One revelation deserves another

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

My BPDxbf sent me an email today outlining what was going on for him when we were together. He talked of how he can be resistant to love and how he punished himself after taking things that happened between us personally. He talked of how he was at war with himself and how he is learning to no longer look upon his darker emotions as enemies but as indicators of his worst pain. Sometimes, he seems so coherent and has such self-understanding that I feel that I am struggling to keep up with him. I sent him a response.


"I'd say that my experiences growing up could be described as emotional neglect and parental over control.

I do not believe myself to be loved. I try to be near those I love but I expect to be ignored. Indeed, sometimes it feels safer to be ignored.

I fear rejection. I expect those I love to leave, or die or find someone better.

I feel unworthy of love.

I feel too ugly to be loved. You can't imagine how difficult it was be sexually intimate with you when I knew you could see what I look like.

I try to buy or earn love but fear that what I do will not be enough. That's why I try too hard and can be such a know-it-all.

I am too controlling but also resistant to being controlled. I don't know how to let go without feeling I will be taken advantage of."


Like my BPDxbf, I want to be loved. Like him, I am resistant to love. I don't trust it. I struggle to recognise it when it is there. I push it away. I get caught into battles for control. I feel so sad that I do so much that is so self-defeating. I react rather than respond and destroy the very thing I want and value. I feel love but I do not have the skills to sustain it. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so unable to make things right. I know I've got to stop punishing myself for being unable to turn this relationship around, but I am so full of sorrow that the temptation to blame myself is massive. I loved this man and I don't want to have to let him go.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Oh, I so relate. Here's a big hug 

When my boyfriend is calm and regulated he can send apology emails like this. They are quite sincere, and he often does have insight into his behavior. What I try to remember is that is happening when he is 1) alone 2) not presently trying to be in active relationship with me and 3) not promising to make actual change.

When we reconnect we might maintain that regulated state only briefly before chaos and anger happens again.

Please remember, his insight is not the same as being capable or motivated to make actual change. it is also all about him. My boyfriend does the same thing. What is missing from the apology is an understanding of our feelings and needs. My boyfriend will say generic things like "I failed you." He will not say "I want to do what is good for you." That is not in his emotional vocabulary.

Likewise, I am also flawed. I have not been able to be the emotional leader. I have my own abandonment fears and trauma. I also have control issues, which I recognize. For instance I told my boyfriend early on I need to have a plan and schedule. I told him this is common in adults who had backgrounds of severe neglect and abuse. Rather than honor that boyfriend reacted against it, constantly being tardy, not showing up, and other behaviors.

I'm curious: Taking accountability is good, but what do you think your emotional reason for sending this email back to him was all about?

I am also struggling with immense sorrow I can not make it work with my boyfriend. I also tend towards blaming myself. What I am trying to remember is something a dear friend told me. She has bipolar. She is married to a wonderful man. She talks about how she is crazy and mentally ill and her husband still loves her and treats her with respect. We can't buy into the notion that our challenges mean we deserve to be treated badly. 

[joeramabeme]

Hi LW16,  

Powerful honesty you are sharing with us all, thanks for risking the openness of your feelings.  FWIW, that is a positive trait you have, willing to take risk for greater intimacy.  Kudos.

I can relate to some of what you say, most of us probably can in varying degrees.  

I wanted to share an interesting thought I had while reading your post.  I hope that something about this may be helpful for all of us.  It is truly just a thought I had while reading your message and something that applies to me.

For some reason while reading your post the Karpman Triangle suddenly came to my mind.  I seem to remember from reading much older posts of yours that you are familiar with it?  It is possible I have post authors mixed up (I am terrible with names).  So if you are not familiar with it; the triangle is a model that shows how we perpetuate repetitive negative behaviors in our relationships and provides the answer for how to escape the repetition.  

Skinny version of Karpman: The 3 corner-points of the triangle points represent 3 traits; Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer.  In order for the negative r/s traits to continue the people inside the r/s assume one predominant trait while also oscillating between the other 2 non-predominant traits.

As I was reading this post of yours I started to think of the elements of the Karpman triangle as it relates to the feelings you wrote about yourself.  It seems that there is a lot of Persecutor in you - about you (your Primary Triangle Trait).  Then a shift from Persecutor to Victim.  

For example, I am too ugly to be loved, I am too controlling or I will not be loved; all self-persecuting statements.  Those statements are immediately followed by Victim statements; it is difficult to be intimate with me,  I will be taken advantage of, and I expect to be ignored .  

