Hard Morning

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm having a really difficult morning. This always happens about this time. It's been a week since boyfriend did his rage and break up routine. After about a week panic starts setting in with me. He's given me the silent treatment up to a few months before, and a part of me goes absolutely nutters about it. So I am going to think it out loud:

The panic feelings are familiar to me. I feel hurt and abandoned. It goes to my core. It's familiar to me because my mother had her versions of the silent treatment. My mother would periodically disown me. When she got angry about something, she would write a nasty letter saying how she couldn't have a relationship with someone who was abusive towards her. These letters really, really hurt me, especially since I didn't think I was abusive, and was often blindsided by her accusations. 

Then she would go into silent treatment mode, all while gathering whoever her current favorite children were around her. My youngest brother was always my mother's favorite. My youngest sister was a favorite until she was older and got painted black too. Another brother was always maligned and mocked but curiously stayed protective of her, and so he became a disseminator of her malice. Her malice was always cloaked as her being "hurt" or "worried" about one of her kids. My mother had five kids, and we all ended up turned against each other at one point or another. When I was little I was somewhat a favorite in that I was very parentified. I took care of my younger siblings while my mom was passed out drunk. After she stopped drinking there were times I felt we had a good relationship, and she was very proud of me. Then I would do something and get the nasty letter and silent treatment.

It was when I had kids that my mother really took after me, in her own way. She began undercutting me to my kids, deliberately doing things I had asked her not to, and then painting me black to my siblings. Any efforts to stand up to her resulted in huge blow outs where I got the nasty letters and was disowned. Things came to a head when she was insisted she take care of my children, and when I said no she blew sky high. My mother had exposed me to pedophiles and I wasn't going to let her have unsupervised time with my kids if she wasn't healthy. She permanently discarded me. She disowned me, painted me black, and still demanded to see my kids. Unbelievably my painted white siblings supported all this. I have been maligned to this day.

My efforts to repair my relationship with my mother became part of the evidence used to paint me black. For instance, I communicated to her several times I wanted us to go to therapy. This came back to me via my siblings that I was being "mean" to my mother who was a "saint" and I only wanted to get in therapy in order to make her feel bad about "mistakes that had happened a long time ago." In my family something that happened yesterday is a long time ago if that is how my mother wanted the narrative to go. I felt the message of the silent treatment was to tell me I was not worth love, that I didn't even exist in her heart. That I was thrown away.

Writing this out I can see for me why this panic sets in when my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment. I feel a huge hurt and anger and panic about it. Not only is it familiar because my mom did it, but in the end it destroyed the relationship between my mother and me. It was corrosive to the point repairs could not be made. Maybe I am associating those two pains. Maybe I am worried and thinking that my relationship with boyfriend will not survive this, and cannot survive it because I cannot handle it. I don't want someone in my life who does this and feels it is justified. Realizing just now that this is also familiar because my mom always justified her silent treatments too.

I have to admit too, there in our probably 20 plus break ups and recycles, I initiated a few, thought far, far less than boyfriend. Usually my break ups were the result of him raging and becoming abusive, and me saying I couldn't deal with it anymore. I can remember once where I didn't return his calls for two weeks. I remember thinking something very petty about letting him see what it was like, and being astonished later it didn't seem to bother him. I'm writing this down for my own accountability, because I don't want to be a person that gives us others the silent treatment. I do think I have done a really good job of that with my own kids. I have never, ever given them the silent treatment.

One more thought for this journal of sorts... .the part of the silent treatment that really hurts is how it always leaves you in a place of feeling hung in the pain. Both my mother and boyfriend start the silent treatment by saying something cruel. Then leaving you in it. It seems like a really awful thing to do to someone.

[HurtinNW]

I'm having a really difficult morning. This always happens about this time. It's been a week since boyfriend did his rage and break up routine. After about a week panic starts setting in with me. He's given me the silent treatment up to a few months before, and a part of me goes absolutely nutters about it. So I am going to think it out loud:

The panic feelings are familiar to me. I feel hurt and abandoned. It goes to my core. It's familiar to me because my mother had her versions of the silent treatment. My mother would periodically disown me. When she got angry about something, she would write a nasty letter saying how she couldn't have a relationship with someone who was abusive towards her. These letters really, really hurt me, especially since I didn't think I was abusive, and was often blindsided by her accusations. 

