How can I convince my BPD daughter to give up her son

[rosie0523]

She is 48 and has been suffering from BPD her entire adult life.  It is daily chaos.  She believes everyone in her life is the cause of her problems.  I am in touch with her daily, always have been, she calls numerous times a day.  Everything is "so hard on me" she says.  She's nasty, complaining, angry and has the worst case of hypochondria you could possibly imagine.

Her 11 year old son was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis 2 years ago.  The doctors say it's genetic but is aggravated by stress.  It has become worse and we expect him to have surgery to remove his colon and rectum within the next week or so.  He has lost a lot of weight and still I get texts from GS that he just wants his mom to be nice.  She's always in his face and nasty and angry when he doesn't do exactly what she wants.  

How do I communicate to her that he would be better off with his dad or here with me?  It would be better for her also but I don't think she would admit it.  I know we could go to court but it would be so horribly ugly.  Any others thoughts please.

Rose

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh Rose, my heart goes out to you!  What stress and what worries when there is a grandchild involved.  Bin-der-don-dat!... .and my tears filled buckets! 

Needless to say, there is great stress on your grandson now.  He has to contend with his horrendous health issues and he has to deal with the family issues.  Yes, you could go to court but then you are looking at even more stress and not assured of the outcome.  At this point there is still communication with your daughter and access to your grandson.  Perhaps (hopefully!) she might get to the point where she feels she cannot handle looking after him after the operation and ask that he stay with you.  You really are going to have to think this one through.  No easy answers!

Does your grandson have a relationship with his father and how do you feel about his father? 

[rosie0523]

My GS has a very nice dad who is also just beside himself over everything.  My DD has never, in 12 years, said a good word about his dad.  She complains to anyone who will listen, and it's nasty.  I finally told her that I wouldn't listen to it anymore.  My GS has picked up a lot of my DD's traits and has not been nice to his dad. 

I agree that going to court at this time is not in anyone's best interest.  GS is scheduled for surgery in about 3 weeks.  To make matters worse, my husband and I have planned and paid for a five week vacation starting a few days after the surgery.  This will be surgery one of three over the next several months. 

[wendydarling]

Hi Rose

I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation and your GS's health is challenged. You say this is one of 3 surgeries for your GS and that made me wonder if it might be helpful to look a little bit further ahead.  Taking your vacation may allow you to come back rested and hopefully clear about what to do and how. It may allow your daughter to be responsible for GS's care during this period and possibly open up a space when you return to have the conversation of GS staying with you during his next two surgeries or perhaps full time.

What's your son in laws view? Does he want to give up his son, to you?

WDx

[CMom]

I totally understand what you are going through.  I worry about my 3 granddaughters constantly.  My prayers are with you.  CM

[rosie0523]

My GS's father is a good person and is heart broken over all the problems.  His business is seasonal, December through March, and works 7 days a week sometimes 20 hours a day. Outside of this period he would want very much to raise his son.  I have been helping out this season and my GS has probably spent about 80% of his time here.  My DD has spent very little time with him and time she has spent has been very rocky.  My GS will text me to pick him up because of her nasty mood.  He can also be very nasty to her.  When he is here though he often calls and tells her that he wants to spend time with her.  This goes round and round, very unhealthy and heartbreaking to watch.

For all with grandchildren who are in this same type of situation my hope lies in the fact that we are there for the grandkids, will listen to them, show we love them, show them what a normal family life is.  I don't think we can do more.

[Bright Day Mom]

Rosie I can relate on many levels.  I agree w/everything the past posts are saying.

My BPDD was dx w/Crohns @4yrs old. The 3 step surgery she has not had (knock wood) and it will be a long road to recovery, but the good news is many of the kids do really, really well. Has your GS gone to Camp Oasis?  If not, I cannot say enough good things about it.  It is hosted through CCFA and they have many locations. It is a 1 week sleep away camp where kids w/CD or UC can go and forge lasting friendships but more importantly be understood. The kids achieve things they never imagined.

Now to your daughter. It sounds like she needs a medication adjustment. It is incredible the difference in behavior once the chemicals are leveled off (own experience w/my d). Perhaps you could gently mention and ask if you may help her call her psychiatrist for an appt? Let her know she deserves to feel well and deserves a peaceful life. Hopefully she agrees and accepts the help.  Let's face it when mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy... .gotta turn that around. 

All my best, good luck to your GS and have a wonderful vacay!