According to the theory, the way to break out of the triangle is by stop making someone good/bad, right/wrong or better/worse as all these constructs lead to someone being one up and the other one down.  As soon as the comparative stops, so too the dysfunctional relation.  Moving into the center of the triangle where no one can be good/bad etc stops the unwanted negative cycle.

As to how this relates to your posts dialogue; if there is no self-persecution, then the negative cycle is broken within ourselves.  I think this would also infer that we are less likely to accept this behavior with others in our lives and therefore more likely to find what we are looking for in our r/s'.  

Perhaps this internal karpman-triangulating is a common trait that all of us non's share?  Negative self-persecution or self-victimization?  I know I have my share of it and would not be surprised if it wasn't a big part of the dynamic that kept me inside my bp r/s.

Thinking about this last paragraph with Karpman-eyes gives it some different potentials:

Like my BPDxbf, I want to be loved. Like him, I am resistant to love. I don't trust it. I struggle to recognise it when it is there. I push it away. I get caught into battles for control. I feel so sad that I do so much that is so self-defeating. I react rather than respond and destroy the very thing I want and value. I feel love but I do not have the skills to sustain it. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so unable to make things right. I know I've got to stop punishing myself for being unable to turn this relationship around, but I am so full of sorrow that the temptation to blame myself is massive. I loved this man and I don't want to have to let him go.

All this said in the spirit of sharing.  No intention of being presumptuous nor respecting the moment of your feelings.  Just thinking it may potentially be a helpful way to see some of the responses to the comments you are making.

JRB

[unicorn2014]

I have a question, what is the point of revealing this kind of thing to a pwBPD? Won't they just use it against us? I don't know what you've experienced with your pwBPD, but because you're posting on this board you've either moved on or have grown a lot.

I know for myself in my relationship I am sick and tired of these show and tell exchanges because nothing ever comes of them, nothing changes. At this point in my relationship I'm looking for action not words, words have ceased to mean anything to me.

Does what I'm saying resonate at all with you? Its possible I'm totally missing the mark here.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks Guys. I really appreciate you taking time to respond. It's morning where I am and I have to get the kids up and off to school and I haven't got time to give this the attention it deserves, so I'll reflect upon all your responses until I have time to answer properly.

Lifewriter x

[gotbushels]

Lifewriter the sharing was very good. Very useful. Insightful about yourself.

Absolutely no judgement alright?

I want to make sure you know I welcome your thoughts with a warm and open heart. In fact, I admire your honesty and your self exploration. Clarity would help. It would also help us know where you're at so the rest of us can encourage you accordingly.

Therefore, could you please help me with understanding this... .

I loved this man and I don't want to have to let him go.

This is not detached Lifewriter... .It sounds like you want to get back together with him again. "I don't want to have to let him go" implies you're still holding it.

Have you let go? Did you feel you let go then take hold of it again?  Is that what you want?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

I have a bit of processing time, for which I am so grateful.

To answer your questions for me:

I'm curious: Taking accountability is good, but what do you think your emotional reason for sending this email back to him was all about?

I want to work things out with him. I want us to find a way to be together.

I have a question, what is the point of revealing this kind of thing to a pwBPD? Won't they just use it against us? I don't know what you've experienced with your pwBPD, but because you're posting on this board you've either moved on or have grown a lot.

I know for myself in my relationship I am sick and tired of these show and tell exchanges because nothing ever comes of them, nothing changes. At this point in my relationship I'm looking for action not words, words have ceased to mean anything to me.

Does what I'm saying resonate at all with you? Its possible I'm totally missing the mark here.

For me, the point is that complete honesty is the one thing that I haven't tried with my BPDxbf. I've tried boundaries, he feels controlled and leaves. I've tried temper tantrums and getting indignant about how he treats me, things get worse. I've tried walking away in anger so I don't have to put up with the hurt and upset any more, but I am utterly miserable without him. I waited so long to meet the man who feels like my soul mate. I can't live the rest of my life without him. I don't want to. I want to find a way through if it is humanly possible, even if it's only coffee occasionally. If necessary, I will let go but I haven't tried everything yet.

I understand your concern about being honest. No doubt, my BPDxbf will use these revelations against me at some point, but I will handle it like I did the first time it happened. I really get that you want action not words. However, I am becoming more and more aware of just how hard it is to make emotional changes, because I am finding it hard to make changes to myself. I am struggling. So, I can see his struggles and how much courage he has to face the abusive background he grew up in. He's far more open to talking about feelings than I am. Just perhaps, I really am contributing to the problems we have and I can learn from him if I just stop blaming him for everything, seeing myself as better than him and getting into battles for control with him.