Then she would go into silent treatment mode, all while gathering whoever her current favorite children were around her. My youngest brother was always my mother's favorite. My youngest sister was a favorite until she was older and got painted black too. Another brother was always maligned and mocked but curiously stayed protective of her, and so he became a disseminator of her malice. Her malice was always cloaked as her being "hurt" or "worried" about one of her kids. My mother had five kids, and we all ended up turned against each other at one point or another. When I was little I was somewhat a favorite in that I was very parentified. I took care of my younger siblings while my mom was passed out drunk. After she stopped drinking there were times I felt we had a good relationship, and she was very proud of me. Then I would do something and get the nasty letter and silent treatment.

It was when I had kids that my mother really took after me, in her own way. She began undercutting me to my kids, deliberately doing things I had asked her not to, and then painting me black to my siblings. Any efforts to stand up to her resulted in huge blow outs where I got the nasty letters and was disowned. Things came to a head when she was insisted she take care of my children, and when I said no she blew sky high. My mother had exposed me to pedophiles and I wasn't going to let her have unsupervised time with my kids if she wasn't healthy. She permanently discarded me. She disowned me, painted me black, and still demanded to see my kids. Unbelievably my painted white siblings supported all this. I have been maligned to this day.

My efforts to repair my relationship with my mother became part of the evidence used to paint me black. For instance, I communicated to her several times I wanted us to go to therapy. This came back to me via my siblings that I was being "mean" to my mother who was a "saint" and I only wanted to get in therapy in order to make her feel bad about "mistakes that had happened a long time ago." In my family something that happened yesterday is a long time ago if that is how my mother wanted the narrative to go. I felt the message of the silent treatment was to tell me I was not worth love, that I didn't even exist in her heart. That I was thrown away.

Writing this out I can see for me why this panic sets in when my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment. I feel a huge hurt and anger and panic about it. Not only is it familiar because my mom did it, but in the end it destroyed the relationship between my mother and me. It was corrosive to the point repairs could not be made. Maybe I am associating those two pains. Maybe I am worried and thinking that my relationship with boyfriend will not survive this, and cannot survive it because I cannot handle it. I don't want someone in my life who does this and feels it is justified. Realizing just now that this is also familiar because my mom always justified her silent treatments too.

I have to admit too, there in our probably 20 plus break ups and recycles, I initiated a few, thought far, far less than boyfriend. Usually my break ups were the result of him raging and becoming abusive, and me saying I couldn't deal with it anymore. I can remember once where I didn't return his calls for two weeks. I remember thinking something very petty about letting him see what it was like, and being astonished later it didn't seem to bother him. I'm writing this down for my own accountability, because I don't want to be a person that gives us others the silent treatment. I do think I have done a really good job of that with my own kids. I have never, ever given them the silent treatment.

One more thought for this journal of sorts... .the part of the silent treatment that really hurts is how it always leaves you in a place of feeling hung in the pain. Both my mother and boyfriend start the silent treatment by saying something cruel. Then leaving you in it. It seems like a really awful thing to do to someone.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hurtin', Usually when we get emotionally worked up ("nutters," as you put it) there is something else going on, and you have put your finger on it: your mother.  I think it's quite common to recreate a dynamic from childhood, subconsciously, in our adult relationships.  Yet you seem to recognize this already.  Once you identify the issue and where it comes from, you are well on your way to changing it.  Maybe you realize that you don't want to replay childhood dramas anymore?  Maybe you determine that your BF is not the right guy for you?  Maybe you decide you want to stay with your BF, but only if you make some adjustments?  You get the idea.

When I experience strong feelings, I try to do something proactive to process the feelings.  I might call a friend or a family member to chat about it.  I might write about it in my journal.  I might take a walk to clear my head.  Or, I might post something on the Board, which is exactly what you have done.  Though it may be painful and you are "Hurtin," it sounds like you are making progress.

LuckyJim

[HurtinNW]

Thanks LuckyJim,

You are right, the question for me now is what am I going to do about it? I am trying to be proactive to process and understand what I am going through. But what to do about it is a whole other kettle of fish.

I don't know what I want. I get wrapped up in thinking what is possible instead of making a firm decision. In other words I start trying to figure out if he will change, instead of sitting in a place where I can make a firm decision without needing him to change.

