Recovering from a relationship with BPD

[Thegardiner]

Hi everyone, I would like to thank you for this site and the wealth of information, if it wasn't for the articles, I would have thought myself truly mad! I'm one week in the journey to recovery. I have had the benefit of support from my exgfBPD ex-bestie (she burnt her too - is it referred to as painted black?) supporting my resolve to never return and giving me the harsh truths about her sleeping with countless men behind my back, whilst having many many men just waiting their turn (through FB, texts etc). The hurt is us describable, however it has given me the resolve to never ever return (I have taken the block all contact path) as I was... .Past tense, concerned I would fall back into her ... .As I have done on countless occasions. I left my wife of 18 years, two beautiful children for the BPD and have hurt so many people in the process. I lost my position as CEO (demoted) due to my constant attention to her instead of my work, the list goes on. I have a lot of repairing to do both internally and externally. Through reading so many articles on this sight I have self identified that I have some narcissist traits, that need my immediate attention and am seeking therapy. I was the perfect storm for the BPD/narcissist (functional) relationship.

[Jox]

Welcome to the forum Thegardiner,

It sounds to me that you are in a painful place right now, yet the clarity you have of what happened and your search for a therapist, and any other tools of self discovery, tells me you are on a right path.

You are yet to find true peace and happiness. It takes courage, patience, money and change of lifestyle, and many sacrifices, but who can resist when the best is to come.

[jessedsickabouther]

I read a chilling account from a 27 year old BPD today.  The way she described her relationships... .specifically the end,  is a gut punch. Waking up literally one day and having no more feelings or care anymore.  And hating you for not just going away.


I can't do this first hand justice . It is both SICK and heartbreaking. I dont know whether to cry or scream.

You can do or say NOTHING. Nothing.  And my mind has been so poisoned from this

I'm sorry all you have lost. I'm struggling with any meaning for life anymore.

This is the equivalent of emotional rape and very little is being done. We throw away our lives for something that was never nor will ever be real. Yet it felt so real.

Everything ever done for you was just to mitigate their fear of abandonment .

Everything. 

Let that sink in. You were picked BECAUSE you were married.  You were safe. You couldn't abandon.

This is the most insidious disorder I have ever had the misfortune of knowing

Stay very very very far away forever.  There is only more hell that awaits ANYONE who goes back. Any that stay are using you.  For one thing or another.

Absolutely horribly disgusting thoughts in the heads of these people. You will NEVER understand it unless you are one yourself

[Bigmd]

I can relate brother. I too got divorced 2 years ago for my exBPDgf. Only to have her dump me over the phone last summer. I tried and would have given her the world. It was never enough. Time is your friend, it gets better although it may not seem that way now.

[Thegardiner]

Thank you for your support and empathy. I mentioned in another post that I have just discovered that she has been with many many men totally unknown to me. It was a cycle of free drinks (very expensive champagne is her thing?) - fine dining - cocaine - all night partying - sex as payment! As soon as I found out, I read articles and I am sure the sex was not for the physical/orgasms etc but for the momentary control and fulfilment of that very empty hole. Doesn't stop the enormous hurt though. Counting my lucky stars I have not contracted an STD or worse! There is always a positive. I look back at our sex life (what I thought) and realise it was all just a game to her, I thought it was the most amazing ever and beyond belief... .She honed in on that with me and I honestly think she was just a brilliant actor. Oh boy does that hurt. It hurts even more that I know she has done it with so many other men.

[Thegardiner]

Can you point me in the direction of the chilling account of a the 27 year old? I would like to read it please.

[Anez]

I gave up my marriage for my exBPD, too. Totally know how you feel. We were married for six years, together for 10. She's a great woman and I hurt her very badly.

I'm working on myself a lot and I'm lucky that I found a great T who has a lot of experience and knowledge of people with BPD.

I have to forgive myself for what I've done in the past and build my life back together. It's been a long road the past 5 months after breakup but I'm getting a lot better and seeing things more clearer than I ever have in my life.

That's the very good that's coming out of a very bad situation.

hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Bigmd]

I was married 10 together for 16. I too hurt mine badly also. She has since moved on , married and is pregnant. My divorce went well and we still get along , she has forgiven me. My exBPDgf was my daughters daycare teacher. That should have been a red flag right there.

