How to set boundaries

[Godslove]

I am trying to set boundaries. Am I doing okay?

History: We had an uncontested divorce last month after two years. I gave up half of the marital fund and giving him $400 discount CS every month. He is to reimburses me his portion (60%) of extra school activities/ counseling and half of college fund. (He already owes me more than $1500.). He gets the kids every other weekend from Fri. to Sun. and holiday split. that is it. I am the tie breaker.

After couple days of our divorce, I received email from BPDexh that he can not commit to any kids activities because he is broke. (He makes more than $100,000)

Couple days later, he emailed me about switching weekends because he needs to go out of town during his weekend. It brought me back memories that he switched weekends with lies and went out Cruise or town with his girlfriend right after disagreeing kids activities due to budget. It really made me cry with anger and pain. After that, I did not switch, got continues horrible emails and phone calls back from him but he behaved until the divorce. Now it is starting all over. I want to set boundaries even though I want to say yes and have peace.

My email: I can't do it. It is not working out with my schedule.  

BPD:  I won't be able to get the kids that weekend. Are you saying you are unwilling to switch? And you will still watch them the weekend I'm away?

My email. I am saying, "NO".  I cannot switch weekends with you. I have pre-scheduled engagements that have been planned and confirmed based on our visitation schedule.  Are you asking me to cancel my schedule and watch the kids?

His email: call me. I will be out of town that weekend.

His text: We need to communicate regarding the weekend swap. Please call me to discuss.

I am ignoring all these and not calling him or responding in writing. First, our contract says communicate in writing only, second, I feel that anything I write back to him, this is not the response he likes and will only make this email ping pong continue which I hate. I am not worried about my children as I know he will just not come to pick them up but I do not want to grant him the sense of control.

Am I not clear in my response? Am I doing the right thing ignoring his request calling to discuss? Or do I need to fight back in a different way?

[rarsweet]

The texts to call are just attempts to not leave a paper trail. Anything that goes on is just your word against his. Sticking to text or email is just safer. There is no way to argue with print. Does he have anyone safe that could watch the kids for the weekend? Technically I think he should ask you to take them if you are able, if not he is responsible for finding care.

[ArleighBurke]

Agree - stick to TRACEABLE test messages/emails. That way if anything comes up in the future, you have evidence. Also, he is more able to "bully" you on the phone. I would not suggest talking to him, but if you have to can you record it?

You should NOT enter into a debate. Clearly say your side - then ignore any attempts of him to bait you into an arguement.

But beware about being clear. Looking at your texts, he asks you to clarify whether you are saying no to the switch, or to having extra care. So what you sent probably wasn't clear.

Then, although you say NO (about switching), you then say "are you asking me to cancel my schedule... .?". He *could* (and therefore WILL) assume that this is a semi-yes - that you are indicating you ARE willing to cancel you stuff for him. Hence he wants to talk/communicate further.

Always be CLEAR, and CONCISE. And try to be HIM when proofing it - try to twist your words to make it fit what he wants. If you can't - then your message is probably clear.

It must be tough having you partner not foot 50% for stuff. You then get lumped in the position of either not having the kids participate, or footing the whole bill yourself. Again, all I can say is document it - perhaps when custody is reviewed this stuff can have an impact. Is the $ split court ordered for school activities and college fund? My sister-in-law is divorced, and her kids school send out 2 bills for the kids - 50% to him and 50% to her. That way, if he doesn't pay, it's the SCHOOL chasing him down for payment. Also (in AUS) the welfare department can deduct court ordered payments directly from his pay... .

[Panda39]

My email. I am saying, "NO".  I cannot switch weekends with you. I have pre-scheduled engagements that have been planned and confirmed based on our visitation schedule.  Are you asking me to cancel my schedule and watch the kids?

The first part was perfect.  The second part you cracked open the door (the boundary).  I agree with ArleighBurke don't call, don't get into the debate, you gave him your answer.  You have prior commitments and can't take the kids.  The ball is in his court, he needs to make some sort of arrangement for child care on his end.

Panda39

[Godslove]

Thank you rarsweet, ArleighBurke, panda 39 for your wise input. I should have not put the last part. My feelings were mixed for my kids' sake. I guess I expected him to ask me nicely if I can watch the kids if he couldn't find anyone but then I am sure he probably will push for giving him one of my weekends. urrg... .my brain hurts to think like him.

No question in my mind about not calling. That was my request to put it to communicate only in writing into the court order. He was furious but everyone thought it is fair.

Do I need to send another email with clarity? like--> Court order is to communicate in writing. I can not switch the weekend. I can not watch the kids that weekend you are away.

Is it going to be a problem if I do nothing even though second part might not be clear to him? like Panda 39 says, the ball is in his court. I think he knows I am saying no to swapping and no to watching. but want to twist not in writing so he can bully me like ArleighBurke says.

What would you do? I feel so ... .to give him this much energy and my time to think about these things. Would it get easier?

