Now time to grieve and stop obsessing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For over three months I've tried my way.  Nothing has worked.  And it ended badly. I guess there was no other way for it to end. As dumb as it sounds everyone here and my friends all said don't take her to the concert. I refused to listen or heed. And it's almost like God orchestrated our meeting Friday night and said if you won't end it I will. And the woman I was with (who is unemployed, has bi polar, and she said herpes). She also is gone now too. I need to thank god that happened too. 

But because for three months I've been doing it my way I really had been holding out hope.  Still seeing her on her terms on occasion etc. but now it appears it's finally fully over. So now the grieving is truly beginning i think. The trying to let go.

How do I stop obsessing. And how do I fully let go?

I know no contact.  Do things. Etc. but doing things doesn't take her off my mind necessarily.

And that's what I need to do. Get her off my mind

[Scopikaz]

For over three months I've tried my way.  Nothing has worked.  And it ended badly. I guess there was no other way for it to end. As dumb as it sounds everyone here and my friends all said don't take her to the concert. I refused to listen or heed. And it's almost like God orchestrated our meeting Friday night and said if you won't end it I will. And the woman I was with (who is unemployed, has bi polar, and she said herpes). She also is gone now too. I need to thank god that happened too. 

But because for three months I've been doing it my way I really had been holding out hope.  Still seeing her on her terms on occasion etc. but now it appears it's finally fully over. So now the grieving is truly beginning i think. The trying to let go.

How do I stop obsessing. And how do I fully let go?

I know no contact.  Do things. Etc. but doing things doesn't take her off my mind necessarily.

And that's what I need to do. Get her off my mind

[steelwork]

How do I stop obsessing. And how do I fully let go?

I know no contact.  o things. Etc. but doing things doesn't take her off my mind necessarily.

And that's what I need to do. Get her off my mind

Now it really really begins, Scopicaz.

I'm going to cut and paste what I wrote to you last week. Maybe now is a better time for you to consider it, since you're really at Day 1. This is what I said:

---

Three things saved me, and this is where I get back to you, Scopicaz.

1. Even though my friends and family had no clue of how sh*tty the breakup felt (for all the reasons they don't in general, for most people here), I had a sister and a brother and a good friend who would sit with me. Just sit in front of the TV while I picked at food off a TV tray and cried wordless tears. They stopped asking what was wrong, stopped trying to comfort me, and I stopped trying to explain. I just cried on and off, and when I wasn't crying we talked about other stuff. We even joked and had fun sometimes. But the key was that I let myself be a mess. And when I saw that they would still sit with me, even messy me, I stopped feeling like I had to get them to understand why I was such a mess.

2. I found a really good shrink.

3. And this is the biggie, the reason I hope you will read all that other stuff, Scopicaz: eventually, after 2 months of cat and mouse during the darkest times of my breakup, D saw fit to take offense at something I said and cut me off permanently, with extreme prejudice. Whatever his motives were, it was the biggest kindness he could have done me. Your girl does not seem to be doing this for you. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to cut contact on my own initiative, but it seems, dear Scopi, that you will have to be brave and do it yourself. I have no advice for how to accomplish it, and I am in awe of those who have done it. But you have to do it. I can't imagine how I would ever have gotten where I am today if I were still in contact with D. Nope. No way.

You are not I and I am not you. I don't know your pain. But I know what pain is, and what a mother-f desperate lonely hope is. How well are you doing with #1? Can you find people who love you and are tolerant of your crying? Sit with them. Do. Eventually the chatting and joking will overtake the crying. About #2, take stock in your relationship with your T. It might be good, it might not be, you might need to take some other steps on your own before you and your T get out of triage mode, but you do need professional support.

#3, it seems, is all on you. That is scary. You will have to find the strength, though, to cut contact if she won't do it for you.

---

Now, to further elaborate on #2, working on your  head:

Again I'm going to copy and paste, because I think this applies pretty broadly to anyone who, like me, found him or herself way more destroyed by the end of a r/s than an emotionally healthy person would be. This is a quote from an essay on the voicelessness.com site that GreenEyedMonster told us about--one called "The Four Questions." I originally posted this for Penelope35. I think it bears endless repeating.

