Well guys all that bottled-up resentment finally came out tonight oops

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yes even I finally succumbed 2 all these feelings. I don't even know how I feel but let me just say I ripped her apart and good for everything that she did. First via text and then I sent a couple emails that have been in my draft box for a while. I just let it all go and if you were not a BPD let's just say you would have felt like crap receiving this email. I almost wish I could post it easily

It's the same story guys they just don't possess a heart I'm sorry.

I wanted to talk to her in person she never gave me the chance so this is what she got

[jessedsickabouther]

Yes even I finally succumbed 2 all these feelings. I don't even know how I feel but let me just say I ripped her apart and good for everything that she did. First via text and then I sent a couple emails that have been in my draft box for a while. I just let it all go and if you were not a BPD let's just say you would have felt like crap receiving this email. I almost wish I could post it easily

It's the same story guys they just don't possess a heart I'm sorry.

I wanted to talk to her in person she never gave me the chance so this is what she got

[jessedsickabouther]

I'll explain a little bit more. She was supposed to send me something in the mail so I opened up the mailbox and I see a letter from her address to me and it's completely empty and it's open and she did not remove the adhesive strip on the envelope to even seal it


So I have no idea obviously at this point what happened to this legal document. So I took a picture of the envelope and sent it to her by a text. And I get an oops I must have missed that mail up.


So she doesn't tell me whether or not she actually got the document and it's lost and she's freaked out she just males me a blank envelope that's open. And you know what I'm just sick and tired of these crazy things that just seemed to happen to people who have BPD because I've never done something like this.

Let's just say that she didn't like what I said back about the legal matter and she told me I was being ridiculous and she asked me why I was being a jerk and you know what she just walked right into 3 months of me holding my tongue. This you know what cheated on me while living with me and my apartment and then she dragged me back into this relationship with all these promises only to discard me in the cruelest way.  , I mean I could not have been any more of a gentleman after being cheated on and finding out I didn't even raise my voice to this girl.


At the very end of the text exchange she didn't like what I was saying because I think the truth hurts a little bit too much. And she couldn't say anything bad about me. I got dumped for nothing. So it wasn't like she had any good reply she tells me to stop texting her. And I said really? Make sure that's what you really want because if you're telling me just to be clear I don't contact you again you don't have to worry I never will. I pretty much tried to bait her into saying it.  I said all you have to do is say don't ever contact me again and I promise you you will never ever hear from me again. And her last reply was what makes you think that I do? We broke up.

And I'm sitting there thinking oh I don't know like every 2 weeks since we broke up you're doing something to harass me or annoy me that was completely unnecessary. And that was it for me. I had done the thing where you just write out the email but don't send it and I did one really nice one a few weeks ago and I did one where I just called her out on everything including about my children and cheating lying basically stealing from me in a sense and I even went through the stupid cast of telling her all the things that I did and reminding her all of the things that she promised and I said basically we're f****** done pardon my French and you will not ever hear from me again anyway and I'm done crying over you worrying about you caring about you because you don't give a damn about anybody at all by yourself I mean I guess I should feel good right I mean I never got to say it in person I gave her space and I figured maybe she'd show up at some point but at least now I got everything off my chest


You know on some level I'm just satisfied that I got her mad. It's like they don't deal with stuff and now for a couple of hours I at least got her mad and maybe she feels really guilty and shameful for what I put in the email because I'm telling you if I receive this email I would feel terrible.


No contact only works for so long I'm sorry but I'm sick of sitting around crying about it for 3 months and Counting the weeks you know. These people don't give a crap about anybody else they don't have the capacity to let me know what I'm not going to just let it go like I'm a piece of dirt so I had my say I'm done now and it is what it is

[jessedsickabouther]

Here is copied it. I know it's long and a bit crazy but I do feel better




Aubrey


I should never have emailed at all today. 


This is the truth : 


 I have not recovered since discovering you with another guy and then after u walked away after what happened. What I found on my Kindle after.  I should have not contacted you.  I should have resolved things months ago.  


I thought and hoped that maybe you would be that type of person to come to me and ask for some sort of forgiveness or apologize or ask how my ankle is or how my kids are doing. But u blamed me for it instead. 


You buy my daughter boots and then disappear from her life. You leave money on the bed because you were out on a date the prior last night. 


And then when he dumps you you pull me back in and tell me you miss me like I meant something and I fell for it. I drop my kids on Thanksgiving just to go spend time with you.


I don't deserve to feel like I do everyday like I have felt every single day since December 16th. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have cried many days in the past 3 months. 


I'm so dumb and I've just accepted that I've been such a fool. 


I've kidded myself for too long. This will be the last day ever that I kid myself . 


We had fixable problems and I was so in love with you and I honestly wanted to marry you until I found out that you went out with someone else. Do you know that? ? I never lied to u or cheated on you. Never. 



 I don't know why you kept up the charade of looking at apartments and cars. I Was just wasting my time. My kids loved you . Adored you. 


Kids that I didn't want you involved with in the first place unless it was going to be long-term and serious but you were here alone and I cared that you not be alone and I trusted you and let you be in their lives. Don't think that they don't how sadness because you're not around.


  you could have written them a card aubrey. It was weeks before Xmas . They had nothing to do with this.


 In 12 years I've never seen Kira get that upset at an adult as she did with you the day at Potomac Mills Mall because you were basically saying that I don't dress well enough to be around you and that I needed to have that coat. 



 I look in the mirror and I did the best I could I can't do anymore so ... I've reached the end of my road


In the last 3 months I've gone through hell. Sitting alone on Christmas Day. And then watching as every two weeks you did something . You basically stole from me by using the plenti card. It was like this sense of entitlement . You dumped me  so I don't know why you've been angry at me  but clearly you have been .We had broken up so I don't know what gave you the right to use it. It was in my name. It's not even about the money. You could have asked me for anything and I would have done it for you so I don't understand why you did that.


AT&T said that they mail the check as a refund that I overpaid. Which if you received it you didn't even tell me. Why do you think that you got a check from them recently. You could have told me that you receive money and I would have told you to keep it.


You switch the username on the car and the password in.honda said that you just went in and changed it cuz they can see it on there in and you don't even care how anything makes me feel it all. There is absolutely no point to changing it so that I can't get in. It's like a big F you to me. I'm just trying to pay the stupid car payment.



