Perfectionism

[lovenature]

I have found that the constant criticisms along with other BPD traits have left me questioning just about everything; the simple things that I used to just do and not think about. The anxiety fuels the perfectionism, that fuels the depression-vicious cycle.

Can anyone relate? What did you find best to help you break free from it and go about life the way you used to, or at least function better?

[C.Stein]

I for one can totally relate to feelings of anxiety, both within the relationship and after.  The anxiety has lessened as the FOG clears and I come closer to complete detachment/acceptance ... .and because I am no longer subject to her borderline behavior.  Granted much of the anxiety was replaced with pain post trash bin.  

[JerryRG]

Agree with both of you, add in other stresses of everyday life and it can be overwhelming. Don't know up from down when tangled in these relationships. The fog does clear but ocasionally another bank rolls in blinding my progress. Get lots of support from everyone available. We are not alone.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lovenature, The place to start, in my view, is by learning to love and accept yourself again.  I used to be a perfectionist, too, but now allow myself the freedom to make mistakes.  I'm human!  I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety in my marriage to a pwBPD, because I had no idea what was going to happen next, which was often something negative or abusive.  Not anymore; we're divorced.  Now when I go home at night, I don't fear a confrontation, which has done a lot to quell my anxieties.

LuckyJim

[JerryRG]

Guess I didn't really share the things I do to help ease the transformation back to reality.

1. Take care of myself

2. Tale cars of myself

3. Take care of myself

See a pattern here? Lol

Seriously

4. Support from

Learning all I can about BPD, reading, these forums and other sourses, books

5. I'm in AA and Alanon

6. Counceling

7. Church

8. Exercise

9. Eating right

10. Rest

11. Have some fun just feeding our inner child

12. Try to keep things in perspective

13. Gratitude lists

14. Realize how lucky we are they are gone.

15. I write down all the totally insane things she did to remind myself and validate

16. Thing could always be worse?

17. We could have lost even more but by grace we are still alive and unlike them we can change, improve and move forward.

18. Prayer, faith, hope and love those who truly love us

19. Connect with those who do love us

20. I ask those around me if they believe I'm a good person, don't assume they know how devistated we have felt, no one could possibly understand this horror unless they have experienced it

21. Help others, get outside ourselves

22. Pray for them, they are miserable and it's so easy to forget how much they suffer.

23. Practice forgiveness, for them and ourselves (I'm no where near this personally)

24. Laugh and be goofy, life is meant to be enjoyed.

25. Be yourself no matter what you are, spent too much time conforming for them

26. Remember we are all children of a perfect Father and He will see us through, He saved me from her death

27. Stay busy with healthy activities

28. Ask questions, be honest, face your fears and NEVER be ashamed of what we allowed them to do to us

29. We have hope, they have BPD

30. Take care of yourself, we are the only ones who will.

I hope you get through this as quickly as you allow lovenature.

[JerryRG]

More? Did I hear someone say more? Lol

31. Check self pity at the door, it's ok to visit but never stay too long.

32. (Choke) realize my mistakes and be accountable but let them go

33. Put as much energy and time recovering my life as I did trying to help and please her

34. Mistakes are human, we are human

35. Seeking self worth from peoole with no values and no conscience is kinda insane but I did it.

36. BIG BIG BIG! Try to stay in the moment, dwelling on the future or past only waste our present.

38. Focus on what we gained, learned and not just our losses

39. Meditation and there's a link here on a video that helps with recivery

40. When we find ourselves in hell, keep walking (fog)

[MapleBob]

I've done a ton of therapy work about my perfectionism and the key to letting go of appearing perfect all the time is to find people (support group?) that will stand by you no matter how many mistakes you make. You have to make mistakes, you have to be imperfect, and the people that matter will be there regardless.

I actually had a big breakthrough watching the movie Black Swan, and realizing that it was a story about how perfectionism will kill you.

[lovenature]

Thanks guys, good info.

I think staying in the present and always reality checking thoughts and feelings is very important.

One day at a time, as best we can.