Strict N/C is the best thing to do Always

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been NC for some months from my ex BPD gf (I only text her when I receive mail for her at my place) I left the forum because I felt better. I dated another woman for 2 months but at the end I realized she was not the type of girl I was looking for. There was many red flags and that time I did'nt enter in the dance. To be truth, I still think about my ex BPD (many sexual toughts and dreams). I know she is still with my replacement because of FB and I am still very frustrated about that... .she looks fine with him and it seems to be a serious r/s (he has been introduced to her family). How is it possible to move on so fast? I still have that strong hope that Wheel is going to turn someday! It seems so easy for her to get over it, she hurts the others by lying and cheating and escape free without remorse or sincere empathy! Anyways... .

3 weeks ago, she sent me an email about a possible job opportunty for me? Ridiculous! My answer was short and clear "Thank you!" Nothing else... .2 days later she sent me another e-mail that went like this "I'm sorry about everything I did to you, sincerely sorry for all the trouble and the pain you felt". Today in the morning, there was a letter for her in my mailbox. As usual I texted her "Change your adress at VISA (example) , I will destroy this letter, thanks!" No reply, nothing... .3 weeks ago she was playing the cool ex that care about my job status and now she is acting that way... .so weird! Today I had a great lesson... .NO CONTACT... .NOTHING! NADA! RIEN! it's the best thing... .that kind of person like to play, to test, to push and pull... .it's a game to feed their huge need of attention! So stay away from them... .run and run fast... .as fast as you can... .the only thing they will do is destroy you. I felt better and I have no intention to move back in the healing process... .Lastly I made huge progress... .now I will apply strictly that rule of N/C! Good lesson to mylsef! You will say that her silence is not a big deal... .but for me it's alot! There's no pattern in her behavior, impossible to predict and very changing! That's why it is so confusing. Anyways, no matter what they do or how they behave it will be rarely positive to be in contact with those toxic person.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advices of how to deal with that rage still there in me!

[tribalmart]

I've been NC for some months from my ex BPD gf (I only text her when I receive mail for her at my place) I left the forum because I felt better. I dated another woman for 2 months but at the end I realized she was not the type of girl I was looking for. There was many red flags and that time I did'nt enter in the dance. To be truth, I still think about my ex BPD (many sexual toughts and dreams). I know she is still with my replacement because of FB and I am still very frustrated about that... .she looks fine with him and it seems to be a serious r/s (he has been introduced to her family). How is it possible to move on so fast? I still have that strong hope that Wheel is going to turn someday! It seems so easy for her to get over it, she hurts the others by lying and cheating and escape free without remorse or sincere empathy! Anyways... .

3 weeks ago, she sent me an email about a possible job opportunty for me? Ridiculous! My answer was short and clear "Thank you!" Nothing else... .2 days later she sent me another e-mail that went like this "I'm sorry about everything I did to you, sincerely sorry for all the trouble and the pain you felt". Today in the morning, there was a letter for her in my mailbox. As usual I texted her "Change your adress at VISA (example) , I will destroy this letter, thanks!" No reply, nothing... .3 weeks ago she was playing the cool ex that care about my job status and now she is acting that way... .so weird! Today I had a great lesson... .NO CONTACT... .NOTHING! NADA! RIEN! it's the best thing... .that kind of person like to play, to test, to push and pull... .it's a game to feed their huge need of attention! So stay away from them... .run and run fast... .as fast as you can... .the only thing they will do is destroy you. I felt better and I have no intention to move back in the healing process... .Lastly I made huge progress... .now I will apply strictly that rule of N/C! Good lesson to mylsef! You will say that her silence is not a big deal... .but for me it's alot! There's no pattern in her behavior, impossible to predict and very changing! That's why it is so confusing. Anyways, no matter what they do or how they behave it will be rarely positive to be in contact with those toxic person.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advices of how to deal with that rage still there in me!

