Silent Treatment/Asking for space. Not sure what to do

[Thamobb]

Hi, new to the forum and I'm really becoming overwhelmed with the all the great information on the site. My gf of two years, I suspect has BPD.She's told me in the past about her depression/low self esteem/fear of abandonment/father issues, lack of a life/friends and other issues before, but I thought nothing much of it cause she rarely shows it. Lately things have been going downhill because I started doing numerous things (neediness, clingy, pushing when she pulls) to lower her respect/attraction to me and she communicated this to me in a way that I had to read between the lines and stated that she was still committed to working it out with me. I appreciated this. So I started working on that, being more of a challenge, going out more (she specifically told me to go hang with friends) but once I started doing these things, she became (sorry for the lack of a better word) real b___y and jealous. I don't know if me having fun without her caused this but after innocently sharing another one of my fun nights  out with her she's gone completely cold to me and won't respond to a text or call.  In the midst of all that, I did make a mistake and said something that may have triggered her fear of abandonment as well, but even after that we have had a couple of good conversations leading up to the previously mentioned moment of telling her about how much fun I had.(to be clear about that night, I did absolutely nothing wrong in any way) She hasn't responded to any of my text of trying to see what was wrong.I've only gotten her on the phone maybe once in the last month or so and the only thing she said did was mumble to not call and that she's seen my text in a tone where it almost sounded like she hated me. Even made a "joke" referencing my night out before hanging up. So some days went by and I asked her were we over, and she finally texts back and says after some days that everything is "fine" and that she just needs some space and that she'll contact me soon. I replied ok I understand, I'm here for you if you need me. Well it's been almost 3 weeks and I've heard nothing from her. She is the "shut down"/ignoring type when things goes bad but never for a reason like this or this long.  She’s been with her friends and active on social media.  Should I reach out again at all? I was thinking about making a fb post i know she’d see indirectly saying some things regarding our situation. I love her dearly and I’m really not sure what to do and I don’t want to screw up our long term relationship for good by pushing her away more trying to talk to her after asking for space  or making her think I don't care by acting non chalent like it's not bothering me to only validate her feelings that no one loves her. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if this post is a little confusing or all over the place, I'm just really emotional and rapidly seeking for advice. Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Thamobb,

How have things typically gone for her when it comes to relationships ending?

It can be ok to contact her, though most people trying to rekindle a relationship seem to come on too strong with desperation, which doesn't work out. She likely needs a reset, to see you as the guy she initially fell in love with. If she's BPD, there's a good chance she doesn't want to rehash, whereas this can be very hard for a non-BPD person.

Can you write her something neutral, just a hey, how's it going?

Whatever you decide to do, it's a good idea to learn everything you can about validation in the meantime -- it will come in handy. That, and boundaries. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship, and being the emotional leader is essential in these relationships.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Thamobb, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  In my view, there's nothing to do.  Reaching out is likely to backfire, I suspect.  She knows you are interested to recycle, so Let it go for now.  Time to focus on taking care of yourself.  Usually, we Nons are attracted to a pwBPD due to our own issues, often dating from childhood.  It might help you to think about why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hang in there and don't beat yourself up!

LuckyJim

[Thamobb]

Hi, thanks very much to the both of you. I've read up on validation and I wish i had read it earlier. It would've helped me out immensely because I have a hard time getting her to communicate and I believe I could've saved us both a lot of headaches with that approach. Thanks very much for that. I've yet to read up on boundaries yet, but I will.

But hmmm, I'm conflicted now. I've seen people with borderline say that their fear of abandonment makes them push you away hoping that you will fight even harder to stay. And I've also seen people say to give them their space and it will backfire if you do keep attempting. Im completely lost here =/. It would be easier to continue to give her space if i didn't see how she's acting with friends and people on social media. Like flirty like comments to other guys. Pictures showing a lil more skin than usual. I've never seen her act like this, and it's making me question where I stand right now. It's very hard to deal with and I almost can't take it. I was planning on saying something to her but now after the last post going against it, i just don't know what to do. She says we're not done but her actions are saying otherwise for the most part. I'm just in a limbo here. I don't know if I should fight more or just stop. I'm trying to just focus on myself but it's so hard not knowing if your life is about to take a major turn. I feel like I hurt her by causing a trigger of abandonemnt and I don't know if she wants me to keep trying or if that would just make it worse. *sigh* Any more advice would be great guys. Thanks so much for the advice so far.


