my BPD brother - ongoing misery

[forevernew]

New here and reading on here felt like coming home, I felt for the first time my experiences were echoed and validated (growing up as the only sibling of a BPD brother.) It is a lonely place to be.

I'm 34 the oldest, my brother is 33, and my parents are still together, so like the classic nuclear family really, except for my brother's disorder that has been like a black hole of negativity and a huge burden we have all had to carry for years.

I tried to be the big sister that anyone would want until his abuse got too much and I got an apprehended violence order against him. I struggled on (still living under the same roof in the family home with him!) until he assaulted me one last time and I called the police because he breached his avo. This was 3 years ago I moved out and went no contact with him. He still lives at home, he refuses treatment, he's abusive psychologically, verbally and emotionally to my parents (and me previously) this has been going on for over a decade. I am close to my parents though and I am witness to the ongoing slow trainwreck.

I fear that one day he will snap and worst case scenario, kill my parents. The other more likely scenario is he will succeed finally in killing himself. He has been threatening suicide for years and this has been almost every couple of weeks for last 4 months. He has made multiple attempts although not lethal - he does abuse over the counter drugs and occasionally alcohol and has accidentally overdosed numerous times, mostly requiring a hospital visit for a couple of stitches or monitoring till the drugs wash out of his system. He self injures in front of my parents, previously he tried to hang himself in front of me. He did so however in a way I know now would not have worked but it was really nasty at the time because I thought it could have, he fell on his back onto a chair and I thought he was paralyzed. He ended up with just bad deep bruising. It has become like theater and my parents don't take him seriously anymore, he's the boy who cried wolf too many times. But I seem to be the only one who is greatly alarmed and worried and think an intervention is needed. I can't blame my parents though, they have tried everything it seems and have tried to get him into therapy, calling police, the hospitals, crisis teams etc etc. - The problem is he is really active in his BPD behaviours -really nasty, obnoxious manipulative and the police, hospital and professionals are sick of him and it seems there's not much they can do.

I'm really traumatized and so are my parents.

He seems to be getting worse in his behaviour and is totally reliant on my parents.

The one option they will not do is kick him out. He has manipulated them over the years to believe he is totally disabled and wouldn't survive out on the streets. He has asperger's as well and he plays on that. He does absolutely nothing! He's the laziest person I have ever met. He doesn't work, he stays home, (in a nice house) gets his food bought for him, his washing done for him (Mum doesn't want her washing machine and dryer broken) gets driven to his opiate clinic (he's on a program because he got dependent on codeine) and makes my parents life a living hell most of the time. He's broken lots of things around their house in his rages or episodes and their last yearly holiday this year was spent fixing things around the house he had broken, including the wall in his room. My Dad spent time making his room nicer and they bought him a new bed, desk and computer. His appreciation at the end was to have a big crisis and rage at them, smash things and self harm in front of them as their punishment. They spend money on fixing his messes and it adds up to alot over the years.

They both go to work and come home exhausted and he sleeps all day and then wakes them up at night being noisy or ranting and having crisis's. They are permanently sleep deprived and on edge. My Mum especially.

I have had bad depression since my early 20s and have other post trauma issues as well.

This week it looks like he might be going into hospital (to get off an antidepressant he seems to think is the problem- no therapy mind you), but i'm not crossing any fingers. My parents see it as a brief holiday from being under is regime. My parents don't really have much support and they don't want to talk to relatives about it, so i have been the brunt of their support. Especially for my Mum. I feel like I can't say no. I find the situation heartbreaking and infuriating. I have been in therapy for years to deal with my own depression and issues and recently found a counselor and am dealing with my family issues.

I have hope that I will recover but I don't have hope anymore for my brother and I am seriously losing hope for my parents.

Thankyou for reading, it has been really good to get this out and I hope this can help others to know they are not alone.

[Turkish]

Your parents sound like classic enablers. I only have to deal with a 3 and 6 year old this far, so I guess it's easy for me to say.

Your parents are dealing with an adult, one who s capable of causing harm. It's sad that The System hasn't been able to deal with this long-term, as in helping them with a plan. How much do you really feel that your parents are in danger, and are their senior resource centers local with which you may be able to connect to get guidance? Are there elder abuse advocates nearby?

[isshebpd]

forevernew, I can relate to a lot of you're saying, even the specific details. My parents feel they have no choice but to enable my uPDbro, and they often live in fear of his rages. He has done things like break furniture and punch a hole in a wall, but I don't know if he's ever been physically violent with my parents.

He sleeps during the day and lives at night, often keeping my parents up with his ranting. As a former night shift worker, I can't imagine why someone would be nocturnal on purpose. I want to discuss Circadian rhythms with him, but it would probably piss him off as he thinks he's a lot smarter than me. He's also extremely lazy and uses our parents in many ways. Oh yes, and he broke their washing machine by constantly overloading it.

As the elder son, I feel the pressure from social norms to somehow try to protect my parents. uPDbro is 38 and our parents are almost 70. Like you, all I can do is watch the situation worsen and fear for the future.