Is this ever going to change?

[unicorn2014]

I've written a couple of rough drafts of posts over the last couple of days but this issue is the one that got my attention: mirroring. It was a little thing, but its the thing I'm going to write about.

My partner used to call me all kinds of little pet names, and I noticed that he screen captured a text where he has me listed under my name now. He used to have me listed under a pet name. I've been sending him screen captures of texts under his name for a while now. I feel like he was doing a monkey see, monkey do, if I'm going to call him by his name instead of 'daddy' which is what I used to call him, then he's going to call me by name instead of sugar boo or some other affectionate name.

If I were to nickname him in my contacts right now it would be 'liar', I'm sure he wouldn't want to see that.

I've been gradually deleting my pictures of his prior visits, and screenshots from prior facetime, both ones I took and ones he sent me.

This taps into the other issue I wanted to talk about which I was going to title "do I have to listen to this" which I think I will address in a separate post.

[formflier]

 

Is any of this healthy for you to be engaging in or thinking about?

Help me understand how any of these issues move your r/s to a better place?

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF I don't know but the mirroring behavior of BPD really bothers me and I wonder if it ever stops. This would be an example of mirroring behavior that really gets under my skin. How do you deal with mirroring behavior? How would you suggest I deal with it?

[Sunfl0wer]

How would you suggest I deal with it?

It is his problem.  There is nothing for you to deal with.

Can you allow him to keep that issue without taking it upon yourself?

[unicorn2014]

He calls  me by my name when he wants to insult me he calls me a pet name when he wants to flatter me. Case in point: when I tried to make a serious comment about his marital status making it inappropriate for him to make comments to me about giving me hickeys he hung up on me and then texted me "good night unicorn". I'm not allowed to respond to any of that? I didn't, didn't call him back, didn't text him back, but I don't see why he's allowed to act like a jerk and I'm just supposed to take it. I have to say it felt pretty empowering to tell him I wanted him to take me seriously after he accused me of ending the conversation , that's actually what earned me the hang up, and I wouldn't take that back. In fact I'm glad I ended the conversation.

[formflier]

I'm not allowed to respond to any of that? 

It has nothing to do with being "allowed" or not,

Please turn your thinking to healthy choices for you.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Fine, what is a healthy way to express or deal with my frustration ?

[formflier]

Fine, what is a healthy way to express or deal with my frustration ?

I would suggest going for a vigorous walk. 

I just got back from one, yes at 11:30 at night I just got back.  I am going to stretch, take a jacuzzi bath and get some sleep.

All very deliberate choices on my part to focus on self care, NOT involve others in it because I have had an incredibly frustrating day.

Those feelings are mine, and it's my responsibility to manage them.

Feeling much better after a walk, expect to be good to go in the morning.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Yes FF, I've been for a walk, am taking a hot bath, I actually feel great since I'm not talking to him. I called him at 6:21, he hung up on me after 31 min, he called me back at 8:12pm, I answered, he hung up. I'm quite happy we were done talking for the day at 6:52pm.

[Sunfl0wer]

Please someone soften this... .  I do not mean it in a harsh way... .this is going to sound way harsh.   I do not know how to make this sound more gentle and also be clear about communicating info Unicorn deserves to hear if able, so here goes... .

He calls  me by my name when he wants to insult me he calls me a pet name when he wants to flatter me.

I recall you expressing lots of resentment over him using pet names.  However, now he is using your actual name in his phone and you are triggered.  Is there a way for him to refer to you that does not conjure up resentments within you?  Is there a title on his phone he could write that you would feel loving towards him about it, or neutral? _{(This is rhetorical... .as you cannot dictate his language anyway)}

How do you get past the initial hello of a communication in a positive way when you have issue with how he refers to you?

It sounds like you are taking your resentment out on him for his behavior and punishing him for your own bad feelings about things.

Yes, anyone would be resentful to discover, after years, that their SO is married and after many months of having opportunity to divorce, has made little progress!  That is horrible!  That is beyond horrible!

However, the good news and the bad news is... .this is not about him.

Good: Because you get to take control of your stuff/choices

Bad: Because taking control of your stuff/choices often feels crummy

YOU own your choices today:

You choose today, to be in a LDR with a man who is married. _{... .yes, you did not get to this place by honest means, however, your choice to continue.}

This is your choice. 

Accept it.

Own it.

Take back your power.

Don't beat him over the head with it!

Neither of you deserve this.

