What do I do when he contacts me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,

So I am over the one week mark of boyfriend raging and breaking up with me, for the umpteenth time. As I've written this follows a pattern. In another week or so, up to a few months, he will write me an apology letter or email.

I am noting here over time the heat of these have declined: originally it was begging phone calls, and handwritten letters, then begging emails, then apology emails, and with longer and longer periods of time before he acted. By this I mean he has scaled down from going full-bore apology immediately and asking to try again to a more muted apology where I initiate. That's hard for me to admit.

I am expecting soon that boyfriend will send me an email. He will say sorry for his most recent explosion and break up. He will offer a lot of "insights" into his behavior. He will say some sincere things, but no matter how sincere everything circles back to him. And things will be left in my court.

I don't know what I will do. I don't want to over plan this, especially since I don't trust myself anymore. But I also don't want to put this out of mind and get blindsided by it. I want to plan for this and have an idea how to react.

Help?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all,

So I am over the one week mark of boyfriend raging and breaking up with me, for the umpteenth time. As I've written this follows a pattern. In another week or so, up to a few months, he will write me an apology letter or email.

I am noting here over time the heat of these have declined: originally it was begging phone calls, and handwritten letters, then begging emails, then apology emails, and with longer and longer periods of time before he acted. By this I mean he has scaled down from going full-bore apology immediately and asking to try again to a more muted apology where I initiate. That's hard for me to admit.

I am expecting soon that boyfriend will send me an email. He will say sorry for his most recent explosion and break up. He will offer a lot of "insights" into his behavior. He will say some sincere things, but no matter how sincere everything circles back to him. And things will be left in my court.

I don't know what I will do. I don't want to over plan this, especially since I don't trust myself anymore. But I also don't want to put this out of mind and get blindsided by it. I want to plan for this and have an idea how to react.

Help?

[formflier]

 

Wonderful post and question. 

Instead of saying you don't want to over-plan it, I would say that you need to focus on and understand the principles of the response you want to have so that without much thinking, you can apply those principles to whatever he sends your way.

You obviously care for the guy and want some kind of a future.


1.  So, don't reject him.

2.  Don't pull him in either.

I'm a fan of placing choices back in his court.

Perhaps.

Instead of sharing insight with you, he should share it with a T.   Perhaps he should share it with a couples counselor as well.

You value him and your r/s enough that you will offer him that choice, but alas you have MADE the choice that you will sheild your family from this type of behavior until these "insights" are thoroughly vetted and dealt with.

Not a demand on your part.  A choice.

He has choices, you have choices.

FF

[Notwendy]

I will take a different approach. Yes, you care for him, but this- exactly what you see, is your future if you stay with him. You have already gone the route of asking him to make changes in his life. The two of you are not married and you do not have children together. In fact, your children don't like him. You can, if you wish, choose to let this relationship go, heal, and move on with your life.

It isn't rejecting him. It is choosing something different for yourself. You can choose what you think it is best for you.

Both FF's and my options are your choices to make. These choices though are individual and made in consideration of  other circumstances, such as marriage, children, living situations.

You have already decided that you don't want him to move in with you. Your children have as well. Could you keep working on this relationship? Sure if you wish, but you are choosing- at this moment- to have more of the same. Something different is scary, but it is also a chance for a different future for you.

So, if he contacts you. Sometimes being honest is hard, but the kindest. Think of this from your perspective. Don't make it about him. If you focus on him, you are not focusing on you. What you say about him could be construed as rejection. Don't use the word " you". Think of what you need. "I need time" "I need space" " I need some time apart from a relationship". These words do feel hurtful,  but if you mean them, then say them. You may want to see him, then say this too. But sit down and write your feelings. You may be ambivalent. This is something that would be good to work out with a T.

[formflier]

HurtinNW,

I'm a stayer at heart.  So, most of my advice and thinking is geared towards trying to get something to work out.

You have feelings for this guy and I would hope there is a way to work things out.

That being said.

I also approach these situations as if I was talking to one of my daughters.  My advice to them would be to set your bar high then step back and see if a man is interested in jumping over that bar to get to you.  That you are worth it, you are precious and that your children are precious as well. 

I would say that like it or not, you are the gatekeeper to your heart and the hearts of your children and that duty trumps feelings you may have for a guy.

I'm not saying punt him, I'm saying to clearly communicate what your heart and those of your children are worth.  Step back and see if a man fits the bill.  If a man fits that bill, then let your heart in on the action and see if there is a romantic connection.

The most likely truth is exactly as Notwend laid out.  What you see is what you get.  You and your kids have voted several times. 

Men can change and will change.  Adding BPDish stuff to the mix makes that soo much harder.

The ONLY role that you have in the CHANCE for your boyfriend to change is to clearly lay out the pathway to your heart and to those of your children.  He may chose to walk that path or go on his own way.

Think about boundaries.  You have made your choice, he and others should respect that choice.

Please respect and honor his choice, whatever that may be. 

You are doing well to be thinking this stuff through.  Keep up the good and hard work that you are doing.

FF

[HurtinNW]

Thank you notwendy and FF,

This is such a hard time for me. I am trying to examine why I have been engaged in this relationship for so long, at such cost to myself and my kids. I'm struggling with the pain, grief, guilt and anger around my own choices, and trying to get insight into myself.

I know the idea of letting go of this relationship terrifies me. I have so many fears and pain around that. On the inventory board I've been working through how much this relationship has replicated my relationship with my BPD mother, and so emotionally I feel all of four years old. Panicked, afraid, overwhelmed.