It's like it's not enough that I was always trying to be there for you whether you didn't feel well or not like I literally sat in that waiting room in Reston at the therapist office FOR TWO FULL HOURS and never spoke a word just so that you would know somewhere deep down that I supported you and this is a day after finding out that you're with another guy. Maybe you just think I'm a chump.  I guess so.  certainly not anybody that you care about.




I  have just FINALLY today  come to terms that you're never going to be able to get through enough of your own pain to even see what somebody else is going through. I deal with my own pain yet every day I try to imagine what you must be going through or how you feel or think about things that you told me in the past or worried about your depression. I think about you every single day do you know that and I'm just done I'm cutting it all out cuz I'm tired of wasting all this energy on someone that will never even appreciate it or want it . I don't even have enough time left on this Earth to sit here being miserable everyday thinking that somehow this was just a horrible misunderstanding I get it .


and I just am done I'm just so past  done I was done on December 16th when you didn't even say anything. You call me Barry and boo bear everyday and call me right when you leave work and now I'm just like a piece of s*** that is on the bottom of your shoe I don't even know how to conceptually wrap my head around this and I'm so tired of trying to figure it out. I've given you every opportunity to come and talk to me but you don't have anything to say so I don't have anything to say after this email either I'm done I mean it I'm done I am not turning around. I'm sick and tired of being this pathetic b****.

[jessedsickabouther]

I have shown you time and time again through kindness in coming over and packing up your house and running to get your prescriptions

or bringing you home food that u mattered. 


 And you'd rather just give yourself away to a stranger. Well I don't care.  I'm not your birth mother and I'm not your dad and I know it's been an incredibly painful life for you but you got therapy . I'm me. I didn't do these horrible things to you and I never would I have never ever done horrible things to you. And if you have any doubt about that you can go find your texts  thanking me for loving you. So I don't even want to hear it.


I'm already way past the point where I have any hope that these words mean anything ...


these are for me.


 if you want to do anything for me at all the best thing that you could do for me is understand that you will never have to deal with me again and just delete this email when you're done reading it and don't attack me back because I don't deserve it.


I'm going to say something that my dad told me 5 years ago that I always remember. He said you're never going to change anybody's opinion writing an email especially a woman so I assure you 100% this is my last step in healing I've already way lost the hope that you would ever understand so it doesn't even matter to me if you've already deleted it



 While you're my girlfriend you're sitting there trashing me to your friend. Like you had no care that I said they're putting your cabinets and pantries together. But you want to trash me to your friend like I meant nothing. Like I didn't show up while I was working trying to help you change your tire when I'd only known you a few weeks. This is the person that trashes me.




So good. I mean nothing.  I got it. 


 I'm tired of this I'm sorry but I have to deal with real life problems too. I'm hearing that my boss is not doing well. Like he may die soon I don't know . Who knows if we'll even have a company they don't tell us anything . I don't even have anyone to turn to. You have no idea how much I counted on you as a partner. 


I cared in every way what happened to you and you just walk away and you never even say a word to me about anything and I just can't believe that you're not the person that I thought you were. You're never once  just checked on me.


I'm done killing myself trying to care. this isn't helping me at all. I got it finally. I only spoke to you because  I thought maybe you were too afraid to speak to me  after everything but  that wasn't the case . You obviously made your choice that you don't want to acknowledge any of the things over the past few months but I've left you alone it's fine. 


I have left you completely alone .  So you can let me have this last email without getting mad at me . I've given you your opportunities when you came over here the night you moved out to say all the things that you are upset about  I let you  talk and I listened.  


So you can let me have this one thing


And you even yelled at me today when I'm still trying to help you I don't even want to help anymore. I can't even ask a question and get an honest answer. I'm just completely given up. You don't want to tell me why you did the things you did that's fine I'm done wondering.


I'm the one who ends up in therapy I'm the one who ends up needing the help for what I went through. I'm sorry but I don't even want to know what you would have thought if you found out I was with another woman.


 I'm going to even tell you I still haven't even gone out with another woman but you just move along like everything is perfectly fine. You told me that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I shouldn't have dated you after not seeing her for 6 months and then while you're living in my house here with another guy telling him how special he makes you feel and you don't even know him and ironically a week later he says he doesn't want to see you anymore. I don't want that kind of love if that's love. If you  ever cared about me you should have been here working on it everyday and telling me what you needed.  And you know what yes maybe I should have gone and got cider donuts okay maybe you're right. But it's so selfish because I took you everywhere do you know that we went out to eat so many times we went to Hershey Park we went to mass tonight and he went to the pool we went to play mini golf 25 times we went to the Museum's twice I offered to take you downtown and take a day off and then he didn't want to go. I went to proof. I took your parents around. And you focus on the one thing I don't do. Half the time I have my kids on the weekend and I have to work a lot of hours just to be able to survive and pay child support. And I spend a lot of my free time every day at work going over to your apartment and packing up to save you money because all I cared about was to be able to spend time with you and not have to travel back and forth that's it. And I did that because he sat down on the bed with me in June and we went through all the bills and how you can save money on your student loans and that you wanted all this stuff and then you just didn't want it anymore.


I don't even know why I'm still typing this is just ridiculous none of it makes sense to me you know I'm just tired I'm just tired and I'm wore out and I am so sick of being upset and I'm so sick of thinking about you and I'm so sick of crying and I'm just done with it and this is my last time to ever vent and get it out so I promise you on my children you will never have to deal with me in any way again so please for the sake of my probation in case I'm somehow doing something wrong even though we have been emailing back and forth don't do anything to get me in trouble because I've never ever done anything mean or vindictive to you.

[jessedsickabouther]

I'm not going to waste any more time. I'm not going to waste any more words. I've always done what you wanted and I've always waited for you and I've always come after you and I'm just done so please forgive me---' not that it's necessary but this wasn't one of my better days and I'm sure from sending a long email this morning to another one couple hours ago that I sound somewhat crazy but it's okay .



In light of everything going on I'm just going to give myself a free pass this  time.  It's okay you can think I'm crazy. This last year has just been too much at this point. I've watched all the actions. And they tell me everything. I'm stepping out of this horrible place of denial that I've been in


At any point you could have looked at yourself too. You just go to the next thing but you didn't even try. And I don't even mean we're dating .  But after you move out  you are the one who did all of this  you were the one that tried to talk me into  all of this stuff and tell me I could come live with you if I needed to and that you're going to be here for me  and you begging me to go to therapy .You didn't keep your word about anything. You sat there and begged for my friendship in my kitchen. 