[unicorn2014]

Sunflower, I don't mind him calling me pet names, I got over that. What I mind him doing is hanging up on me because I said was uncomfortable listening to him talk about not giving me a hickey like my daughter's crush gave her and point out to him our problems are far more complicated: he's married and living in another state. Then after hanging up on me he texts me "good night unicorn". That was not friendly, that was a jab, it was dismissing me. Oh, I just got this passive aggressive gem

I will not be giving you the opportunity to hurt me further

. He's totally baiting me and that's not fair. Me hurt him? I'm not the one that lied to him about my marital status and then continued to carry on with him as if everything was ok. He used me as an escape from his life. He's more interested in dealing with stock brokers then divorce lawyers and I'm the one who hurt him? What's not fair is I'm supposed to lie down and take that kind of treatment and not retaliate. All because I said he shouldn't be talking about anything sexual with me until he's divorced. He's still acting like everything's ok meanwhile he's got me on the line for years. That's fine if he's not going to let me hurt him anymore. That's fine if he wants to blame me. I'm not going to react to him, I'm going to ignore him. It's 12:54am where he's at and nobody in their right mind would be sending the woman they love texts like that at that time of night.

[Daniell85]

He has a fairly predictable arsenal of ways to take digs at you when he is upset with you.

It's his BPD tool box.

You aren't going to get fairness. You feel how you feel. It hurts, it's frustrating. You don't like it, it's been a huge let down. You put years into the relationship.

Resentment and pain. Simply, unless you can find ways to manage these very normal feelings you are having, you will continue to engage in conflict with him. He keeps coming at you for love, he let you down, so you rap him on the nose. He retaliates and attempts to manipulate you into feeling rejected, too.

Dynamic is understandable intellectually. I think you see it and feel it deeply. The rest of us see it.

I think you are stuck in a really difficult position. You are very upset with him, but trying to remain present. I only see a couple of ways for you to find peace:

1. End the relationship

2. Accept the relationship as it is, and learn enough detachment so the added conflict doesn't completely ruin the feeling of love you have for your partner, while he works through his divorce. This will call for a lot of re-framing what is happening, self care,  and resetting of expectations.

It totally sucks what has happened to you here. I completely get where you are coming from. The stress can be overwhelming. It's like having a bruise that someone keeps beating on.

If you don't find a way to focus on managing your own self care, you won't be able to hold up. I know this myself very well. I wasn't able to cope, so I let my boyfriend go.

And coping isn't enduring. Eventually the non cracks if they are trying to manage by force of will over themselves.

You need a better way... better self care, ways to stay calm, ways to keep in mind that you are dealing with BPD, not someone who is going to act normal.

[formflier]

  Me hurt him? 

Unicorn,

He is choosing to hurt you and you are choosing to hurt him.  It appears that you are both making a choice to be abusive and to blame your abuse on the other person.  In other words, it appears to me that you believe he "deserves" the punishment you are dishing out to him.

My guess is that he probably feels the same way about the things he does to you.

You are making a choice to behave this way.  Own your choices.  Respect yourself and (perhaps) this will help him start to respect you.

This is about you. 

If you can take a few days or a week off from communicating with him, I hope that will help you see this clearer.

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF I didn't hurt him, he hung up on me. All I said was I was uncomfortable with him referencing physical activity in his current state. He's manufacturing drama, not me.

[unicorn2014]

Danielle I'm very interested in reframing  what is happening and resetting my expectations. What do you suggest?

Here's something I need help with. I think him focusing on my daughter is allowing him to distract me from the fact he's not working on his divorce or there are further hold ups with his divorce. I'm hearing about his work, his solo project, his stock broker, my daughter, but not his divorce. Is there a way I can tell him, with all his BPD issues, that I think him helping me with my daughter is distracting him from his divorce and relocation? I mean when I tell him I need something for my daughter he's all over that conversation, procuring information, planning for the future, and frankly I'm getting sick of it. If I tell him that in the wrong way he will get very defensive and then say I don't need him, I've left him, I don't matter to him, etc.

One way to shut that down is stop talking about her with him.

Any other suggestions?

One caveat is sometimes he does say very helpful things, so if I could find a way to not cut myself off from my wisdom while still addressing my issue, that would be great.

[unicorn2014]

FF Also I am not punishing him. All I said yesterday was I was uncomfortable with him referencing not giving me a hickey in his current marital state. That was neither abusive, nor hurtful, nor punishing. I do have actual values, not 'values', and I was trying to uphold them. I didn't say anything insulting to him.

