No hope

[CMom]

Hi Everyone,

Feeling very badly today.  Got the book, Walking on Eggshells and, after reading it, I have no hope for my adult daughter.  She has every characteristic of severe BPD.  I haven't seen my granddaughters in 1 month because I am being punished for "being too uptight emotionally.  I got notification I can't use my first name any more so I am signing just my initials.  Thank you for any and all replies.  CM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi CM

I can hear your pain and I'm so sorry. You must miss your grandchildren terribly and I'm sure they miss you just as much. I hope this gives you some comfort. It's just exhausting being so highly emotional all the time and I honestly understand that.

I can only speak for myself and I'm not suggesting that your situation is similar to me. About 4 years ago I was obsessed with my Bpds. I felt that I would be the hero, if he didn't have the strength to fix himself then I felt I did. But he wouldn't behave how I wanted him to, there was such friction between us and no matter what I did or what I said it only made the situation worse. My own behaviours were just crazy as I tried everything. My friends got sick to death of listening to me harp on about the latest drama or event. I was all consumed with frustration, anxiety, guilt, shame and anger. I reached a point where my Bpds shut the door in my face and I walked away.

This was my turning point. I realised I was making myself sick and my Bpds hate me. His behaviour was diabolical but mine wasn't much better. I can see now that I spent my entire time wagging my finger at him, criticising him, not listening. My friends were helpless too and must have really struggled to spend any time with me. I was just so sad.

I took responsibility for myself, started living my own life and I started to put myself first. It was life changing and I know it's never too late. I've seen my mother in law do something similar. She was widowed at 74 and she soon realised her son who lives close by didn't want her visiting all the time. Yes, she felt unloved and unwanted and yes there was some upset.  but she started reaching out to community groups and now at 84 is always doing something, goes on day trips out, vacations (always at Xmas), lunches or has friends over to her house for a meal. She does all this on her moderate pension and she says her life is full and happy. She doesn't need us.  As a consequence of this, both of her sons have changed their behaviour towards her. They both call her every few days, the close by son takes her out to lunch now and then and does the odd job that needs doing that she can't manage. She visits us two or three times a year. She's interested in the grandchildren and does ask about them but to be perfectly honest has distanced herself, she doesn't want to get caught up in the dramas. She was always quite interfering but I enjoy spending time with her now.

I am concentrating so hard on changing my own behaviours, I've proved this to my Bpds and he can see it, feel the benefits of it.  My progress is slow but steady. It's taken a long time to get to this point and there's a lot more to be done.

I'm wondering if there's anything positive you can do for yourself that would help reduce your emotional anxiety? Something to absorb yourself in to help you take your mind away from the problems. A project? It'd be a start.

Maybe this time away from each other will turn out to be a cloud with a silver lining. There will come a time, perhaps a birthday or something similar when your grandchildren will ask about you, they will want you. If you can show your daughter that things are different perhaps you both can find a way forward.

I hope this helps.

L

[Huat]

Hi again CM:

Wonderful post from Lollypop!

The only person you have control over and the only person you can change is... .YOU.  As Lollypop described so well, a shift in the way you think and act WILL be noticed, causing those around you to readjust, rethink their actions.  Easier said than done... .but it can be done... .slowly maybe, but surely.   ; )

[Eyeamme]

Hi CMom,

I too have been cut off from my grandsons. It is heart wrenching. The only thing more heart wrenching is trying to have a relationship with my 34yo uBPD daughter.

Start taking care of yourself. You will be amazed how much you will learn. It has been 4.5 months since I have spoken to my daughter and I am working on me. We are the only ones that we can control.