[gotbushels]

My efforts to repair my relationship with my mother became part of the evidence used to paint me black.

Let me help you think about it. It's painful when we try and resolve something and our efforts get used against us. There are a lot of chains in your post. Why do you think she painted you black?

[HurtinNW]

My efforts to repair my relationship with my mother became part of the evidence used to paint me black.

Let me help you think about it. It's painful when we try and resolve something and our efforts get used against us. There are a lot of chains in your post. Why do you think she painted you black?

I think my mother painted me black because I was the one who challenged her. My mother had a string of pedophile boyfriends. One was a registered predatory sex offender. My mother refused to take accountability for her role in this. She was very much a BPD, and no matter what had happened, cast herself in the role of victim. She was an expert splitter and set her children up against each other, especially me. I was molested from age 4 on, at different times.

I think my mother could not handle the shame of what she had done, and so it became important for her to paint me black, because I was the one who told the truth. I was the one who wanted our family to stop lying and hiding these awful things. I also wanted her love. My mother had lots of good parts, besides her illness.

I left home by age 15 and was on my own. After many years of anger, I tried to reconcile with my mother. She had stopped drinking and seemed to be doing much better. We had a good period of several years. I truly felt I had forgiven her and we were close. I minimized and overlooked her ongoing issues, such as her expert triangulation of her children, her strange abusive behaviors like picking at her kid's skins. I was finally being painted white and it felt good. So when she pulled the rug out from under me again I was devestated and angry.

I have compassion for my mother. She herself was the victim of rape and horrible violence. I watched her get beaten more than once. I think she carried a terrible load of shame and I am in the process of forgiving her.

Intellectually I know she painted me black for these reasons. Emotionally? Part of me thinks she painted me black because I deserved it. Because I was the terrible, unloveable awful damaged person she said I was. That's my fear talking, I know. But I never internalized any safety in love.

[Lucky Jim]

Emotionally? Part of me thinks she painted me black because I deserved it. Because I was the terrible, unloveable awful damaged person she said I was.

No, you didn't deserve it.  You are already worthy just the way you are, and you don't need her approval to be complete, though I know it may not feel like that right now.  It takes a lot of effort to change the messages we learned in childhood.

In other words I start trying to figure out if he will change, instead of sitting in a place where I can make a firm decision without needing him to change.

Hey Hurtin, Suggest you put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things within your control (he is not in this category).  The Serenity Prayer is a good place to start.

LuckyJim

[doubleAries]

your story is so similar to my own. Even including leaving home at 15 (kicked out, actually). And yes, the scape goat of the family is usually the one who speaks up about the truth. And is reviled for it by the entire family.

I found a husband who could re-enact my childhood hell for me. Spent 20 years with him. I couldn't find a Sadistic Personality Disorder like my mom, so I found a paranoid schizophrenic with bipolar disorder, ASPD and NPD instead. Not on conscious purpose, of course. But can't really say staying for 20 years wasn't consciously on purpose. We've been divorced for 3 years now. But he still works for me, so we still interact. When he ignores me or gives me the silent treatment, it drives me nuts. I want to MAKE him care about me.

Every time this happens, I am purposefully making myself look at the fact that I have attached my childhood terror of abandonment and rejection to him. His behavior elicits emotional flashbacks for me--not visual movie like memories from childhood. Emotional flashbacks (here's a link to Pete Walkers website, the emotional flashback management section www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf ) I FEEL like I did when I was a kid (or what I didn't allow myself to feel as a kid) and react accordingly. Usually in desperation to be cared about. I understand that I cannot deal with these feelings as long as I am attaching them to HIM. And I have remind myself about 100 times a day. Until it becomes ingrained and automatic just like the (now) inappropriate coping method did. It really works. Not all at once and forever--I have to keep doing it. But it works.

As for him, I wrote on my palm "it's time to let go... .it will be OK". I can only see it if I open my hand.

[HurtinNW]

your story is so similar to my own. Even including leaving home at 15 (kicked out, actually). And yes, the scape goat of the family is usually the one who speaks up about the truth. And is reviled for it by the entire family.