[GrowThroughIt]

I've been NC for some months from my ex BPD gf (I only text her when I receive mail for her at my place) I left the forum because I felt better. I dated another woman for 2 months but at the end I realized she was not the type of girl I was looking for. There was many red flags and that time I did'nt enter in the dance. To be truth, I still think about my ex BPD (many sexual toughts and dreams). I know she is still with my replacement because of FB and I am still very frustrated about that... .she looks fine with him and it seems to be a serious r/s (he has been introduced to her family). How is it possible to move on so fast? I still have that strong hope that Wheel is going to turn someday! It seems so easy for her to get over it, she hurts the others by lying and cheating and escape free without remorse or sincere empathy! Anyways... .

3 weeks ago, she sent me an email about a possible job opportunty for me? Ridiculous! My answer was short and clear "Thank you!" Nothing else... .2 days later she sent me another e-mail that went like this "I'm sorry about everything I did to you, sincerely sorry for all the trouble and the pain you felt". Today in the morning, there was a letter for her in my mailbox. As usual I texted her "Change your adress at VISA (example) , I will destroy this letter, thanks!" No reply, nothing... .3 weeks ago she was playing the cool ex that care about my job status and now she is acting that way... .so weird! Today I had a great lesson... .NO CONTACT... .NOTHING! NADA! RIEN! it's the best thing... .that kind of person like to play, to test, to push and pull... .it's a game to feed their huge need of attention! So stay away from them... .run and run fast... .as fast as you can... .the only thing they will do is destroy you. I felt better and I have no intention to move back in the healing process... .Lastly I made huge progress... .now I will apply strictly that rule of N/C! Good lesson to mylsef! You will say that her silence is not a big deal... .but for me it's alot! There's no pattern in her behavior, impossible to predict and very changing! That's why it is so confusing. Anyways, no matter what they do or how they behave it will be rarely positive to be in contact with those toxic person.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advices of how to deal with that rage still there in me!

Hey,

It's good to hear of your conclusion to be strictly N/C.  Here's why I think why... .

By continuing to play that dance we're not really giving ourselves the time and space to see things with clarity, and thus heal.

Her contacting you might be a way for her to see if she still has some control over you. When you reply, she recognises she may still have control over you and you end up feeding her ego (fragile sense of self worth?).

We will never truly be able to let go and get over anyone unless we stop taking an interest in them, as opposed to taking an interest in ourselves. I say this because I feel it's important to not look too much into her relationship and how serious it may be. You can't detach and heal if you are still around toxic people.

If you haven't already, I would say, don't look at her Facebook or any past messages etc. In fact, you should delete those reminders, as rechinically by still looking at all of these things, you are breaking N/C.

I wish you well on your journey! I hope it all works out well!

[HarleypsychRN]

I don't know who said it here but they said "the calendar changes... .they don't". They always come back to check on the body. Nothing will change... .

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Yep. NC always the best.

I went around 50 days NC then decided to message her (like yourself, the sexual thoughts kept swirling around in my mind and I asked if she wanted to be naughty). Big mistake. She replied with the most hateful, evil stuff she could muster... All sorts about how she lied to me, deliberately manipulated me etc etc... I didn't reply to any of that, then a week later she another big email outlining specific incidents where she lied and tricked me and fooled me and so on... Reallllly trying to get at me... Anyway, I didn't bother replying... and despite how nasty she was trying to be, it didn't hurt me - just reminded me why it's a good idea not to be in contact. She is brain damaged. What else should I expect.

[jhkbuzz]

Her contacting you might be a way for her to see if she still has some control over you. When you reply, she recognises she may still have control over you and you end up feeding her ego (fragile sense of self worth?).

With BPD it's not usually that calculated. We apply our own ways of thinking to a BPD and often confuse ourselves. "Well, if I got in touch with an ex it would mean this... .does it mean this for her? Is she doing it for the same reasons as I would? Or is she just a raging b**ch who wants to control me and cause me pain?"

The answer is usually NO, NO, and NO.

Don't assume that you're dealing with someone like you; someone who thinks out their decisions, someone who thinks about the consequences of their behavior. BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation - if I feel it, I should do it; if I feel it, it must be the truth. There is very little rational "thought" in emotion; think of a time that you were really angry and you'll understand.