That's okay you can hate me now I'm fine just if you've even read this far just hate me it's probably best


And worse than that is when you were lonely and you wanted me to come back and try I came back. When you didn't want to break up I stayed but now I realize that it will always be about you no matter how nice I am and it's just wasted effort on my part. Absolutely ridiculous that I kept trying  meanwhile you were just using it as a way to buy time to find somebody else so you could run off.  Snapping at me all of the time or hanging up the phone on me like I'm supposed to be this perfect person period looking at you as you devalue me because I was not what you expected me to be. Sitting there week after week holding me for the entire 2 hours at Maddie's game or the football game and then I mean absolutely nothing how is that even humanly possible?





 I sat there letting you cling  to me and cry for days in your bedroom. And you tossed me in the garbage. I did everything that you wanted for so long. And you'd rather me sit at home alone while you cuddle with a complete stranger I can't wrap my head around that ever. I'm not even going to try anymore


I've noticed that you just don't deal with stuff you won't come and have a conversation with me you won't take any responsibility and I'm done trying to hope for the best and you when I've not seen it. We talked about kids and possibly getting married and you send me a good-bye text after living with me that's just so messed up. You tell me give you a bloody 24 hours and I last time I see you is giving you food because I'm more worried how you're doing. 


You promise me that you are all in and you disappear 36 hours later and go right on a dating app. How could you say that you be all in and you don't even care enough to go talk to somebody.?


Honestly just knowing that you would hit delete and this is all you care to it really hit home for me. I thought maybe by Christmas you would have come down and talk to me I thought maybe you would have realized it was a mistake but weeks turned into months and instead of ever once just sending me a nice email or a text you just did things to pick at me with the accounts are my cards or asking for money. I I was just part of a script everything was about Facebook and how you can post everything so quickly it wasn't even about me it was just this image that you wanted to portray. Talking to your ex-boyfriend all the time turning your app on or even giving me silent treatment. 


 you told Elena that you care about me so much. You said you didn't want to be there for the kids and you do this like an hour before I have to go get them then you basically threatened me which is why I said that you should just move out and you can't even come and talk to me you just decide okay well now I just go find somebody else. No no Aubrey I'm sorry that is not ok no it's not it would not have been okay if I had done the same thing I didn't turn on an app. Fine is your life just hide in shame okay it's easier for you to just not deal with stuff.


You can see that sometimes you're good and sometimes you're bad and just like me sometimes I'm good and sometimes I'm bad and just like everybody else but no that's not the way you look at me you just flip the switch and hated me and when it was convenient for you when you were alone again you call me back now you don't need me again so... .


I hope you find your prince charming but I'm just going to stop right here right now. I mean I don't even know why you introduce me to your parents or let me take them around downtown I don't . I've given up I mean it's time I just give up trying to make sense of anything. You kept  so much anger in and I really wish you would just have yelled at me. Say anything.  Say something.  You think I have time for this crap at age 45 after a divorce and after Jessica?


I reached out this morning and the only thing you can say is did you pay the $400. You care about you you care about your credit you care about your feelings. I don't even exist. And that's the reality that I now I'm sure of. 


I don't think we need to send anymore emails regarding any matter .


I believe if you mail me the statement  that you said you would that will wrap it up.


 and I will mail the check for the refund because it is your money and I'm going to do the right thing regarding the other money and I don't care if you tell me you don't want it I'm going to send it twice and you can throw it in the garbage if you want I don't care.


I'm going to be hurt and I'm going to be upset and I'm going to cry for a long time and then I'm just going to move on I just don't have time for this anymore I'm sorry. I absolutely meant Parts about caring about you in the email and I've always meant that but it's just not reciprocated and if this was just a break up you would have left all this other stuff alone and you would have taking me off the insurance and you would of at least cared enough to realize that I'm a human being with feelings and just pick up the phone and ask if there's anything that I need.


You will be fine. Just not going to be with me.


It is time that I really start accepting it and

I will. 


I'm just tired of the one way street it's been that way since I met you. It's always you doing something for me because you want something in return as a way to keep me. I'm not stupid. How many times did you tell me after you bought the car that I owe you he said it so many times. At one point I even asked you if you want  me to take the car back.


 I didn't want to rush into anything and you can't even take the time to get to know me because you don't even seem to know yourself. And then it was back and forth back and forth back and forth every week and I was raised to care about people and try to be understanding mean well I was the one suffering every week. Getting keys made for each of our apartment only to watch you give them back a day later putting my TV in your apartment only to watch you make me take it back a day later breaking up with me when I begged you not to leave last May only to be sitting at Red Lobster with me the next night. And never ever understanding that love is not infatuation no matter whether or not I tell you or you hear it from elena. You don't love somebody to death in the beginning and then gradually start to hate them. You get to know a person and realize that they have your back and you start to care for them more and more. And if you don't think that way then go back into therapy and discuss it with somebody because you going to hurt other people and you're going to spend the rest of your life hurt and I don't want to see that for you or anybody else trust me I'm not wrong about this at all


You have love addiction I'm sorry you should read about it . You are too smart for this I took this chance with you because you told me that you went to therapy. I didn't walk away you always spin everything in a way that made me look bad. How did I treat you differently let's think about this. Treated you differently by allowing my kids around you by coming after you. By caring about your health and your parents and your friends and going to an apartment that was $2,300 a month and telling you that I wanted to be closer for your work. I mean let's think about this for a second what would you have done if I had signed that lease where you just going to walk away then and leave me with $2,300 a month. How were you going to get another place? 

Do you realize that you were the one that was upset that I didn't immediately sign the lease with Eric over here on the two-bedroom place.

[steelwork]

Dude. I read all of that, and I am sorry you had to live it. Who knows what's in her head. I've thought of sending an email but have not wanted to... .I don't know... .give him the satisfaction?

How do you feel now? Does this feel like closure?

[jessedsickabouther]

in a way that made me look bad. How did I treat you differently let's think about this. Treated you differently by allowing my kids around you by coming after you. By caring about your health and your parents and your friends and going to an apartment that was $2,300 a month and telling you that I wanted to be closer for your work. I mean let's think about this for a second what would you have done if I had signed that lease where you just going to walk away then and leave me with $2,300 a month. How were you going to get another place? 

