ex broke up with rebound

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex broke up with her rebound relationship, i couldn't see this coming. She had moved in with him in 3 months and i believed they would get married soon.

Now apparently they broke up, she moved in a few blocks from my house and called to see me. I told her that i have no bad feelings for her but i have moved on with my life and i am with a new gf (its true). I don't want to keep contacts with former girlfriends and that we couldn't be friends. She added me on fb (i didn't accept) although i have a cover photo with my gf.

What's going on with these people... i still have feelings for her but she scares me at the same time. I can't jeopardize my relationship for keeping in touch with her.

Any help would be appreciated.

[hibye]

My ex broke up with her rebound relationship, i couldn't see this coming. She had moved in with him in 3 months and i believed they would get married soon.

Now apparently they broke up, she moved in a few blocks from my house and called to see me. I told her that i have no bad feelings for her but i have moved on with my life and i am with a new gf (its true). I don't want to keep contacts with former girlfriends and that we couldn't be friends. She added me on fb (i didn't accept) although i have a cover photo with my gf.

What's going on with these people... i still have feelings for her but she scares me at the same time. I can't jeopardize my relationship for keeping in touch with her.

Any help would be appreciated.

[JerryRG]

I think this is another reason non of us get real closesier, BPDs just don't stop to think they are not the center of the universe. Mine contacted me saying she had a letter for me but not my address, she lived here for months and yes she just wants to meet me to start the dysfunction train to crazy town rolling again.

Don't bite, don't take the bait, (poison). She won't / can't change.

Save your life, No Contact until they truly do improve, hell may freeze over too, Pope may be president, hmmm not in my lifetime

[WoundedBibi]

She wants you to be the rebound of her rebound  

You did the right thing. Stay clear. Nothing good can come of it. And to avoid any trust issues with your new gf I would tell her "ex tried to contact me on FB I refused" but leave out the feelings you might still have. That might *bleep* up your new relationship and honestly (after wondering around in the FOG my ex BPD led me into for about a year reading all I can find on BPD, NPD, paranoia, alcohol abuse etc) do you still have feelings for HER or is it a longing deep inside for this incredible connection you felt with her?

[hibye]

i want her to be well, i wouldn't mind to see her and talk, give her some advice, but i feel inside me that it would end badly.

[tryingsome]

i want her to be well, i wouldn't mind to see her and talk, give her some advice, but i feel inside me that it would end badly.

Just let it go. There is no wisdom to impart on pwBPD; this is kind of a white knight syndrome.

You are in control of the situation, she is not. Tread lightly and good to hear that you did not friend her on FB.

[Lonely_Astro]

Leave it be.  Do not engage.  If you give her a footing into your life, she'll push the door open before you realize it.  There is no wisdom you can give her.  That's how my r/s restarted with my ex after 3 years NC. 

Just not worth the risk, don't fall into the loop I did.

[hibye]

Thank you very much for your comments, i'll follow your advice.

Take care

[JQ]

hello hi bye,

You've received some really good guidance here from others ... .I have  a question for you.  If you know BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness and the best you can do with BPD is to attempt to "manage" their behavior to some degree ... .so the question is ... .

Why haven't you blocked her phone number to prevent her from texting & calling you?

the behavior you describe is actually quite expected from someone with BPD ... .move in ... .move out or most likely get kicked out by your replacement.  If you are truly in a good relationship ... .as someone else said ... .any contact with her will never have a good out come.

So why haven't you gone completely NC? Why haven't you locked down your FB account?

Just a couple of questions ... .

J

[patientandclear]

Blocking and locking down may be necessary for some people. For others, information is helpful, and in this case, the OP seemingly is able to manage the communication.

People wBPD don't have superpowers that prevent us from making decisions as we go. Just because they write or call does not mean that we have to begin to participate again in an unhealthy dynamic.

NC is a tool to facilitate detachment. If fetishized, sometimes it can prevent a deeper detachment. This person is not larger than life. NC is not a virtue in itself. It is just a tool to allow us to re-organize our emotions when it's necessary.

[JQ]

Blocking and locking down may be necessary for some people. For others, information is helpful, and in this case, the OP seemingly is able to manage the communication.