If my ex got back in touch with me I would assume that something was wrong in her life and she was reaching out to someone she used to be able to depend on. And I'd run like hell.

[GrowThroughIt]

Her contacting you might be a way for her to see if she still has some control over you. When you reply, she recognises she may still have control over you and you end up feeding her ego (fragile sense of self worth?).

With BPD it's not usually that calculated. We apply our own ways of thinking to a BPD and often confuse ourselves. "Well, if I got in touch with an ex it would mean this... .does it mean this for her? Is she doing it for the same reasons as I would? Or is she just a raging b**ch who wants to control me and cause me pain?"

The answer is usually NO, NO, and NO.

Don't assume that you're dealing with someone like you; someone who thinks out their decisions, someone who thinks about the consequences of their behavior. BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation - if I feel it, I should do it; if I feel it, it must be the truth. There is very little rational "thought" in emotion; think of a time that you were really angry and you'll understand.

If my ex got back in touch with me I would assume that something was wrong in her life and she was reaching out to someone she used to be able to depend on. And I'd run like hell.

I agree with what you are saying.

I do feel however that these thoughts are there, just on a subconscious level.

The reason why I feel this to be the case is because from what I've seen from pwBPD/NPD, they have feelings of low self worth (which stem from childhood) and seeing someone react to them, makes them think that we care enough and therefore (they feel) they must be worth something.  I don't believe it to be calculated, although it can so easily look that way!  I genuinely think they do it from a place of deep deep pain.

[JerryRG]

One of the very first conversations I had with my now ex pwBPDgf she said to me, "Jerry, you don't want nothing to do with me because I will f**k up your life"

I ignored her warning obviously, I believe she understands her disorder on some level. She forcasted our relationship and I allowed my emotions to rule my decision to be with her.

I believe she is aware of her behaviour but chooses to reject therapy. Why else would she blame her ex husband for not allowing her to continue dbt? She certainly had that option with me and I encouraged it. She says her new bf accepts her for who she is, I watched her suffer and abuse our son and herself and me. I had to leave to save myself, she has to find her own way.

She resently unblocked me on fb, I'm sure she's snooping around or her new bf is growing weary or weakening. I often told my ex that I would need a small army of therapists and doctors and nurses to give her the attention she demands. She thought I was God, I thought I was God, I cannot save her.

[lbjnltx]

I can see why there would be a time for strict NC:

   It creates the space to heal oneself and minimizes further damage to

    self/other person.


Having strict NC is also a signal to self that we have work to do on self to:

   Heal

   Establish boundaries that we are comfortable enforcing

   Take responsibility for ourselves

   :)evelop empathy for those who are mentally ill so that we can forgive

   (not for their benefit, for ours)

lbj



   

[bunny4523]

jhkbuzz,

I completely agree.  The BPD thought process is different than yours. You can't take the facts and put them into your brain to evaluate.  You will not come up with the same outcome or intent.  Their thoughts are irrational, if you start thinking like them then you are in trouble... .  better to not try and think like them.  Just get out.  Everytime I have a question about what was said or done to me, I just answer myself by saying, "He isn't well, that's why it happened."  Try not to overthink it, just realize you don't want this in your world anymore... .period.

[jhkbuzz]

Her contacting you might be a way for her to see if she still has some control over you. When you reply, she recognises she may still have control over you and you end up feeding her ego (fragile sense of self worth?).

With BPD it's not usually that calculated. We apply our own ways of thinking to a BPD and often confuse ourselves. "Well, if I got in touch with an ex it would mean this... .does it mean this for her? Is she doing it for the same reasons as I would? Or is she just a raging b**ch who wants to control me and cause me pain?"

The answer is usually NO, NO, and NO.

Don't assume that you're dealing with someone like you; someone who thinks out their decisions, someone who thinks about the consequences of their behavior. BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation - if I feel it, I should do it; if I feel it, it must be the truth. There is very little rational "thought" in emotion; think of a time that you were really angry and you'll understand.

