue,

There are things in the past that should stay in the past.  While I do whole heartedly believe openness and honesty are of critical importance in a relationship there are some details about our pasts that should not be disclosed.  Our past experiences do shape us into who we are today and can sometimes point to where we may be going but it often times does not allow consideration for personal growth.  It is extremely difficult to not "judge" someone based on their past actions/decisions.  This many times does not leave room for considering a persons growth over time ... .i.e. learning from experiences.  People will judge you for the actions/decisions you have made and tend not to see the personal growth that may (or may not) have occurred.  

For myself I firmly believe that people should be seen for who they are today not who they were a year ago or ten years ago.

Now one could argue past actions point to possible future actions and while this may be true and should be taken into consideration it isn't fair to judge someone based solely on a few of their past actions.  I want to believe in a persons ability to grow and learn from their life experiences, to believe in the good within someone and to trust that person.  Because of this I don't ask a lot of probing questions about a persons past nor do I volunteer a lot of detailed information about my past.  The kind of questions that would be asked in this type of situation (past relationships) is only a part of who a person is today.  If they want to share their past with me that is fine but I do not require it and I try my best to never judge that person based on a handful of past actions/decisions that they may choose to divulge.  What IS important to me is how/who they are today, what their words/decisions/actions say about them today and how those impact me and a (potential) relationship today.  

That said, if I were to believe the past predicts the future I would probably not be here right now.   :'(

However it still does not feel right for me to subscribe to this type of thinking even after being destroyed by my ex.

I guess what it all comes down to is this.  I wouldn't recommend volunteering detailed information about your past.  While your past has shaped you into the person you are today it is the combination of life experiences that make up who you are today not just your romantic relationships.   A single experience or handful of experiences does not define you as an individual so try not to lead the other person into thinking it does.  :)oes that make any sense?

[Herodias]

It does... .thank you. It's tough, I still want to talk about things, but you are right. It's my one area of weakness... .I am very open and honest. I see now how that got me into trouble with my stbx in the first place.