And to answer the first question, this is her first adult long term relationship so it's not much past to go off... .

[Thamobb]

And if this matters, she still looks at my Facebook and instagram and hasn't changed her passwords that she knows i have access to on both of those.

[livednlearned]

Hey Thamobb,

Not all people with BPD are the same, just like not all non-BPDs are the same. Fear of abandonment is a core part of BPD, there can also be a fear of engulfment too. Some have comorbid things going on, some have substance abuse issues, there can be more or less narcissism. There really isn't a one-size fits all way to handle what you're dealing with.

What does unify a lot of us here is that we arrive feeling emotionally maxed out. Whatever happens, you have to rebuild back to being your original awesome self  because it takes emotional strength to be with someone who has BPD. She feels and reacts to everything intensely, both real and imagined. It's tempting to start reacting to her reactions. Instead, try to take a 30,000 foot view, the big picture. It's hard! It's also part of being with someone who struggles with a mental illness. No matter what else happens, this is job #1, to get squared away with your own stuff. The BPD-ish person in my life can get triggered if I answer a question distractedly. He'll storm out of the room, slam his door, and go from zero to 10 in 3 seconds. I let him cool off, and when I call him to dinner, I'm easy going and casual, Hey dinner is ready, come down when you're ready, etc. If I chase him and tell him how scared I am when he reacts like that, and I worry about whether he'll still like me or whatever, then we're both floundering and no one is upholding the bar of emotional health. It usually isn't going to be him so it has to be me. And it has to be you.

Meanwhile, it's hard to say how she'll react if you reach out. If you do decide to test the waters, it's probably best to hit reset and be light, not dredge up intense relationship topics, as tempting as it may be. If you reach out and bomb her with desperation and neediness, it's not exactly the best look if you know what I mean. It's a sign you're asking her to take care of your own abandonment anxiety and depression, and that's not a winning proposition for someone who has you on the fence.

Steady yourself. 

[Thamobb]

Thanks again for your response. Very much appreciated and informative. I wish I had come across this site and researched BPD earlier because looking back on it, it's soo many things I've handled and reacted to in a textbook wrong way that I feel that I am more to blame than anything (even though my intentions were always good) because if i was as informed as i am now, I highly doubt it would have gotten to this point. I just hope I'm able to redeem myself and this lack of knowledge doesn't cause a great loss and deal of hurt in the big picture. But wow, you mad some really enlightened points and perspective. The point about my fear of Abandoned  has me feeling like "Inception" Lol. I didn't want to say this because I don't want to give too much detail in case she reads these forums, but her birthday is tomorrow so I'm thinking about testing the waters then. I'm not sure about how to go by doing it. Maybe I do it on Facebook and not in her text? Do I ask how she's doing? I'm leaning towards your advice about not going too serious but there's this part of me that really wants to address what I did to trigger her abandonment and validate her feelings and all of that, because I honestly should've known better, but it was just a in the moment, emotional impulse, and i immediately regretted it. I feel like I need to acknowledge what I did and to reassure her. Is this typically not a good idea?  Although we talked passed it, I just feel like she tried to power through it, and just wasn't able to after a while. And she has a history of holding out until I say/do the right thing. But like I said, this one has a different feel to it. And to top of it off,  it's hard to be very nice cause i still feel kinda betrayed by her flirty tone on social media lately. I'm really just repeating myself and venting/thinking out loud at this point. I appreciate all the replies so far. Still thinking of what to do... .

[livednlearned]

Thanks again for your response. Very much appreciated and informative. I wish I had come across this site and researched BPD earlier because looking back on it, it's soo many things I've handled and reacted to in a textbook wrong way that I feel that I am more to blame than anything (even though my intentions were always good) because if i was as informed as i am now, I highly doubt it would have gotten to this point.

Hey Thamobb,

Don't beat yourself up. Really. Dealing with BPD is not intuitive. Even if you did everything perfectly, you can't control the outcome. You can only control what you do and hope for the best, or at least try to minimize the worst.

And if it's her birthday, that's a nice opening. Keep it light! "Hey, happy birthday. Doing anything fun to celebrate?"

The holding out until you say the right thing can make a person crazy. I used to think of it as Door #1, Door #2. I thought if I could just figure out the right door, everything would be cool. Sometimes, though, it's just about getting you to try a bunch of doors. Validation works way better than running around trying to figure out the right door. And if validation doesn't work, next might be checking in with your values and boundaries.

Don't get on the roller coaster. Stay grounded!

