It was 6 weeks of silence

[neesieden]

So 6 weeks of silence and I've been feeling like the balance has shifted considerably, i still think about her just not every second of the day, or reminiscing like I was.  I'm really happy with how I have not reached out to her even whilst I have been really poorly and low and still awaiting blood test results.   UNTIL her normal 6-8 week reach out to contact me... .

One message from her the How Are You? 

Did I smile when I received it, YES.

Did I know she would reach out around this time YES, her usual behaviour. 

Did it make me feel the emotional mess I used to, NO.

I replied with what's happening with me at the moment, waiting on results for a diagnosis on my health, returned the question how are you, and hope life is treating you well.

SUPRISE! ! No reply, nothing, nada... .

It's been read and she has been online, this was 3 days ago.

What a empty question and irrelevant exercise from her, I think what's annoyed me the most is that I have told her how poorly I am and had no reply.

So why reach out?

By the way I'm not half as affected as I would of been even 6 weeks ago, I just think WHY does she bother?

[joeramabeme]

Good for you that you are able to see the pattern and respond in a non-engaging manner.  Given the nature of BPD, it would not be surprising that she reach out again looking for the "payoff".  Your knowledge of BPD is your shield from such enticements.  Sounds like you are on the path to recovering.

In case you have not seen if before, we have a communication model hat is used to communicate with our partners.  The acronym for the model is BIFF; Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.  Here is an excerpt:

Brief

Keep your response brief. This will reduce the chances of a prolonged and angry back-and-forth. The more you write, the more material the other person has to criticize. Keeping it brief signals that you don’t wish to engage in a dialogue. Just make your response and end your e-mail. Don’t take your partner’s statements personally and don’t respond with a personal attack. Avoid focusing on comments about the other person’s character, such as saying he is rude, insensitive, or stupid. It just escalates the conflict and keeps it going.

Make sure to avoid the three “A’s”: admonishments, advice and apologies. You don’t have to defend yourself to someone you disagree with. If your friends still like you, you don’t have to prove anything to people who don’t.

Informative

The main reason to respond to hostile mail is to correct inaccurate statements others might see. “Just the facts” is a good thing to keep in mind. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the inaccurate statements the other person made: “Just to clear things up, I was out of town on February 12, so I would not have been the person who was making loud noises that day.”Avoid negative comments, sarcasm, and threats. Avoid personal remarks about the other person’s intelligence, ethics, or moral behavior. If the other person has a high-conflict personality, you will have no success at reducing the conflict by making personal attacks. While most people can ignore personal attacks or might think harder about what you are saying, high-conflict people feel they have no choice but to respond in anger—and keep the conflict going. Personal attacks rarely lead to insight or positive change.

Friendly

While you may be tempted to write in anger, you are more likely to achieve your goals by writing in a friendly manner. Consciously thinking about a friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly or neutral response in return. If your goal is to end the conflict, then being friendly has the greatest likelihood of success. Don’t give the other person a reason to get defensive and keep responding.This does not mean that you have to be overly friendly. Just make your message sound a little relaxed and nonantagonistic. If appropriate, say you recognize your partner’s concerns. Brief comments that show your empathy and respect will generally calm the other person down, even if only for a short time.

Firm

In a nonthreatening way, clearly tell the other person your information or position on an issue; for example, “That’s all I’m going to say on this issue.” Be careful not to make comments that invite more discussion, unless you are negotiating an issue or want to keep a dialogue going back and forth. Avoid comments that leave an opening, such as, “I hope you will agree with me that…” This invites the other person to tell you, “I don’t agree.”Sound confident and don’t ask for more information, if you want to end the back-and-forth. A confident-sounding person is less likely to be challenged with further e-mails. If you get more e-mails, you can ignore them, if you have already sufficiently addressed the inaccurate information.

If you need to respond again, keep it even briefer, and do not emotionally engage. In fact, it often helps to just repeat the key information using the same words.

[khibomsis]

Neesieden, I am glad for you that you are recovering emotionally. And that you can be in touch with your feelings, accepting them without judging them.

I am sorry to say that I had a similar experience with my uBPD ex. The minute it looked like I might need her support, or even that I needed to take care of myself a little and wouldn't have the same energy to take care of her, she immediately stopped wanting to recycle. All things considered it is maybe for the best, it sounds as if you have no energy to spare at the moment.

I hope your tests come back OK and that your health improves. A positive mindset can sometimes help, the relationship between the mind and the body is complex and often surprising.But reducing stress levels can never harm.  Do you think you will be able to continue detaching at the same pace?