Getting married and moving away

[hamster33333]

Hi,

I am getting married to someone who does not live in the same country as me, and to get married I will be moving away. My mother I think has BPD since many of her behaviours match the symptoms. Usually her mood swings are focused towards my dad and she would fight with him and try to drag my brother and I into her fights to agree with a statement she said. But ever since I started dating she began focusing fights towards me, and now I am engaged and will be getting married sometime soon. My mom enjoys picking fights about this topic because I will be moving to a different country (But still within driving distance of my family). She constantly rags on the country I'm moving to, says rude things about my significant others family, calls my significant other a liar, accuses me of being up their families 'ass' (on a recent visit my significant others little cousin made my significant others mom a hat and we were video chatting my mom and she accused me of making this hat, and was really mad about it). My mom constantly tells me all the things that are wrong with me, and how I am not ready for marriage. She tries to make me feel really bad about myself all the time, and she's really rude to the individual I am marrying.

I just want advice on how to deal with the things she does. I am struggling to figure out if I want her at my wedding since she is so rude to me and my S.O's family, and the ceremony will be at a court house with just a few witnesses. I will only be getting married once and I don't want her negative attitude and rude comments and fighting to ruin a special day.

Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi hamster33333

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am sorry you are dealing with this difficult behavior from your mom while you are preparing for your marriage. Your mother sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. It seems she's engaing in the BPD behavior known as 'projection':

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Do you feel like this description of 'projection' fits your mother's behavior?

We have some material here about boundaries that might be helpful here:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Examples of boundaries

Setting and enforcing/boundaries is very important when dealing with people with BPD (traits). Boundaries help us protect our own well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with your mother? How does the thought of setting boundaries with her make you feel?

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage

[hamster33333]

Yes, I would agree that the description of 'projection' fits my moms behaviour.

I am comfortable setting boundaries with her, but have a hard time determining how to go about setting boundaries when I live with her, and I'm not sure other individuals in my family will do the same. I find that when you attempt to disengage in an argument with her it makes her more angry and she finds more bad things to say about you. I think it will be easier to set the boundaries when I am no longer living at home and she is not playing a dominant roll in my life (I pay for a roof over your head, put you through university etc.) and I can simply tell her that I will call her back when we have both calmed down and can speak calmly to one another.

Another concern I have is she knows where to attack me, and that's going on about my significant other and their family and I have a difficult time trying not to get upset and defending them, since I do not think they deserve to be attacked or have anything negative said about them. How do I deal with that without becoming upset and defensive? These are people I care about a lot and I have a hard time letting their names be dragged through the mud. Can I set boundaries about talking about their family?

[Kwamina]

Hi again hamster33333

It's tough indeed when you're still live with your BPD parent. I have an undiagnosed BPD mom and I too found it very hard when I was still living with her. Back then I didn't know about BPD and all the tools though. If I had known then what I know now about BPD, I think I might have been better able to deal with my mother's behavior.

One thing that might help you is to keep in mind that no matter what your mother says about you or other people, it most likely isn't a reflection of reality at all but only of her own inner turmoil and negativity. Keeping this in mind might help you take things less personally and stay more calm. Your mother's behavior stems from her disordered mind and is a result of distorted thinking and perception. It could very well be that in her own mind her behavior makes perfect sense.

Another thing that comes to mind is that people with BPD often have a huge fear of abandonment which can cause them to act in destructive ways. Do you perhaps feel your mother also struggles with this type of fear? Do you perhaps feel she sees you getting married and moving out as a form of abandonment?

[hamster33333]

I don't think she has a fear of abandonment, I think she has a fear of loss of control over people. She's really controlling.

I've gotten to the point where I just ignore her behaviours and carry on what I was planning on doing.

The other day I booked a ticket to see my S.O. and I have no idea how to approach telling my mother since she flies off the handle about everything. She is currently mad at 3 of the 4 members in my family, locks herself in her room and will fight with us all for the next 3 months. I decided I didn't want to deal with it so I scheduled a month visit away from home. I know that it's going to be a nightmare when I tell her and when I return home.

[Kwamina]

Why is it do you think that your mother wants to have control over other people? Is she also controlling in other areas of her life?

My own uBPD mother was extremely controlling too when I lived with her. Extreme controlling behavior can sometimes also be the outer manifestation of an inner fear of abandonment. The controlling behavior is then used as a tool to prevent the abandonment the person with BPD fears so much. The person might not even be (fully) aware of those fears and why they behave the way they do. The sad thing is that this extreme behavior often pushes people away and causes the exact abandonment that the person might so desperately be trying to avert.

You mentioned booking a ticket and not knowing how to approach telling your mother about it. Have you told her yet? We describe some communication techniques on this website that perhaps can be helpful when talking to your mother. I've selected two of them:

Communication Skills - Validation

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

The S.E.T. technique was specifically designed for interactions with a person with BPD:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

[hamster33333]

I would say my mother is controlling in other things in her life since she is a superviser so she has control over all her employees.

Those techniques are very difficult to achieve. My mother screams at the top of her lungs she gets in your face, she grabs things and starts hitting them off the bed, she grabs your hands. When you try to explain something to her she twists it to something that you did not say. She makes up conversations and scenarios thst didn't happen or only portions are true. When you decide to just get space and cool off she follows you or  calls, leaves voice mails, texts, emails. I have no way to validate her feelings when her end goal is to make me not get married and move away. It's a volatile environment. Everything everyone says or does throws her into a larger fit, she gets members of the family to back her and they do since they're afraid of it happening to them. When she screams at me I just shake and then she yells at me about the faces I make. She turns everything that she does around on me. And even when I try to do my best to take the steps you advise me to take I cannot take back the past but she will constantly bring it up. She has like 30 years of material on my dad that she just will not let go. Even if I took every step advised she would still bring the past up. I don't even know if it's worth the effort anymore. I just want this nightmare to end.

[Kwamina]

There is a time and place for everything. Techniques such as validation and S.E.T. can be helpful in certain situations, however the most important thing is to protect yourself. Being abused isn't pleasant at all and boundaries can help protect ourselves. I understand that it's extra hard when you still live with your BPD parent. Techniques such as validation and S.E.T. can help deescalate things but they don't give a 100% guarantee of succes. When your mother starts getting abusive and in your face, one of the options you might have is to leave the situation, perhaps go to another room or leave the house. You have tried that too and have mentioned how she then follows you or calls, leaves voice mail messages, texts and emails. There are tools for dealing with hostile communications that you might find helpful:

Dealing with hostile text/email communications

It's about a communication technique called B.I.F.F. which can help when dealing with hostile text/email communications. The acronym B.I.F.F. stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil) and Firm:

Much of hostile mail does not need a response... .The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

For dealing with false accusations and to help avoid circular argument, J.A.D.E. can also be very helpful:

How to stop circular arguments and deal with false accusations

Living with your BPD parent is very tough, I know that from my own experience. I've shared a lot of resources with you in this thread. Some might be more applicable to your situation than others, but I hope there is something here that you'll find helpful. You cannot change your mother, the only thing you can change is how you respond to her and though the resources I've shared with you are all different, what they have in common is the focus on changing your own responses. I hope this helps.