Do you realize that you were the one that was upset that I didn't immediately sign the lease with Eric over here on the two-bedroom place.


I had no idea that you were going to do this and I'm still struggling everyday and I'm just tired because I can't even move on you haven't left me alone in some way for more than a couple weeks and not in a good way at least if it was in a good way I could have looked at you and said okay I made a mistake and she made a mistake but she's a really good person like I thought. 


I made a lot of mistakes too I'm not even saying that I didn't and I legitimately believe that but I never hear anything from you from your heart I never see you stand in front of me and take responsibility for anything because I don't think that you can. And your words don't ever match your actions. You yelled at me because I didn't bring a towel to the shower like I did it on purpose. I have to cancel a job and piss my boss off because you told me you were going to go get the kids which I wouldn't have minded but I counted on you. So I didn't make alternate plans. 


The one night that your parents left town and we got into the argument and we both actually call each other a name which was pretty out of character for us butt you know what you actually handled that the right way that night at least for that night. We fought but then at least you came down and lay down next to me because we were both wrong and we said what we said and that's what couples do you fight and you make up and you move on. Did you really think I was going to leave you really?


When did I ever leave. I'm not the one that went and slept in the car. It's just so messed up that you always dictated the terms when we were fighting or upset you could just not answer your phone at your apartment or you could just say I don't want to break up or you could just come back to me when it was convenient but when have I ever had the same rights? Never.  You hang up on me over the stupid car wash place but then you come home and you don't want to talk about it you just tell me to come in the room and have sex so that I'll go to Elena's house with you. 


You just didn't want to deal with anything. So I hope you find that person that doesn't mind when you have arguments when you realize that he has faults to six months in and you start to treat him the same way and you lose all those feelings that your  allowing to drive all of your decisions . One person is never enough for you.



I'm tired of crying I'm going to go cry by myself I'm sick of this and it's time I just get away and I don't need any more updates on anything or any more questions put it in the mail if you need something resolved and I will resolve it and everything else that I said I would take care of I will


I'm not contacting you ever again I'm sorry it's not worth the pain.


Sorry this is inconsistent with my last 2 emails but this is going to end up killing me and I can't deal with it any longer.


Have a good life.  


You don't have to tell me never contact you again I got it don't worry about it I said everything I had to say.









Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S® 6, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

[jessedsickabouther]

I think we all know the truth deep down that it never feels like closure because we'd have been conditioned to think they could always come back at any time forever and they're so deeply freaking embedded into our soul but as far as having said everything that I could possibly say yes now I at least got it out I can't guarantee that she read it which is why I never said anything but this could have taken place in about a 10 to 15-minute conversation instead of a psycho email that I senthought

But generally right now I do feel a little bit better

[jessedsickabouther]

Well... .I think that should effectively cease the annoying contacts at this point for a very long time if not forever

I'm guessing that this just has no effect on these people whatsoever? 

I got her really worked up today.  It was fun ... I can't lie

[iluminati]

You know what?

That's perfectly fine.

You have a right to your feelings.  And you didn't disrespect her.

So now what?

[Frustratedbloke]

I did an email today too, mine was a lot shorter I must admit, but similar thing, I called her out on her bad behaviour, but said she had good points that I wish I could isolate from the rest of the madness that doesn't even add up.

From what I have read, she'll stop reading at the first part that makes her really uncomfortable about herself. So probably about two lines in, you lost her. Like you said, it's not for her, it's for you.

Sometimes we just need to put a bullet in old yellow and move on. An email can be the best way to achieve that.

[jessedsickabouther]

I guess it just depends on whether or not curiosity gets the better of her.

Um you asked me now what? Nothing. This isn't even a person I'm sorry.

I left out the part in the email that the morning of the time I caught her cheating she was texting me from work that she was going to cut herself. And this is a girl with a government clearance

It's all just a waste of time. I took this route because clearly I was never going to get to speak.

I think this is the end of the road for both of us I'm not going to say anything else and I will be shocked if I ever hear anything from her again. And really at this point I might just tell her to go you know what. I'm done with all this no contact and hiding in keeping all my feelings in. Why?

I didn't really do anything that bad so.

Reading my own emails a few times and realizing that the person on the other end still doesn't even give a crap at all has started to make me hate her. Something I didn't think I would ever feel. But read the email what would you think if you were me?

I've had two other girls tell me that she's absolutely sick and these aren't people trying to sleep with me. I told them some of the other things and they said that the girl is just crazy. I actually told these girls about her just in the first 10 days that I met her and both of them told me to get away from her but I didn't listen.

Either way she's 31 and our relationship is the longest relationship she's ever been in and that was only 8 months. She looks for married man or engaged men. Apparently the truth is she's a cheater which I can't even still wrap my head around. I mean she can't even mail a freaking envelope to my house I mean are you kidding me? Who put a blank envelope in the mail and doesn't take anything like the adhesive off to seal it up and why are you even leaving it on the counter if you didn't put anything in it but you've already addressed it and put a stamp on it and everything? I mean I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt that this wasn't intentional but it just forced me to have to contact her again but I'm just getting the document that I actually freaking needed in the first place.

I'm sorry but this is just bat s crazy

[jessedsickabouther]

Every interaction that I have had has left me scratching my head lately. Every single thing seems to have two different meanings or you can't figure anything out. Most guys even though she's cute I guess don't stick around for very long so clearly they saw or see what I never did but that now I'm somehow seeing.

The only thing left I would care about is to get a phone call at some point which would probably be months away now after this day of me pretty much ripping her apart. And her telling me that I was right about everything because she has no one to turn to. And at that point I would tell her yeah you know what I was right and I don't care anymore leave me alone. 3 months is plenty to cry about somebody especially if the person actually treated you well but it's way too long for somebody to treat you like this at the end.

It was so funny at the end of the text exchange before I sent the email because I pleaded with her to tell me not to contact her ever again just daring her to say it one time and even when I'm pissing her off she won't do it. She has controlled me and manipulated me for almost a year now. And I'm done with her being in charge of me and treating me this way. Trust me in a normal healthy relationship if a girl doesn't want you to talk to her again or you're bothering her she will say yes it's over move on I really don't want you contacting me any further that's the end please. And I was begging her to say it again well I shouldn't say to say it again but to be very specific. Honestly know what she will probably contact me about the car again. Probably in the next couple of days and at this point I don't even care what she does.

