New to the site Hello Just broke up with someone with BPD. Here is my story:

[Boalola]

Hello everyone!

I just finished reading the article "Surviving a Break-Up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality" and it struck my on such a personal level. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a guy I think has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Everyday for me was a confusing roller coaster of emotions. When we first started dating, everything seemed fantastic. He was smart, level headed, fun and emotional. After we sank deeper into the relationship, things changed. I never saw the sickness at the time. I thought he was just so aware of the world around him that he could pick up on things I didn't understand. We would be a conversation with a random guy we just met, and afterwards my ex could give me an extensive detailed analysis of what that guy thought of me or himself. It was never positive things.

   My ex was so in love that it scared me. For a while I was convinced that all the other people around me were just emotionless, sociopathic robots. My ex was the only thing real to me. His feelings he had for me and our relationship were so intense at times. That's why whenever he got mad at me, I felt like I was dying. He would get angry at me for things that I didn't understand. I always blamed myself for not being "aware" enough. When he got with me, he would ignore me, break up with me and be so cold to me that I felt extremely alone. It happened a lot. There was one time, for example, where we went to a party together. I was having a lot of fun. I was happy, and he seemed to be happy too. When we got home though, he stopped talking to me. I knew something was wrong. But I was never actually allowed to ask him "what's wrong?" He always got upset when I asked that. Eventually he told me that I wasn't paying enough attention to him at the party. That I was isolating him and how terrible he felt. I felt so bad because I didn't know I was doing that. He broke up with me for a few days (we were living together at the time, so it was difficult) Then eventually told me that we can't live without each other and we got back together. Things like that happened all the time. It was emotionally draining for me and I always was convinced that it was my fault.

   My ex was so angry that it scared me. Even later into our relationship, he developed an intense anger that I have never seen before. Words cannot even begin to describe the anger he expressed. Just looking into his eyes during an episode made me realize that there was something immensely terrifying about him. My mother once described it as looking into the eyes of a devil. He turned into a tornado that could not be stopped. And he would get angry over small things. He got a speeding ticket one day while I was in the car with him. After the cop left, he was screaming, punching his dashboard, telling me how he was going to kill that cop and his family. It was baffling because I never saw him that angry before. After that event, things progressed. I had to call 911 once. We were at a bar with his mom and some other family members of his. We were all pretty drunk when some creepy old guy grabbed his mom's butt, and apparently tried to grab my butt. My ex saw, then all hell broke loose. My ex started pushing this guy, saying he was going to "end" him. My ex eventually got kicked out of the bar. The owner of the bar ended up having to lock the door, because he kept trying to get back in. Nobody else mattered to him at that moment. He pushed his own mother because she was trying to lead him away from the bar. All he wanted to do was "end" this old creepy man. He punched a light pole so hard that the light went out, then he  shouted that he was going to go jump of a nearby bridge and took off running. So I called 911. When the cops arrived and eventually got ahold of him, another 3 hour ordeal began. He was eventually put in handcuffs. When the cops tried to get him in the back of the car, he screamed and threw himself on the ground saying that the cops broke his rib. I was crying. His mom was crying and apologizing for his son's actions. She said she never saw him act like that before. (Her and his father divorced at a young age, he was never really close with his mom) People were asking me if he was on something and even when I told them that he wasn't, they didn't believe me. Eventually the cops let him go because he was threatening to sue them. He was so angry at us after that accident. He told me how betrayed he felt after I told him I was the one who called the cops. He tried to tell me that he never said he was going to jump off a bridge, and everything would have been fine if I didn't get the cops involved. I believed him. He broke up with me. While driving me home the next morning, he eventually pulled over the car and held me and cried. He told me about how embarrassed and ashamed he felt and how he was never going to drink again. I believed him and stayed with him.