A few quick questions: FF, when you say set the path clearly, how would you propose doing that? Say I decide I will reengage with him if he is employed and has made significant change in addressing his anger and other issues. Do I just say it like that?

notwendy: I like the idea of saying I need space, or I need time, because that doesn't feel like I am slamming the door shut. When I do that I panic. I'm also worried that having any contact with him will cause me to backslide into an unhealthy relationship. That has happened before: I've been committed to detaching and see him and reengage. I don't have much faith in myself around this issue because I have been so wishy-washy.

Thank you for letting me try and sort this out.

[formflier]

I would make it a bit more broad than that. 

"I will let a man into my heart that, (start filling in the blanks)"

Stay away from telling him what he has to do, and especially what he has not done.  Honestly this is much more for you than for him.

"I deserve (and my kids) and man that (fill in the blank)."

Provider, stable, sober, kind etc etc.

Perhaps what this r/s is supposed to show you is what to stay away from.  You touched the burner on the stove and got burned and now will stay away from (fill in the blank) kind of people.  Angry, flighty, emotional (you fill this and the other blanks in).

Once you have the blanks filled in, then we can help you with how to "deliver" it or "map the road to your heart".

Last thought:  A lot of this type of thing is beyond the scope of these boards and is into T territory.  Perhaps we can help you find the questions to work on with a T, but the actual work is so intimate, emotional, etc etc that it's nearly impossible to do in this format.

Perhaps if some of these questions are really emotional for you, that is the indication to go work through that with a T.

Thoughts?

FF

[HurtinNW]

Thanks FF

When you wrote "duty trumps feelings" in regard to my duty to my kids and myself, that really hit me. If I didn't have my kids I think I would be in far worse shape. I do have a duty to my kids, and a profound love for them. I can let that help guide me.

I like the idea of thinking of it the way you propose. You know, I have never set standards like that. That tells me something.

Right now I am on a super tight budget and can't really afford therapy. I need to look into any free or low cost options. I have a significant trauma history and have found I need to be careful what kind of therapist I choose. I need someone experienced with trauma and PTSD.

I will start thinking about this, what I deserve and my kids deserve.

[formflier]

I will start thinking about this, what I deserve and my kids deserve.

Can you switch it a bit, and say "worth" instead of deserve. 

I'm a words guy, and I may have used deserve before, I'll have to go look.

Deserve can be self centered (IMO) whereas "worth" tends to promote self esteem.

I know, a bunch out there are eye rolling at FF splitting hairs again,    

FF

[HurtinNW]

I have no problem at all saying what my kids deserve and are worth. They are worth having a stepdad who is a good male role model. Worth having a father figure who is mature, kind and patient. A man who is responsible and a decent provider. A man who treats their mother with respect.

What am I worth? That's a struggle. I am okay saying "I want" but saying what I am worth or deserve is much harder.

Right now I am starting with "I am worth being a good mom," "I am worth being loved by my kids," "I am worth not being in pain," and "I am worth not being treated like doo-doo even if part of me thinks I deserve it."

This is a good exercise for me. From now on when I find myself ruminating about him I will use this as one of the tools to distract me.

[Grey Kitty]

I saw some of your latest posts on the P.I. board... .and maybe you want to try this one on:

"I am worth healing the childhood traumas that my BF triggers."

If you believe re-connecting with your BF will interfere with your healing today, you need more time.

[HurtinNW]

I saw some of your latest posts on the P.I. board... .and maybe you want to try this one on:

"I am worth healing the childhood traumas that my BF triggers."

If you believe re-connecting with your BF will interfere with your healing today, you need more time.

I should have that embroidered on a pillow, grey kitty. 

Yes, I need time.

[Cat Familiar]

I have no problem at all saying what my kids deserve and are worth. They are worth having a stepdad who is a good male role model. Worth having a father figure who is mature, kind and patient. A man who is responsible and a decent provider. A man who treats their mother with respect.

I know that it's hard for me to advocate for myself at times when I think I'm being "selfish" or "self absorbed"--those great terms that others have used so successfully to control me over the years.

Maybe you can find your trigger words, the ones that make you feel that you deserve to be treated poorly, and watch for them and disempower them.

In the meantime, you can always use the perspective of your kids and remember you want: A man who treats their mother with respect.

[formflier]

In the meantime, you can always use the perspective of your kids and remember you want: A man who treats their mother with respect.

That's really the heart of a lot of the issues we have with pwBPD, they fly off the handle and treat nons with disrespect, then the shame and other issues prevent them from making a proper repair.

We all have booboos, I certainly have.  It's not the booboos we make in life that define us, it's how we go about "cleaning up" milk we have spilled.

FF

[HurtinNW]

In the meantime, you can always use the perspective of your kids and remember you want: A man who treats their mother with respect.

That's really the heart of a lot of the issues we have with pwBPD... .they fly off the handle and treat nons with disrespect, then the shame and other issues prevent them from making a proper repair.

We all have booboos, I certainly have.  It's not the booboos we make in life that define us, it's how we go about "cleaning up" milk we have spilled.

FF

This is my biggest challenge with BPD. I can accept people with challenges. I adopted three special needs kids, after all. But what I cannot handle is someone who makes a mistake and cannot own it and try to fix it.

I know as a parent it is so critical to own our actions and make repairs. I always apologize to my kids and try to fix my mistakes. My kids do the same. My oldest daughter has OCD and FASD and learning challenges, and still when she is cranky she will name it, say sorry, and look for a way to repair.

I just don't understand why that is so hard to do. I get the intellectual reasons why someone with BPD doesn't do it, but I have trouble getting it in an emotional way. If I wasn't able to make repairs I think I would die inside.

[formflier]

Has something to do with shame and feelings equals facts.


FF