Anybody's nerves absolutely shot?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I am doing my best to stay calm and relax with my zen hypnosis and all that jazz, but has anybody else got absolutely shot nerves? I'm talking anxiety to the point I can feel myself shaking slightly.

I hear about PTSD. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, just wondering if everybody or anybody else is suffering the same thing. It's awful, I want it to stop!

[Frustratedbloke]

So I am doing my best to stay calm and relax with my zen hypnosis and all that jazz, but has anybody else got absolutely shot nerves? I'm talking anxiety to the point I can feel myself shaking slightly.

I hear about PTSD. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, just wondering if everybody or anybody else is suffering the same thing. It's awful, I want it to stop!

[steelwork]

So I am doing my best to stay calm and relax with my zen hypnosis and all that jazz, but has anybody else got absolutely shot nerves? I'm talking anxiety to the point I can feel myself shaking slightly.

I hear about PTSD. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, just wondering if everybody or anybody else is suffering the same thing. It's awful, I want it to stop!

Not anymore, but I did. Gave up and took valium for a few months. All that cortisol is bad for your heart, so I figured tranqs were the lesser of two evils.

Sorry you're going through this. It doesn't last forever. I mean, the nerves flare up occasionally now, but less and less--and I'm off the valium.

[Frustratedbloke]

Yeah I'm going to get back in the gym tomorrow. It might help, that kind of went south recently, so I think taking the anger out on weights might help as well.

I know I shouldn't, but I get so worked up about it, just sat here, replaying her bs, that i can feel my arms and legs pulsing. It's messy.

[Anez]

I had it at the beginning. I work with my ex and the first month or so i'd break out in heavy head sweats every time i saw her or heard her.

but that's gone now. I just saw said my first word to her in a month. I was walking through kitchen and she was in there and she said hi and i said "yo" with no emotion and kept walking. i felt powerful. I felt all the work i've put in on myself over the past few months paying off.

the moral of the story - it gets better with time and no contact. What you're going through now is natural. it will pass. But make sure you work on yourself. See a therapist if you can. be good to yourself.

[WoundedBibi]

Yes. When I had to be around my ex and/or his minions 5 days a week I couldn't function at work anymore. Shaking, dry mouth, constantly on edge, knot in my stomach. Constant feeling that I was in danger. Of course in my head I knew my life wasn't threatened, it wasn't like they could or would physically harm me (I think), but emotionally it felt as if I was about to have to fight for my life. Of course this has diminished now I'm on sick leave but when I picture myself going back to work (especially now some people I used to have a good connection with have started to ignore me) the panic sets in again.

[Frustratedbloke]

Thanks Anez.  I am, and the gym starts again tomorrow. It will help.

At the height of her abuse, which is what it was at one stage, I could feel my eye pulsating when she was in the room and flickering like I was about to have a stroke. Amazing how stubborn I was to stick it out with someone who was clearly a horrendous hive of negative energy.

I am not a big aura and energy type person, but, well, I buy it a bit more now that I've seen what a dark cloud some of these people seem to bring with them. They don't even need to say or do anything horrible, they change the mood just by being there and the making the odd snarky comment.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes.  I lost 10 lbs. in the last three or so weeks of our relationship, and my Valium bottle became my best friend.  I began suffering from migraines and dehydration and I was overall a basket case.

Fortunately that feeling is now months in the past, and difficult to even remember.

I completely empathize with feeling like you might have PTSD.  I have come to believe that this also might be the case for me.   My abandonment fears -- probably lingering PTSD-like issues from my teen years -- are so easily triggered now.  I don't think I could ever again be in a relationship with someone who was even remotely volatile or unreliable.  I think I need someone absolutely sedate.

That feeling of living in a constant state of threat takes a long time to go away.  My ex would change his mind about major life goals, like having children, in a flash, without any visible thought process leading up to his new opinion.  He changed like the wind blew.  This terrified me.  Deep down, I knew that if he could change his mind about children, his career, or his numerous likes and dislikes, he could change his mind about me just as easily.  I used to log into Facebook to see if he was still listed as my boyfriend on my relationship status, because I could imagine him just up and removing me one day without warning and without explanation.  I wouldn't have to even say or do anything different.  The most terrifying part is how he follows his new lines of thinking with utter conviction and seems to have total amnesia about what he claimed to want even a few hours ago.  He has no insight about how volatile he is or how unhealthy it is to change like that.  Thankfully, our mutual friends have now witnessed this behavior for themselves, so they understand a little about what I dealt with.  Living in that constant state of threat most certainly had a long-term impact on my mental health.

