How to heal after SO commits suicide

[Countrygrl35]

Hello All,

Was just curious if anybody out there has had any experience with their BPD SO committing suicide? Mine did 3 months ago.  I am in a better place now and have begun healing, but still have sadness seep in here and there.  Would love to hear personal experiences from others that I might be able to relate to.  Thanks in advance.

[WoundedBibi]

Countrygrl35, that must have been really really tough. I feel for you.

No, my ex SO wBPD has not committed suicide. Lately I am sometimes scared he might. About 3 months after I walked away from my ex a cousin I used to be close to who I just know was uBPD did commit suicide. As I had gone NC on him a few years before and he still saw this as the ultimate betrayal from someone who was family and that reminded him of his mother and he had felt so close to etc, he tried to kill himself on my birthday. He didn't actually die till the next day but that he had chosen my birthday, as the ultimate guilt trip for me the family concluded, did shock me.

How have you been coping so far? Do you have support? How long were you together? Did you see it coming?

[Jox]

For,years I thought it was my fault. It took years to easy up on that.

Right after the death, I lost myself, and was almost sick for a bodily pain. I would wake up at night crying, but didn't know why, in few seconds as waking up I would regenerate why.

The situation was complicated to explain, but I went to therapy. A year later I met my one BPD husband. I think that I used myself and sacrificed myself in the relationship to make up what has happened.

I did hold it was my fault, and didn't want to hear anybody contradicting it. I guess that was my way to deal with it, no a good one, but even with therapy I couldn't let go.  I don't know it it led to starting a r/s with BPD person.

Al the best to you,

And let the mourning take its natural,path.

Jox

[naguma]

To risk being callous,

It sounds cold, but you must detach from the suicide. It was a life lost and that can be mourned, but in this instance it is no different then the person dying in a hurricane. There is no one to blame for it. It's simply an act of nature that took a life. Feel bad for the loss of life and loss of someone you care about, but that's the extent of it.

[Countrygrl35]

Its been a while since I posted on here, and thank you for the replies. I am veteran and have been seeing a therapist at my local VA. Acute stress disorder has been mentioned, but I am thinking that a PTSD diagnosis will be upcoming soon. I still miss him every day, and although I have begun to live my life again and can smile and even laugh, it still feels foreign. I feel emotionally numb, like I truly cannot feel a wide range of emotions more than just superficially. Looking back, I did recognize red flags along the way. I remember when we would drive to work in the mornings, he would be quiet, then look at me with a quizzical look and ask me why I was with him, or what are we doing, or he would tell me he didn't deserve me because he was a "bad guy". Another time, he was quite irritable and I called him out on it and he said he had really high anxiety, I told him I had leftover prescription of prozac, in which he said he was not depressed, just had high anxiety. I encouraged him to go to a doctor for a low milligram xanax precription. He never did. Also, the week before his suicide, he talked about his children, whom he missed and he made a remark about how he felt like a bad dad because it was almost Christmas and he couldn't get them anything. The children lived out of state and just a month prior, I was with him when he received a child support notice in the mail with his arrears. He said to me, if I go to jail because of this, will you wait on me? I laughed it off and assured him it would be ok and that I would wait on him. The night he died, we had got into an argument and I attempted to break up with him. I told him I couldn't handle his alcoholism any longer and I was gonna leave... .he threatened to kill himself, then further into the argument he said he was gonna off himself, thar he was dead to me, and he was a dead man. Why I didn't heed those words at that moment, I will never know, but I walked outside the home to grab a cigarette... .he followed me and tried to continue the argument, but I yelled at him to get inside and sleep off his drunkenness. He gave me a look I'll never forget, turned and waled thru the door, but before shutting it behind him, he said something, and I don't remember 100% but I think he asked if I was coming... .I think he thought since I was almost done smoking, I would be right behind him, but instead I told him I was hungry and I grabbed the handle of the door and shut it on him as he turned into the house. That was the last thing I said to him and the last time I saw him alive. I ended up staying outside and smoked another cigarette after he went in... .so I went in about 5-10 min after he did. I made a detour to the kitchen and grabbed a drink out the fridge as well as heating up  snack in the microwave... .total of another 5--8 min... .then grabbed my things and went to our room, when I walked in I expected him to be passed out in the bed, but he wasn't. Upon entering the room, I noticed in my peripheral vision that the closet door was ajar and when I looked in, I saw him hanging there. Of course, I screamed, alerted roommates and they ran in and got him down, called 911, CPR administered, but he never breathed again. Upon arrival at hospital we were notified of his passing. Days after the incident, upon speaking with the coroner's office, I learned that he didn't have any vitals when EMS arrived on scene, so, he was in the process of dying when I found him and we were doing Cpr on him. So, literally, 15 minutes out of my sight and my baby was gone. I didn't really want to leave him, everybody says things they don't mean when they are angry... .well, that was a lesson for me. I will never again say things I don't mean or I don't want bc you never know how the recipient of your words will react. Also, I like to believe that he never wanted to truly go that night... .I think he just wanted my attention... .and that he thought I was coming behind him, although it was a gross miscalculation that resulted in tragedy. I have accepted what occurred, although I will be scarred from it for the rest of my life. He will always have a place in my heart, and I will never forget him and how I loved him. I have eternalized his memory with a tattoo of remembrance on my body. It gives me strength to keep going for him. Thanks in advance to all who read this.

[Leonis]

Countrygrl35,

That is a chilling story and I'm sorry you had to witness the tragedy firsthand. Whatever you take out of this experience, I hope it has strengthened you instead of further debilitating you.