My ex is so sad that it scares me. The countless number of hours I spent on the phone with him trying to convince him not to kill himself is astounding. I once told him that I was about to call 911 because I was afraid he was going to kill himself. He told me that if I ever did that, he would never be able to forgive me. His last serious girlfriend killed herself. They were broken up for about a year after it happened. I know that they still were considered friends at the time and they talked on a regular basis. The suicide occurred about 5 years ago. It affects his every being up to this day. I can't blame him. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you considered your best friend. He was never close to anyone in his family. His mother was an alcoholic and his father is manic depressive. They have both been in so many failed marriages that it's hard to keep count. He used to tell me all the time how big this impacted his entire self. He previously told me how he doesn't think he could ever be happy. How it feels like he is just pretending to be happy all the time. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. But he always refused. He is extremely against using medication for mental illnesses. He told me that he thinks it's ridiculous that our society needs to medicate people for being "different" so they can fit into our society and become "normal" I agree with him to an extent. But when it's an illness that is not only affecting you, but the people around you, perhaps getting help isn't such a bad idea. He refuses to get any sort of treatment. I see his pain everyday and he continues to ignore it. It hurts me to my very core to see this person I deeply care about struggle daily and not get any help for it.

We broke up about three months ago. He initiated the break up after an argument. After a few days he attempted to get back together with me. This time I put my foot down and told him that maybe it was a good idea to go on a break. He agreed. After spending a while completely detached from him, I began to realize how toxic he was for me. I was so sad and confused while in a relationship with him, but I wasn't sure why at the time. Things began to make sense a while after the break up. He eventually started seeing someone else, so I did as well. This guy I'm seeing now is strange and different. He's kind and funny and not unpredictably angry. I still have a tendency to say "sorry" over little things. I'm still afraid that this guy I'm seeing is going to get angry with me for doing things, like being myself. My ex found out just the other day that I started seeing someone else. He is not taking it well. His first reaction was a text message saying how he "regrets everything" and how he "thinks that's something he deserves to say" and how he will "probably have to block me because he's been too conditioned to reach out to me regularly" He eventually apologized in an emotionally draining 3 hour long phone conversation. He has called me everyday after that. I don't have the heart to tell him to leave me alone. I care about him way too much. Just recently he explained that the end of our relationship was his fault. He told me was diagnosed with Celiac's disease and after going on a gluten free diet that he feels "reborn". I used to believe stuff like that, but after listening to my intuition I came to see through his desperate attempts to get back together with me. His manipulation, anger and sadness was in no way caused by gluten. No way in hell can I give gluten that much credit.

There are so many other things I could talk about, but I realize I already wrote a low-key novel. I don't know if anyone will read all of this since it's so long. I just really needed to release some pent up emotions that have been tearing me down for so long. I'm really excited to be apart of this message board and look forward to meeting others in my situation!

[rfriesen]

Hello Boalola!

I did read your entire, beautifully written "low-key novel". I can absolutely relate to the feeling that the whole rest of the world is half-asleep, robotic, lifeless -- that intensity of emotion with your partner that in hindsight is so clearly manic and unsustainable, but at the time feels like you've finally truly woken up and found something deep and true. I can also relate to being afraid of the rage and anger, to sensing that this person you feel so connected to wants nothing more than to crush you emotionally, at least in that moment.

I haven't been in contact with my ex for two weeks now and have been through emotions I never experienced before -- and a lot of just plain physical after-effects, like tightness in chest, loss of appetite, pain in my stomach. And I think I've been very lucky in getting out early, compared to some of the experiences people describe on this site.

It sounds like you're starting to draw the boundaries you need as well. I just wanted to let you know I read your story, can really relate, and that I wish you the best moving forward. 

[WoundedBibi]

Hi Boalola 

For me other people have always seemed low on emotions, lifeless, and a bit bland. Finding someone that isn't and to be in the same car on the roller coaster to boot, makes life look full of colour. With you on that one!

Him hissing at me with a face distorted by anger, it made me literally step back. His anger scared the excrement out of me.

Now... .if it was gluten... Wouldn't that be an easy solution? All we would need to do is banish bread and pasta. No to mention you would receive the Nobel prize for solving the enigma of BPD    Now if you will excuse me, I need to go to the kitchen and have a serious conversation with some crackers and how they are ruining our mental health 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Boalola,

Welcome to the Family 

I read your entire post, congratulations on your first time!  Sounds like you have made it to the right place to discuss what is happening with your ex.

There were a couple of things that caught my attention.

He refuses to get any sort of treatment.

pwBPD cannot see themselves, therefore do not take responsibility for their behaviors or problems, they are never to blame.  It is unlikely he will seek treatment.

He told me was diagnosed with Celiac's disease and after going on a gluten free diet that he feels "reborn". I used to believe stuff like that, but after listening to my intuition I came to see through his desperate attempts to get back together with me.