[WoundedBibi]

Oh so recognisable GreenEyed... "I need to stop drinking, my liver hurts, I don't want to die yet" and 3 hours later who would binge drinking at the pub...

Sometimes there were just minutes though between him saying contradictory things. I was at a loss every time and of course my first thought would be "have I misread? Have I misunderstood?"

[Frustratedbloke]

Interesting points, my mum left when I was 12 and it was brutal, drawn out and quite horrible. Since then the only two deep romances I've had were with two of the most emotionally unavailable, closed off and flighty women you might ever meet. One Brazilian, who was meant to be going back to Brazil 'in two months' for 4.5 years, and this latest one, the Angolan, who I am now 95% sure is engaged back home and is just passing the time with people, and hurting them for kicks, while she is at uni.

Interesting I find these women, maybe the therapy will help get to the bottom of it.

Would be kind of scary if I turned out to have some kind of matching BPD traits, but I know I don't have a malicious bone in me and am more co-dependent if anything.

[steelwork]

Oh yes, I dropped a ton of weight.

By the way, of the biggest risk factors for PTSD is a history of previous trauma.

[JerryRG]

Hey GEM, I lost close to 100 lbs during the stress of her being in treatment during her pregnancy and she said I looked disgusting. I never felt better in my life. She did everything to break me down but it all backfired on her. Stress is no fun for sure, RUN from them and never look back!

[Teereese]

  FrustratedBloke

Yes! I am towards the end of the divorce process and cannot wait for this to be over.

After he moved out, I was a hot mess. I wanted to give up. There was emotional and financial blackmail. My nerves were beyond shot.

Now it comes in waves, I have had days and weeks of peace with bursts of his disorder. Every 6 weeks or so, he really amps up and starts with the insane crazymaking that directly affects me and our daughters, so it is hard to ignore or dismiss.

I had a particularly horrible weekend recently and just had to be sad and alone. I had to work through it. I had an ice cream eating, crying, watching television, listening to sad songs, pointless driving weekend and then got the heck over it. I have to let the feelings come, cope with them and move it along.

There is a great topic that comes up reminding us all to do 5 things for ourselves for the day.

I have had some really good days and weeks, so I know when it's over, I have months and years of good to look forward to.

This too shall pass.

[Teereese]

At the height of her abuse, which is what it was at one stage, I could feel my eye pulsating when she was in the room and flickering like I was about to have a stroke. Amazing how stubborn I was to stick it out with someone who was clearly a horrendous hive of negative energy.

I am not a big aura and energy type person, but, well, I buy it a bit more now that I've seen what a dark cloud some of these people seem to bring with them. They don't even need to say or do anything horrible, they change the mood just by being there and the making the odd snarky comment.

So relatable.

I felt like my stbxh  enjoyed changing the mood with his dark cloud of negativity when he came home, entered the room, attended an event, etc. He wanted to affect and be noticed and he made sure he did just that.

[WoundedBibi]

That I think, FrustratedBloke, is the bottomline: our exBPD's and us are similar in the respect that we are sensitive, vulnerable, hurt and looking for love. That's why we are attracted to them and they to us. But we believe in the good of people, giving second chances, forgiving, and never intentionally hurting someone. The "love shall overcome"-type. So we give it our all. For BPDs other people are just cardboard cut outs; other people don't feel as deep as they do. And because BPDs are in constant mental/emotional pain (always feeling disconnected and utterly alone, misunderstood by all, constant whirlwind of feelings, sounds are too loud, touches too much, other peoples vibes and emotions picked up which is especially overwhelming in crowds, silently screaming "why can no one see me, hear me, get me? Is there anybody there?" they will do anything to numb that pain. Alcohol, drugs, anger, splitting, lashing out, sex, starving themselves, flirting with everyone with a pulse, ANYTHING. They fell for us because they thought we were different, we were like them, we understood. And then we did or said something that showed we don't understand them as much as they want or need us to. That we are not an extension of them. That we want things for ourselves, things that might not be what they want. So we tricked them. We are not their saviour that understands what they feel because we are like them and at the same time is so stable we will accept anything and forgive all.

