Letting go...

[Tommm70]

This is my first post, was hoping for some advice or suggestions on the process of letting go. I think we are both BPD.

Several Years ago, while in rehab for pill addiction after a failed suicide attempt. One doctor told me I most likely have BPD. I have always strughgled extremely hard when break ups happen in my life. I suffer horrible pains and fears of being alone. On March 17th, 2003 my sober date I began a journey into recovery and accept the fact I am an addict. I was very active in a 12 step program, but still struggled with that empty feeling.

I was active until I met my now ex fiance. When we met, I quickly morphed into her likes and dislikes, little did I know she was hiding who she truly was also. In recovery I learned the importance of admitting my mistakes, and being held accountable. Im not perfect at this, but I feel I am much better at this than ever before. When my ex and I would argue, should wouldn't hear a thing I said, but instead tell me why I did what I did. Many times an argument would begin with her in a very bad mood, and at the enmd of it, she would accuse me of attacking her and saying mean things. On a dime, she would tell me she hates me, thatg Im mental, an addict, im hiding things, to I love you, Im sorry, Im just crabby.

As much as my gut told me this was not goiong to work, I asked her to marry me, and we moved in together 5 months ago. We were together 2 years. Once she mnoved in, our masks were off around each other. She has 3 kids, 2 with her ex husband. They are 11 and 4, and lived with us half of the time. Her oldest is 22 and in the Navy. My ex had no problems making fun of me in front of her kids. She would put me down, tell me I breathe to loud, I snore, I'm up all night (after I getr up for drink of water), tell me my 12 step program is a cult.

The event that things turned forever bad was the night before her son's Naval academy graduation. She was on phone at 2AM, and didn't get out of bed. I guess I *sighed* when I decided to get up and go lay on couch while she talked. When I came back she attacked me for being rude while on the phone. Next morning I lost it. Said horrible things, and I mean horrible to which she told me not to go and we were breaking up. 3 days later, she convinced me I am abusing (which I was) and it was all my fault and if I ever do it again, she will leave for good. These types of break ups happened alot, and she would literally be afraid of me, even though I never once made a threatening move or made a threat. We are both high anxiety. The sad part is I was starting to believe everything she told me.

As I write this, I can't believe I have such little respect for myself to not leave myself. Over next few months it got worse and worse until she finally decided to move out last week, and this past Friday she returned for her things. Our last fight was so bad, she told me she wouldn't move out until I gave her money. I went to police because she threatened to have family hurt me, which I know was out oif anger, but I did not know what to do.

Next thing I know I am being served with an order of protection. Luckily some of the allegations are provable that they did not happen. I contested, and the oop will not stay in effect, but the judge is considering mutual civil restraining orders (if you violate, can be sued, not arrested). We have a court date this week.

Now my question. Why, after all of this, and I played my part in the problems too, trust me. I'm no angel. Why does every fiber of my being, obsess over this? Part of me wants to talk to her, to see if maybe she has changed her mind. She accused me of making her homeless because she had to go stay at her sisters the last week. My therapist says this has most likely triggered her own abandonment issues. Why I still have hope? Is it possible?  I pine over someone who has literally moved out and filed an order of protection. Oh and while moving things out, she left some pretty ___ty messages in my house, empty Victoria Secret bag on bed, took every households item, and left only sentimental gifts I bought her. She kept the generic stuff. She hates me.

I really miss her kids, they are awesome, and knowing I may never see them again really hurts. If anyone has experience with that, I could use some advice with that as well.

At least I did not relapse, and have reconnected with my 12 step group. They told me to let it go to my higher power, which I know is where I have to start.

[Tommm70]

Wow, I just read the first post in this forum. Great information is already there. Have also been reading the posts on this thread, and see what it is I need to do.