Not sure what happened

[Klops]

I have known the guy for 4 years, I was his direct manager at work. He left the business and we kept in touch. Recently we have reconnected and something sparked. We kissed and for the next 3 weeks enjoyed a very intense, intimate relationship. The way he looked at me, told me he misses me, suggested he'd like to have a child with me and made me feel special was addictive. He was the driving force of this relationship, the one who needed constant eassurance that it is not just about sex. I was more passive and he was trying to win me over. Then, one evening, we ended up having an argument over an act, which should be interpreted as caring, not negative. He left his jacket at a bar and was cold that night so I called a cab and decided we go to pick it up. We waited for the cab, got in and ended up going to the venue and he got upset with me that I didn't consult it with him truly but forced him to go, which for him was not OK as we should be equals, and he didn't want to go to get it. Somehow my not wanting him to be cold got turned into me forcing him to do something. I was puzzled. He wanted us to go our separate ways that night and I was ready to do do. Then he changed his mind and asked for us to recover the night. After few hours we were fine, drunk and as good as ever with him proclaiming how he'd love to give me a child. Then that night he said he has strong feelings for me, so strong that they scare him and he does not want to call it what it is as it's only been 3 weeks. I have reassured him that I feel for him too and said I might love him (probably a mistake). Next morning things were OK and then we ended up having an argument over breakfast due to discussing his phobia, which we've discussed a couple of times before. I did not know this topic was so hot or off-limits but he reacted very strongly saying that I don't know him well enough to discuss these things with him. I was confused. Progressively after this he became colder and more distant. Half way through the day he got dismissive and indifrent. His eyes were emotionless when he looked at me. Whenever I enquired whether everything was OK, he'd say it is. Then when I was chatting to my friends, as he would not engage, he said I am trying to manipulate him and that he wants to be alone. I tried to force him to talk to me and would suggest I will not leave without an explanation but he would not want to engage really. Then he'd say a lot of mean things: that I am not a woman for him, that this whole thing has been a mistake, that there is only one woman he loves (his ex that he was reassuring me is not a problem for us), that I am not his partner in crime (term he knew I use for what I want in a relationship) and then he would ask me to leave. I was really shocked as he said it with cold eyes and I felt as if he is trying to rally hurt me. I tried to Reason with him but he would just coldly say I've made a mistake whenever I'd cite to him things he said to me. There was no empathy or compassion for me, and it's the first breakup like that for me when a person really does not care how you feel. It was not just about splitting up, it was mean, there was no respect or compassion. Could it be that I have had an affair with a BPD person? Does it sound right? He's also told me that he goes through phases where he doesn't feel anything towards his loved ones (parents/past gf) for a matter of weeks, looks at them and feels nothing. And I've also experienced him at work as a person who would mostly have two emotions - ecstasy/happiness or anger/withdrawal... .I have never been in this situation and am struggling to understand why I would be so hurt by a breakup with someone who I've been with for 3 weeks. But I felt we have had something special... little did I know I'd get discarded like that.

[WoundedBibi]

... .wow... .A LOT of what you're writing, Klops, is very similar to what happened to me...

And yes, according to me, based on his behaviour and a lot of research I did after a friend pointed out my then bf might have BPD, has BPD. With a touch of NPD, some OCD, and of course addiction to alcohol and drugs.

So, welcome to this site Klops. The more you read here the more you will recognise. And the more you will be able to heal and move forward.

The connection you felt has been like no other. The relationship has been intense like no other. The break up has impacted you like no other. A rollercoaster from start to finish and the ride isn't over because the relationship is. No matter how this has rocked your world, for some damaged or ruined even, it can bring you things. Knowledge about who you are, what you want. Use it to your advantage 

[patientandclear]

You might read a bit about engulfment. You describe him reacting to situations where he probably felt threatened by you being too close and taking control. It seems that even innocuous instances of that can trigger a tremendous revulsion and need to get away for pwBPD, because their sense of self is so tenuous and fragile, and the need to hang onto some sense of autonomy feels threatened by intimate connection with another person.

There is an article on this site, "Why We Struggle In Our Relationships," that explains this dynamic quite effectively.

My ex had similar triggers. I now know that something as simple as a gf or exgf buying him a cup of coffee can make him feel owned. The triggers are everywhere and not really avoidable. Now that I know about BPD, when he gets weird about such things it does not bother me. Early on, I had no idea, reacted as you did (with hurt and dismay), and my understandable reactions did a lot of damage, damage we never fully recovered from.

If you can take the autonomy assertion reactions in stride, not be threatened, not push him, not dig the hole deeper, they tend to stabilize and fade away. Things can resume to a level of closeness. Long term the level of enmeshment you felt at the outset is not going to be sustainable, nor would that be healthy.

There are a myriad of challenges in a BPD r/ship and I am not saying it will be smooth sailing even if you assimilated all the BPD dynamics (and it took me a really long time to gain the degree of insight about my ex partner's reactions I had at the end). I am no longer in touch with my ex because, though I can deal with a lot of BPD behavior without personalizing it, the way he managed our intimate connection ended up being super hurtful to me. But. What this is not, is the kind of rejection you probably are experiencing right now. The cause is likely to be a reaction to engulfment as described above, and the prescription is warmth, not pushing, invading or rejecting them, and space.