Different people in pictures?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Something I have been wondering about, maybe it's just me, but do you guys have this feeling that when you see your exSOwBPD in pictures it's like they look like completely different people in different pictures? I already read somewhere they often look younger than they are as if time passes at a different rate for them, which is true for my ex; he looks,years younger than he is. Or he used to anyway. Time and substance abuse might be catching up with him now. But when I look at pictures of him it's like he is a very different person in each of them. Apart from him changing his appearance in style of clothing whenever he changed jobs (roughly every 2 years) and countries, his face seems different in different pictures. Like he's changing persona. Did any of you notice that with your exSOpwBPD?

[WoundedBibi]

Something I have been wondering about, maybe it's just me, but do you guys have this feeling that when you see your exSOwBPD in pictures it's like they look like completely different people in different pictures? I already read somewhere they often look younger than they are as if time passes at a different rate for them, which is true for my ex; he looks,years younger than he is. Or he used to anyway. Time and substance abuse might be catching up with him now. But when I look at pictures of him it's like he is a very different person in each of them. Apart from him changing his appearance in style of clothing whenever he changed jobs (roughly every 2 years) and countries, his face seems different in different pictures. Like he's changing persona. Did any of you notice that with your exSOpwBPD?

[WoundedBibi]

And another thing that I noticed: when he smiles -in a picture and in real life- he never ever shows his teeth. It's all closed smiles not open ones. I read somewhere they feel they come across fake when they show teeth when they smile.

Which I get in pictures; I'm too self conscious so in pictures I often look tense when I smile with my teeth showing. But I do smile with teeth showing in real life.

[troisette]

I'd not given it much thought Bibi but yes, my ex does look much younger than he is. He dislikes photos of himself, considering himself ugly, although he isn't. He also has a closed mouth smile, usually with blank eyes, he tends to look guarded. He also looks different in photos, although that may be the angles.

[MapleBob]

I've noticed quite the opposite: I feel like our breakup has aged my ex five years in the past twelve months! But she looked younger than her age when I met her. It's like she's catching up - if only that applied to emotional maturity too!

[JRT]

I saw a recent photo of my ex... .Like Maple Bob's ex, mine looks like she has aged 10 years in the last year.

[SWLSR]

BPD people tend to the live the kind of lives of who they are currently with and when they leave they us they tend to go to someone different from us because its all our fault for there unhappiness.  So yes they can look either younger or older depending on who they are with.

[WoundedBibi]

I think mine is with nobody. Or perhaps he is now and that's why his blog suddenly stopped. But I think he was with no-one when he wrote the drama on his blog and when the New Years Eve picture was taken. I think he looks older there and has a weird vacant look (at the ceiling yes  ) and just looks... like he does not take care of himself. And he was very proud of his good looks... I suppose it's because he was in crisis in December. And perhaps of the non-stop drinking.

[troisette]

I didn't want to mention it - yes, my ex seems to have aged since we split. The photos I mentioned were before we broke up.

[Lonely_Astro]

My ex is a former beauty queen, so she can easily turn on a smile when a camera is near.  We used to call it her "beauty queen smile".   She thought it was funny, I thought it was sad.  I say sad because she would smile but I could tell if was a fake smile.  That's her "beauty queen smile" - it's fake.

She did smile and laugh, at times.  I could always tell the real smile from the beauty queen one, which eventually annoyed her.  I've always been good at micro expressions and body language, so it was increasingly harder for her to be deceptive toward me, another thing she didn't like about me toward the end.

I have literally watched J go from crying her eyes out to a beauty queen smile in less than 10 seconds then back to crying. The vast majority of the pictures I see her in - beauty queen smiles.

[WoundedBibi]

My ex never really laughed. When he found something funny he smiled or chuckled at most. He hated when people laughed out loud. I wasn't allowed to either. Made him very angry whenever I did. I think it was his sensitivity to sound. Loud talking, also a no-no, big crowds a no-no, sound during sex a no-no. Loud music a no-no unless he was waisted and we went to a club. Perhaps he could take loud sounds or distorted sounds (not sure what happens in his head with sound) better when we was completely waisted/high.

His closed smile is with laughing eyes though. It differs from a look saying "gosh I'm really happy now because I'm with someone that makes me feel good" to "wow, you're awesome" when he is looking at a girl that is the latest source of supply, to "lord I look good and I so know it... ", to "me and my harem of girls... I'm good... " to a "if you only new what goes on behind these eyes... " sly look. Or at least that's my translation/interpretation 

[WoundedBibi]

He not we. I never did the drugs thing (don't need it) and I like a drink but I've never been waisted.

[GreenEyedMonster]

YES!  I absolutely get what you mean by this.  There were pics of my ex where he looked very handsome -- one in particular that was my favorite of him that I would show around to friends.  In other pics, he'd look scraggly or effeminate at best.  It was hard for me to pin down what he actually looked like, to be honest, because his appearance was quite variable even though he never really changed his style.  He also passes for being in his 20s or 30s when he is really middle aged.  He dresses like someone in his early 20s.

He had very poor fashion sense.  I can remember him showing up for a night out with me wearing a baseball cap for his favorite football team.  The hat looked like it belonged on a trucker in the 80s -- the brim was entirely straight and stiff, and he wore it really high on his head.  It was totally geeky.  I wondered why on earth he thought he looked good in things like that.