I found a husband who could re-enact my childhood hell for me. Spent 20 years with him. I couldn't find a Sadistic Personality Disorder like my mom, so I found a paranoid schizophrenic with bipolar disorder, ASPD and NPD instead. Not on conscious purpose, of course. But can't really say staying for 20 years wasn't consciously on purpose. We've been divorced for 3 years now. But he still works for me, so we still interact. When he ignores me or gives me the silent treatment, it drives me nuts. I want to MAKE him care about me.

Every time this happens, I am purposefully making myself look at the fact that I have attached my childhood terror of abandonment and rejection to him. His behavior elicits emotional flashbacks for me--not visual movie like memories from childhood. Emotional flashbacks (here's a link to Pete Walkers website, the emotional flashback management section www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf ) I FEEL like I did when I was a kid (or what I didn't allow myself to feel as a kid) and react accordingly. Usually in desperation to be cared about. I understand that I cannot deal with these feelings as long as I am attaching them to HIM. And I have remind myself about 100 times a day. Until it becomes ingrained and automatic just like the (now) inappropriate coping method did. It really works. Not all at once and forever--I have to keep doing it. But it works.

As for him, I wrote on my palm "it's time to let go... .it will be OK". I can only see it if I open my hand.

Wow. This is my story in a nutshell. My boyfriend throws me right back into all the emotions of my childhood. I feel like I am four years old again—terrified, hurting, alone, abandoned, desperate to be loved and protected. I never thought before that I am not dealing with these feelings as long as I am making him have power over them. I've put all my emotional safety in his hands. And it is not going so well, is it?

I'm guessing my mother was BPD, though I don't know. She definitely had something very, very wrong with her. She was high functioning in that she could go from skid row level alcoholism into being a counselor herself. She was often endearing, and for those she painted white, loving and warm. I see a lot of myself in her and am processing that. She had a sadistic streak a mile wide and thankfully I do not at all.

So what do I do? I connect with a man who is very much the same as my mother. He is capable of great warmth and charm, and then ten minutes later absolute cruelty. Since he believes the cruelty is justified, my reality gets altered, because emotionally I am four years old again.

I read the Pete Walker article yesterday and it so rang true for me as well. I had never considered I was having emotional flashbacks, but that is exactly what is happening. I am flooded with all that pain. I am flooded with the pain when he is raging at me, and I am also flooded with the pain when he then abandons me and breaks up, as he recently did. I feel like he leaves me in this pain... .much like my mother did when she left me with pedophiles and then blamed me, saying I deserved it.

I never realized this before, but wow I sure did attach my childhood trauma to him.

[Lucky Jim]

I never realized this before, but wow I sure did attach my childhood trauma to him.

That's normal around here.  Most of us Nons (read: me) have done it.  Now that you recognize the pattern, you have the ability to change it, which is a tall order, I know, yet leads to greater happiness.  Finding your path is what it's all about, in my view.

LuckyJim

[gotbushels]

So what do I do? I connect with a man who is very much the same as my mother.

The people who come into our lives isn't in a great deal of our control. Our parents aren't our choice. I'm reading a healthy voice in your message HurtinNW  remember to stay away from judging yourself for being in a relationship with that man 

"I feel like he leaves me in this pain... .much like my mother did when she left me with pedophiles and then blamed me, saying I deserved it."

I'm not interested in your mother's judgement of you. She seems to go to all kinds of levels of personality. That's not constant. Something constantly changing isn't a good basis to act from. It could explain the confusion you seem to have with your feelings sometimes. To have a person judge you is one thing, to have a person with all kinds of levels of shifting expectations over time is a different story altogether. That's not a good environment for a child either. That's a poor environment. For you today, it's not good for you to unintentionally return there on a psychological level.

I'm interested in the pain. I'm not a psychoanalyst and this sounds weird, but if your pain was a person with a voice, what would that person be telling you?

---

HurtinNW I was thinking about what you said to doubleAries, and I think you're on to something.

" I was finally being painted white and it felt good. So when she pulled the rug out from under me again I was devestated and angry."

Your experience with the BPD condition might help here. As a non, what happens if we place our needs in the actions of a person with BPD?

Is it hard to separate our feelings from a person with BPD sometimes?

Is it harder or easier of the person is in fact our parents?

[HurtinNW]

 

I'm interested in the pain. I'm not a psychoanalyst and this sounds weird, but if your pain was a person with a voice, what would that person be telling you?

"Please come. I am hurting and alone."