---

There are three questions that I hear repeatedly in my work as a therapist:  Who (or what) am I?  o I have any value?  Why doesn’t anybody see or hear me?  Sometimes there is a fourth question:  Why should I live?  These are not intellectual questions to be discussed with a glass of wine over dinner; they are deadly serious and come directly from the heart, and they reflect a primordial experience of the world separate from problem solving and reason.  

[skipping ahead in the essay]

Why, for some people, do the four questions emerge after trauma or loss? Because in the subtext of the parent-child relationship, these questions were never adequately answered.  Or if they were answered, the message was:  you don’t exist for me, you have always been a burden, or you exist for limited reasons having to do with my own psychological needs.  Lacking satisfactory answers, the person can spend their whole life erecting props-ways they can validate their very existence.  They do this through relationships, career success, self-aggrandizement, obsessive or controlling behavior, drug or alcohol use, or other ways (I will talk about all of these in later articles).   Loss or trauma causes the props to fall, and instead of tumbling to a sturdy stone foundation (“I had a bad time or bad luck, but I’m basically O.K.”), people slide into a vortex of terror, shame, and worthlessness.

---


So Scopicaz, be easy with yourself and understand you are dealing with big wounds. Your pain is not all coming from your ex. Find the source. It may take years. You will be a stronger person in the end.

[steelwork]

I guess all that is a long way of saying that distraction is good... .getting out, to a movie, with friends, read a book, whale on your axe, whatever... .but distraction alone won't do it either, so I think you need relief--times of not having her on your mind--but don't expect her to disappear. She still has things to teach you.

[Penelope35]

Hey Scopikaz

It will take time and effort from you... .it won't happen easily or overnight.  But you can see in these boards how lots of people have been in your position but slowly and steadily they get better. It takes determination though. Read and educate your self. Read about the stages of grief, the challenges of breaking up with a person with BPD,  the reasons why these relationships are so adictive, learn about the mind games that are going on, the FOG and FOO issues. Look within you and try to understand yourself. Read other people's stories and you will see how much you can identify and learn from them. And most importantly, keep dreaming and aiming for a better and healtier future for yourself. You are not alone.

[jessedsickabouther]

Here is what I have done you can decide obviously if any of this would help for you


I got dumped twice in 10 days after taking her back when she promised that she was all in and that she'd made a mistake

That was the first week of December. In mid-December I tried to call and talk about something and she would not pick up she would only text. And it was only about financial matters.

I tried to talk to her about us one last time and she said in an email we only need to discuss the car or the phone at this point. This was 9 days before Christmas so not fun. I wrote her back and I told her that I love her I will always love her and that I was heartbroken but I will respect her wishes

Christmas came and went I did not contact. Her birthday was two days later I did not contact. New Years Eve was 4 days later. I did not contact however at midnight exactly I got a text from somebody wishing me all the best and then they said it was a wrong number who knows.

Then the indirect contact every two weeks contact that was not necessary and didn't actually ask me any questions but clearly was meant to either provoked or get me to respond. I did not contact. Finally three months after her final contact she sent me an email one morning asking me to pay a piddly amount of money for a ticket. I paid it. 10 days later I finally reached out to her and told her we need to start resolving all these financial matters as neither one of us did it. I did this for myself so that I could start to move on and eliminate any need for her to contact me unless it was about us


She did not reply right away. She finally emailed me 5 days later and we went back and forth for 2 days on email and she dealt with the issues and nothing else. When  those were resolved I decided to tell her thank you for everything in an email I told her how much everything she ever did for me meant to me I told her again that I will always care about her and she continued to email only about the financial issues but I know she read it

That night I said to her in my final email which was extremely brief that let's leave it like this if you need me at some time in the future and I emphasized me then pick up the phone and call me because in her last email she said that email was obviously not a very good form of communication but I didn't know if that meant that she wanted to talk or not but I figured she was capable of stating so

I told her she could reach out to me I left the ball in her Court I told her if she had been trying to reach out with these indirect contact that I was not opposed to speaking with her and that she should feel comfortable if she wants to talk to me but that I was accepting if we are just moving on as she asked 3 months ago

She did not reply she did not tell me to move on she did not answer anything she went from no contact to 20 emails and when she did reply to the email she was replying like every minute so it was like she like talking to me but she didn't want to talk about her feelings.