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just by sending the stupid email. And my gut tells me that she will not completely delete it. Normally in the past I've sent emails like about emotional stuff and she did state in a reply that she heard everything that I said so if past is an indicator of an there's a good chance that she read it

Honestly it's time for me to move on I mean this is just a waste of time. Everybody is in a different stage right now on here some people are devastated some people have all moved on some people are hoping for contact some people just don't know what they want. I used to be the one devastated butt I'm not devastated anymore. Why should I care about this person really?

I mean if you want to be honest why do any of us care anymore if these people are BPD it was all a joke it was all an act and we've all been manipulated it's never genuine. If you don't believe that then we would have plenty of ways to work through things and some of them would turn into good relationships so its all Bs. We have a staying board on the site but honestly why?

I've scoured the internet for two years and I have yet to come up with one story other than I think one success story from steph on here where someone with diagnosed BPD left or cheated and they broke up and came back and had a good relationship. I don't even know anymore because it seems like nobody has a good relationship anymore.

Maybe I'm going to start looking for a Blog on happily married people sharing their stories and focus on something more positive stead of just staying mired in this crap

I mean seriously read my email and this is just an unnecessary part of my life I shouldn't never be typing an email like that to anybody what do you suppose got me to stay even though eight months?

This girl was taking two or three different mood disorder birth control I'm sorry mood disorder pills birth control pills she was going to get allergy shot every single week for a year like for every possible thing. She broke out in hives all over her body when we first met I did take her to the hospital I still don't know why. She has anxiety she has clinical depression since she said she was born. She said she's never felt normal. She cries or sleeps all the time. All I did was try to help and I don't even know what I did to try to help. Maybe just take her out and do stuff.

But honestly it's not fun. It wasn't fun at all I mean I'd be driving around at work the last few hours of the day as I'm on the road all the time and everyday she waits until Rush Hour hit and I'm freaking texting and driving about some stupid idiotic thing and I'm telling her stop doing this every day wait till I get home. I mean it's always something that could have waited and it's never just an easy one or two word answer. Every night I get home she was in bed by 8:30 quarter to 9. She was never happy at all no matter what I mean there would be these times when she would get excited to see me and everything and I guess I thought by the way she hung all over me that she really loved me so imagine my surprise when I found out she was out on a date.

It just was too much just to see somebody always depressed. I mean she did things with her life that made no sense. She moves here she knows one person her girlfriend and it's her only friend really that I've ever heard about. And she moves away from the city where her brother is just about ready to have a baby. And all she did every day was be sad about missing the baby I don't even know why she came here. It doesn't make any sense she had no reason to be here at all.

And then today to say to me in a text when I don't want to keep the car anymore because quite frankly it just gives me bad memories of her even though I'm better off to keep the stupid car but she says to me your true colors showing finally and I'm thinking I met you a year ago and you're going to say that to me for the first time ever when you're a liar a thief a cheater and I could go down the list. How the hell are my true colors showing after a year? Maybe finally I'm sticking up for myself and not just taking it


Like I said I was really enjoying when he replies had exclamation marks on the end because I seen her text mad a few times and I know I had her blood boiling so that she can see what it feels like for me every day keeping all this in. Maybe she doesn't read the whole email maybe she does but she read the text and she knows she heard enough.

[once removed]

jessed,

i have to ask: why the overreaction to someone who is "not even a person"? how might you describe this email if it came from her?

there is a wounded ego at the heart of this email, which is understandable, the effects of these relationships can be devastating. is this productive? is it helping?

[jessedsickabouther]

I don't understand what you're asking why would this email come from her.?

I don't know that it's my ego that's wounded somebody that I cared about betrayed me so if that's my ego than okay.


And if I say that someone is not a person it's because this is the behavior of a sociopath or psychopath. Which you can split hairs with me if you want but I don't think that's a genuine person.

And honestly yes it is helping I feel much better

I didn't get to go have the conversation where we could both take fault and have a good ending okay. And when she dumped me the first time I just accepted it and I still told her all these kind things and and let her think it was all my fault which I sucked up a lot of my own Pride ok. And then came the hovering right away because she didn't get what she wanted from the other guy. She didn't have to do all that stuff. So you don't have to say that she's a person but I think it's inhumane which means the opposite of Humane and humane is awfully close to the word human. Or a person.

I don't even understand what she's mad about okay. The last 36 hours from the time that she came over knocked on the door and said she was all in to me getting her dinner to her waking up being a completely different person and me being concerned about her and then going to bring her lunch and just giving her a hug and telling her I'm just her friend and not to worry about everything right now to painting me black For No Good Reason how should I feel. Why am I even getting yelled at? I didn't break up with her I didn't do anything that she didn't tell me not to do. She didn't want to talk anymore I left her alone for almost three full months. There was nothing that I could do differently so when you asked me how I would feel to get this email I will turn around and say why would I get an email like this. I shouldn't ever get an email like this because I don't run and hide from people and give people the silent treatment. I act like an adult and I will take things on and I will accept responsibility and if you make a valid case even in the context of a relationship and I will say yes you're right I was not a good boyfriend I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and I understand why you don't want to be together. And there wouldn't be any need for any email

So if I misunderstood your question I'm sorry but I'm just fed up with her

[jessedsickabouther]

And really how should this email makes her feel? All I've done is think about her feelings okay. All this website is this people trying to care about somebody and they can't make any sense of it okay. You don't accidentally come across a BPD website. I was dating a different girl hence the screen name that I have over two years ago and it was absolutely nuts and this girl have me convinced that every single thing was my fault but I just didn't think it was possible and I started looking up these behaviors and found the diagnosis. I got 43 years of my life and never even heard of something like this. So I'm sorry but right now I don't care how this email makes her feel at all. I don't think it makes her care and quite frankly if I treated somebody like crap then I deserved an email like this somebody should call me out.

Don't tell me in the course of a breakup that you're not sure if you're in love and then ask me if you can come back if you realize you made a mistake and then beg me for friendship and tell me how much I mean to you and how important I am in your life and how much I've loved you and cared about you and then promise me the moon the stars and the Sun and then get upset that you have to get an email like this a few months later when those are not words of somebody that wants to break up with you or that you've been a bad boyfriend. I mean I was actually told that maybe she didn't do enough basically dating and sleeping around when she was younger so why not just throw away something that was pretty good. By the way most of the stuff that she asked for and required a lot of time effort and money maybe not so much money but you know.