I was thinking the other day about something my mother said about his pictures.  She said he looked "fierce" when he played music.  He confided in me that music was where he'd released all his rage.  When I look now at his band's website, and see pictures of him playing, I see him without the mask.  I see the rage and anger and control that I saw at the end.  That is the time that he would take the mask off and allow his real self to show.

[WoundedBibi]

Yeah... the pictures where he doesn't smile, where he is either angry (with life, with whatever) or depressed, those are the real him I think.

I liked him best when he was soft and shy. Perhaps a remnant of who he was before the BPD kicked in. Maybe that's just whishful thinking and that's part of his mask too.

The soft guy reminded me of my dad when I was a little girl, the angry cold guy who I was afraid of reminded me of my mum when I was a little girl, and the paranoid depressed guy that was my dad in the last years of his life. Yeah... I have some healing to do...

[Herodias]

Mine looks older... .he is getting more wrinkles. Funny, last thanksgiving he and the gf put up a selfie. She looked like she was going to vomit and he looked drunk. She had a horrible look on her face like I always did when he would act weird then take a picture. I would be thinking "what the heck?" That's how she looked. She always tend to scrunch up her nose and lips at him, not exactly a kiss face, more of a crazy face while he is smiling really big (fake). Like when people put up rabbit ears with their fingers behind someones head- only she is making a "funny" face instead. She looks like a witch anyway, so her big scrunched up nose is less than flattering. The last photo was funny to me, they were shopping in the mall and they were in the Women's Plus section! Who would want that on Facebook? The two of them are beyond me. I share a netflix account with him. She is watching cartoons and he is still watching violent and horror stuff, but he is watching movies about when a gf accidentally gets pregnant! I think he is trying to figure out how to act. He is making friends with all kinds of people on Facebook that have kids now! So strange- remember he told his mother and myself he did not want kids. Now that his sister has one, he wants the attention and happiness she has! I asked him how his sister was... .he said she is so happy! I said oh, you talked to her (she doesn't care for him)... .he said, no- she looks so happy on Facebook! I said, oh, fake book? He thought that was funny. He just looks the same but older. He keeps posting old pictures of the two of them- back when they were "happy"- just like he did with me. Old pictures... .I feel like I know him so well now.  He deleted all of the pictures of me now- only has a picture of the house up still... .I deleted my account finally. She finally went private. I could only see her missing her horses and her profile picture. His Mother is not friends with her on Facebook- only his Dad and his sister- his sister doesn't care- believe me. She never got to know me at all. She barely talks to him. I find it interesting the mother isn't friends with her. She told me she thinks she is trash. I know she doesn't like all of her trash posts. Facebook is so ridiculous- I am happier off of it. try and not look. I know when he has the baby, I will be so curious! I can have a friend let me know.

[MapleBob]

The vast majority of the pictures I see her in - beauty queen smiles.

I haven't seen many pictures of her since the breakup, but my ex could totally rock a "beauty queen smile" when she had to. But it was the saddest smile you'd ever seen, like it could easily turn to tears - but she had decided that she had to smile, for a profile picture or whatever. I see it in some of the few pics I've seen. Other ones I can't tell, but it drove me nuts for a while thinking that she was moving on all la-ti-da happy and care free and then I'd talk to her and she'd be a huge mess. Those were really sad times.

Her real smile always melted me.

[WoundedBibi]

He changed his clothing style a lot over the years judging by pictures. The time I knew him he dressed younger than his age. Sort of rugged military style although he wore some weird stuff too. Like one of his closest minions said with admiration when my ex wore a blouse/shirt and baggy pants with the same colours but clashing pattern "it clashes and nobody else can wear this but A can get away with it... " The ex smiled a knowing smile and I thought " you look weird, but you look like nobody else". I liked the independent streak in him. Didn't like the baseball cap he wore when it rained though   Military boots, long military coat like Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock Holmes (which you might only know when you're in the UK), cargo pants, nicely ironed shirt and then a baseball cap  

Anyway, no reminiscing    The appearance and picture thing, just something I wondered about as looking at pictures the last year I kept thinking "is it me? Am I nuts? Or does he really look like a different person in these pictures? Who is the real him? Do I look that different in pictures? I don't think so... "

[WoundedBibi]

I don't do Facebook. Never have. I've always found it takes people out of the here and now. Posting pics to state they're having fun doing whatever makes me think "no, you're not having fun, you're making pictures, looking through a lense. You're not really THERE." And collecting 'friends'... as if having 638.5 people you mostly hardly know makes you a better person... Besides the whole selfie thing, the dsplayimg of personal stuff, it just leads to Narc behaviour. Not having an account on FB makes it probably easier for me now. Not having to wonder about posts, people blocking me, looking at staged pictures, that brings peace. Whatsapp is bad enough.

[Lonely_Astro]

The vast majority of the pictures I see her in - beauty queen smiles.

I haven't seen many pictures of her since the breakup, but my ex could totally rock a "beauty queen smile" when she had to. But it was the saddest smile you'd ever seen, like it could easily turn to tears - but she had decided that she had to smile, for a profile picture or whatever. I see it in some of the few pics I've seen. Other ones I can't tell, but it drove me nuts for a while thinking that she was moving on all la-ti-da happy and care free and then I'd talk to her and she'd be a huge mess. Those were really sad times.

Her real smile always melted me.

The last thing I ever gave J was a stamped bracelet that said "let your smile change the world".  I added a note to it that said "it did mine."

It's what started all this 4 years ago.  While I have some regrets to how all this played out, I will forever remember that smile.  I knew then my life would never be the same.  It hasn't been.