My final email was 4 days ago and it is now set up in such a way that there is nothing more for us to talk about regarding the car the phone the insurance any of this other stuff

I then started talking to other girls and I've decided to leave that ball in her court and move on. When I speak to other women I do not talk about my ex. Save that for your friends or family or therapists do not talk about your ex at this point if you decide to go on a date. Pay attention to signs if you go on a date and don't ignore them


Right now I have no idea if she will ever contact me again. If she contacts me about anything Financial I'm going to ignore it. If she contacts me a second time then I'm going to tell her straight out that I'm not handling any more of these questions and that you have basically two choices you can come over and talk to me face-to-face as a friend. Or if I'm not in a relationship I will go to talk to somebody with you. And if you don't want either of those things then you can figure out everything else on your own I'm fine with that I made peace with that


You can't force someone to come back and you have no control over what's going to happen you can only handle what you can do or what you're willing to do or accept. For right now my girlfriend treated  me fairly well I would say while we dated so I haven't completely closed the door even though I have accepted that it is probably over

Breaking the no contact after 3 months help me to tie things up and make things very tidy and it also closed any loopholes for her to keep doing indirect contact. I was a good boyfriend I was faithful I was loving to her I never lied to her I never cheated and I'm comfortable with overall how I treated her and if she find something that's better than there's nothing I can do about it. If she wants to go back into therapy and I'm not with someone then I would still be willing to do so as I said .

But my eyes are wide open now and I know what I'm getting myself into. Personally I don't think I will hear from her or that she's willing to talk about stuff but I do think she could again try to provoke some reaction at some point especially if some other guy has tired of her

Just get yourself in a position where you're comfortable walking away with it State whatever you feel honestly in one final email and let her be and if and when she comes back at some point then you can say what your boundaries are in the meantime do not contact her unless you have a legal matter to tie up Let Her Go do not bother her to not do stupid things do not show up where she could be and don't participate in this stuff thinking you can go and buy her something and she's going to come back.

It will suck you are going to hurt every day you were going to probably cry you were going to miss her you were going to think about her all the time but eventually you will want to talk to other people and you will slowly start to feel better


This is the best I can offer you I hope that you start listening to some people though because you're not listening to anybody that's trying to help you

[Scopikaz]

What do you mean don't expect her to disappear?  Still things to teach me?

[steelwork]

What do you mean don't expect her to disappear?  Still things to teach me?

I mean that if you tell yourself to stop thinking about her that will likely backfire.

It's good to stay busy, spend time with people, go running, see the sunrise -- as JQ would advise -- all things that put your focus away from her. But she will be in your thoughts anyhow, and trying to banish her won't work. Try to make the times you think about her as productive as possible.

Is that too vague? I'm sorry. But try to minimize the amt of time thinking about what you should have done differently, what she's doing right now, who she's with, that kind of thing.

Instead think about the ways in which you were basically incompatible.

Think about what you've learned about yourself from this experience.

Think about what patterns she fit into. Like, I can give you a personal example: I was attracted to D because I love puzzles. I love emotional puzzles and figuring out complicated people. That isn't a bad thing -- just who I am. But I allowed my personal life to spin out of control partly because I couldn't stand to walk away from an unsolved puzzle. He taught me something about my limits.

[Scopikaz]

Well unfortunately I can't think of ways at the time that we weren't really incompatible.  When we were together overall she mirrored me really well or just made it seem we were very compatible.

There were differences for sure I guess. My faith is more important to her than hers. Church. Prayer. God.  All these weren't as important to her.  Based on the fact she didn't go to church. Never saw her read bible. She never posts religious things on Facebook. Etc.

Also I liked food network channel and she didn't like that as well.

She also has no money. And to me 401k and saving are somewhat important. She has neither

But now there are a lot more differences. She's loving the bar scene. Too much. The drinking. Partying type clubs. The friends she's making at them who are in my opinion losers. Players. Takers. Etc

But when I think of her I'm going to try to pray instead. Lol. Will see if that works

[Fr4nz]

Just get yourself in a position where you're comfortable walking away with it. State whatever you feel honestly in one final email and let her be and if and when she comes back at some point then you can say what your boundaries are in the meantime do not contact her unless you have a legal matter to tie up. Let Her Go. do not bother her to not do stupid things do not show up where she could be and don't participate in this stuff thinking you can go and buy her something and she's going to come back.

Excellent piece of advice Jesse! I followed exactly the same policy and it worked like a charm, since it allowed me to focus on myself and heal. I still often think about her nowadays, mostly because of the emotional traumas that she inflicted on me, and sometimes because of the "good moments"; in any case, now I'm fully functional and quite happy with my life. I definitely moved on and think about what happened less and less.