I don't like doing this I don't like writing emails like this I didn't want to upset her or hurt her feelings but there's no talking to her anymore. And it's a horrible form of abuse to sit here and ignore me and not answer my questions I'm sorry. If I was abusive or violent or you know cheating or lying fine but I didn't none of those things.

Honestly I'm just sick and tired of talking about it I posted this because I honestly thought that other people you are frustrated could see what I typed in probably make some people feel good to know that it was actually sent and then someone with BPD might actually have to hear something they don't like.

I got it out by sending it to her I chose to post it here just in case hearing the story resonated with anyone else and made them feel better in any way or maybe gave them an idea of what they could do to help themselves to feel better

[once removed]

i get it jessed, i do. youre hurting. you wanted to say your piece.

I don't like doing this I don't like writing emails like this I didn't want to upset her or hurt her feelings but there's no talking to her anymore. And it's a horrible form of abuse to sit here and ignore me and not answer my questions I'm sorry. If I was abusive or violent or you know cheating or lying fine but I didn't none of those things.

I got it out by sending it to her I chose to post it here just in case hearing the story resonated with anyone else and made them feel better in any way or maybe gave them an idea of what they could do to help themselves to feel better

it sucks to be ignored. when i refer to a wounded ego, im not calling you some sort of cocky guy. im suggesting that youre hurt in a way that shakes you to your very core, like, i think, the majority of us. for example, i consciously fancy an independent partner, but having one who was so very dependent on me wind up coldly discarding me, was a giant wound to my ego.

you say you dont like doing this and didnt want to upset her or hurt her feelings. you also said you got a rise from getting a rise out of her. you also say you dont care how the email makes her feel, that youre not sure of how the email will make her feel, but that she deserves to be called out. these are conflicting feelings. conflicting feelings that im familiar with and empathize with.

from our article on surviving a breakup with a pwBPD:

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... .we will be heard. People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging. When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides. And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment.said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback. This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.



when we are ignored or shut out, which can be incredibly painful, this attitude is a common response.

if theres no talking to her anymore, how does letting her have it aid in your detachment?

[jessedsickabouther]

How did silence aid in it?

Now I KNOW she is a heartless creature.

I found out.  I don't think you read everything. I mean to say it again I only reached out to her because she kept bugging me about something that would seem to only provoke me to talk to her because they didn't make sense otherwise. She had the opportunity she didn't take it


Honestly just stop seriously. I left her alone for three full months and was never going to bother her again so I don't know why you're saying this okay. I've read every piece of literature on the internet at least 50 times each

So she can either delete it but she might have done or she can ignore it or let it get into her subconscious and at some point when she screwing up her life and the next relationship maybe I don't know she might remember it and do something about it. But that might just be my projecting. Regardless I got what I needed to see that she really is just not anything when I thought she was so it proved it to me once and for all to stop idealizing her it was a joke. And again I'm only posting in here so other people see that their joke

[jessedsickabouther]

You know what guys here's how it aids in my Detachment and here's how it can help you too. You know you people that have gone no contact for several months and been hurting and missing the person? And unbeknownst to you they were doing god-knows-what with someone else and that person kicked him to the curb and then all of a sudden you thought that they had feelings for you and that they cared about you because they were so good at convincing you at that time that you went back.

Will you know what I did yesterday I circumvented years of pain and I messed up that process because I called her out on my terms in the middle of whatever she's doing to give her an opportunity to see what she would do. If you don't think that I think that if I had not sent communication that she would have eventually come after me again well let's just say that that is a good possibility. So what I actually did with distance myself by seeing who she is. This is who she is she's not the person that would have contacted me in another 60 days trying to give me sex and tell me she sorry again I've seen that game and I fell for it

So I highly encourage people to not play the game on their terms. A lot of people here are really doing no contact and on this board with different intentions.

Then they come here and tell us that they broke no contact or their ex came back

How to the story normally end up. They go back and they feel ten times worse and they have to start all over.

I did what I think a healthy person would do in a relationship which is give the person space and see if they contact you I was contacted over stupid things because this person told me from day one that they were stubborn and I have always been the one to go chase them down. But she is exactly the monster just like all of the other ones. She might of been The Quiet One not the Raging type but there is no diff I dated the other type and you know what at least she yelled at me and spoke to me even if she did mess up my life and it's a lot better than being ignored and silent treatment

Silent treatment is considered one of the most cruelest forms of abuse. So I'm not posting to get a lecture. I'm fully aware of they don't listen.

But I assure you that this outcome is much better than many people who went back thinking that the person was being honest with them and if you ask those people who did go back if they wished that they could have traded that for calling them out like I did and being done with it in a day I bet you almost every one of them would have done what I did instead. Unless they just wanted to go back for some sex which I probably just cost myself... . 

[gotbushels]

I'm not judging jessedsickabouther. Sounds like there's plenty of that all over this thread.

I'm just curious about your method that's all.

You had a good summary of what you did. That's in this paragraph where you are justifying what you did. I'm making it clear I'm not saying "right or wrong" okay.

"But I assure you that this outcome is much better than many people who went back thinking that the person was being honest with them and if you ask those people who did go back if they wished that they could have traded that for calling them out like I did and being done with it in a day I bet you almost every one of them would have done what I did instead. Unless they just wanted to go back for some sex which I probably just cost myself... ."

I'm just curious. No harm no foul okay. I'm not patronising you either. Completely neutral. How are you feeling now?

[WoundedBibi]

Well... if you feel better after sending your email, good for you.

How she feels about it is basically irrelevant. But since you have read about BPD you know she might retaliate. So you'll have to be willing to take the consequences of sending your email.

Still the question remains: what now? How are you going to heal yourself to get past this incredible amount of anger and how are you going to heal yourself so you don't end up in another BPD relationship? Or is this email it and now you can move on without any issues in the future?

About being on this website. Yes, I am here to understand. To understand about how BPD works. About what I can and cannot expect from someone with BPD. How to recognise it so I can steer clear whenever I meet another BPD person. I'm here to understand me. Why I let this happen to me. Or better yet why I subconsciously sought this guy out. I'm here to learn. To grow. To become a happier person with a better understanding of what love really is. Healthy love. Not the "WOW you complete me!" kind of bs we are fed every day via tv or music or romance novels or fairy tales. Or people with BPD.