Another BPD trait is "emotions are facts", even when there is evidence that is contrary to their emotions, they make up stories to explain the way they feel.  In this case Celiac explains why his actions are what they are, rather than personal responsibility for the behaviors.

You also mention a very healthy point here; after listening to my intuition I came to see through his desperate attempts to get back together with me.  Bravo!  Listening to our intuition is so important.  We are usually perceiving things correctly but our feelings and desire to be with the one we love allow us to discount our own perceptions.  So glad that you know your intuition, this is an important acknowledgement in your steps toward healing.

Where are you at now with the idea of getting back together?  Do you still talk with him everyday?  Do you suspect that he still wants to get back together with you at this point?

JRB

[WishIKnew82]

The one silver lining I can see is that he at least admits he is the one with the problem. Sadly enough, I would be estatic if that happened to me. But maybe it is just because he found out you have a new person in your life.

Good for you not giving in though.

[Itstopsnow]

I could relate to a lot of your story with my ex. You are very strong and smart! Stay away and try NC . They manipulate their way back in your life. And they aren't good with boundaries so you have to be. He's not an evil person just sick and he won't get better bc he doesn't see it . And it's not your job to try to save him

[GrowThroughIt]

Hello everyone!

I just finished reading the article "Surviving a Break-Up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality" and it struck my on such a personal level. I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a guy I think has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Everyday for me was a confusing roller coaster of emotions. When we first started dating, everything seemed fantastic. He was smart, level headed, fun and emotional. After we sank deeper into the relationship, things changed. I never saw the sickness at the time. I thought he was just so aware of the world around him that he could pick up on things I didn't understand. We would be a conversation with a random guy we just met, and afterwards my ex could give me an extensive detailed analysis of what that guy thought of me or himself. It was never positive things.

   My ex was so in love that it scared me. For a while I was convinced that all the other people around me were just emotionless, sociopathic robots. My ex was the only thing real to me. His feelings he had for me and our relationship were so intense at times. That's why whenever he got mad at me, I felt like I was dying. He would get angry at me for things that I didn't understand. I always blamed myself for not being "aware" enough. When he got with me, he would ignore me, break up with me and be so cold to me that I felt extremely alone. It happened a lot. There was one time, for example, where we went to a party together. I was having a lot of fun. I was happy, and he seemed to be happy too. When we got home though, he stopped talking to me. I knew something was wrong. But I was never actually allowed to ask him "what's wrong?" He always got upset when I asked that. Eventually he told me that I wasn't paying enough attention to him at the party. That I was isolating him and how terrible he felt. I felt so bad because I didn't know I was doing that. He broke up with me for a few days (we were living together at the time, so it was difficult) Then eventually told me that we can't live without each other and we got back together. Things like that happened all the time. It was emotionally draining for me and I always was convinced that it was my fault.

   My ex was so angry that it scared me. Even later into our relationship, he developed an intense anger that I have never seen before. Words cannot even begin to describe the anger he expressed. Just looking into his eyes during an episode made me realize that there was something immensely terrifying about him. My mother once described it as looking into the eyes of a devil. He turned into a tornado that could not be stopped. And he would get angry over small things. He got a speeding ticket one day while I was in the car with him. After the cop left, he was screaming, punching his dashboard, telling me how he was going to kill that cop and his family. It was baffling because I never saw him that angry before. After that event, things progressed. I had to call 911 once. We were at a bar with his mom and some other family members of his. We were all pretty drunk when some creepy old guy grabbed his mom's butt, and apparently tried to grab my butt. My ex saw, then all hell broke loose. My ex started pushing this guy, saying he was going to "end" him. My ex eventually got kicked out of the bar. The owner of the bar ended up having to lock the door, because he kept trying to get back in. Nobody else mattered to him at that moment. He pushed his own mother because she was trying to lead him away from the bar. All he wanted to do was "end" this old creepy man. He punched a light pole so hard that the light went out, then he  shouted that he was going to go jump of a nearby bridge and took off running. So I called 911. When the cops arrived and eventually got ahold of him, another 3 hour ordeal began. He was eventually put in handcuffs. When the cops tried to get him in the back of the car, he screamed and threw himself on the ground saying that the cops broke his rib. I was crying. His mom was crying and apologizing for his son's actions. She said she never saw him act like that before. (Her and his father divorced at a young age, he was never really close with his mom) People were asking me if he was on something and even when I told them that he wasn't, they didn't believe me. Eventually the cops let him go because he was threatening to sue them. He was so angry at us after that accident. He told me how betrayed he felt after I told him I was the one who called the cops. He tried to tell me that he never said he was going to jump off a bridge, and everything would have been fine if I didn't get the cops involved. I believed him. He broke up with me. While driving me home the next morning, he eventually pulled over the car and held me and cried. He told me about how embarrassed and ashamed he felt and how he was never going to drink again. I believed him and stayed with him.