This is not detached Lifewriter... .It sounds like you want to get back together with him again. "I don't want to have to let him go" implies you're still holding it.

Have you let go? Did you feel you let go then take hold of it again?  Is that what you want?

You are right. I have not got to the point of being able to let go. I got to crunch point a couple of weeks ago and drew back. I've had a year of recycles, healing a little bit at a time. The thing is, letting go is for good. A friend of mine had a 5 year relationship with someone with BPD traits. They separated for 2 years and then became best friends (no sexual relationship at all). He is dying of cancer and she is devastated. She thinks he'll be dead by April. If that were my fella, I'd be devastated. There has to be a better way than to cut the man I have loved most in my 52 years of life out of my life for good. I want to explore all avenues and be absolutely certain that is necessary before I do that. Having said that, I may be forced to let him go because he moves on. That was the situation that I thought existed between us. We're meeting for a casual chat over coffee tomorrow. Perhaps he wants more, I'll find out in time. What level do I want to find with him? I don't know, but, whilst we were apart, he's joined a group for men who have violent tendencies and strong emotions. And he's done Schema Therapy and DBT in the past. There's evidence that he is trying to change. Lots of evidence. What if it helps but I've given up unnecessarily? Being realistic and going on past experience, I'll be posting on Detaching within a week and you'll all be commiserating with me and secretly wondering why I couldn't see the inevitable. But, I can see the possible too and I want to give us a chance.

joeramabeme - interesting perspective on the Karpman Triangle. Thank you. I am going through a phase of heavy self-torment. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because I need to feel in control but I'm just not. At the moment, I'm just crying and crying because I know I can't make this right and I know happiness is not around the corner, but I just can't square walking away yet.

Love to you all,

Lifewriter x

[unicorn2014]

Lifewriter, it sounds to me like you're trying to take responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility, like if you just act differently somehow he'll behave better. Your ex boyfriend has a serious mental illness. I am able to tell myself that about my pwBPD lately when he starts fantasizing about our future together. Somebody on the boards told me that that amount of fantasy is indicative of mental illness. I know your situation is different however the common denominator is we can't change them by how we act. Now your situation is different then mine, it doesn't sound like your striving for self respect, it sounds like you're searching for some way to make your ex boyfriend need you.

[HurtinNW]

I full understand and honor your feeling of wanting to try everything before you give up. I've been in much the same place. I'm someone who doesn't like to give up, and after raising kids with special needs, I have a lot of determination. I've seen the other side of healing.

I'm in a similar place. I've loved my boyfriend more than anyone else in my life. I'm 48. When he is regulated there is a lot we share. He is bright, brilliant, loves theater, can be warm and funny, and we can have conversations that last for hours. But I also am realizing that it will probably never work. That is a whole bunch of pain.

You can try complete honesty, but please don't confuse that with being victimized. Say he rages. Does complete honesty mean getting hurt and staying for it? You've mentioned you tried boundaries and he feels controlled and leaves. I hope you aren't thinking you have to stay through abusive behavior, and the fix will be to be honest with him about your feelings and faults. That puts him in control.

I'm worried you are giving him the power here. Just my concern, because you sound like such a wonderful person. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi unicorn. Actually, I think it's the exact opposite of what you suggest. I am trying to take responsibility for things that are my responsibility rather than pointing the finger at him and telling him: "It is all you!" (like I literally once did). Like having the right attitude towards him rather than thinking I'm better than him, negotiating decisions rather than trying to be in control, being honest about my feelings rather than reacting, allowing him his self-respect rather than trying to be the person who has all the answers. I'm going to try meeting him from a position of equality rather than assuming superiority. I realise I can't change his mental illness, but he is trying to change that through his therapy. I don't suppose it'll work... .because, I have no confidence in my own ability to control my errant and runaway emotions. If I could salvage some continued contact even on an occasional basis, that would be enough for me. He is a courageous man who has gone through some awful experiences, first as a child and second during therapy and I want to know him.

Hi Hurtin,

Well, I'm concerned too. I don't honestly know how this is going to turn out in practise. Probably with me back on Detaching. I have no idea whether it is possible to make a difference in this relationship. He once told me I was the only person who was willing to tell him the truth and that he liked me for that. That was before I got ill with it all and started hiding my truth from him. I'm going back to the initial policy and just going to start with a chat over a cup of coffee and see whether we both want to have a second chat over a cup of coffee. I suspect that I'm as barmy as he is. However, to be clear, I wouldn't do any of this if he were not actively pursuing therapy.

