I'm new here, please help. I think my wife has BPD, and more...

[Grego63]

 

Hello, I'm new here and it just dawned on me that my wife most like has BPD. ANY advice, help, or experiences concerning this this issue is appreciated. I also believe that she is going thru perimenopause, as if I need any extra stuff to deal with.

Here's the lowdown... .

My wife and I have been together since 1994, married since 1999. Two kids, etc. We've always had a high conflict marriage, multiple breakups and reunions, but had good times along with the bad. The last 5 years though have been Hell on her and me both. She is 49, I'm 52.

She had childhood trauma and her dad was not around at all while she was growing up. We also lost a child in 2010. Moreover, I believe she has been experiencing perimenopause for the last few years. I also think that she has BPD, or bipolar issues, or depression, or a mix and match of all these things. She has always seemed attracted to men for attention but I really never thought much of it (Daddy issues)? She can be very loving or quite mean, at a moments notice. Since 2012 or so she's seemed depressed and worse than ever. She will not seek treatment. I'm usually the focus of all out ills and the bad guy. I've not been the best husband and have been emotionally distant, not good about taking her on "date nights", etc.

So, for the last 5 yeas or so she's emotionally distanced herself from me, fought with our college age son, and thinks that our young daughter (14) doesn't need her any longer. She has often taken trips to see her sisters and party in another city (5 hours away) without me, and sometimes with kids. She has also done things that have made me think she has been cheating. You know. that list of 10 things to look for... .

FAST FORWARD to August 2015. She tells me that she is going to see family in California, her dad specifically. The timing seemed odd though because our daughter started her first day of high school one day before my wife left.

So after 3 weeks or so she said she was ready to come home, but then a relative passed so she wanted to go to that funeral. Then after that her sister offered her money to fix up a house. Then, she missed my sons birthday, then Halloween, etc. But, she assured me she would be home by Thanksgiving. Well, nope, she stayed there and me and the kids had Thanksgiving by ourselves. Throughout all this I noticed that she became even more distant with me right after the funeral. Then I started noticing a lot of text to a lot of people, especially to one certain number. In early November I called her out and demanded an explanation. She said he was a friend who she met at the funeral and that he was helping with the house remodel. I believed her.

Then, just 5 days before Christmas she came home, finally. But... .She was angry, cranky, irritable, at everyone, but especially with me.

I noticed at she seemed secretive with her phone and I stared suspecting things, of course she denied that anything was up.

Well, it all came to a head ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT... .I told her that I know that's she's cheating and that I'm divorcing her. She went nuts, broke frames pictures on the wall and hit me with a liquor bottle. She was beyond nuts. ((BAD TIMING)). My son took my daughter to his place to get her out of the house. My wife's sister and kids took off too. We were alone in the house.

I had to know the truth... .

I knew she would not break and tell the truth, so I gambled and called the phone number that she called and texted the most. Over a course of a few months she sent about 3,000 texts and called this number about 100 times. I researched on google and the pay background sites and got his name, etc. she told his professional, his normal work hours, etc, before all this erupted.

Well, I called the number, no answer. I then texted him and told him who I was, and that it would behoove him to pick up, because many of his calls and texts to my wife were made while he wason duty. He is a LAPD cop.


Finally he answered my calls and I started in on him. Guess what, he folded like a cheap tent in the wind and confessed everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

He told me that they met at a funeral on Oct 9th, and that it started innocently enough, but led to emotional feelings then sex on/around Oct 20th. So they had this affair from Oct 20th thru Dec 19th.

After we hung up I confronted her. She curled up on the couch like a baby, but would not admit to it. Then I went to bed, she followed, and wanted sex I guess. She was as complaint as a baby.

The next day I finally got her to admit it. Over the next few days she told me more things, but not all the details. Over time, weeks and months, I figured out the rest.

1. He was married with kids too.

2. He filled her many emotional needs that I did not.

3. He was very submissive to her, fulfilling needs at her command.

4. He is in the Air Force reserves, and HE TOOK HER TO THE AIR FORCE BALL in Nov

5. He took my wife to his apartment on Thanksgiving while his wife/kids were out of town

6. My wife's sister and her friends knew all about it, and condoned it.

7. My wife excessively texted and hung out wth the thugs in the neighborhood (they smoke pot and drink all the time)

8. There are so may phone calls and texts to people who I have no clue as to their identity

9. She used multiple secret messaging apps like Text Now, Google hangouts, Skype, Google voice, etc., to hide her activity after I confronted her in early November

10. She covered this all up with the most convincing lies known to man. (The lying... .Yes, the lies are the worst part of this. She was so convincing).

So, now I have had to go and re-examine my whole life with her and I think that I'm going to divorce her. At one time she was strong enough to be a good woman, but now she cannot resist whatever is inside of her driving her to do these things. Her friends and family are shocked that she would cheat. But,ne'er younger sister blurted out "You have problems, you are becoming just like Mom, you need help".

THAT's when it dawned on me this not just a bad temper, not just perimenopause, but it may be some type of mental illness. Maybe BPD, maybe something worse.

So, I'm stuck with these haunting questions... .

1. How could she cheat on me?

2. How could she stay so long away from us, especially my 14 year old daughter?

3. How can I stay with her after the cheatings, and the rest of the crap?

4. How can I help her, she won't accept any psychiatric evaluations?

Please help me out here, any comments or observations will be appreciated.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

That is a long, tough story there. Can I ask a couple questions to help clarify where you are going from here?

If I read your story right, she has been distancing herself from you for years, went away last August, but only cheated (that you know of) with one guy last Oct~Dec... .and it was at least kinda over before the confrontation... .is that correct?

Also, you described the big fight at Christmas, and say you are leaning toward divorce... .

Have you been in contact with her since then? Where is she living now?

[C.Stein]

Hi Grego,

The questions that you have are reasonable and to be expected.  Nothing can be more confusing and soul crushing than to see someone you love deeply do the things your wife has done.  If she does suffer from BPD the reasons for her behavior could be almost anything and probably none of them will be logical or make any sense to you. 

For borderlines emotions more often than not will rule the decision making process with rational thought taking a back seat.  Decisions and actions will occur with little to no consideration for the consequences, which is something my ex did on many occasions.  Once the consequences come around any associated guilt and shame can cause a wide variety of reactions.

My ex also seeks attention from other men and for me it was unsettling.  I believe she needs to feel wanted (sexually) so she looks to attract that type of attention.  She also needs to be validated so she can believe she is a good and desirable woman.  Admittedly this generated a deep seated fear within me because she had implied on more than one occasion that if her needs (not just sex) weren't met there were others that could/would.  I was "put on notice" so to speak right at the beginning of the relationship and I don't think I ever got past that due to her actions/behavior continually reinforcing that "notice".  Of course she will deny ever doing this till the day she dies, selective memory and all.

What can you do now?  This is a tough question to answer because your wife needs to be the one to realize she needs help.  You can gently guide her in that direction but ultimately the realization and decision must be hers and hers alone.