Hoping it's not too late.

[Mummyfixit]

Hi, my husband of ten years walked out in early Feb. Last year was a particularly difficult year for us as I worked away from home and he worked and looked after the kids and did all the things a parent does. It is only now that I am realising that he felt abandoned and I did not validate his efforts enough.

Currently he seems to hate me, but I have been JADE ing. I am currently frantically reading everything I can about how I can change. I so want to work through this with him, initially he said we could then he said our situation is irreversible, I'm hoping by showing him my new understanding that he may feel able to try to work on our marriage.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Who has the kids now?

[C.Stein]

Welcome 

Why do you think he feels the situation is irreversible?

[Mummyfixit]

The kids are with me, at our house. He has our son to stay every 2nd weekend and takes our son and my son, whom he raised out for dinner fort nightly.

Our only communication is text. Initially via text he agreed to try working on our relationship and went to counselling. A week later he text me that I don't think there is a problem therefor our situation is irreversible. I have been attending counselling since he left.

[C.Stein]

A week later he text me that I don't think there is a problem therefor our situation is irreversible. I have been attending counselling since he left.

Why do you think he feels you don't think there is a problem?  Does he feel there is a problem with you? 

[sweetheart]

Hi Mummyfixit, for your husband to just up and leave after 10 years despite you being aware there were problems must have been very painful for you all, and a shock.

I can hear how much you want to try and sort things out, counselling is a good place to start exploring some of the issues and problems you have been facing. Accessing support can be a positive focus that can help ground you throughout this time when you may be feeling overwhelmed and confused.

What brings you to bpdfamily, you are of course very welcome, does your h have BPD, or there indicators that make you think he might?

[Mummyfixit]

C.Stein. He text me saying our situation was irreversible because I didn't think there was a problem. He has a list of my problems, lots of our history he is twisting to make ugly. He says I killed the relationship. It's like he has forgotten the real me, and he hates me.

[Mummyfixit]

I think he feels that I don't think there is a problem because I have been defending myself, logically and pointing out where he has contributed to our issues... .he is not able to take this on board. I have also stepped right away and stopped doing any of the little things I used to do to keep his life in order. I have not interfered in his relationship with our son, but I have not set up anything either. He was angry about that and I said I was not his mother, not even his wife anymore, and he had to sort out his own relationship with his son. He sees this as parental alienation.

He left me, I'm evil and a narcissist he claims but he expects me to still be supportive. So confusing! If I don't support I'm abandoning, if I do I'm needy and pathetic.

[C.Stein]

Dealing with borderlines can be challenging, even on a good day.    Have you read any of the articles and workshops available here?  These might help you with your understanding of the disorder and how to be more effective in dealing with it.

You can start here, the other articles are listed on the right side.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Once you read those you might find it helpful to find appropriate workshops to further hone your knowledge and communication skills.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=views;desc

You will find that defending yourself (JADE-ing) generally will lead to increased conflict, especially with a borderline.  I recommend if you don't have time to read all the material you at least look into communication skills and validation.  

[Mummyfixit]

Thanks. I've been reading the lessons and workshops.

[livednlearned]

I can see how it would feel like a double bind -- he is saying there is a problem, you are saying there is no problem, which makes him feel you are disagreeing (a problem for him  . And if you agree that there is a problem, then he *wins* the argument that there is indeed a problem. Up is down and down and up.

What steps has he taken (if any) to move more seriously toward divorce? That might help us understand whether he wants to genuinely go through with this intention.

My ex husband talked about divorce for years and I look back now and see that he had no intention of going through with it. Many BPD sufferers lack the skills to repair and recover after breaches in trust and intimacy. There is an underdevelopment of emotional skill that means we have to become the emotional leaders. He likely has only limited skills to deal with his sadness and fears, and they have the unfortunate habit of making things worse for him (and you).

Your instinct is to probably appease him and defend yourself (a very human response) against these accusations. You likely want to change his mind and prove to him that you love him. Unfortunately, this instinct can make things worse -- repairing a BPD relationship is often not intuitive.

It could be that he is completely done, though there is also a chance he will respond to validation and begin to feel your attempts to reach him empathically. It could mean accepting and acknowledging that he feels there is a problem in the relationship. I found this article on validating questions to be very helpful, especially when there are false allegations (because sometimes a well-phrased validating question can work double duty -- for one, it is validating, and two, it puts the responsibility on him to find a solution, instead of you trying to turn yourself into knots trying to guess what will fix the problem).

[Mummyfixit]

Hi Livednlearned. In Australia divorce cannot even be applied for until a separation has been 12 months and if children are involved working with a mediator is required. Divorce has not been mentioned by either of us. Thanks for the validating questions link.

[livednlearned]

Hi Livednlearned. In Australia divorce cannot even be applied for until a separation has been 12 months and if children are involved working with a mediator is required. Divorce has not been mentioned by either of us. Thanks for the validating questions link.

There is a 12-month period where I live, too. Although here (not sure if it's different?), we file for a temporary order, which basically becomes a permanent order. Then, after 12 months, the divorce decree is granted, which was almost anti-climatic compared to the stress of getting that temporary order worked out. The temporary order included child support, custody, visitation, alimony, and pretty much everything else that had legal implications.

[Mummyfixit]

He is renting a room about 2km away( mind you it's a very small town). Communication from him is about our son or things he needs from the house.

I gave him a letter validating his feelings and reasons for leaving and asking him to consider working with me to put our family back together but he has not responded nor even mentioned it. Im assuming silence means NO.