[Thamobb]

Hmm. Hope this isn't gonna come up as a double post. I didn't see the one I just submitted. Anyways, thanks livednlearn. Your screen name really says it all haha. But I'm gonna take your advice and go with something light tomorrow around the birthday thing. I do have one more question atm, though. As you say, there's no magic blueprint with this and everyone is different, but based on your experiences/opinion or anyone else who's reading and wants to jump in, is it "advisable" to only acknowledge what happened to start this if she's the one to bring it up? My logical thought process would be wanting to heal the wound as much as possible by acknowledging that i now understand and know what I did and to validate her feelings. I don't wanna get too serious too soon, but I also don't won't her to bottle it up and it come out later. And i also want her to know that I understand her and make her comfortable and confident that she's safe with me and can express her feelings. Would that not be advisable to try and bring up on my own after trying to keep it light? Again, i know it's no way to know for sure, but I'm just trying cross my t's and dot my i's as much as possible before going in. Thanks again. Off to reading about values and boundaries.

[tryingsome]

Don't beat yourself too hard on this. pwBPD are notorious for setting you up for no win situations.

Go out with friends (but really don't).

Don't buy me awesome presents (but really do).

Be your ownself (but listen to everything I have to say).

My ex even told me at one point I could go have sex with other women.

Like that wasn't setup for some future fight I would never condemn.

And this, considering she would get mad if I even said hello to a server at a restaurant.

But in hindsight, maybe I should have taken her up on that offer. We didn't work out anyways.

So the moral here is, go out with friends if that is what you want to do.

Phrase things in such a way that you are enjoying friends as SHE suggested and would want her to enjoy her friends too.

That she is great for letting you spend time with friends.

pwBPD tend to want to be in control and that includes dictating and confusing your emotions and your identity (though not necessarily purposefully).

[livednlearned]

is it "advisable" to only acknowledge what happened to start this if she's the one to bring it up? My logical thought process would be wanting to heal the wound as much as possible by acknowledging that i now understand and know what I did and to validate her feelings.

I found it helped to think of it this way -- people with BPD want a full-blown merger. That means you become an extension of them, a perfect "other." You know this isn't realistic, right? If you didn't go out with your friends, it would be something else. It would be that you didn't have her towel ready when she got out of the shower, you didn't butter her toast correctly, you didn't look at both eyes when talking to her. There will always be something that makes her feel like the merger fantasy is threatened.

You need to go out with friends. You have to have independence. Otherwise, you will slowly start to have a tiny, tiny life, where she dictates everything you do, how you do it, with constantly changing goalposts.

Your job is to help her learn that independence is ok. Validating questions are particularly helpful with this because they tell her you accept and acknowledge what she feels, even if you don't agree with what she says. And they are phrased in a way that gives her some responsibility to answer. Meanwhile, you stick to your boundaries while validating how she feels. In a BPD relationship, you might find yourself reassuring her more about things you'll be doing (going out with friends) that could be hard for her. But you don't change your plans simply because she will find it hard.

I'm guessing that some of these communication skills would've come in handy for you.

None of this has to be explained to her. In fact, I wouldn't tell her any of this.

She may have moved on from the actual incident, so why bring it up? What she's probably working through is the sadness about the (unrealistic) merger fantasy that went down. And that's on her, not you.

So if she brings it up, ask her a validating question instead of dragging in a bunch of stuff that is probably beside the point. She feels hurt for reason x, all you need to do is validate those hurt feelings. "Oh?" is a validating question    Or, "what do you think would work next time?"

Validating Questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

There's something else we talk about here called JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. This doesn't work with someone who has heightened emotions. It's actually something that ticks off even nonBPD people. When someone is feeling strong about something, listen. Don't talk at them, and try to feel empathy for what's going on.

If it turns to rage or abuse, then refer to your values and boundaries and exit stage left if that's what's best. With the BPD-ish person in my life, I know the triggers and situations that cause problems. If I want him to be cooperative, we talk in advance (when feelings are cool) about how we'll deal with things when emotions are running hot. Having his buy-in to whatever the consequence is makes it a whole lot easier for me to assert those boundaries. For example, if he yells at me, I leave the room. I'm just not someone who does well with yelling. He's actually now at a point where he will say, "I'm so mad I'm about to yell at you." Because he doesn't really want me to leave the room. It's a sign I might want to stop talking  and listen, and sometimes we'll be like that for a few minutes.

Hope that helps.