[doubleAries]

In some ways, your mothers judgment of you DOES matter. Because that is the "voice" that gets instilled in your head.

For years I thought that everyone talked to themselves the way I talk to myself. It wasn't until a couple years ago on these very boards that I realized most others do not. Other people say to themselves: "gee, maybe that wasn't a good idea. Next time I should... ."

But what I say to myself is: "WHAT? What the heck IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU #$%^ MORON? ARE YOU #@$%& STUPID?" (and note that this "voice"--I call it "mom's voice"--starts out in 3rd person)

It is only recently that I am figuring out that I have attached all my childhood trauma to my ex. But he's not the first one I've attached it to. Which is how I know I'm not dealing with it head on. That I am carrying it around like an open festering wound, looking for someone to attach it to. And it sure wouldn't work to attach it to a healthy, compassionate person, would it? Not when it's all twisted around, attached to someone else, and becoming a re-enactment instead of a purging.

I am also only recently figuring out that I focused all this on my mother, who was so obviously disordered. Oh, she played her role, for sure--but the sick, dysfunctional relationships are more about the even deeper buried emotions (and much more dangerous) surrounding the pedophiles in my life. My step-dad's stepdad (I'm not going to call him "grandpa" started molesting me from at least 2 years old, telling me I'd get a whipping and go to jail if I told anyone. Then my own father (the alcoholic NPD I hoped would rescue me from the witch) started molesting me when I was 7. And you know what? As an adult, I took care of that a-hole until he died. He went from being superior over me in all things at all times, to convincing me he needed me, so I was therefore obligated.

And now I am stuck with that same belief. I tell myself that in spite of how poorly my ex has treated me, "he needs me". And the vague belief that if I fulfil that obligation, if I prove to him that I'm there for him no matter what, the whole situation will be magically healed and he will suddenly love me, and protect me, and give me what I didn't get as a kid and it will be all better.

I'd say if 20 years didn't bring my fairy tale to fruition, probably another 20 years won't either. I have attached this fairy tale to someone I am actually frightened of. We have continued to work together, and I am actually on the verge of firing him. I am going through the motions of appropriate boundaries with him--on the one hand, I am proud that I am sticking to it and actually doing it; and on the other hand, I am alarmed that it feels so stiff, fake, unnatural. Well, yeah--of course it does. I need a lot more practice.

And as I do this, I remind myself over and over that this boundaries exercise is NOT to get him to act the way I want him to--it's to protect myself from abusive behavior. I'm not used to protecting myself--I always look to abusers to protect me (thanks, dad!). I also realize that it is a very short matter of time before I have to fire him. And that scares the living crap out of me. So I remind myself, as gently as possible (because "mom's voice" wants to rake me over the coals), that while my ex has added to the pile of hurts in my life, the origin of the hurt isn't about him at all.

This reminder actually relieves a lot of the anxiety. No, it doesn't make everything "all better", but puts me on the right track and relieves the anxiety that I now realize is buried unfinished business trying to cry out and be heard. The truth, not the shadow.

I tell you all this, in my own story, so you are safe to examine any parallels. I am not a counselor or therapist, and have absolutely no business digging through and commenting on your psyche. I only want to share my experience, strengths, and hope with you... .not my arm chair psychology comments (which only further distract me from examining my own issues). And recommend once again an invaluable tool--the Pete Walker book and website. Not everything in there will fit for you, as it doesn't for me, but a lot will.

Please continue to communicate--it helps to talk with others who understand. Your insights are proof that you are determined to heal, against any odds, that you will keep digging no matter what. That kind of strength is impressive. You have bits and pieces that I hadn't thought of, and I hope I have the same for you. It's not just about telling our story--it's about making sense of that story, seeing in the daylight instead of groping in the dark, alone. So that we can open the door and walk out into a more healthy, self-respectful life.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you DoubleAries

I hope I'm not posting too much. Right now these boards are saving me. I'm usually a complete mess at this point of the silent treatment following a rage and break up. This is completely new and different for me, and I hope you all can bear with me.

You wrote, "And the vague belief that if I fulfill that obligation, if I prove to him that I'm there for him no matter what, the whole situation will be magically healed and he will suddenly love me, and protect me, and give me what I didn't get as a kid and it will be all better."