[Panda39]

I would leave it alone no clarification (JADE  ) is needed you said "No".  My SO always found it worked best for him if he just stuck to the court order as much as possible (very little switching and swapping), that was a boundary in it's self and it helps keep the BPD chaos from creeping in.

This sounds like your ex's way of engaging with you.  My SO's uBPDxw would use the kids to do this all the time.  The key is to focus on what is legitimate in the communication.  He asked you a question about the kids you answered it, nothing further is needed on your part.

Panda39

[david]

I would leave it alone for now. It took me several years to figure out how to communicate with my ex. Your second email, which you did not send, is better and you can use that one later.

I found that when I tried to explain my previous email things just went back and forth until I decided to stop. Negative engagement is still engagement. Someone told me that years ago on this site.

[Godslove]

Thanks! Yes. You are so right. Panda39 and David. It will get messy explaining my previous email. Yesterday he came to pick the kids up being late 1-2 hours  (his time is between 4 and 5). He texted me 6 times on the way reporting he is leaving now, let you know what time, can not make that time, stuck on the traffic light, route **, pulling up... etc, throughout 2 hours. (every visitation average 5 times--I just learn to ignore and not believing any of it) He finally showed up at 6 pm and texted me "Is it okay to use your bathroom?"! and sent back one of my kids asking me if he can use the bathroom. Of course I texted no and McDonald is right here. I just can not believe he wanted to use MY bathroom while I was scared of him being angry and trying to talk to me and was ready to call the police if he steps into my place. Maybe he was being creative trying to have a chance to bully me.

[Panda39]

It sounds to me that he is both wanting to get you to engage with him and he is testing your boundaries.  I think your doing great! Good move not letting him in your place, he has no reason to come in... .I guess you have to ask him like a 4 year old if he's gone potty before coming to pick up the kids 

Of course I texted no and McDonald is right here.

 

Maybe he was being creative trying to have a chance to bully me.

Not only bully you but also possibly to snoop around a bit too.

Your doing great with your boundaries and as you get more used to it and more comfortable it will all come more naturally. 

Panda39

[david]

Our summer schedule, court ordered, is week on / week off. I pick the boys up on my week and ex picks the boys up on her week. The summer schedule has been for at least five years now. Ex has been on time a total of twice in the last five years. I consider on time plus or minus ten minutes and have always been on time.

Ex is usually about an hour late. She was once late about six hours and called after five hours late saying she would be a little late. I don't react to it at all because I believe that is what she is looking for. Our boys actually made up a game of over/under with what time she will show up.

I actually had someplace to be once and sent her an email to let her know where the boys would be for her to pick them up. She showed up close to two hours  late, at the location I told her, and sent me an email complaining that the boys should have been at my residence. I did not reply. The location was closer to her residence too.

I expect that kind of behavior now.

[Godslove]

Thank you for encouraging me Panda 39.  makes me feel good... . And David, on time twice for five years! It is comforting I am not alone. He was on time about five times for the past two years... better ha!

I met my counselor in a long time. He counseled BPDexh and me for eight years and she was the one who told me about BPD after I made up my mind to split. She today told me how important to set the boundaries and not to make mistakes like last year (Once I started switching weekends for him, he was asking me for this and that like gotta go watch the football game... etc). She told me BPDs tend to find a hard working, honest, sincere, cooperative person to be their spouse so they can manipulate and we try to make it work as much as possible. She also told me that I know the best what went through because he is so charming and best actor. so not to try to make others understand what you are going through with him. I told her this support group and am so thankful that I don't have to explain to you guys. Thank you.

[Godslove]

The bullying continues... .

I went to his place to pick up the kids on Sunday. wasn't there, I had to wait.

J7 comes out of the car saying Daddy will write down the days we come to his house because if you don't switch we will not see him for a month. He goes into the house with kids. H8 brings a paper out, hands it to me. it says 4/**/16 SWITCH. As kids are getting in my car, he comes out and start talking to me through the window. Showing him the paper, I said I told you no. You give this to H8 to deliver to me?. He said he is trying to communicate through the kids because I am not communicating. I said yes we were communicating and I said no. Also told him not to talk to me and that is a court order. He shook his head as if he never heard that. He yelled are you never going to swap?I said no and he left. Kids heard all.

On the way J7 saying I love you. He says it a lot but this time it hurt to think he must be nervous. At home, I explained that last month we finally got divorced (I think. still waiting for the golden paper). I tried my best it is not badmouthing the father but stick to the facts. How we promised things and signed to follow. He requests and my answers. and the reasons I said no from previous experience. H8 who has crazy memories says he went football game, Jamaica, scuba diving... .I didn't even know all that. I guess he tells her afterwards. I also told that it is not their fault and not to worry about this swapping business.

poor girl... .running 102 fever. Daddy took me to patient first this morning she said but still had to go to a party. I told her that next time she can tell daddy I don't want to go, I feel sick. She said she did but he took them anyway. He makes me so sick to my stomach. I am so glad that divorce is final. I don't see how I can co-parent with him now but parallel parenting.