Lifewriter x

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lifewriter, I did not know he was in therapy. I wish you the best of luck with him. It still sounds to me like you're hoping to affect some kind of change in him by changing how you treat him. We're powerless over this disorder and how we behave is not going to make them better. It sounds to me like you want him to come forward to you. Is that correct? If I am still wrong, I apologize.

[eeks]

Hi Lifewriter,

Have you read this message (and a lot of the rest of the thread might be relevant as well) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291394.msg12742168#msg12742168 ?  It's difficult to do, when you are right in the middle of the longing and the grief about the current relationship, but I think this process of "feeling the true emotions towards the correct people" might be relevant to you.

If you believe that we are attracted to others who mimic our childhood wounds, then there's a challenge here... .this attraction may be inevitable, but when it's to someone with BPD, one can end up in a situation where "neither person is able to give what the other needs".  Now, if both partners are willing to do the work to become the person who can give their partner what they need, then you have a chance at a relationship.  None of us can tell you whether that's true about your ex... .he may indeed be in therapy... .my only caution would be to make sure you are operating on the facts right in front of you, not promise or hope.

Is it possible that because you have never loved anyone else like you loved your ex, you are assuming that you never will?  That's a tempting assumption, and if you came from a childhood with a scarcity of affection, the temptation makes even more sense to "hang on tight to whatever you can get".

Is it also possible that you believe, even unconsciously, that if you can make things work with your ex, it takes the painful narrative of your childhood neglect and "makes the story turn out the right way this time"?  I think we all want that to a degree in our intimate relationships, and an adult relationship can indeed be reparative of childhood attachment deficiencies, but an important point here is that you may need to continue to do more grieving of those childhood neglects so that you can approach the present relationship "fresh". 

eeks

[HurtinNW]

Hi Lifewriter,

Have you read this message (and a lot of the rest of the thread might be relevant as well) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291394.msg12742168#msg12742168 ?  It's difficult to do, when you are right in the middle of the longing and the grief about the current relationship, but I think this process of "feeling the true emotions towards the correct people" might be relevant to you.

If you believe that we are attracted to others who mimic our childhood wounds, then there's a challenge here... .this attraction may be inevitable, but when it's to someone with BPD, one can end up in a situation where "neither person is able to give what the other needs".  Now, if both partners are willing to do the work to become the person who can give their partner what they need, then you have a chance at a relationship.  None of us can tell you whether that's true about your ex... .he may indeed be in therapy... .my only caution would be to make sure you are operating on the facts right in front of you, not promise or hope.

Is it possible that because you have never loved anyone else like you loved your ex, you are assuming that you never will?  That's a tempting assumption, and if you came from a childhood with a scarcity of affection, the temptation makes even more sense to "hang on tight to whatever you can get".

Is it also possible that you believe, even unconsciously, that if you can make things work with your ex, it takes the painful narrative of your childhood neglect and "makes the story turn out the right way this time"?  I think we all want that to a degree in our intimate relationships, and an adult relationship can indeed be reparative of childhood attachment deficiencies, but an important point here is that you may need to continue to do more grieving of those childhood neglects so that you can approach the present relationship "fresh". 



eeks

I'm putting some things in bold here that really hit me. I do these things. Eeeks, I am curious... .when you talk about grieving childhood neglects and approaching the relationship fresh, that appeals to me, because it doesn't quite close the door. But I would be afraid that it would be another way to avoid dealing with the trauma. Is it better to assume the relationship is over and really dive into the pain? For me I know the loss of the relationship would bring catastrophic pain, largely from my childhood. I am wondering if in order to deal with that pain one needs to not have the expectation or hope of being reuinted with a BPD.

[Lifewriter16]

Yes, eeks. You are right that I have the belief that if I met the person who truly loved me, the narrative would turn out right this time. I have always been consciously aware that I was looking for the right person and that when I met him, all the pain from the past would be wiped away by the love I finally shared.