[livednlearned]

Well, maybe silence means he isn't sure yet what he can and cannot do. The BPD people in my life are not very good at acknowledging apologies or vulnerability, often there is a begrudging acceptance through clues that they remain receptive.

It is a good sign that he continues to talk to you. Is it talking? Or is there any rage/abuse in the communications? When he gets things from the house, does he do so when you are there? Are these items that he could pick up without telling you? 

[Mummyfixit]

Hi Livednlearned.

He has no access to the house, he handed me the keys when he left. He still has lots of things here, well legally 1/2 of everything is his (Aus). Until recently he kept saying he would arrange transport to take the last of his things, but he has not mentioned this in about a fortnight. Communications, all text, contained lots of rage up until about a fortnight ago, but have been polite since then. He is also "over" explaining things eg instead of just asking for his birth certificate he explained he is applying for a second job, and the hours it would be (?).  In person he seems uncomfortable, like he can't get away fast enough.

[livednlearned]

He has no access to the house, he handed me the keys when he left.

This seems to suggest he is not quite ready to cut ties?

Communications, all text, contained lots of rage up until about a fortnight ago, but have been polite since then. He is also "over" explaining things eg instead of just asking for his birth certificate he explained he is applying for a second job, and the hours it would be (?).

He wants approval, is my guess. Maybe not explicitly, tho. He may not have the awareness that he's seeking approval. I wonder if he is working out a similar issue that happened in his family of origin? Was he kicked out of his parents' house by any chance?

In person he seems uncomfortable, like he can't get away fast enough.

Any thoughts or insights into what might be going on with that?

[Mummyfixit]

I agree, Livednlearned, that he is seeking approval, which sort of says he still cares how I feel(?). I'm trying not to expect anything from his seeming reduction in hostility, but inside I am doing a happy dance. I'm trying to be friendly, cooperative, validating and supportive. I'm also reading lots and thinking about my own boundaries and contributions to flare ups. No JADEing, practicing SET etc. I'm also swimming and running so I actually look better than I have for years

[Mummyfixit]

  I text upwBPDex the time for our son's parent teacher interview and he asked to come along. Today was the first time we have been together in public for nearly 2 months! After the meeting I invited him for a drink. We talked about inconsequential things for a while and then I broached the subject of my letter. He went through all his perceived slights, and some were quite true and rational. I acknowledged my behaviours and validated his emotional responses. His counselling has given him some insight into the effect his foo had/has upon him.

He doesn't hate me, but said he is mentally and emotionally exhausted... .he looked it too. He felt he was too exhausted to work on our issues. I left that sit for a while and we discussed other things before I came back to it. Sorting our mess out doesn't have to be emotionally exhausting, we've already started communicating and listening I pointed out. I saw and felt a shift in him, like an epiphany rippled through him. I added that we needed to find each other again and we had lots to work through and plenty of time to do that. He added we could attend counselling and go out together.

So the upshot is that tonight I am feeling relief and thankfulness at having found this site. Things may still go completely pear shaped, but I may just have a chance to build a new relationship with my husband.

[Mummyfixit]

Well, I thought things were going well. He came for dinner last night and we had a lovely evening but today he is distant again. Talked on the phone and he said he had to go and would ring back... .of course he hasn't rung back. I could be reading too much into it. I guess either he really has no intention of working through our problems or something happened and he has a valid reason for not ringing me. Too painful...

[livednlearned]

Well, I thought things were going well. He came for dinner last night and we had a lovely evening but today he is distant again. Talked on the phone and he said he had to go and would ring back... .of course he hasn't rung back. I could be reading too much into it. I guess either he really has no intention of working through our problems or something happened and he has a valid reason for not ringing me. Too painful...

The roller coaster can be very painful, things are good one day then bad the next. It's human to be hurt by this behavior.

It's also pretty status quo for someone who struggles to regulate his emotions. If he is new to therapy, it's also possible that new things are coming up that are hard to deal with.

Do you feel able to let go of his distance (and not ringing back) and be light with him next time he surfaces?

[Mummyfixit]

Yes, it's just so hard to know if what he says when we are together is true. I need to stop over thinking, analysing and second guessing.

[livednlearned]

Yes, it's just so hard to know if what he says when we are together is true. I need to stop over thinking, analysing and second guessing.

It probably is true when he is together. Then, BPD roller coaster takes him somewhere else, and then that feeling is true at that point in time. I believe we are wired for connection and it is more likely than not he wants you in his life because that is written into his very DNA: to bond and be with close others. BPD makes that hard for him, so he swings wildly back and forth. The key is to learn skills to ground yourself, and you've had a real go this time around because he dropped the Divorce bomb and moved out. Though, as you've seen, his pendulum will swing back and you can have nice times together.

I wonder if it might help to get yourself a DBT workbook? I found it helpful to practice some of the skills and model them myself not only for my own wellbeing but for others. DBT = dialectical behavior therapy. There are four sections, and the ones that I remember off the top of my head (and were most helpful) include distress tolerance and mindfulness.

[Mummyfixit]

I think that's a great idea. I've made bullet points when I read walking on egg shells and When hope is not enough. A lot of the skills that I use as a teacher, which possibly explains why we lasted so long without a huge melt down. BTW... .it is me overthinking, he worked today and is on his way over now. Ive just got to trust and go with the flow.

We are going on holiday with our son tomorrow.

[livednlearned]

We are going on holiday with our son tomorrow.

I hope you have a nice time together. 

[Mummyfixit]

I intend to.