"Do not contact me again"

[sweet tooth]

The people around me aren't in control of me. I make my own decisions and will live with their consequences.

Everyone has their two cents without validating or asking how I feel. My family is notorious for sweeping my feelings under the rug.

[unicorn2014]

Sweet tooth I disagree that there is an addictive component to every close relationship. If there is an addictive component to your relationship that you are deciding or conflicted about, how do you think that's affecting you?

[sweet tooth]

Sweet tooth I disagree that there is an addictive component to every close relationship. If there is an addictive component to your relationship that you are deciding or conflicted about, how do you think that's affecting you?

That's your opinion and I respect it. I'm dealing with it horribly.

[unicorn2014]

The people around me aren't in control of me. I make my own decisions and will live with their consequences.

Everyone has their two cents without validating or asking how I feel. My family is notorious for sweeping my feelings under the rug.

I am asking if the people that you talk to about your relationship are saying something you can identify as a common theme.

[Grey Kitty]

She brought out the best in me when she was at baseline. I found a confidence and peace that I hadn't felt in years. She made me want to become the best version of myself. Call it what you want, but that's how she made me feel.

On the other hand, when she's dysregulating and withdrawn I become anxious and depressed. It's like having the extremes of heaven and hell wrapped in one package, if that makes sense.

The way you felt and what you did was real when you were with her and she painted you white and idealized you.

The way you felt and what you did when she's painting you black and rejecting you was real too.

Ultimately, nobody can make you feel anything or do anything.

You know what that confident and peaceful feeling is like. She didn't create it--she just helped you find it inside yourself. Are you willing to go looking to find it on your own?

[unicorn2014]

Sweet tooth I disagree that there is an addictive component to every close relationship. If there is an addictive component to your relationship that you are deciding or conflicted about, how do you think that's affecting you?

That's your opinion and I respect it. I'm dealing with it horribly.

Do you have any kind of recovery background?

[sweet tooth]

The way you felt and what you did was real when you were with her and she painted you white and idealized you.



Ultimately, nobody can make you feel anything or do anything.

You know what that confident and peaceful feeling is like. She didn't create it--she just helped you find it inside yourself. Are you willing to go looking to find it on your own?

I think so. My T seems to think I should date other people to distract myself.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet tooth I disagree that there is an addictive component to every close relationship. If there is an addictive component to your relationship that you are deciding or conflicted about, how do you think that's affecting you?

That's your opinion and I respect it. I'm dealing with it horribly.

Do you have any kind of recovery background?

I don't know what you're referring to.

[sweet tooth]

Now I have undeniable proof that she's checking me out on LinkedIn. Where it used to say her name, now it says "1 LinkedIn Member" viewed your profile in private mode March 13-March 19. She discarded me on March 1st. What is her deal?

[JRT]

Now I have undeniable proof that she's checking me out on LinkedIn. Where it used to say her name, now it says "1 LinkedIn Member" viewed your profile in private mode March 13-March 19. She discarded me on March 1st. What is her deal?

I am having the same thing on LinkedIn. I usually have 3 -10 'private mode' visitors per week. Reading up on it, on occasion a recruiter will go 'private mode' so that they do't get a bunch of people pestering them. But I get MANY recruiters that visit me in the clear. There are more 'private' visitors than there are recruiters! Even LinkedIn in an article on the topic suggests tongue in cheek 'its likely your ex'! Yet I had absolutely zero 'private' visitors prior to our breakup! I'm convinced that its her.

But why? My content there NEVER changes unlike FB. What could they possibly gain?

[sweet tooth]

Now I have undeniable proof that she's checking me out on LinkedIn. Where it used to say her name, now it says "1 LinkedIn Member" viewed your profile in private mode March 13-March 19. She discarded me on March 1st. What is her deal?

I am having the same thing on LinkedIn. I usually have 3 -10 'private mode' visitors per week. Reading up on it, on occasion a recruiter will go 'private mode' so that they do't get a bunch of people pestering them. But I get MANY recruiters that visit me in the clear. There are more 'private' visitors than there are recruiters! Even LinkedIn in an article on the topic suggests tongue in cheek 'its likely your ex'! Yet I had absolutely zero 'private' visitors prior to our breakup! I'm convinced that its her.

But why? My content there NEVER changes unlike FB. What could they possibly gain?

No clue. Maybe it's a compulsion of some kind. In my case, this person deactivated her Facebook. However, she didn't block me. In other words, she has free reign to snoop on my LinkedIn and Facebook pages without me knowing.

Also, with my credentials and work history, I highly doubt that anybody would be recruiting me. It HAS to be her. I don't understand the motivation. To play mind games? And then she tried to cover up her tracks by going "private." It's sneaky and creepy. It's kind of freaking me out.

[sweet tooth]

JRT, I just sent you a private message.

[Daniell85]

What could they get?

Everyone starts calming down and second guessing themselves. Just because a pwBPD is having outbursts and obvious emotional problems doesn't mean they lost attachment to you.

