Hello,
I've been lurking here, reading articles and posts, for almost a year. I've been thinking many times to get an account and post my story but didn't. Not ready, too embarrased? Dunno.
I'll keep it short for my first post as my story is really complicated and I don't want to overwhelm myself or others. If I make any spelling or grammar mistakes, my apologies; I'm taking morphine for some major issues with my spine. Well, weaning myself off it right now but that doesn't seem to make my head any clearer for some strange reason.
Anyway, I came out of a short but very intensive relationship with an undiagnosed BPD guy last March/April. It's difficult to pinpoint the exact end, you'll know what I mean.
The relationship was a rollercoaster, no surprise there. We were colleagues which made the relationship and the breakup very difficult.
I felt something was 'off' with him the 1st day I met him and stayed clear. Also because I had feelings for another troubled guy at that time. Later on I felt I was drawn to him but recognized he was the silent hurt brooding dangerous typ I fall for and steered clear. For a while. It was months before we ended up in a different situation. I was hurt by the previous guy who went completely off the rails thinking he was secretly being filmed, full blown paranoia. More about that at a later stage. The paranoid guy tried to blackmail me, it was a mess, so I was very vulnerable. And I hadn't been in a relationship for 7 years by then. That also left me vulnerable. And there we were, in a training with colleagues, and suddenly he noticed me and we clicked. Or perhaps I should say he noticed my vulnerability. But that's hindsight
Whirlwind romance followed in which he pursued me like no other guy had ever done. He is ridiculously handsome (and charming when he has his mask on) and I'm not exactly miss World. It took him a while to conquer me as my intuition kept giving me warning signs. But being pursued by such a hot guy, the promise of love feeding my childhood wounds, I caved. I was madly in love and he really swept me off my feet. Finally! My soulmate! I found him!
After the first high his behaviour soon changed. I broke it off. In a loving way, saying it wouldn't have worked as obviously we were both not in a good place; he was depressed and I was on the verge of a burn-out. He had also wanted to end it as he had misinterpreted a lot of my behaviour/words and was obviously disappointed in me. But the moment I broke it off and rectified some of his misconceptions he started pursuing me again, telling others so I could hear he was still in love. I tried to resist but only lasted a few days until I let him kiss me again. And yes, I kissed back. When I told him I was still in love too but wanted something different than last time he brushed me off saying (well via Whatsapp) he could never be in a relationship and I didn't know what love was anyway. But we could be friends.
So that's what I tried. But the more distant or not romanticly interested I seemed the more he flirted with me trying to reel me back in. To find some closure from the romantic thing I tried to tell him how much he had hurt me in 1 particular incident. In a kind way, trying to explain he should not have been afraid I would ever have cheated on him (I noticed he was very afraid of that by him going into a dissociative state when a guy came on to me one night) but that flirting to the point he did in front of me was wrong.
You guessed it, he turned it around stating to everybody who would listen I accused him of cheating on me and it went sour from there. Very sour.
He got more and more colleagues and coworkers involved who all believed him. I can see why, I fell for him too, all these people are mesmerised by him. Like moths to a flame. He has something almost magical. His nickname is Catnip for a reason
Anyway, he kept stabbing at me in general emails to all in ways only I would get, getting his enabler friends to gossip about me, isolate me etc.
Halfway down last summer I could take no more and reported sick. At a certain point my (new) manager forced me to come to the office and talk about reintegration at work. But the timing sucked; he just got expelled by his manager and the GM. Nobody knows exactly why but from what I've heard my best guess is he came on to one of his employees (we were both managers too), again... , she read more into it than he meant, she threatened to complain and he tried to fire her. But of course that would never be his version of events... He probably told his fanbase I got him fired which seems plausible if I suddenly show up again the week he gets his ass kicked out after I've been away for months...
I tried to start work again for a few hours a week, at another office which was the idea of the GM, so perhaps he did rant and rave about me to management when they 'requested him to leave' a few weeks before they kicked him out. I don't know. I feel I was being protected by the GM but I don't know why.
But then I really got sick and couldn't walk anymore so I've been away again since end of October. I'm slowly getting better so I will have to go back to work and my own office in the near future. I have 3 close colleagues there who know what really happened abd who support me but his enablers and adoring fans form a very Large group... I'm scared.
Especially because his normal pattern is to ___ up a job, usually a combination of a power struggle with his manager and doing inappropriate things with female teammembers or colleagues, and leave the country for either another country or his home country and start afresh. This time around he has not done that. I regularly check LinkedIn and can see he's lying and states he still works for our company. Because I cannot let go somehow I keep checking to see where he is and what he does. Which is unhealthy but it probably gives me a false sense of control as I'm afraid to run into him. Well, when I can walk again
So I found this website he just started end of last year full of depressed writings and poetry, partly in his own language and partly in English, part of which is obviously about me as it hints at some physical issues I've been having. It says I have cold eyes and an empty heart. Bullocks. Apparently he has decided to break his pattern, stay put in this city and become a writer. His first book is supposed to get out end of this month. I don't want to read it and yet I do. I know he's been back home around Christmas time as I found a picture of him with some friends on Instagram. He looks like crap in it and even though I can remember how bad it was and even though I am very afraid of what he or his enablers might do to me I feel bad about him looking like crap.
So... this post turned out wayyyyy longer than intended but my main issues right now are:
- going back to work and surviving the tension, bullying etc there (also knowing his and everybody else's favourite bar is 70 yards away from the office with a clear view of eachother and so the very real possibility of running into him)
- going from NC (since May 12th last year) to REALLY letting go in as much as not feeling the need to check where he is, what he does etc and
- REALLY letting go of the feeling he holds the key to my happiness even though I mentally know he is not
Ahhhh... .Big post. Writers cramp. Enough for now. Thanks for "listening"