This in a nutshell is what I have been doing with my boyfriend. There is this vast, wild hope that I will reveal myself to this person and suddenly the ending will be different. I will be loved, protected, safe.

I've been beating myself up thinking that I revealed myself and got hurt again, so it must be me. What I have not examined is why I chose to reveal myself to this person. Or why when he turned ugly I didn't hit the door.

I think for me part of it has been this longing. It goes like this: BPD person will see how much they hurt me. They will see I truly don't deserve to be abused. They will feel remorse and say sorry and never hurt me again.

That's what I hoped for with my mother, for so many years, all the way until her death. I wanted her to see me as a person. A human being, not a commodity for her pain.

Part of me struggles with letting boyfriend go for this reason. I want him to recognize me as a human being first, and stop making me a game piece in his machinations of whatever pain he is in. I want the happy ending I never got as a child.

I want to forgive. I want to feel whole.

Maybe I can look at this as the opportunity for me to truly become whole in and of myself. That is a radical concept for me, and if I am in a good place, it might actually be kind of exciting.

And another thought just occurred to me: part of staying in love with boyfriend and loving my mother gives me permission to stay angry at them too. I'd like to let go of my rage.

[gotbushels]

Wow doubleAries thank you for that post to HurtinNW. Reminders are something I've found that I need to consciously do.

This reminder actually relieves a lot of the anxiety. No, it doesn't make everything "all better", but puts me on the right track and relieves the anxiety that I now realize is buried unfinished business trying to cry out and be heard. The truth, not the shadow.

I think our inner pains are unique and it surprises us when we don't automatically know how to deal with them. My automatic reactions tend to be unhealthy. This reminder of the reminders is helpful to me 

--

HurtinNW please don't take things too hard. It's natural for us to keep ourselves in check. It's also natural for us to release in healthy ways. I'm glad to be here with you and I'm sure the others are too 

Do you remember how many of the resources about BPD contain an origins section of BPD as a tool for the non? We can use that purpose for other situations. Understanding other situations can help us to forgive anger that is inside.

"Please come. I am hurting and alone." If you do go to her, ask her why she calling for you at this time. Why is the pain there?

Forgiveness is to release anger and resentment from an event that we perceive is unfair. What do you feel is stopping you from forgiving?

HurtinNW, if it truly is part of your becoming whole and within yourself, I am excited for you 

[Lucky Jim]

I've been beating myself up thinking that I revealed myself and got hurt again, so it must be me. What I have not examined is why I chose to reveal myself to this person. Or why when he turned ugly I didn't hit the door.

Hey Hurtin', All good questions.  No, it's not you, so don't beat yourself up.

I think for me part of it has been this longing. It goes like this: BPD person will see how much they hurt me. They will see I truly don't deserve to be abused. They will feel remorse and say sorry and never hurt me again.

That's a familiar fantasy, but the reality is often quite different in a BPD r/s.  In my experience, the pwBPD will rarely if ever apologize and any feelings of remorse are short-lived.  Their turbulent emotions dictate their behavior, in my view, with the result that abuse is part of an ongoing cycle.  I did my best, without success, to break the cycle, but it never changed for long.

LuckyJim

[doubleAries]

we all want to see the personality disordered as so vastly different from us that we cannot even fathom them.

In reality, we ALL do what they do--just not as a complete way of life. Has anyone here never said "YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!" has anyone here never said "you make me so happy!" ? Instead of saying "hmmm... .when BF/GF ignores Joe Blow, it doesn't hurt Joe's feelings. Why is that? Why does it hurt my feelings?"

It comes down to this (and I'm going to do this as a parable about myself, rather than point a finger, or play counselor to any of you, under the guise of "helping": As a very small child, I could not deal at all with the overwhelming, intense, and complicated emotional turmoil of the abuse I endured. I couldn't even understand the abuse to begin with, so I believed what I was told--that it was my fault. I believed what I was told--that I controlled adults feelings. I believed what I was told--that I was bad, flawed, and unlovable. That I was too needy, too this or that, not enough this or that. If I couldn't understand the abuse, then I sure as heck wasn't going to be able to understand, deal with, or process the complicated (but legitimate) emotions I had surrounding it. These weren't simple child situations, nor were they simple child reactions/emotions.

So I stuffed them into a lock box, where they weren't so scary and overwhelming. I became numb instead.