People run away for a variety of reasons. I think a lot of time they run away because they don't know what else to do. They know they caused a fuss, they know they keep doing things to mess everything up. Or they suspect it's themselves. What does anyone who feels they have no control over what they are doing end up doing?

Run away, hide, shamed or frustrated. Coping at the level of a 5 year old.

[sweet tooth]

What could they get?

Everyone starts calming down and second guessing themselves. Just because a pwBPD is having outbursts and obvious emotional problems doesn't mean they lost attachment to you.

People run away for a variety of reasons. I think a lot of time they run away because they don't know what else to do. They know they caused a fuss, they know they keep doing things to mess everything up. Or they suspect it's themselves. What does anyone who feels they have no control over what they are doing end up doing?

Run away, hide, shamed or frustrated. Coping at the level of a 5 year old.

Why not just come to me and say, "I f***** up and I miss you" ? Wouldn't that be a lot more constructive than needlessly spying on me and acting all sneaky?

[Grey Kitty]

You know what that confident and peaceful feeling is like. She didn't create it--she just helped you find it inside yourself. Are you willing to go looking to find it on your own?

I think so. My T seems to think I should date other people to distract myself.

I don't want to argue with your T, as I don't know what your T knows, nor do I know what plan your T has in mind for you.  Still, I'm a bit skeptical about dating is a good way to distract yourself from things. I guess it depends on what you need to be distracted from.

But never mind what I think, and for a minute, set aside what your T suggested too... .

How do you feel about dating now?

[Daniell85]

It would be, Sweet tooth 

[unicorn2014]

Sweet tooth I disagree that there is an addictive component to every close relationship. If there is an addictive component to your relationship that you are deciding or conflicted about, how do you think that's affecting you?

That's your opinion and I respect it. I'm dealing with it horribly.

Do you have any kind of recovery background?

I don't know what you're referring to.

12 step recovery: CODA, Al-Anon, AA, AA, OA, etc.

[sweet tooth]

Now I have undeniable proof that she's checking me out on LinkedIn. Where it used to say her name, now it says "1 LinkedIn Member" viewed your profile in private mode March 13-March 19. She discarded me on March 1st. What is her deal?

I am having the same thing on LinkedIn. I usually have 3 -10 'private mode' visitors per week. Reading up on it, on occasion a recruiter will go 'private mode' so that they do't get a bunch of people pestering them. But I get MANY recruiters that visit me in the clear. There are more 'private' visitors than there are recruiters! Even LinkedIn in an article on the topic suggests tongue in cheek 'its likely your ex'! Yet I had absolutely zero 'private' visitors prior to our breakup! I'm convinced that its her.

But why? My content there NEVER changes unlike FB. What could they possibly gain?

No. I'm not a drug or alcohol addict.

[unicorn2014]

You don't need to be a drug or alcohol addict, CODA stands for codependents anonymous, al-anon is for friends and family of alcoholics.

I believe there is a strong addictive component to your relationship, and perhaps you may have some codependent traits. I would encourage you to look into this.

[sweet tooth]

You don't need to be a drug or alcohol addict, CODA stands for codependents anonymous, al-anon is for friends and family of alcoholics.

I believe there is a strong addictive component to your relationship, and perhaps you may have some codependent traits. I would encourage you to look into this.

Okay, thank you. My T said he thinks there is an addictive quality to it, too. I wonder if it's addictive on her end, too. Maybe that's why she keeps compulsively checking my LinkedIn page.

[unicorn2014]

Sweet tooth you're not responsible for her end, only your end. It sounds like you have a good T. There are some really good articles on codependency on this site. I hope you take advantage of them. Also it sounds to me like she already made your decision for you: don't contact me again. She decided to end the relationship . The detaching board has a lot of resources to deal with that.

About your screen name: sweets taste good but they also cause tooth decay which can lead to thousands of dollars in dental bills. Perhaps that could be seen as a metaphor for your borderline relationship.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet tooth you're not responsible for her end, only your end. It sounds like you have a good T. There are some really good articles on codependency on this site. I hope you take advantage of them. Also it sounds to me like she already made your decision for you: don't contact me again. She decided to end the relationship . The detaching board has a lot of resources to deal with that.

About your screen name: sweets taste good but they also cause tooth decay which can lead to thousands of dollars in dental bills. Perhaps that could be seen as a metaphor for your borderline relationship.

But she's creeping on me in the background, like it's not really over. I have it in my head that she'll pop back up as if nothing ever happened. She's done it before, just not to this extent.

[unicorn2014]

Sweet tooth if I were you I would lead my life and if she contacts you again I would have real firm boundaries with her. There are some really helpful articles on communication in the lessons you can read to prepare herself in case she does pop back up. I would also strongly encourage you to start reading the lessons on detaching in case she doesn't pop back up.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet tooth if I were you I would lead my life and if she contacts you again I would have real firm boundaries with her. There are some really helpful articles on communication in the lessons you can read to prepare herself in case she does pop back up. I would also strongly encourage you to start reading the lessons on detaching in case she doesn't pop back up.

That's a good idea. Thanks, Unicorn.