So we are worse than the grey wallpaper stupid cardboard cut out people the world is filled with. Those are just dumb and ignorant. We have been able to fool them in believing we were THE ONE who would end their pain. We are the ultimate disappointment to them. Fraudsters. "You think you can fool me? I will hurt you back so bad... ."

That's my theory anyway  

[apepper21]

I had it at the beginning. I work with my ex and the first month or so i'd break out in heavy head sweats every time i saw her or heard her.

but that's gone now. I just saw said my first word to her in a month. I was walking through kitchen and she was in there and she said hi and i said "yo" with no emotion and kept walking. i felt powerful. I felt all the work i've put in on myself over the past few months paying off.

the moral of the story - it gets better with time and no contact. What you're going through now is natural. it will pass. But make sure you work on yourself. See a therapist if you can. be good to yourself.

I totally agree with Anez. It's all a normal reaction. I work with my ex too, and VERY closely, only 14 of us in the company. I had my first "good" day today. Similar to what Anez is describing, first day I've just been like, I'm going in and not focusing on him, worrying about his reaction to me, or what he thinks/feels about me.

It has come with a LOT of working on myself. I mean, just the past few days (over the weekend thru yesterday) I was posting all about how I feel guilty and to blame and getting all caught up in everything!

Today, being faced with him (he had been off for a couple of days) it felt like all of the self reflection, work, emotion "control" work, meditation, etc etc fell into place. I just didn't give him the time of day and it felt GREAT!

So yes, right now what you are feeling sucks, it WILL get better. As Anez said, working on yourself would be a great idea!

Keep posting too:)

[WoundedBibi]

So glad you had a good day at work! 

[Fr4nz]

Yes.  I lost 10 lbs. in the last three or so weeks of our relationship, and my Valium bottle became my best friend.  I began suffering from migraines and dehydration and I was overall a basket case.

Fortunately that feeling is now months in the past, and difficult to even remember.

I completely empathize with feeling like you might have PTSD.  I have come to believe that this also might be the case for me.   My abandonment fears -- probably lingering PTSD-like issues from my teen years -- are so easily triggered now.  I don't think I could ever again be in a relationship with someone who was even remotely volatile or unreliable.  I think I need someone absolutely sedate.

That feeling of living in a constant state of threat takes a long time to go away.  My ex would change his mind about major life goals, like having children, in a flash, without any visible thought process leading up to his new opinion.  He changed like the wind blew.  This terrified me.  :)eep down, I knew that if he could change his mind about children, his career, or his numerous likes and dislikes, he could change his mind about me just as easily.  I used to log into Facebook to see if he was still listed as my boyfriend on my relationship status, because I could imagine him just up and removing me one day without warning and without explanation.  I wouldn't have to even say or do anything different.  The most terrifying part is how he follows his new lines of thinking with utter conviction and seems to have total amnesia about what he claimed to want even a few hours ago.  He has no insight about how volatile he is or how unhealthy it is to change like that.  Thankfully, our mutual friends have now witnessed this behavior for themselves, so they understand a little about what I dealt with.  Living in that constant state of threat most certainly had a long-term impact on my mental health.

Yes... .this can be summed up into their usual sentence... .your are the love of my life... .and after few hours they replace you 

[HurtinNW]

My abandonment fears -- probably lingering PTSD-like issues from my teen years -- are so easily triggered now.  I don't think I could ever again be in a relationship with someone who was even remotely volatile or unreliable.  I think I need someone absolutely sedate.