People wBPD don't have superpowers that prevent us from making decisions as we go. Just because they write or call does not mean that we have to begin to participate again in an unhealthy dynamic.

NC is a tool to facilitate detachment. If fetishized, sometimes it can prevent a deeper detachment. This person is not larger than life. NC is not a virtue in itself. It is just a tool to allow us to re-organize our emotions when it's necessary.

P&C,

I agree with your assessment however in some cases. In this case, hibye. said, in his first post,  "i still have feelings for her but she scares me at the same time. I can't jeopardize my relationship for keeping in touch with her".  I made the suggestion to go full NC to avoid any chance of recycle by either party ... .avoiding temptation in this case since he obviously still has feelings for her to a certain degree and is in another relationship trying to move on. Avoiding the temptation to answer the call or respond to the text by going NC would be a fair & possibly logical task to complete giving the information he supplied IMHO. 

But I can understand your point that they are "NOT larger then life or have superpowers" however, for some codependents aka NONs who have not achieves this level of Zen within themselves,  it would seem as if their respective BPD might have with the control they have over their codependent.  Some might choose to go full NC to maintain that separation in order to maintain control over their behavior as they continue to work on themselves and use the tools in the toolbox that this sight, maybe their therapist have suggested.

I know for example my first exBPDgf still continues to rage, hurl nasty names, insults, in attempts to belittle me and control the situation / conversation some 20 years after I broke up with her. I've asked her NOT to contact me ever again until she can have a reasonable adult conversation.  It will be a matter of time before she attempts contact again ... .we know they do ... .it's almost in their DNA.

respectfully

J

[hibye]

hello hi bye,

Why haven't you blocked her phone number to prevent her from texting & calling you?

So why haven't you gone completely NC? Why haven't you locked down your FB account?

J

Hi, thank you for your response. I was COMPLETE NC for around 10 months, then i jumped into her once and we talked. I couldn't just walk away without even saying hello not because i wasn't strong enough but because i have forgiven her and most importantly i have forgiven me for getting into this mess.

I think the most important thing to move on (in my perspective) is to forgive. If i carry that anger about her, inside me, it may harm me as well and my following relationships.

I trully feel sorry about her and i want her to be well, but i really don't want her anymore.

When i say she scares me its because she moved in very close to me etc. but she can't control or manipulate me anymore. That's a fact.

[jhkbuzz]

hello hi bye,

Why haven't you blocked her phone number to prevent her from texting & calling you?

So why haven't you gone completely NC? Why haven't you locked down your FB account?

J

Hi, thank you for your response. I was COMPLETE NC for around 10 months, then i jumped into her once and we talked. I couldn't just walk away without even saying hello not because i wasn't strong enough but because i have forgiven her and most importantly i have forgiven me for getting into this mess.

I think the most important thing to move on (in my perspective) is to forgive. If i carry that anger about her, inside me, it may harm me as well and my following relationships.

I trully feel sorry about her and i want her to be well, but i really don't want her anymore.

When i say she scares me its because she moved in very close to me etc. but she can't control or manipulate me anymore. That's a fact.

When I look back on my own r/s, I can recognize that my ex busted all my boundaries - with my permission, of course. It takes two to tango. It seems to me (from what I've read on these boards, not an expert here) that many people with BPD have poor boundaries, and can sometimes become upset when you maintain yours.

What you described in your OP is your (strong) sense of boundaries; you want to maintain a healthy r/s with your current g/f by not dragging your ex back into the mix; you want to keep your ex out of your life because you have a healthy fear of the dysfunction she would bring back into your life. All wise decisions, all strong boundaries.

Maintain them, my friend.   

[hibye]

When I look back on my own r/s, I can recognize that my ex busted all my boundaries - with my permission, of course. It takes two to tango. It seems to me (from what I've read on these boards, not an expert here) that many people with BPD have poor boundaries, and can sometimes become upset when you maintain yours.

What you described in your OP is your (strong) sense of boundaries; you want to maintain a healthy r/s with your current g/f by not dragging your ex back into the mix; you want to keep your ex out of your life because you have a healthy fear of the dysfunction she would bring back into your life. All wise decisions, all strong boundaries.

Maintain them, my friend.   

Thank you very much for your support... i think we all kind of gave this permission in the past... it's in our hands to change our future. Take care