I'm not here to win back my ex. I have chosen NC because it is healthier for me. Healthier not to have him in my life as a person and healthier because he would retaliate even more if I tried to contact him. I'm not doing the NC thing to give him space. I'm doing it to give me space. I'm not on this site because I care about him. I'm here because I care about me. I'm not here because I want something from him. I'm here because I want something from and for me. And I think a lot of the people on this site are here for those reasons too. They might sometimes buckle and break NC because growing isn't a straight forward thing, and letting go comes with ups and downs. But for me (and most here IMHO) it is about healing and helping eachother to heal by giving support and advise and guidance.

[jessedsickabouther]

You know how I feel right now. ... subject to change. .is she had the nerve via text to say " now your true colors have come out " because I did not really want to keep this car just because of wanting nothing to do with her. Then all I can think is you get upset and you punish me and you go bang another guy rather than talk to me. What about your true colors. What I feel is utter frustration. With other people are definitely wrong and they don't take any responsibility. Now that would be bad enough what she did but she moved out and then put me through a week of trying to make it up supposedly and then disappears with no warning

Then basically won't speak

And I have to just sit on this for months.

Honestly I could write another email just as long now that I've spent all night thinking about it. At this point there's nothing else I can do but just let it go. Maybe my methods haven't been that thought out but I've tried everything else.

My problem is I don't want to believe that BPD exist and that's just the truth

[jessedsickabouther]

I took it from approaching it backwards. Simply put she has been escalating ridiculous contact for 3 months. But not specifically saying that she wanted to talk or that she wanted to do anything okay. Now with all that I know about this disorder the silence would have probably got the better of her combined with somebody getting sick of her or being lonely and remembering how much I love her. At some point that would have intersected into a meeting or a phone call. And I would have been pining away for her and I would have ended up spending a night making love to her and then getting myself really hurt within a couple weeks when she realized again that she couldn't do it anymore. And then could I sent that email because that's what I would have felt like doing I would have been very very very very angry when I'm only just very angry right now.

So the bottom line is again approaching it backwards what was the final result going to be marriage and her realizing she loves me and staying with me for the rest of my life?

At least I went out on my terms so to speak as much as I was permitted by somebody that has controlled everything

[jessedsickabouther]

I guess one question I have for anybody that would answer it it was the email that bad that she should even want to retaliate? I wasn't calling our names I said a lot of my feelings in the email. So I don't think it was that bad. But feel free to tell me how it sounds

[jessedsickabouther]

By the way I sent a nice email first. I know it sounds crazy but I had saved some stuff that I had just written for myself. And I sent the nice one and then I sent the one that's listed above. Because I just wanted to get all my thoughts out of my head and I made up my mind that I was done with this situation so I figured yesterday was the day to do it all. And again I wasn't even planning on doing this but something about receiving that envelope in the mail and again just "oops" ... .that really set me off. Just once again no explanation that makes any sense and just drag this out for another week of me waiting to get the stupid paper. I'm sitting there wondering if she ever even actually went and did it.

I'm well aware that I have many issues the biggest one being that I have this need for people to understand a few things to make sense. I guess I should be dating men

[jessedsickabouther]

 I have not edited it. You won't talk so I'm sending everything now so I can have my own closure since u refuse to deal with me.





A,


I really did not want to be bothering you in any way. I don't want to get in any trouble and I don't want to get anyone upset with me.


I don't understand what is going on OK please. From the beginning of the time I met you you always would say that you didn't know if you needed to have these feelings in order to be in love. I remember driving around on route with you in the car and you being so unsure and I told you to do what you wanted but that I didn't see it the same way


I fell in love with you okay. And that's not debatable fact. I cared for you everyday. That's why I went to the hospital with you. That's why I pushed for you to move in with me because I wanted to be with you. That's why I took your parents downtown and show them around even when you were starting to be angry at me all the time. And it's why I even showed up at the therapy appointment and SAT in the lobby after everything that has already happened.


I didn't ask for this. I didn't leave you. We had a fight one night and you've never looked at me the same. And I spent 3 full months trying to get over everything and move on. When just weeks before we were looking at places and cars and we had talked about so many other things


I am NOT mad okay. I don't care about wrong or right at this point. I don't care what you did you being right doesn't make me wrong or you being good doesn't make me bad. I will never be defined by what others think of me


In my life I will say stupid things and I will do stupid things and then I will be very loving and I will be a good person and I don't try to hurt people. I work very hard for myself to make sure that you knew that I would not lie to you so that you could trust me. When I am describing myself I am NOT automatically implying the opposite is true of you


The bottom line is this and the point of the email is this. You haven't come back I had hoped that you would come back and talk to me and I left you alone. In the past 3 months you have used all the plenty  points on my card and I did not know why. Because if you want any money or anything at all you should know that for everything that you did that you can pick up the phone and ask me and I will do it for you. If you choose to run away or not love me or want to be with somebody else I can't do anything about that but its not going to make me hate you. And if you are happy with someone else then I don't understand the point of anything that you're doing


You then change the username and password on the account that you say that you're worried about your credit. How can I protect your credit if you trying to keep me out of it. Then I send you the money that doesn't seem to make you happy. You telling me for so many days that you wanted to be friends and anytime I try to be nice to you you don't even acknowledge anything at all and I feel like you hate my guts.


I try to take the legal responsibility for the phone I saved all of your personal stuff instead of being angry and throwing it away I mailed it back to you.


Now you won't even talk to me about the vehicle which I'm trying to remove from your responsibility as well. I mean I would not go over and leave the car at your house and just refused to talk to you or make a payment or sign the title over to you if you wanted which I can do if you want but I didn't think you wanted the car.


Look I know that things are tough for you and that maybe I was not a very good boyfriend at the time ok. I accept that. I tell everybody that you were really good girlfriend. So I have taken a lot of this responsibility. But if you think that it was all my fault and you have all the answers to be with someone else that makes you happier than don't you think you should let this last thing go and just take care of it and I will send you some money for a while because you paid for so many things like the towing on my vehicle. And that last weekend that you were living with me I was supposed to give you a lot of money anyway. Unfortunately you moved out with no notice and I've had to struggle to work a lot of hours to save up some money and I'm getting to a better place and I'm making some changes and I want to do this to make it right.