Have to say that I also dated several other girls after the breakup: they where very good - and emotionally stable - girls, and thanks to them I realized how much dysfunctional my ex was (and how/why I fell in that dysfunctional rabbit hole for 1.5 years).

I'm at almost 13 months of NC now. Not a peep from me or her, apart from 2 very indirect contacts on her side (I don't know if they were intentional or not, in any case I didn't react at all).

I also know that she continues to watch my FB page, sometimes. I guess that the "cut-off" types maintain some kind of bond with their exes in this way.

[jessedsickabouther]

The indirect contacts are always intentional let me ask you a question do you indirectly contact her no so there's your answer the problem is it doesn't mean anything because they have no logic that you could follow that's why we're all here because a normal girl would it make us this crazy that would be searching for this crap on the internet. The whole thing always ends up in the same place the crapper and it sucks and it's always going to suck but the more you get around healthy people the easier it is to start to heal

[jessedsickabouther]

And by the way for anyone who was following my Saga not that I want to jump in his thread here I did call her out on the indirect contact when we were doing the email exchange and she had no answer for anything so I knew it was deliberate. I honestly don't even know if they know why they do stuff at all. They take years to let go they will always doing something always be doing something I should say the problem is that in a healthy break up if you get in direct contact then you think that the person might just be too shy to speak up and you can reach out to them with a BPD it doesn't mean anything nothing tangible that you can hold onto until your left just holding out hope and lingering on much like our good buddy scope here is doing

Trust me if and when somebody want to even a BPD they will have no problem telling you but I promise you it will just be for a short time and they will be using you until you get so sick of it that eventually you won't care anymore

[apepper21]

For over three months I've tried my way.  Nothing has worked.  And it ended badly. I guess there was no other way for it to end. As dumb as it sounds everyone here and my friends all said don't take her to the concert. I refused to listen or heed. And it's almost like God orchestrated our meeting Friday night and said if you won't end it I will. And the woman I was with (who is unemployed, has bi polar, and she said herpes). She also is gone now too. I need to thank god that happened too. 

But because for three months I've been doing it my way I really had been holding out hope.  Still seeing her on her terms on occasion etc. but now it appears it's finally fully over. So now the grieving is truly beginning i think. The trying to let go.

How do I stop obsessing. And how do I fully let go?

I know no contact.  Do things. Etc. but doing things doesn't take her off my mind necessarily.

And that's what I need to do. Get her off my mind

It will take a long time to get her off your mind. And when that happens, it's brief, but when you realize that it happened it's like "WOW" I wasn't thinking about her for a minute! That means maybe it will happen again, maybe it will be longer next time, etc. The point of distraction right now isn't necessarily to stop thinking  about her, but to prevent you from contacting her, and trying to find what you enjoy doing in any way.

I didn't think it was ever going to happen that I didn't think about my ex, especially b/c I still work with him. But there are cracks now, and when I think back to 5 weeks ago, before it was final, I compare then to now and I realize I don't have to worry about when I wake up in the morning, texting him, worrying what will he text, will my text not be enough, etc. And that's just the morning, FIRST things when I wake up. Then there are the mornings we were together, when we spent the night together, not having to deal with the previous hours before, the many hours during the night when I should be sleeping, having to deal with his insecurity, leaving, not leaving, what did I do wrong... .

Take notice of even the LITTLE moments, seconds minutes, however long it is, that you don't think about her, when you used to HAVE to, when she forced you to.

It's a process. I thought and still think about him way more than I want to. It will take time, and I don't like that either and never think I'm moving on fast enough. Have some compassion for yourself, it's normal to feel the way you are. At the same time keep trying to distract yourself in ways that make you feel good. Figure out what you like doing.

Going for a walk outside, buying food or renting a movie that she would never have been ok with, etc. It feels good doing that stuff.

And ripping up cards, pictures, etc or smashing smashable things that remind you of her, all feel really really good!