[formflier]

 

Unicorn,

I understand you may not be consciously thinking, "he is bad, therefore I will (fill in the blank)". (to punish him)

My biggest reason that I am saying that you need to step back, step away from the r/s (Not breakup) is so that you can gain some perspective in YOUR ROLE in they dysfunction and abuse that is going on in this r/s.

You can't change him, but you can change your role.  

Focusing on minutiae of how many hangups or a proper response to this particular text is ignoring a much bigger issue  in you THAT IS DESTROYING THE RELATIONSHIP one hangup, one text, one denial of culpability at a time.

I care about you and success of your r/s.  I'm a stayer at heart even though "deciding and conflicted" is my home board (for now).  You obviously care for the guy.  I hope you care about you.  

Stepping away will give you time to focus on what that issue is and what steps you can take to address it.  

FF

[unicorn2014]

Formflier, I haven't talked to him since yesterday. I called him yesterday to say good night, but he wasn't around so I left a simple message in a friendly tone, I love you, good night. I haven't called him yet this morning.

Yesterday's hang up, by him, was not like the rest. I was telling him my daughter's crush gave her a hickey, he said "I'll never do that to you", and that made me uncomfortable. I told him he first of all that wasn't appropriate for somebody our ages and second of all he shouldn't be talking to me about that until he was divorced. Dead silence. The after I went in the store I said "are we done having an awkward silence?" He responded "one, its not awkward and two I essentially shut the conversation down by what you said."

He prides himself on being able to be dead quiet on the phone but not be having an awkward silence. I find that infuriating.

I said "good, I'm glad I shut the conversation down, I want you to take me seriously".

He hung up on me, didn't call back, I didn't call back, later when I checked my texts he said "good night unicorn", I didn't respond to that, as it was snarky. He sent it at a time he was not going to bed and neither was I. He also prides himself on only needing 4-5 of hours of sleep a night, he claims 1am is his bed time and he gets up at 6am.

I find all of that very annoying, his ability to not be awkwardly silent on the phone, his lack of need for sleep.

However I did not say anything abusive or punishing to him no matter which way you slice it. I was standing up for my values, I didn't say anything derogatory to him, I was simply stating facts.

I haven't called him yet this morning, I can see he's texting me what about what he told my daughter about her crush, he's trying to connect to me that way. I haven't picked up yet.

I really do feel that him focusing on my daughter is allowing him to not focus on himself. On the other hand I do appreciate having someone to talk to about my daughter in the moment. So if there is a way to reframe what is happening here  and reset my expectations around this, that would be great.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think I keep hearing a similar message to you from the board:

Take steps back UNTIL... .

You can engage from a place of love and compassion

     You can choose to step back in daily interactions before conflict occurs

     You can choose self care over engaging in conflict

     You can accept his limitations and lower your expectations to his ability

I am hearing much more resentment for him than love for in your expressions.

There is BLEEDING happening NOW!

You must hold constant pressure to stop bleeding.

You cannot dab the wound and hope it heals.

The dabbing is keeping the skin raw and allowing bleeding to continue.

I do not hear that you love and desire and have compassion for him and feel encouraged and grateful and better by this relationship.

Step back until you can cope with your resentment alone.  Step back until the love flows through you and you can engage from a place of only/mostly love.

[formflier]

 

Unicorn,

At any point in your last response did you try to discuss the point of my post?

Does anyone else see where that was addressed or discussed?


My guess is that your phone calls and texts to your SO are much like the posts here.  He has been consistently expressing to you through words and actions that he does not like many parts of the way you communicate.  

How do you think he feels about that?

FF

[Daniell85]

Re framing... .what happens if you set aside the idea that this person with BPD can be taught by confrontation from you to behave like you want him to?

You are a very direct person. On one hand it's a really positive trait. On the other, it's not working for you in this relationship in the context of protecting your values/boundaries.

Other than being so direct, how can you communicate your discomfort? Your discomfort is telling you more than just that he needs to be respectful to your feelings. YOU need to be respectful to your feelings. I think the breakdown here is in style of communication more than the message you want to send.

At this point, you are extremely self protective and smack him everytime he triggers a negative response in you. Unicorn. I get it. What people are saying here is disengage without drama and stay back until you are able to respond from a stance of calm and lack of upset.

What does it take for you to be able to do that? He hangs up, you don't call him back. He starts texting you, you feel cornered, annoyed, resentful and hurt. You can't give a kind or healthy ( relationship wise) response under those conditions.