[Tommytwo]

I also left my wife of 15 years who was loyal and trustworthy and a wonderful mother. I was a CEO and became mesmerized with a young (20 years younger)staffer.). We had a torrid affair and I decided I could not let her go as I felt I finally met the "one"! Almost simultaneously while getting divorced, my BPDgf discarded me. Of course, I recycled with her numerous times many years afterward. I just believed I could fix her and we would find our original state of happiness. This past November she called me and told me not to call her again. This happened a few days after we celebrated my birthday together. I asked her why was she doing this and she said she didn't want to date any of her ex's anymore. She had told me about several ex's. I had suspected these guys were more than just memories. She would " disappear" for long periods in between her gracing me with her time. I must say that after I divorced, our r\s was never the same.I have been NC since November. I was left completely bewildered and wounded. Finding BPD family and seeing a T has literally saved my sanity.

[rfriesen]

Thegardiner,

Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds very familiar -- I started with my exBPDgf in the middle of a break with my gf of eight years. The longterm relationship was a solid, real, grounded relationship that was also a real friendship. The exBPDgf was engaged when we started and I thought it would just be an affair -- turned out to be the most intense emotional and physical bond ever. The sex was unreal and just kept getting better the first several months. Within a month, she had left her fiancé and then quickly moved out. Then the pressure started to build on me to move in with her, to spend more time with her. She started questioning all my contacts, my friends, asking about my exes. I was so blinded by the parts of the relationship that were good that none of the bright red flags registered. Also, I was still torn about my longterm gf and whether I should really be with her instead -- basically, some gut instinct that I could only hear from far far off was trying to yell some sense into me. I knew on some level that this new relationship was sucking ever more energy and that it couldn't continue like that without ruining me ... .but I guess I just kept hoping that it would return to the early intense happiness.

I was VERY lucky that I had to move away for work around the 8-month mark. I almost didn't. I almost gave into her pleas to stay and give it a chance. And by then she had really turned my conscience against me --- I felt guilty about a lot of things: not taking the break with my longterm gf as time to really consider a future with her (instead of diving into the madness with this new gf), having to move away and "abandon" this incredible new connection, not spending enough time on it ... .she really had me convinced I was the source of all my own pain and anxiety and problems. And I can say in hindsight that I definitely have some traits of the narcissist and that created an explosive mix with my exBPDgf. But she was the one doing all the yelling, the berating, the insulting, contacting exes from my past to check up on things ... .and never admitting in any way that she was contributing to our unhealthy dynamic. Of course, there are also many things that she told me that I believed at the time -- eg that she hadn't had sex with her fiancé in months, that she had never cheated on him before, that I was the one who must have given her chlamydia, etc -- that I'm unsure of now. I can see in hindsight that she was much more dishonest than I realized at the time, though I can't say for sure what was lie and what might have been truth. She was so good at blending the truth and lies that it's hopeless trying to search my memories for answers, and I try to stop myself anytime I find my mind dwelling on it.

Basically, I was very lucky to move away at the right time, and to trust my instincts just enough to pull out before I did real damage to my life. I've been seeing a therapist to make sense of things and to understand my own personality traits that contributed to the whole chaotic year of my life. I'm also lucky that I still have my ex longterm gf in my life and that we can finally talk about us now. But I feel terrible that I wasted a year of my life on my exBPDgf and have done so much damage to myself. It really is like a terrible sobering up. I do feel healthier and happier (in a stable, longterm sense) without my exBPDgf around, but no doubt a lot of life has a bland quality for now, and I'm only just starting to feel interested and excited again in the kinds of things (work, "normal" relationships, hobbies) that I used to be really into. It's a tough slog, and I can only imagine what it's like after giving yourself and your life over entirely.

I hope things are really turning around for you.

[rfriesen]

Also, I could just sense at a gut level that my exBPDgf would change completely the moment I gave into her pleas to return to try living together. I knew it from how she was with her ex-fiancé and at some instinctual level. And yet the intensity of our early bond and the way she had sunk her teeth into my conscience brought me within an inch of leaving everything to give it a try. Who knows what combination of random, lucky circumstances led me to hold out and refuse? I absolutely take no credit for having "seen through" her act, because it was only after NC that the idealization really broke for me and things started sinking in. Then I discovered this site, things started falling into place more and more. It's been an almost crushing experience at times, but also left me feeling incredibly lucky not to have taken the full plunge. Also left me wondering: how could I have been so naive, so gullible, to let so many negative aspects of the relationship slide and to believe so many lies? It's been eye-opening in the most painful way.