The massive grief I am confronting right now is because I have seen that my beliefs about what would happen when I found true love were incorrect. I am having to face the fact that I am not going to live happily ever after with the man I love and who loves me back because we are both too damaged and the pain from the past has merely loomed larger in my life because of it. I had thought this healing of my past would all happen automatically and I'd be in happy city. I never dreamt that being loved would make me so scared that I want to run away or that it would trigger such childhood pain that I can't see straight or that I would react so badly in my denial of my pain that I'd compromise that relationship and be unable to function within it. You see, I have been forced to confront my own dysfunction and I have realised that I have some big problems. Now I look at the rest of my life and wonder whether I will simply be alone because I experience such fear of intimacy and engulfment and such fear of rejection that I push people away. I know that when it comes to my BPDxbf, I will either live unhappily ever after with him or unhappily ever after without him. And that if I traded him in for a healthier man, I'd probably do exactly the same because I have problems too, it wasn't just him.

And I wish someone could help because I don't know what I can do. I don't know how to change. At the moment, all I know how to do is cry over what my future looks like... .and that's bleak.

Love Lifewriter

[HurtinNW]

Yes, eeks. You are right that I have the belief that if I met the person who truly loved me, the narrative would turn out right this time. I have always been consciously aware that I was looking for the right person and that when I met him, all the pain from the past would be wiped away by the love I finally shared.

The massive grief I am confronting right now is because I have seen that my beliefs about what would happen when I found true love were incorrect. I am having to face the fact that I am not going to live happily ever after with the man I love and who loves me back because we are both too damaged and the pain from the past has merely loomed larger in my life because of it. I had thought this healing of my past would all happen automatically and I'd be in happy city. I never dreamt that being loved would make me so scared that I want to run away or that it would trigger such childhood pain that I can't see straight or that I would react so badly in my denial of my pain that I'd compromise that relationship and be unable to function within it. You see, I have been forced to confront my own dysfunction and I have realised that I have some big problems. Now I look at the rest of my life and wonder whether I will simply be alone because I experience such fear of intimacy and engulfment and such fear of rejection that I push people away. I know that when it comes to my BPDxbf, I will either live unhappily ever after with him or unhappily ever after without him. And that if I traded him in for a healthier man, I'd probably do exactly the same because I have problems too, it wasn't just him.

And I wish someone could help because I don't know what I can do. I don't know how to change. At the moment, all I know how to do is cry over what my future looks like... .and that's bleak.

Love Lifewriter

Lifewriter, I am going through very similar feelings   I think we are close to the same ages, too. It is really hard to get around 50 as a woman and feel you are going to be alone the rest of your life.

I also have a big fear that any healthy man wouldn't want me. They wouldn't want to deal with my pain, my trauma history, my awful family history... .everything. Our culture prizes people from one side of the tracks, and over here in traumaville, we can be seen as damaged goods.

Not long before I met my boyfriend, I briefly dated a "normal" guy. Meaning he seemed super stable, great family history, nothing kooky around the edges. No mental health issues, loved his mom... .you name it. Mr. Normal. I remember being terrified he would reject me. Sure enough, once I told him a bit about my history, he did. I didn't even get to the really bad stuff! That memory still scalds me. I realize now that I shouldn't want to be with a guy who is incapable of handling trauma. But that's now how my heart sees it. It felt like rejection, not dodging a bullet. He ended up marrying a woman just as normal as him, and I am sure they are happy. I am also sure he is woefully unprepared if anything traumatic happens in their lives. Hopefully it will not.

Here's the deal, though: the world is full of people with trauma histories. There are lots of us with these pasts. My therapist used to tell me that there is a man out there who will love me not despite of my past but including it, and not be reactive to the times I might test it as my boyfriend has been. I imagine you are thinking that because you might poke or push that means you have to accept someone who rages in response. But what if you poked or pushed and someone said, "hey, please don't do that?" What if the response was healthy instead of unhealthy?

I have kids with trauma histories and when they poke and push that is what I do. I say, "let me help you." We work together in healthy ways. They have healed because of that. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a traumatized person. I know this from my life with my kids. But it only works when both people are trying and working together in healthy ways.

I'm worried that I will sabotage any future relationship too. I'm going to work hard in the coming months on my issues, my hurts, my trauma. Maybe we can be support buddies in this process?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin.

I've been reading some of your other posts and we do seem to have quite a bit in common. I think we've already become support buddies... .and for that, I am truly grateful. I will certainly be looking out for you.

Love Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

I'd like to put "trauma" into perspective here.

Many people have experienced trauma as children. People also have experienced it as adults. In either case, healing takes time, effort, and tools. Just like healing from the physical injuries of a car crash does.

If you are still suffering from UNHEALED trauma, your ability to have a healthy or normal relationship is pretty limited.

