I have a question regarding the end of the relationship

[Itstopsnow]

I feel very good on many levels. I've kept strict NC since November 11th. And his second girlfriend that I told about him as he was trying to come back to me after he replaced me for her reached out and wrote me a beautiful text! Saying I was a very good girlfriend to him and told me to hold my head up high! That he was a fool. She has moved on to a new relationship. I'm happy for her and that I warned her! Because they never got past the honeymoon phase! She said such comforting things and validated me. I really feel it was from God! We both think God allowed us to meet each other to help each other out!

I feel I am almost healed . But of course I still feel pain and hurt because I loved him dearly. But I realize how sick he was and how dangerous he was becoming to himself and others! I just don't understand what happened to his whole demeanor at the end! Can someone explain this to me.

After we broke up. He started coming around 3 weeks later trying to set me up for a recycle in the future. But he was more mean to me and unstable. He never was as kind and as nice as he was when we were dating. For two months I put up with a completely different guy. He wanted to see me and we went away and did a lot during those two months. Talked daily but he was a raw nerve! Sometimes caring but extremely nasty . I think those last two months really made me into a battered woman. I guess I'm trying to figure out why he hated me so much at the end but still trying to keep me around! If it wasn't for that . If he left me alone let's say for a few months and then came back to recycle me I would of never caught him with his second girlfriend . So I'm glad it went down this way! I saved her and myself from future pain, but it still is so painful to remember him being more abusive! Threatening to throw water in my face. It was just so crazy at the end... .

I almost feel like I dated 3 different people in him! The first guy was so great! But then when his masked slipped I would see his outbursts, selfishness, rages, anger... .Moodiness . And then the last guy was just a complete mess . Can someone tell me what was going on. I get he painted me black or I triggered something. But then why didn't he just walk away . And what was I triggering? At the end I was being extra nice bc I felt bad for him. And like I said . He was wanting to see me and would have fun but had was mostly nasty, on worse edge than I've ever seen him and just so cold, mean and distant . But he was still pursuing me . So weird! I hate that it ended so crazy!

[Frustratedbloke]

At one point while we were still, well, something, my ex gf was coming round my house, keeping her coat on and sitting on the edge of the sofa, like any further over and she would have fallen off. She was on edge, she was looking the other way, it was awful.

Why she came? I don't know, maybe she was trying to keep me around for favours and useful stuff. I helped her a lot with uni work and she kept wanting me to take her places, she doesn't drive, but seriously the amount of effort involved for such minor stuff? It was weird and it was clearly taking a toll on her.

I think they need to feel in control, even when they clearly aren't. They're trying to hold on to it, but at their heart they are cowards, so once you really don't back down and go exactly to their plan, they fall to bits.

I remember mine phoning me up to punish me for not taking her on a trip. She said someone else was taking her and she wanted to know how much fuel would cost. It was soo childish, so ridiculous, but she had only one outcome in her head, that I would be jealous.

I laughed and said: 'You found another sucker to take you then? Good job!'

She literally started stuttering then put the phone down. It broke her programme, her little theatrical vision. She couldn't cope. It was quite funny by the end.

[MapleBob]

I feel I am almost healed . But of course I still feel pain and hurt because I loved him dearly. But I realize how sick he was and how dangerous he was becoming to himself and others! I just don't understand what happened to his whole demeanor at the end! Can someone explain this to me.

I guess the thing with BPD or other cluster-B disorders to keep in mind is that, although you may experience almost a completely different person at different stages of the relationship, all of them are still that person. pwBPD/cluster-B have an unstable and malformed sense of self. They seem to only exist through relation to other people and things, through a process called "mirroring" (which you can read up about in the LESSONS). They'll idealize a person, do everything they can to conform to that person's expectations (that's the great, intoxicating part of the relationship), then eventually they'll realize that the person is a flawed and real human being, and then they will devalue you and act out in devastating ways, because you weren't "the one" or "perfect" or whatever their fantasy was. They fear both engulfment AND abandonment in relationships, and seem to have wildly different reactions to each, most of which are destructive and prevent them from maintaining close relationships. In their minds "feelings = facts", which does not promote a stable or sustainable view of the world, or people in their lives.

[Itstopsnow]

Thanks for the response. It makes sense but I'm still confused why he was so irrational, unstable and a time bomb at the end. The last two months after we broke up. He was so out of control. I'm assuming he was only out of control around me. Because the way he was acting he couldn't of kept his job, or his other girlfriend . But yet he was still trying to hang out and see me. Maybe he wanted to just so he could be cruel or angry to me. But he would try to be "normal" I think but just couldn't. It was the worse time with him. I never saw someone so unstable. I am trying to figure out if he just hated me at the end and was too codependent to let me fully go. Or he overwhelmed by his lies and those were guilty feelings coming up and he was just taking it out on me. I guess I'll never know . I felt like I didn't know him at all. I heard that he had a lot of bad anger issues when he was a priest at his parish with the other priests . The pastor was afraid of him . I heard from a source just recently . I guess I'm lucky to be away from him.  It still makes me sad to realize none of it was real. He was very sick and he wasn't at all who he protrayed himself to be .