I can't tell you what to do OK but I never stopped caring about you. I'm not your dad I'm not your birth mother I don't know what's going on but I'm me and I've always cared for you always. No matter what you might think its not true. You can't rewrite the facts and change them. When I came over to your house that day in May when you didn't go to work and you rode around with me I didn't see you is just some girl on a dating site to bang for a little bit and I care about I just care about you as a person and was willing to be your friend.


You know if not to bring her up but if J showed up in my kids life they wouldn't even look at her butt my kids would come and give you a hug and miss you. Because of who you were. That's important to me.


I'm not saying I could fix everything or that you even care to I'm sure that you have moved on I have no doubt but I'm hoping that you get to this place where you can just let everything go and stop hating me because I feel like you hate me and it hurts me.


If you want to be out of my life completely release the title to me and I will leave you alone and if you don't want to be out and you want to be on this car then you need to figure out how you're going to be in my life on whatever schedule that makes you comfortable.


I may not be perfect but I deserve a little bit more consideration in my opinion. It's hard for me to move forward to but if you're not going to do anything you have to let me go. If something changes in the future and you want to reach out to me you can take your chances.


But for now unless you're planning on coming over and sitting down on the couch and talking to me please resolve the issue because I can't convince you apparently all these things I'm saying are true


If you want butterflies and Prince Charming and all of that stuff that's fine I respect your desires. I could never share you okay and that's the bottom line is I could never share you with someone and I know that I care so much because ultimately I want you to be happy. Maybe that doesn't make any sense to you but that's how I feel in my heart


Hopefully you figure out what it is that you want to do and you let me know


Hugs

M


I just want to add something in closing. I could never hate you okay. The only way that I would ever hate you is this you did something like contact the police and lie about me. Because you know that I could never hurt you that I never would. You know that I would never push for sex from you. That I always wanted you to feel comfortable and you always made me feel comfortable


The things that are hard for me is looking at the calendar and seeing that what would have been our one year anniversary is coming up and realizing that I'm not going to have you to go to mini golf and watch you get excited when you get a hole in one or beat me. That I'm not going to get to see you go down the tubes at Massanutten. Or ride on the roller coaster with you at Hershey Park.


I'm trying to deal with acceptance that I don't have you in my life anymore so if you think that I don't want a connection to you its not true because I kept the phone and I kept your stuff and I kept the car hoping that you would want to talk to me again. Even if it sounds ridiculous. With the whole probation thing I can't just show up at your place tell you whats on my mind. And I haven't seen any indication that you wanted to hear it anyway


I'm the one who had to accept being replaced and you not wanting anything to do with me so again I never asked for this but if you care about me at all then even you know you gotta resolve this issue. The connection isn't on that piece of paper A the connection is in our hearts for better or worse not that we we're married but it doesn't go away so you don't have to have legal ties to me. I didn't forget you I'm not going to forget you. Maybe right now having me around isn't good for either of us I don't know but there might come a day when you will wish that I was there.



So I'm trying to do the right thing okay that's all it is I'm just trying to do the right thing. If something happens to me like I got sick or I died you would be responsible for the car. I don't want you to have any more stress or responsibility I already feel bad enough I didn't understand what you were going through when we were together and I didn't help



I don't see the point of what more I can say you get the idea whether or not you ever change back and  want to make the outcome any different is up to you.


I'm not getting involved anyway when there is any other men around so I'm sure it's a moot point.


Just think about everything I said and take your time and you'll figure out what to do and I guess if you don't want to get off the car then we can just pretend that we are married and you just haven't come home in months okay and Ill share a car with you.


I won't email again so just like I left you alone for 3 months I will leave you alone just please please for everything that I hold special in my heart don't do anything foolish to mess with my life it's already hard enough because I would never do that to you I would help you any way that I could as your friend


Thank you.  

[jessedsickabouther]

This was the first one.  She got 2 yesterday. 

[jessedsickabouther]

I just read both of them over again.  I still think it was the right thing to do. I'm absolutely certain that if they were even read that they will have no effect on her.  She had to justify a reason to leave in the first place.  Her inner narrative.  Very first conversation we ever had was about her being adopted and brought to USA.  She told me she had her birth mother track her down.  She said she didn't care about her at all. She has a wonderful mom. 

But she sets herself up to sabotage from the beginning.  In all her choices.  Like she can't help it.  And the reality is that I've been talking to what I find to be very healthy women in the past week and I'm just as uncomfortable and she probably feels with things in her own head

I just don't feel like I belong when I'm talking to a normal call Healthy woman that doesn't need anything from me. Obviously I know this is a problem and I know where it comes from and I've done this my whole life

All of us here I would dare say feel good in these relationships in the beginning because of the dynamic.

It doesn't seem like a very healthy person person creates the same feelings for someone like myself and maybe others on here.

BPD relationships feel really good for a while.

I hope that somehow I start to change my behaviour and learn to be comfortable around healthy people.

I dated another one when I was 23 and probably because we've maintained a friendship after several breakups I thought that maybe I can do this with her. But I guess that girl from my past put in a lot more effort.

At this point I have to just let it go and walk away from it. And just accept it for what it is.

Hope was the last to die.  And I have no more hope

[WoundedBibi]

It doesn't really matter how the emails sound to me or any other NON. Nobody can look into her head and know how the emails come across to her.

But I do know generally speaking people with BPD don't want to hear anything they have done is wrong, they have hurt someone etc. They can't handle that. It feels life threatening to them, the thought alone causes excrusiating mental pain for them and makes them do impulsive things to get rid of that pain again. And from experience I can say the impulsive stuff they do after they get an email can be extremely hurtful. And because they read negative stuff in everything, even the nicest most loving email can be interpreted by a pwBPD as a negative one in which they are being 'attacked'. That's why I don't believe in sending "one last email" or letter. The relief you feel can be really shortlived if it blows up in your face like it did for me. For you I hope your ex is different and she just goes on with her life and never contacts or bothers you again.

[WoundedBibi]

Accept BPD is a real illness. One that is very hard to cure, if that.

Accept a relationship with a pwBPD will feel the most awesome ever at first. And the worst ever after the first phase.

Then make your choice: either work on your issues to prevent another BPD relationship/ make yourself 'more attractive' mentally to a NON/ make a NON attractive for you/ generally be a happier person with or without a relationship, or don't put the work in and accept every relationship you will have will probably be with a BPD or otherwise troubled person. Or don't put the work in and never have a relationship again. Also a choice you can make.