A person who has never experienced trauma... .or a person who has healed their own trauma... .in other words, an emotionally healthy person may well steer clear of a relationship with you.

When you have healed, even if you still have a few scars, you will find having a relationship with "normal" people works much better. While it is true that some may reject you because of your history, others may reject you because of your job, your height, your children (or lack of children), or any of a thousand other reasons... .

I guess my point is that you have found things in yourself that you need to work on, so do that now... .and when you work through them, you will be a much more attractive partner for somebody. Trust that it will show up when you are ready. Perhaps it will be your old partner coming back and ready to go forward with you. Perhaps it will be somebody new.

[HurtinNW]

I'd like to put "trauma" into perspective here.

Many people have experienced trauma as children. People also have experienced it as adults. In either case, healing takes time, effort, and tools. Just like healing from the physical injuries of a car crash does.

If you are still suffering from UNHEALED trauma, your ability to have a healthy or normal relationship is pretty limited.

A person who has never experienced trauma... .or a person who has healed their own trauma... .in other words, an emotionally healthy person may well steer clear of a relationship with you.

When you have healed, even if you still have a few scars, you will find having a relationship with "normal" people works much better. While it is true that some may reject you because of your history, others may reject you because of your job, your height, your children (or lack of children), or any of a thousand other reasons... .

I guess my point is that you have found things in yourself that you need to work on, so do that now... .and when you work through them, you will be a much more attractive partner for somebody. Trust that it will show up when you are ready. Perhaps it will be your old partner coming back and ready to go forward with you. Perhaps it will be somebody new.

In general I agree... .if the person is not openly acknowledging and working through the trauma. I think if a person is honest and open with themselves about their trauma, is engaged in therapy or working on it meaningfully, then they can have a healthy relationship while healing from trauma. I've seen this quite a bit in my work. I work with people who are veterans, have mental health issues, and other challenges. In my opinion it depends on how much they are willing to work on actively healing from their trauma, and how much they can engage their partner in the process. Also how capable the partner is too.

[gotbushels]

Guys here's the other side of "If you are still suffering from UNHEALED trauma, your ability to have a healthy or normal relationship is pretty limited." that GK brought up.

This is a man's version.

After my pwBP I dated a woman who went through a really lousy relationship. No judgements on you guys, but she was a b*tch.

During the relationship, I told her part of my story and told her I was dealing with it. I told her I didn't want to let it affect my relationship so I actively worked on it.

On the other hand, she said her bad relationship was a few years ago and she has 'definitely not recovered' from it. It surprised me when she didn't seem to be working on it. It's different to be damaged and working. It's very different from ":)amaged. Just damaged." It surprised me that she was doing all kinds of things to not work on it. It surprised me that she was actively dating despite this. It surprised me when she blamed her ex for things that she definitely contributed to (think about breaking marriages). It surprised me at how she managed to turn all the lousy things she did with her other previous boyfriends into positives. She seemed to have used a handful of her boyfriends. It surprised me how ignorant she was of irritating things. (E.g. Her: This is my answer and I don't want to talk about it. Didn't I say don't talk about it? Why are you asking me to repeat myself?)

I had to basically find ways to explain all her poor behaviour (oh she's a geek. oh she's an introvert. oh she's been hurt) I approached every single potentially loaded conversation with a neutral or positive tone. I made very, very sure of it so I could measure my behaviour post-pwBPD. Even when she snapped at me or barked at me. I didn't enable. I asked her about herself so I can find out more, defuse and maybe fix, and I get "Why are you asking me to repeat myself?" L O L

This is despite me not using enabling behaviour (which I did a lot with my expwBP). In fact, I went out of my way to watch my relationship maintenance. (Yep, I tried well-planned reverses of that as well, didn't work.)

In my mind, the rose glasses are off. And if I take little instances in isolation, she really is irritating. She talked really irritating too. I get that if I pick a model to date, I "deserve" what I get. But. she. wasn't. even. that. pretty. Lol. This is so retarded but I'm happy I can laugh about it. Ugh her ego was the size of Manhattan. Ugh. If I wasn't so busy with my work I would have dumped her earlier. She took me shopping twice with my card (a few bags, mid-range) them started seeing someone else shortly afterward. Sighhh. You girls. Too much!

Anyway. I know this example is pretty extreme. You women aren't like this at all from what I see here. But even when women have the "best intentions", this is how it feels to be with a woman who is "completely" not bothered with her issues. This is the ugly side of GK's sentence.