My ex is so sad that it scares me. The countless number of hours I spent on the phone with him trying to convince him not to kill himself is astounding. I once told him that I was about to call 911 because I was afraid he was going to kill himself. He told me that if I ever did that, he would never be able to forgive me. His last serious girlfriend killed herself. They were broken up for about a year after it happened. I know that they still were considered friends at the time and they talked on a regular basis. The suicide occurred about 5 years ago. It affects his every being up to this day. I can't blame him. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you considered your best friend. He was never close to anyone in his family. His mother was an alcoholic and his father is manic depressive. They have both been in so many failed marriages that it's hard to keep count. He used to tell me all the time how big this impacted his entire self. He previously told me how he doesn't think he could ever be happy. How it feels like he is just pretending to be happy all the time. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. But he always refused. He is extremely against using medication for mental illnesses. He told me that he thinks it's ridiculous that our society needs to medicate people for being "different" so they can fit into our society and become "normal" I agree with him to an extent. But when it's an illness that is not only affecting you, but the people around you, perhaps getting help isn't such a bad idea. He refuses to get any sort of treatment. I see his pain everyday and he continues to ignore it. It hurts me to my very core to see this person I deeply care about struggle daily and not get any help for it.

We broke up about three months ago. He initiated the break up after an argument. After a few days he attempted to get back together with me. This time I put my foot down and told him that maybe it was a good idea to go on a break. He agreed. After spending a while completely detached from him, I began to realize how toxic he was for me. I was so sad and confused while in a relationship with him, but I wasn't sure why at the time. Things began to make sense a while after the break up. He eventually started seeing someone else, so I did as well. This guy I'm seeing now is strange and different. He's kind and funny and not unpredictably angry. I still have a tendency to say "sorry" over little things. I'm still afraid that this guy I'm seeing is going to get angry with me for doing things, like being myself. My ex found out just the other day that I started seeing someone else. He is not taking it well. His first reaction was a text message saying how he "regrets everything" and how he "thinks that's something he deserves to say" and how he will "probably have to block me because he's been too conditioned to reach out to me regularly" He eventually apologized in an emotionally draining 3 hour long phone conversation. He has called me everyday after that. I don't have the heart to tell him to leave me alone. I care about him way too much. Just recently he explained that the end of our relationship was his fault. He told me was diagnosed with Celiac's disease and after going on a gluten free diet that he feels "reborn". I used to believe stuff like that, but after listening to my intuition I came to see through his desperate attempts to get back together with me. His manipulation, anger and sadness was in no way caused by gluten. No way in hell can I give gluten that much credit.

There are so many other things I could talk about, but I realize I already wrote a low-key novel. I don't know if anyone will read all of this since it's so long. I just really needed to release some pent up emotions that have been tearing me down for so long. I'm really excited to be apart of this message board and look forward to meeting others in my situation!

Welcome to the family!

I read your post with interest. There was much depth there to see where you are coming from, and why you decided to end it.

The bit that caught my eye however, is this bit;

"I care about him way too much."

I think you should give much more care to yourself. As much as you may care about him, you need to understand that this "care" isn't healthy. Not for you or for him. By sticking around (all the time regardless of what transpires), and putting up with it all, will only cause him to push more boundaries and ultimately drain you even further.

Unfortunately, with these kinds of relationships, it really is a one way street. You'll stick around (in whatever capacity) because you care. Let me ask you this, will he stick around for you? People like him are "Me! Me! Me!", not necessarily through any fault of their own. So we make it all about them, until one day, you look back and realise, "This person had drained me. I have neither the drive nor will to move on. All of the time spent care taking, and I never worked on myself."

It is unfortunate that our exes are the way they are. It is much more unfortunate if we do not take time to look after ourselves.

What do you feel made you stay with someone who scared you so much?