If my ex got back in touch with me I would assume that something was wrong in her life and she was reaching out to someone she used to be able to depend on. And I'd run like hell.

I agree with what you are saying.

I do feel however that these thoughts are there, just on a subconscious level.

The reason why I feel this to be the case is because from what I've seen from pwBPD/NPD, they have feelings of low self worth (which stem from childhood) and seeing someone react to them, makes them think that we care enough and therefore (they feel) they must be worth something.  I don't believe it to be calculated, although it can so easily look that way!  I genuinely think they do it from a place of deep deep pain.

I agree with you! 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Her contacting you might be a way for her to see if she still has some control over you. When you reply, she recognises she may still have control over you and you end up feeding her ego (fragile sense of self worth?).

With BPD it's not usually that calculated. We apply our own ways of thinking to a BPD and often confuse ourselves. "Well, if I got in touch with an ex it would mean this... .does it mean this for her? Is she doing it for the same reasons as I would? Or is she just a raging b**ch who wants to control me and cause me pain?"

The answer is usually NO, NO, and NO.

Don't assume that you're dealing with someone like you; someone who thinks out their decisions, someone who thinks about the consequences of their behavior. BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation - if I feel it, I should do it; if I feel it, it must be the truth. There is very little rational "thought" in emotion; think of a time that you were really angry and you'll understand.

If my ex got back in touch with me I would assume that something was wrong in her life and she was reaching out to someone she used to be able to depend on. And I'd run like hell.

I don't think it's overtly calculated. But at a non conscious level they certainly know what to do in order to push the buttons they need to push. It's kinda built into the way they operate.

[james_s]

One of the very first conversations I had with my now ex pwBPDgf she said to me, "Jerry, you don't want nothing to do with me because I will f**k up your life"

I ignored her warning obviously, I believe she understands her disorder on some level. She forcasted our relationship and I allowed my emotions to rule my decision to be with her.

I believe she is aware of her behaviour but chooses to reject therapy. Why else would she blame her ex husband for not allowing her to continue dbt? She certainly had that option with me and I encouraged it. She says her new bf accepts her for who she is, I watched her suffer and abuse our son and herself and me. I had to leave to save myself, she has to find her own way.

She resently unblocked me on fb, I'm sure she's snooping around or her new bf is growing weary or weakening. I often told my ex that I would need a small army of therapists and doctors and nurses to give her the attention she demands. She thought I was God, I thought I was God, I cannot save her.

I got the same warning early on Jerry. No contact is the answer.

[Frustratedbloke]

They always warn us, mine said 'You don't want to let black people into your life.'

She is black, it wasn't that meta... .

I thought she was joking. In hindsight, I don't think she was.

[tribalmart]

At the very start of the r/s my exBPD gf told me:

"You know, I can be really crual sometimes... ."

At this moment I did'nt believe her but that was the sad truth.

You know guys, the more I read your testimonial the more I understand their way to behave... .it's very complex for us sane people but by sharing it's possible to have a good idea of what they really are. Every case is not the same but there's many things in common. Here are 2 importants things that I'm trying to repeat to myslef after these recent replies:

- They are wired like us... .they do not share the same logic... .trying to find logic into illogical person is almost impossible and a major waste of time.

- Strict NC is the ONLY way to heal at 100%

There's a positive thing that helps me alot and that I'm telling to myself :

- You are going to be a better and stronger person if you are able to recover from a such toxic r/s, a traumatizing experience.

Thanks guys for your advices and comments... .I apreciate alot!

[JerryRG]

Hello tribalmart

Thank you for sharing what works for you.

During one of my first communications with my exBPDgf she warned me saying "you don't want anything to do with me because I'm going to f up your life"

Yep, yep, she warned me and like a fool I ignored her warning and invited her directly into my life and heart.

Reminds me of the fable about the vampire not being able to enter your dwelling without first the invitation. Lol

She indeed came into my life and proceeded to suck the life right out of me as she so eloquently warned me she would do.