You know your own self, how long does it take for you to calm down after such an incident? What do you feel (internal pressure, anxiety, fear, feelings of causing him to abandon you) if you actually do stay back and do self care until you actually are in that calm and loving state?

How long? And what makes you feel you have to re-engage while still upset?

[unicorn2014]

This is what I got from him

Tried calling both voice ft, your cell and landline

I will not try you back then

Done trying

###

I picked up your 8am call, and said good morning, trying to get some rest now.

The call drop and I did not hear you say anything

Since you are now avoiding me I will act accordingly

###

I am not interested  in being taken for granted or my affections spurned.

You crossed the line with me yesterday in the phone... .Good day Ms ... .

Why is he allowed to talk to me like that?

Spurned his affections? Because I set a boundary with a married man? I crossed the line with him? He's been crossing the line with me for years.

[unicorn2014]

Also I haven't created any drama, I'm merely reporting how he's treating me and how it makes me feel. I've not engaged in one argument with him since he hung up on me yesterday evening. This is all him.

[Daniell85]

Lordy. He is always accusing you of crossing the line. He states up front he is feeling rejected.

Little bit of existential burst going on there.

What I would do ( and I am not you) is text back let's take a break for the rest of the day and I will touch base with you tomorrow.

Then leave it at that. Touch base with him tomorrow. If he ignores you, let it lie. He will snit and snuff and cuss himself around, and then once he is calm, likely you will hear a polite hello in the day or so after.

In the meantime, you can think of ways to respond to him in a calm and caring way when he does make that contact.

[unicorn2014]

There's more, I found these on Facebook messenger

Tried calling you this morning. it rang 3 times and then call dropped... .tried you back a bit latter and it went to vm. I then tried calling your landline and it was unplugged.

Left you a few txt about D15 which appears you have not read as of this txt.

not sure what is going on with you and after what you said to me about you were glad what you said shut down the conversation not sure what to make of this.

I thought we were in an intimate relationship. It appears I was correct and our relationship is only about d15.

Going to try calling you one more time

and if I get your vm I will be going back to work and we will talk again when ever we are able

I don't really care if he's feeling rejected.

I'm rejecting the relationship as it is now in the hopes he will change his situation.

Of course I can't say that to him because he'll have a meltdown .

He's lucky I'm still putting up with him.

When he called this morning I answered with a polite "good morning" the call dropped.

I told him in response to his burst of texts that I'd call him in 10 minutes and I'm going to do a polite check in, with a timer on for 5 minutes.

I'm not picking up his garbage but I'm also sick of being thrown up on by him.

[Daniell85]

btw, no one is "allowing" him to talk to you that way. He just does it.  

You can't control that by smacking him down when he does it.

It took me AGES to start backing away and going off to do other things when my ex was being a huge pill. I was afraid if I did he would leave forever. So I hung around and confronted and explained and argued. Everything got so much worse.

I only started feeling better when he did nasty things and I said to myself, Danielle is not ok with that, so Danielle excused herself and went and self cared for a day or two. Or a week.

You teach him by not sticking around for the drama, that you will not have the drama dumped on top of you.

And to validate you, YES, that man is being a deliberate PIA.

Don't take it. When he is, go quiet and walk off until he has something polite and respectful to say.

[unicorn2014]

Guess what? I got another one on Facebook messenger from his other account.

Since I have no way to reach you as you have unplugged your landline, do not answer facebook calls, do not asnwer your cell, do not take may facetime audio calls and do not respond to my txt and have I no idea when you might be available in the future so I will not waste my time further trying to reach out to you.

I do not like being taken for granted, ignored or my affections rebuffed.

Good day Ms. ... .

Why is he allowed to talk to me like this?

He knows I'm exhausted to my core because of events with d15. Now he's treating me like dirt. I don't know why I put up with this. I'm not his emotional punching bag. I unplugged my phone so I could sleep. He thinks he's so important that he has to call my landline which I keep for official purposes.

[Sunfl0wer]

Why is he allowed to talk to me like this?

The only person who allows it is you.

Why do you allow it?

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Danielle what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me. Unicorn is definitely not ok with being treated or talked to this way and unicorn knows if she says as much she'll get blamed, shamed and verbally/emotionally maimed.

[formflier]

btw, no one is "allowing" him to talk to you that way. He just does it.  

The wrong question is being asked here.

Why is unicorn paying attention to him when he speaks to her this way.

Unicorn controls her ears and her eyes.  She should take them elsewhere if she doesn't like what they see or hear.

He knows it bugs Unicorn, that's why he does it.

FF