[khibomsis]

Scopikaz, when my BPD ex dumped me it hurt so much I literally thought I could die from it. So I did pray. Every minute I wasn't working for the first few weeks. It worked. I am older and wiser now about my issues that she hooked into. happier than ever although still far from perfect.  I wanted to say have some faith! We are never asked to carry a burden greater than we can bear. Because we don't have to bear it alone   

[Scopikaz]

Thanks. I've prayed a lot too. My prayers have been :

- that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about me

- that anyone in her life not from him be removed. Including me. But also others she's meeting in bars now. Her roommate etc

- replace them with people from him

- that devil have no influence over her

- that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life

- that she desire the life we had together once more instead of the life she's living

- that she hit rock bottom

- that she grow closer to God

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks. I've prayed a lot too. My prayers have been :

- that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about me

- that anyone in her life not from him be removed. Including me. But also others she's meeting in bars now. Her roommate etc

- replace them with people from him

- that devil have no influence over her

- that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life

- that she desire the life we had together once more instead of the life she's living

- that she hit rock bottom

- that she grow closer to God

What about YOU, scopi?  All I read in those prayers are things for her.  Where are you in all this?  You matter too. This is your time, not hers. 

Have you spoken to a dr yet about being depressed?

[Scopikaz]

Those are my prayers for her. For me I was praying to be removed from her life if I'm not for her. And now I'm praying that he remove my desire for and obsession with and for her. And that he heal my heart. And that his will be done.

[Nextinline]

Thanks. I've prayed a lot too. My prayers have been :

- that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about me

- that anyone in her life not from him be removed. Including me. But also others she's meeting in bars now. Her roommate etc

- replace them with people from him

- that devil have no influence over her

- that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life

- that she desire the life we had together once more instead of the life she's living

- that she hit rock bottom

- that she grow closer to God

What about YOU, scopi?  All I read in those prayers are things for her.  Where are you in all this?  You matter too. This is your time, not hers. 

Have you spoken to a dr yet about being depressed?

Sorry LA but I don't see this the same way as you do.

You have been right on the money with all of your posts of late as you have been great at using your experience to guide and assist people through these dark times.

I see the prayers being offered here as manifestly selfish and to be honest, destructive in terms of what this fellow wants to see happen. Break them down. What he is praying for is:

• that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about him



• that anyone in her life not from him be removed



• that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life



• that she desire the life we had together once more



• that she hit rock bottom

Quite seriously, these are not prayers being offered in the hope that this person can find her path in life and be a fully functioning person. These are "hopes" being offered as prayers that this person "gets what she deserves and comes back on her knees even more broken so he can save her".

None of this is healthy.

Apologies for not seeing it the same way LA but I don't seen anything here but bitterness and revenge in these words and they are very, very serious    indicating that SK is in total denial about his own mental and emotional state and needs to now get some help, either through a forced intervention by friends or family or hopefully that he reads what people have been telling him for months, that he must walk away, he must let go and he must get help.

If he does not want to do that then he is on the wrong board!

I appreciate the softly, softly way in which people have been trying to guide and help you SK but when you tell us that you are praying for someone and that when we read those prayers they are all about satisfying your own self serving needs and ultimately wishing bad things on this woman then someone needs to tell you that is not ok. For you or for her.

How about you pray for her to find peace within her troubled mind and soul instead of praying for her to hit rock bottom and turn back to you just to satisfy your ego.

Sorry for this being blunt to you, but what you have told me here is not cool and it is not ok in my world.

Pray for the best things in people to be delivered to them... .not the worst things.

Go and see a T as soon as you can before you spiral further into the depths of depair.

[/list]

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks. I've prayed a lot too. My prayers have been :

- that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about me

- that anyone in her life not from him be removed. Including me. But also others she's meeting in bars now. Her roommate etc

- replace them with people from him

- that devil have no influence over her

- that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life

- that she desire the life we had together once more instead of the life she's living

- that she hit rock bottom

- that she grow closer to God

What about YOU, scopi?  All I read in those prayers are things for her.  Where are you in all this?  You matter too. This is your time, not hers. 

Have you spoken to a dr yet about being depressed?

Sorry LA but I don't see this the same way as you do.

You have been right on the money with all of your posts of late as you have been great at using your experience to guide and assist people through these dark times.

I see the prayers being offered here as manifestly selfish and to be honest, destructive in terms of what this fellow wants to see happen. Break them down. What he is praying for is:

• that God remove negative thoughts feelings emotions and replace with good ones about him



• that anyone in her life not from him be removed



• that she be convicted or feel empty in her present life



• that she desire the life we had together once more



• that she hit rock bottom

Quite seriously, these are not prayers being offered in the hope that this person can find her path in life and be a fully functioning person. These are "hopes" being offered as prayers that this person "gets what she deserves and comes back on her knees even more broken so he can save her".