Emotions are pretty physical. We like to think of them as more ethereal, like thoughts, but note the strong physical reactions we have to strong emotions. So they really ARE physically stuffed. Think of emotions as water. Water in a container, not flowing, becomes stagnant, rancid, and putrid. A little kid can't deal with it, but can't contain it either. Water has a way of oozing through every crack, and even MAKING cracks.

Now take my ongoing years and years of remaining in this abusive situation. Just keep stuffing that water into that lock box, until it becomes an automatic habit that I don't even think about. This definitely served me well as a child. It really did--I was NOT able to process stuff that heavy and complicated.

But it isn't serving me very well now.

Now I CAN process it (even though it's horribly not fun). But my automatic defense mechanism is still in place. Still, that rancid, putrid neglected water keeps oozing out the cracks. We ALL gravitate towards situations and relationships where we can put our skills to use. It so happens that my skills are coping with chaos. As an adult, I like to think that means turning chaos into order. Which isn't true. It's simply enduring it. Doing whatever I need to do to myself to endure it. And yet, it still keeps oozing out the cracks... .

So on the way underdeveloped emotional level, I find relationships and situations where I can use my skills of enduring chaos and abusiveness and betrayal. On an intellectual level, I say "What the heck is going on here? What have you done to me?" to the other players in the drama. I can't contain the rancid water inside, and my survival skills are screaming "HEY! get that poison out of here before we all die!" But my defense mechanism automatically says "HEY! That crap is poison! don't let it out! it's too dangerous!" Obviously, cracks are going to appear.

The defense mechanism was good--when I was little. It protected me from what I could not cope with. A really strong lock box. However, the people in the situations and relationships I gravitate towards seem to be REALLY good at effortlessly picking the lock on that box, and throwing the lid open.

OK, now here's the important part---

When that happens, I have a choice. I can say either of the following:

"Hmmm... .look at that rancid poison that is in the form of intense pain! Where did that come from? Let me have a look here--OH! that's that pain from being abused, rejected, abandoned, betrayed and harmed as a child! ICK! OK, now I see why Joe Blow isn't wounded by BF/GF's rejection. Because Joe Blow apparently doesn't have the same lock box as me. Hmmm... .ok, might be time to go ahead and grieve about what I couldn't grieve about then, so I can release this toxic water and fill the container with fresh clean healthy water."

OR

I can attach it to BF du jour--"you a-hole! look what you did to me! YOU did this! why are you so mean? Why don't you care about me? After all I've done for you, this is what you do in return? I have to make you stop this! I must figure out a way to control your behavior to make you stop doing this to me! I'm only going to give you 800 more chances to engulf me in love and heal my secret hidden wounds. If you don't do my grieving process for me, and walk on eggshells around all the cracks that are oozing rancid water, I will eventually trade you in for a different agent of chaos!" (Didn't mom/dad say I controlled their emotions? that I CAUSED them to be angry at me? Didn't I spend endless amounts of anxious time trying to figure out how to stop doing what was causing them to be angry, and trying to discover what would make them happy and love me? Isn't that what I'm doing now with BF and the ungrateful wretch doesn't even appreciate it? Aren't I just trying to use the same method that didn't work before, and being angry at someone else that it still isn't working?)

Make sense? my ex contributed to my pile of pain, but he didn't create it. And he didn't create the coping method I use to hide the pain from myself (unless I'm trying to get someone else to be responsible for it--because the little kid just flat out couldn't).

The only one now who can open that box and clean it out is ourselves. It's our box. It's our "treasure" of rancid water. It's an impossible situation to gravitate towards what will harm us so we can use our endurance skills, and then scream in agony over getting exactly what we sought. We sought these people out on an unconscious level to trigger us into that box (because it needs to be cleaned out, and we can't remember where the key is--right there on our sleeve) and then we are angry at them for "causing" the box's contents--and to protect ourselves, we slam the lid back closed on the box. Just like we have always done (and HAD to do as children).

I hope this makes sense.

