Put my hand on that proverbial stove again...

[anothercasualty]

My mom always told me I was that kid that required the pain more than once before I would learn that something had painful consequences. Apparently I have kept that trait well into adulthood and relationships.

Once again, she reached out with the "I miss my best friend" speech. I fell for it. We started hanging out again. She told me that she was dreaming of a future with someone. She intimated that person was me, but never said it out loud. Well, a couple of weeks down the road and I decide to figure out "what the heck are we doing". The answer? She doesn't know but she can't do a relationship right now. Even if she could, there are differences that are so great that she is not sure that we could survive as a couple. I was blown away, even though I shouldn't be. She had not brought up these differences until very recently even though we had been together for a year. The differences feel made up to me. They aren't "core" things.

I have nothing to add to the discourse that goes on here daily other than to say, here I am again. Lesson learned (I hope). Hoping that I can keep my hand off the stove, go NC, and find peace to be ready for the next stage of my life.

Insanity=doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Based on that definition, I am clearly insane!

Why does she want to maintain "friendship" so bad even though it detracts from the long-term good? How do you deal with the abandonment/engulfment conundrum?

Just looking for some beatings/direction here.

[Frustratedbloke]

If you find out let me know. Mine was determined to keep me as a friend, mainly because I could help her, stave off the boredom, I don't know why... .

It's not fair, but if you get in to the dynamic just know she'll drop you on your head as soon as something shiny and new comes along, probably won't even give you a reason, and then return like a cat who has been out for the night when it goes wrong.

When it gets like this I think we're the only ones who can stop it. I did and it feels better. It hurts because they're not all bad, but you can devote that mental energy they sap to more useful things and people.

[Frustratedbloke]

I forgot this. Corey Wayne has a phrase, you become their 'break glass in case of emergency dude', just when they got nothing else going on.

We all deserve better than that, especially considering their toxic drama and the endless demands.

[WoundedBibi]

Do you learn things "the hard way" with everything? Or just with people?

Well, if you're friends I suppose she can maintain (for herself) she isn't a bad person.

My ex did the same. Trying to get me back into a relationship and then saying he could only offer friendship. But then flirting with me non-stop when we were supposed to be just friends. I don't know how to deal with the abandonment/engulfment conundrum at all. Either a guy is my friend, or my guy but not one thing one minute and another the next. So NC with him is best for me. Makes it much clearer.

[Frank88]

Anothercasualty: I have this belief that there are two types of us on this board.  One group are the innocents so to say, the ones that just got into a relationship with someone, thinking that things would be ok.  Then there is the group of us that have always had to put our fingers on the stove to see what would happen.  Intuitively we knew we were taking dangerous steps from the start, and we knew when we kept getting pulled back in that it was dangerous, but we did it anyways.  I've had those traits my entire life and plan to keep them.  We just need to look a little more before we leap.  Note: there probably is a third group on here who are sociopaths/narccisists/borderlines themselves, but hopefully that group is small. 

[anothercasualty]

If you find out let me know. Mine was determined to keep me as a friend, mainly because I could help her, stave off the boredom, I don't know why... .

It's not fair, but if you get in to the dynamic just know she'll drop you on your head as soon as something shiny and new comes along, probably won't even give you a reason, and then return like a cat who has been out for the night when it goes wrong.

When it gets like this I think we're the only ones who can stop it. I did and it feels better. It hurts because they're not all bad, but you can devote that mental energy they sap to more useful things and people.

I really do feel like she keeps me around as a distraction. That was how the relationship started. She had free time in the summer and nothing going on and it just built from there. When her kids are gone and she has nothing else going on, she seems to reach out harder to me.

I am the only one that can stop it. I know that. I feel like a fool for not having the strength to let go and leave it. You are right, she is not a bad person but she can behave badly.

[anothercasualty]

Do you learn things "the hard way" with everything? Or just with people?

I have learned almost everything the hard way. My parents weren't there to show me the ropes, so I figured it out on my own throughout. That trait has worked wonderfully in my work life, not so much in my personal life.

This is the first relationship (other than my 10 year marriage) where I have struggled to walk away cleanly. Even the divorce was easier than this though. (She and I are still friends and co-parent very well.)

I hear what I want to hear apparently. Anything that sounds like "I have improved" makes me think we have a chance. I really should be smarter than that.

[anothercasualty]

Anothercasualty: I have this belief that there are two types of us on this board.  One group are the innocents so to say, the ones that just got into a relationship with someone, thinking that things would be ok.  Then there is the group of us that have always had to put our fingers on the stove to see what would happen.  Intuitively we knew we were taking dangerous steps from the start, and we knew when we kept getting pulled back in that it was dangerous, but we did it anyways.  I've had those traits my entire life and plan to keep them.  We just need to look a little more before we leap.  Note: there probably is a third group on here who are sociopaths/narccisists/borderlines themselves, but hopefully that group is small. 

Up front, I felt like everything was fine and there was no danger. It wasn't until the first break-up that the insanity began. That was my chance to disengage and move on, but my heart and head wouldn't agree. That's my issue for sure. How to get them to the same point. Apparently, my heart likes getting beat to crap!

Sounding off is helping. And it's great to hear from others and what their experience has been. We really are traveling to the same place, even if we are taking different roads.