He's not at work and I feel like someting is going on, freaking out

[apepper21]

My ex pwBPD is not at work, which is highly unusual. I got a strong vibe yesterday that something is gong on. I know last week he told me his therapist had recommended hospital for suicidal thoughts but he said no.

yesterday morning he was mad at me and told me not to email him anymore about work things (which is different than what we had agreed on before). It was a real break, I stood up for myself and we passed each other later and I didn't say a word to him.

I can tell something is going on, I don't now what. We work in a SMALL company (14 people). I don't know if he went into treatment, which I don't think he did b/c he was really against it, did he give notice and quit? I don't think it's that either, he has responsibilities and he knows he can't just quit. Is he avoiding me? My mind is going crazy. I even emailed the CSO (who knows a bit of our story, not that he's BPD, but that it's been a rocky ride the R has been to hospital for suicidal thoughts and actually tried to another time, and he knows that this time of breaking up I've said no to going back b/c R has ended it so many times) asking his what's going on, that I can tell something and just want to know what so I can stop worrying... .

I was doing so well (being strong) yesterday and now I'm a mess. I honestly think he's doing this to upset me, worry me, manipulate me... .

[apepper21]

So I guess he's "taking some time off to get some care" according to out CSO.

I am totally feeling like people here blame me, that R blames me, I feel like I should email him to say I'm glad you are getting help... .

At the same time, why is it so easy to forget all the things that HE'S done to me or not done, etc and feel so bad and worry about how to react, when he hasn't thought twice about how things impact me?

So conflicted, feeling like a bad guilty person.