(P.S. my point at the top, about personality disorders, is that they also hold others responsible for their feelings. Just like we do. But when any of us starts doing this on all levels, and to such a degree that we can't interact on an emotional level anymore, it gets diagnosed)

[eeks]

It comes down to this (and I'm going to do this as a parable about myself, rather than point a finger, or play counselor to any of you, under the guise of "helping": As a very small child, I could not deal at all with the overwhelming, intense, and complicated emotional turmoil of the abuse I endured. I couldn't even understand the abuse to begin with, so I believed what I was told--that it was my fault. I believed what I was told--that I controlled adults feelings. I believed what I was told--that I was bad, flawed, and unlovable. That I was too needy, too this or that, not enough this or that. If I couldn't understand the abuse, then I sure as heck wasn't going to be able to understand, deal with, or process the complicated (but legitimate) emotions I had surrounding it. These weren't simple child situations, nor were they simple child reactions/emotions.

So I stuffed them into a lock box, where they weren't so scary and overwhelming. I became numb instead.

I just had an insight.  So often when I "face" or "move towards" intense emotion, I feel fear, shame, anxiety.  It occurred to me that the fear and shame may not themselves be the unwanted emotion, but a kind of "failsafe" keeping me away from the truly "forbidden" stuff (anger can be one for me, also telling the truth in certain situations)

Although labels like "narcissistic family dynamics" have been helpful to my understanding, in this case thinking of my parents as "trauma survivors" is most useful, and I say that because, for instance, what's wrong with telling the truth?  Or in some instances just being myself, responding behaviourally to my own emotions and impulses rather than to "the rules" or what someone told me to do... .this may have been "dangerous" to my parents because it (unconsciously) threatened to trigger/expose their pain, the things they stuffed and didn't want to deal with, the ways in which they weren't coping with life so well, or weren't letting their energy (incl. emotions) "flow".

It could potentially be very helpful for me to remember to ask myself whether fear, shame, anxiety are the "boogey man" distraction from parts of myself (my experience, emotions, traits) that there's a potential to see and reclaim in a more objective way.   

Thanks 

[doubleAries]

Eeks--I absolutely agree. There are times I try to deal with something, and discover it is a piece of armor for yet something else. Meant to dissuade me from looking behind the curtain.

For me, my inner critic/inner terrorist/"mom's voice" which rips me up one side and down the other almost constantly, is a piece of armor designed to prevent me from examining whether or not I really am unlovable and worthless (what a "protection", ha!) The above realizations (which require practice to incorporate emotionally) have taken the fangs out of the inner terrorist. But nearly 50 years of having an inner voice screaming at me aren't likely to go away overnight just because I had a realization. Now I have to train the terrorist to talk nice and protect me instead of shred me... .

[HurtinNW]

Eeks--I absolutely agree. There are times I try to deal with something, and discover it is a piece of armor for yet something else. Meant to dissuade me from looking behind the curtain.

For me, my inner critic/inner terrorist/"mom's voice" which rips me up one side and down the other almost constantly, is a piece of armor designed to prevent me from examining whether or not I really am unlovable and worthless (what a "protection", ha!) The above realizations (which require practice to incorporate emotionally) have taken the fangs out of the inner terrorist. But nearly 50 years of having an inner voice screaming at me aren't likely to go away overnight just because I had a realization. Now I have to train the terrorist to talk nice and protect me instead of shred me... .

I am wondering how much my PTSD does this for me. Not that I am using it as an excuse, only that the PTSD reactions keep me from really sitting in the pain. Feeling the pain. Instead PTSD makes me feel woozy, disassociate, and like today, have multiple deja vu episodes. Along with nightmares. Not fun, but maybe also a way my brain found to avoid the catastrophic pain I was feeling as a child...

My inner critic is my mom and the people who molested me. Telling me how worthless I am, smiling when she saw I was hurt, the message that I was disgusting, dirty.

What does happen if we examine if we are those things? How do we get to the real feelings? I know I have a lot of anger, rage really, against my mother.

[doubleAries]

I have asked over and over "how do we get to the real feelings?" Because I couldn't.

But yet they are so easy to get "triggered", aren't they?

Maybe start there. When you feel that obsessive need to call the BF, to make him see the light and give him the opportunity to apologize and make it all right---un-attach it from him. Ask yourself what that feeling in the pit of your gut is. Ask yourself where it really belongs, where it started.

PTSD is in the DSM. Complex PTSD is not. But Complex PTSD is more appropriate for long term trauma, such as in child abuse, rather than the single trauma or cluster of traumas that create PTSD. I still really, really recommend the Pete Walker book--it's my "bible".