Fool me once shame on me, fool me 10,678 times, shame on me.

Thanks again for sharing your experience and what works for you

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Yup. BPDs are brain damaged. There is no point in trying to make sense of their bull*&%$. NC, my friends, NC.

[JerryRG]

Oh boy I'm tired, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Yes brain damaged wolfbark... .

My exBPDgf mother told me once, there's something very wrong about her, she's not like the rest of us, she has an aunt who acts this way too.

Red flag #8737 I ignored, oh well.

Did I mention I'm tired? Lol

Have a good night everyone.

Remember there are no such thing as monsters... .well... .take that back, there is but they sometimes come in pretty smiles and pretty eyes, don't believe the lie, or you just might

Die 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Yeah, stupid me ignored like 10 big red flags before moving across the country to live with her (only to be cheated on a week later and kicked out the following week).

But yeah, a friend made a point that she was brain damaged...  and to be fair - that is exactly what they are. Even brain scans show BPD have significantly less amygdala activation for instance - so such a label is quite true.

Anyway, to think of her as brain damaged really helps me make sense of a lot of the crazy stuff she did and said (which was totally illogical and incoherent). But to really make that sense one needs distance more than anything. And NC gives that distance.

[gotbushels]

I can see why there would be a time for strict NC:

    It creates the space to heal oneself and minimizes further damage to

    self/other person.


Having strict NC is also a signal to self that we have work to do on self to:

    Heal

    Establish boundaries that we are comfortable enforcing

    Take responsibility for ourselves

    Develop empathy for those who are mentally ill so that we can forgive

    (not for their benefit, for ours)

lbj



   

Agreed.

 tribalmart how is your recovery going?

[Lexisdad]

Today is 30 days no contact with my exBPD gf. Her last words to me were " go f--k yourself, your a selfish man, always have been and always will be. The past 30 days have been tough no doubt but i realize in the past 30 days i have not been called

Piece of s--t

Sc-mbag

C--ksucker

Motherf---ker

A--hole

Di-kbag

That i'm no father

Pu--y

Wimp

I haven't had to walk on eggshells waiting to be accused of cheating or lying. I have been able to get thru the days and nights without literally feeling like my heart was gonna blow up awaiting the next accusation in a text or call.  I have not had to wake up at 6 am awaiting her next rage as she drives to work. I know nothing about what she's doing in her life or if ive been replaced. As far as i'm concerned i fell in love with an empty shell. If i saw her today i wouldn't even acknowledge her. I will never in my life ever be disrespected and subjected to the abuse i was for 6 years. Those names i was called have been being said for 5 and a half years. Abuse is abuse.

[tribalmart]

To answer Gotbushel's question about my recovery:

I'm doing well, very well. I can't tell you that my healing is totally completed but I'm on the right way. Somedays I still think about her with a certain rage & frustration but it is more and more unusual! All those readings, sharing, discussion have helped me alot to see the problem more clearly... .to realize that I was not alone and that I was not the crazy one in that r/s... .because sometimes you doubt about it, they are good at brainwashing and hooking their ''victim'' I sincerely think that this bad experience with a such toxic woman will only help me to become someone stronger and better... .more aware of redflags from the very start of my next r/s. Also, I need to respect myself more when I fall in love, stop getting lost to cherish my partner, trying to never forget who I am genuinely! I'm really proud of the progress I did and what's to come. I'm gonna stay on this forum because sometimes I still feel weak and I need to share to put me again on the right track.



Thanks alot to ask about me!

[gotbushels]

Good to hear tribalmart. It sounds like you can see things clearer about what happened. It sounds like you're using what you learned. Don't worry too much about not feeling like your healing is totally completed. Some people have worked on their breakup for some time, feel healed, yet learn new and beneficial things years later.

I sincerely think that this bad experience with a such toxic woman will only help me to become someone stronger and better... .more aware of redflags from the very start of my next r/s. Also, I need to respect myself more when I fall in love, stop getting lost to cherish my partner, trying to never forget who I am genuinely!

A great statement  Good luck and be rested.