Please help advise-running away

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 16 year-old daughter is a whirlwind of terrible chaos right now.  Within the last 2 weeks, she has left the home without telling us a number of times,sometimes leaving a note, sometimes not.  Sometimes stays away for an hour, sometimes longer.  She stayed away a whole night once (hiding at the neighbor's house).  This is within a myriad of other problems including eating disorder behaviors, stealing (including trying to steal my credit card), physical aggression, verbally abusing her parents, etc.  She has truly become a different person.  She now called us and just said she's not coming home tonight but won't tell us where she is.  She does not have her medication with her and missed her DBT group.  We really have no idea what to do outside of calling the police or calling her school tomorrow morning (she was there today, don't know if she will go tomorrow).  Has anyone else dealt with this?  I feel completely powerless and heartsick.   

[landslide]

My 16 year-old daughter is a whirlwind of terrible chaos right now.  Within the last 2 weeks, she has left the home without telling us a number of times,sometimes leaving a note, sometimes not.  Sometimes stays away for an hour, sometimes longer.  She stayed away a whole night once (hiding at the neighbor's house).  This is within a myriad of other problems including eating disorder behaviors, stealing (including trying to steal my credit card), physical aggression, verbally abusing her parents, etc.  She has truly become a different person.  She now called us and just said she's not coming home tonight but won't tell us where she is.  She does not have her medication with her and missed her DBT group.  We really have no idea what to do outside of calling the police or calling her school tomorrow morning (she was there today, don't know if she will go tomorrow).  Has anyone else dealt with this?  I feel completely powerless and heartsick.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slwinner]

Hi, sorry to hear this has happened. We've communicated by PM before but I am posting my thoughts to the group as I know there will be different perspectives and experiences.

I understand the fear of having a child go missing. There is almost nothing worse. She's missing her DBT and her meds. She might not be safe. Safety during a crisis is the primary concern. The rest can be sorted out later.

Call the police. Ask for help. Ask if they have officers with CIT (crisis intervention training) who can respond and look for her.

In my experience it's best to not use words like she's out of control or gone crazy even when that may feel like  what's happening.

Be clear that she has a mental illness, is having a crisis and is vulnerable. Say that you are concerned about her well being and she may be a harm to herself or others if you believe that to be true. Don't be afraid to say it like it is. If she was having an allergic reaction to a bee sting and was not breathing you'd be screaming for help. This is no different just because it's a psychiatric crisis. She deserves help and treatment.

Breathe and try to stay calm. I know it's hard. If you know parents or friends of hers that you trust and can call to try and find her do that. That's a gamble though, but if she's in crisis most people will help.

I am praying for you. Please God keep this child safe.

[landslide]

Thank you Slwinner,

For both your advice and prayers.  I am doing my best to stay calm and stay hopeful that we can all hold on until we find the right care for her. 

[michmom]

Hello L,

It is very difficult to deal with our fear at the same time trying to get into "wise mind".  I had this same experience several months ago with my BPD daughter.  I thought I would lose my mind with worry.  I first decided that knowing where she was and if she was safe was the most important thing.  I started calling her friends but no one would help.  I got in my car and starting going to her friends homes so they couldn't easily dismiss me.  I got one friend to reach out to my daughter by snap chat and had her call her.  I was able to have her relay a message to my daughter that I wanted her to come home and would not ask her any questions or hassle her but wanted her to come home.  She agreed that she would call me in 3 hours and tell me where she was so I could pick her up. It was the longest 3 hours of my life.  I didn't know if she would call or have an additional 3 hour head start.  She called and I picked her up and I did not engage in any conversations about it that night or the next day.  If your daughter has a 24/7 DBT coach, call them and ask them to reach our to your daughter.  Call her therapist for support if you need to.  If she misses one dose of her medication it may not have a dramatic effect until tomorrow.  Safety is the most important.  :)id she have a trigger?  :)o you know what it might have been?  I am praying for you.  

[landslide]

We don't where she went, but she showed up late at school today, and we had the principal pull her aside and talk to her, at which point she immediately began saying she would not come home with either my husband or I.  We were worried she would flee again, so they had a police officer come talk to her while my husband was on site.  After talking with the officer, she agreed to come home and said she will not run away as long on the condition that we have a quiet evening and not immediately began re-hashing and discussing things.  I am ok with that for the moment but of course uneasy about upcoming days.  She sees her psychiatrist tomorrow night, so I guess we can start there with talking.  I am mostly relieved that she is safe.  Thanks again for those of you that responded, it helps a lot when you are feeling so alone.       

[bpdmom1]

We went through something similar.  She would threaten to run, wouldn't come home or make a big fuss about coming from school, run away for a night now and then.  The last time she ran for 3+ weeks, came back and ran away again.  Tried to steal my credit card.  She threatened suicide during the last run away and ended up in the hospital.  We then promised that if she ran again the cops would be called, which I believe stopped her from running after that.  She is now in a RTC.  We are now finding out that she wanted us to make her come back home, which if we had tried would have gotten physical.  She stated that she was stuck at a store all night and we didn't even go get her (didn't know).  When she became suicidial she told everyone she had no where to go but to live on the streets.  Any time I would try to reach out to her via text she would say terrible things.

Big hugs to you! 

[landslide]

Thank you, BPDmom1.  It is so helpful to be in a place where people say "Me, too" instead of just staring at you bug-eyed.  I have absolutely wonderful friends but no one who understands in the least.  I have a feeling an RTC is in my daughter's future.  Honestly, in many ways it would be a relief.  We were at her psychiatrist's office yesterday, and she was lying tooth and nail, saying everything was "fine" and then when called on the rug, saying, "Well, I'm fine unless I'm AT HOME!"  We're now on the list for a short-term crisis aversion program that has clinicians come into the home 2x a week to do individual/family work.  Of course, it could still be a couple weeks before there is an opening and we all know how long that can be in the world of BPD!   

[bpdmom1]

Every situation is unique, but I would consider a RTC sooner than later being that she is 16.  We are currently having issues with our daughters progress at the RTC as she just turned 18 and feels she should be able to make her own decisions.  Instead of focusing on therapy she focuses on what she is missing out on and what should be able to do when she is 18.  We didn't find a RTC until we were in a desperate situation.  We used an educational consultant and glad we did as the place we were trying to get her in on our own for sure wouldn't have worked out at all.