Not sure how this marriage can be salvaged...

[byfaith]

Not saying there is no hope but it looks and feels pretty bleak. Just being real.

I went to my one on one MC session yesterday. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the Gottman relationship check up. Ours was horrible almost every segment was i the danger zone.

My wife saw it first when she went by herself last week but she was not allowed to let me know what the results were.

His words to me. "The one good thing is that you are both here trying to get help" " you both did not come in here trashing one another"

When I met with him by myself the first time, before we took the survey, I mentioned BPD. Looking at the survey results he could see different layers where there are disorder issues with my wife.

Last night I went home after the survey review and was given exercises to do with my wife.

about 8:00pm I was doing something with a food scale and I was trying to adjust it to zero and the needle would not turn, I was kind of talking to myself trying to get it to work, and she yelled my name "BF!" and as quick as she exclaimed my name I yelled "What?"

Apparently my "What?" was a yell and her "BF!" was an exclamation. This kind of crap to me is so hard to deal with. My D23 was there. I was getting slightly reprimanded for yelling. I admit I yelled it but it was a half agitated yell because of the device and the other half was because she "exclaimed" my name.

I stopped myself from any further JADE ing and went to another room, up to that everything was going great. My wife took her son to the store and they went on a little drive somewhere.

Right before she got home she sent me a text: Don't ever yell at me again. If you do I'm going to show you how much I resent it.

Instead of tearing into her about that text being threatening. I asked her if we could talk. I validated her. She told me how much a yell unnerves her. I told her I was sorry, I only said it once. I do need to work on my tone of voice, I don't even realize it goes there. Apparently she saw something other than what I was feeling.

I did then say something about the text. I said that text sounded like a threat to me. She said that she didn't know what else to say to get the message across that she hates my "yell".

BPD or no BPD I think we are both to the point that we have not much left to give. She gives 90% of her energy and attention to her 31 year old son (which is fine) that will not work if we are to have a better marriage.

I kind of rambled here but I am about give out

[formflier]

If you could follow that up with "do unto others as you would have the do unto you, "

If she doesn't like "exclamations", then she should lead by example.

Do as I say and not as I do bugs the crap out of me,

FF

[Notwendy]

This isn't about saving your marriage, but I wanted to give you some insight on that "yelling". My H can speak to me in a stern, angry, voice, and if I react to that, he seems surprised. Yet he accuses me of yelling at him. He often says " you should hear yourself sometimes".

From my perspective, I am more soft spoken than he is. If I raise my voice, it is because he just doesn't seem to get what I am saying. Sometimes he doesn't hear me as well, and then I will repeat what I said in a louder voice. Being that people have told me I am soft spoken, I realize that I may need to speak louder sometimes.

This is frequently followed by " Don't raise your voice at me". Apparently, any raising of my voice is interpreted as a form of attack to him. On the other hand, if he does it, it is an expression.

Consider this not from a right or wrong point of view, but one of emotions and interpretation. Our SO's know how they are feeling, but they don't know what we are feeling. If they tend to interpret things in a critical attack manner, that is how they interpret us raising our voices. If my H sees me getting visibly upset with him, it sets him off. I tell him that, sometimes it is how I feel, I am upset, but not over the top out of control. He can see this if there is only a slight change of emotion in the tone of my voice. I am not a yeller, screamer, or rager, but my negative emotions are amplified by him. I think his, on the other hand, are diminished. He can rage and then say it is nothing while it leaves me distressed.

Think of this amplification as a result of not being able to modulate emotions. With poor boundaries, someone raising their voice might be very unsettling. It could also be triggering of childhood abuse. Maybe it takes just a little bit on your part to create a large response for your wife.

Rather than see your wife as unreasonable about this, consider that this is how she views things-and how they affect her. You and she can have different responses to emotions and expressions in the other person.

[byfaith]

Rather than see your wife as unreasonable about this, consider that this is how she views things-and how they affect her. You and she can have different responses to emotions and expressions in the other person.

That is how I try to view it. That is why I was able to come back and tell her I was sorry and I let her know I am working on my responses. I had to swallow a little pride. Probably in any other relationship I would not get such a reaction from someone. I understand the background she came from. She got yelled at or hit if she crunched her food too loud at the table. That is just one example of FOO issues.

I shared with her how I was feeling at the moment of my "yell". Not sure if she had any empathy. Certain situations bring out emotions that I felt when I was around my dad. I don't blame him nor do I think of him every time I have these issues. My father always tried to make me feel inferior or that my way of doing things was not correct. He would openly ridicule me in front of others and even when we were behind closed doors.

I just get so tired of being pushed so far away from someone I love when these things happen. 

[formflier]

 

If you really did "yell" in anger, the apology is appropriate.

If you did not, or did not perceive that you did, I believe there is danger in an apology "validating the invalid"

Don't own things that aren't yours to own,

Don't try to parce it by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, "

FF

[Notwendy]

My H's father was a critical man. I have often felt I have been in the role of this man, in my H's mind. It seems so unfair. I didn't treat my H like that, yet what I say can be received as that. How I can "be" the voice of a man much larger and scarier than I am is beyond me.

Our MC once told me that dealing with how my mother triggers me would be a big step in my marriage. She was right. It was amazing when one day, I realized that my mother didn't trigger me and neither did my H as much. This was after a lot of 12 step work and working with the MC.

Our spouses match us in many ways. That can be a sobering thought. It may help to have empathy for your wife if you realize that you have similar childhood trauma, even though you both reacted in different ways ( I think being co-dependent or BPD are two different directions a child can take, depending on their circumstances).

So, whether or not your marriage can be saved, looking at your part in this is beneficial, because it can help with all relationships.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if it is case that one is validating the invalid. The response someone has is a personal response. It is valid to them. I agree with not acting apologetic or guilty if one has not done something wrong. The idea is more about perspective and empathy for the other person's situation. It helps us to not take this personally or react to it, rather try to put it in perspective.

[byfaith]

My H's father was a critical man. I have often felt I have been in the role of this man, in my H's mind. It seems so unfair.

Interesting, this is my theory about how my wife views me. I believe to her I am supposed to be the man to her that no one has ever been. Her statement usually goes like this "The men in my family NEVER took care of me" It was a fight for survival with her and her father and brothers and her mother for that matter.

Here is an example. My wife had a boyfriend when she was 15 he was 21. They had sex. A short time later it was revealed to her that this 21 year old was her half brother. It was her fathers son from an affair. Her father never comforted her. She told me how in anger she stabbed her bed mattress over and over. Her father never consoled her, he witnessed her doing this to her mattress.

Her older brother ( full brother) would have her lay on the bed while music was playing, fully clothed she said, he would lay himself down on top of her and press down. I think this was somewhere around 14 years old maybe? I asked her "why did you not get out of the room?" she said "because I wanted him to like me" 

BUT she ALWAYS wanted their approval.

She was always rescuing her younger brother from drug abuse, trying to gain approval from her mother. She took care of her older brother who died of ALS he wanted her to take care of him, he treated her like a dog. I could write a book here.

[empath]

My h has outright told me that in his mind he hears and sees his father when I say things or do things. I've known that it wasn't me that he was having a problem with for a long time; it is the way that he interprets things. I don't take it to mean anything about me personally when he does that because I know that it is more about his childhood wounds.