None of this is healthy.

Apologies for not seeing it the same way LA but I don't seen anything here but bitterness and revenge in these words and they are very, very serious   indicating that SK is in total denial about his own mental and emotional state and needs to now get some help, either through a forced intervention by friends or family or hopefully that he reads what people have been telling him for months, that he must walk away, he must let go and he must get help.

If he does not want to do that then he is on the wrong board!

I appreciate the softly, softly way in which people have been trying to guide and help you SK but when you tell us that you are praying for someone and that when we read those prayers they are all about satisfying your own self serving needs and ultimately wishing bad things on this woman then someone needs to tell you that is not ok. For you or for her.

How about you pray for her to find peace within her troubled mind and soul instead of praying for her to hit rock bottom and turn back to you just to satisfy your ego.

Sorry for this being blunt to you, but what you have told me here is not cool and it is not ok in my world.

Pray for the best things in people to be delivered to them... .not the worst things.

Go and see a T as soon as you can before you spiral further into the depths of depair.

[/list]

Hey next,

Thanks for the kind words.  What I was more attempting was to address that Scopi posted prayers he has sent for his ex (selfish or not didnt matter to me), not to himself.  Granted, I can see why you say that... .I didnt want to address the content of the prayers as the prayers weren't about him and his well being (hopefully that makes sense). 

On a side note, I agree that they are veiled in such a way as to ask God for her to see the "error of her ways" and see that Scopi is the light.  He's asking God to take away what God will never take from her: free will.  But, I don't really want to get into theology.  This isn't the forum for that debate.

What's important here is Scopi's well being.  I see that he is conflicted, hurt, and in a downward spiral.  Scopi, if you read this, please talk to a therapist about your depression and what's going on in your life as soon as possible.  It will help you find your center again.  It will help you find that calm from the tempest that you've experienced.  I understand that you purposely avoided my direct question, but please speak to someone about all this as soon as possible.

(Oh, and next, no apology needed, btw. I just didn't do well trying to get my intention across on my post ).

[Scopikaz]

Well. Honestly I have two friends who are alcoholic. One hasn't drank In 12 years and is Doing well. But he hit a rock bottom. And the other friend still drinks. She hasn't hit rock bottom. But I guess I see my ex in those Terms now I guess.  She (imo) is on a downward spiral. So yes I do want to see her do better.  And if that means her hitting a rock bottom. Or realizing the people she's associating with are enabling her or not doing anything to help her. I don't see that as a bad thing. And so yes. I am concerned about her.  And do want to see her doing better. But sometimes it takes feeling empty. Or hitting rock bottom. Or a new circle of friends to get you where you need to be. And I do pray for gods will. And I was being honest too though in expressing my desire to be with her again. 

But you're right I am conflicted. I want the her I knew back. Not the person she's become.

[Fr4nz]

The current person is the real her, sadly.

[Scopikaz]

I tend to think so too. I think it's why in part she lost her children years ago. I think she tried to be a good person in marriage.  And with me. But in both cases sounds like she wanted to party more than either he did or I did. And so that's what she's doing now.  So I know she will never recycle or have change of heart.  And she may get married to someone with issues too. And wind up divorced again.

[WoundedBibi]

You're right that hitting rockbottom can help to get someone on the right road. Their right road. I'm not sure if it works like that for someone with BPD. Rockbottom might get them into therapy but they have to stick it out after they go up from rockbottom again. But that's beside the point   

It's a kind thing that you want her to find her right road, or a life with less pain for her and those around her. Being kind is probably part of why you ended up with the BPD person 

But now you need to focus on being kind to you. Find your road to feeling less pain. Even if you still want part of her, you know you cannot isolate that part of her and throw away the rest. Let her take care of her. If she finds that road, wonderful! But don't go sit around for her to find that road and come back to you:

Life is too precious to waiste on waiting.

She most probably will never heal as completely as you would like.

And if she did, or to make sure you have a good chance of a healthy relationship with anyone else (if that is what you want), you need to heal from your issues.

Take care of YOU. Focus your prayers on YOU. Ultimately YOU is all you have, all you are responsible for and all you have to live for. Without becoming a NARC    make sure YOU become your soulmate and the love of your life.