That feeling of living in a constant state of threat takes a long time to go away.  My ex would change his mind about major life goals, like having children, in a flash, without any visible thought process leading up to his new opinion.  He changed like the wind blew.  This terrified me.  Deep down, I knew that if he could change his mind about children, his career, or his numerous likes and dislikes, he could change his mind about me just as easily.  I used to log into Facebook to see if he was still listed as my boyfriend on my relationship status, because I could imagine him just up and removing me one day without warning and without explanation.  I wouldn't have to even say or do anything different.  The most terrifying part is how he follows his new lines of thinking with utter conviction and seems to have total amnesia about what he claimed to want even a few hours ago.  He has no insight about how volatile he is or how unhealthy it is to change like that.  Thankfully, our mutual friends have now witnessed this behavior for themselves, so they understand a little about what I dealt with.  Living in that constant state of threat most certainly had a long-term impact on my mental health.

This is helpful for me to hear. My boyfriend constantly re-wrote his own history, day to day, moment to moment. He honestly didn't seem to recall how it had been before. When we met he told me how excited he was that I have kids because he always wanted them. That quickly changing to saying he never wanted kids. I remember once his own sister confronted him on it and he said, "I never said that." So many conversations, ideas, opinions, and recall were like this. It was totally crazy-making.

Yet he could also remember with remarkable clarity everything he thought I had said or done. He was the expert fact checker and often called me out of I related a story even slightly different, or omitted something from an account.

This also terrified me because my mother was so completely unsafe and unreliable, and now that I think about it, she never owned it either. No wonder this really triggered me.

I haven't thought about Valium. Maybe I should see my doctor. I'm having a hard time, as people on the boards can probably tell.

[GreenEyedMonster]

This is helpful for me to hear. My boyfriend constantly re-wrote his own history, day to day, moment to moment. He honestly didn't seem to recall how it had been before.

One of the most interesting things is that I can't actually tell who dumped whom in his previous relationship -- it would depend on the day he was telling the story.  In one version, he had a two-month plan to dump her, because she was a psycho stalker.  In another version, she rejected him.  Personally, I believe that she rejected him.

Recently he e-mailed a mutual friend, saying he hadn't heard from me in three months.  He later e-mailed the same friend -- within days -- saying that I am a psycho stalker.  At least he put his volatility on full display for someone else!

[WoundedBibi]

Ahhhhh... .I thought it was just the alcohol that made my ex forget what he did or didn't tell me...

[HurtinNW]

This is helpful for me to hear. My boyfriend constantly re-wrote his own history, day to day, moment to moment. He honestly didn't seem to recall how it had been before.

One of the most interesting things is that I can't actually tell who dumped whom in his previous relationship -- it would depend on the day he was telling the story.  In one version, he had a two-month plan to dump her, because she was a psycho stalker.  In another version, she rejected him.  Personally, I believe that she rejected him.

Recently he e-mailed a mutual friend, saying he hadn't heard from me in three months.  He later e-mailed the same friend -- within days -- saying that I am a psycho stalker.  At least he put his volatility on full display for someone else!

I am quite sure right now my boyfriend is telling people I broke up with him. He won't use those words at first, but he will paint a picture of himself as the victim, and after omitting that he broke up with me, he will believe I broke up with him.

Unfortunately he only pulled his mask off for me. His mask is well developed and he appears super charming in public. I am sure many people who know him would never believe the extent of his abuse and cruelty. In fact he liked to report back to me how sometimes he would tell friends he got a "little mad" at me and how they poo-poohed that he was even capable of such a thing. So I feel pretty alone in this.

[WoundedBibi]

The only people that really believe me are the friends that never met my ex. I have 3 colleagues that are 'in the know' and they believe me but even they can sometimes say things as "but essentially he's a good guy". And then there are his minions (I estimate there are about 60 of them now) who believe everything he says because he is so charming they would sell their own mother for him.

[once removed]

1. couldnt eat for several days

2. mysterious joint pain appeared a day or two after the breakup - made it kinda hard to walk and lasted for quite a while

3. i lost a lot of weight

4. daily anxiety attacks that usually set in within half an hour to an hour of waking up - i think that was left over from the adrenaline i would feel waking up every morning, knowing she would expect to hear from me and start a fight if she didnt, and not wanting to talk to her. the anxiety attacks could last many hours.

5. daily crying jags, at least once a day.

there is a lot that occurs biologically when two people breakup. seems reasonable to me that the more volatile the relationship, the more volatile the after effects.