BPDx insists on in-person communication

[BonusMom]

My boyfriend's BPDx continues to try to manipulate the parenting agreement to her benefit. When my bf emailed her some specific questions about her proposed vacation with their girls (where she's trying to get away for 2+ weeks on a technicality, that his attoenwy said wouldn't stand up in mediation), she refused to answer. Instead, she's insisting on meeting in person with him on her terms "for 2 hours" to discuss the "spirit of the parenting agreement." He's been practicing limited contact (among other boundaries) with her, and she doesn't like the boundaries. He's considering responding with, "I prefer email communication. If that's not possible, I prefer we meet with a mediator present." Thoughts on the repsonse?

[Ishenuts]

What would be the benefit to him to meet with her? None! She is incapable of compromise so it just gives her an opportunity to tell him "how it is", only according to her! You said his lawyer told him her plan for vacation wouldn't hold up in mediation. Is there an upcoming mediation planned? I think it is wise of him to hold his ground and get everything in writing!

Good luck to him!

[BonusMom]

Exactly! Thanks, Ishenuts!

[Panda39]

"I prefer email communication. If that's not possible, I prefer we meet with a mediator present."

I think that is just perfect.  It sets a boundary that protects your boyfriend from all the lies, he said/she said, conflict, and drama that a face to face would create.  It puts him in control of the situation not her her.  It also allows for either documentation (email) or a outside witness (mediator) of what was said.

My SO's uBPDxw would also try the "lets get together" and talk about the girls tactic and it never lead anywhere... .just a way to engage.

Panda39

[Thunderstruck]

I think that response is perfect.

I would warn against any in-person contact. BPDs have been known to use it to instigate conflict.

I read somewhere of a BPD who went to dinner with their non-x, they both had some wine, and the BPD called the police to get the non arrested for a DUI. I also know that our uBPDbm frequently acts out at in-person exchanges (even though they occur at a police station) and has used them to ratchet up the drama and get my SD11 worked up. uBPDbm has also filed three restraining orders against my DH (all dismissed). When we first started dating (before DH knew better) DH would go over to uBPDbm's place to see SD and uBPDbm would claim to me that they were having sex to try to break us up. Conflict conflict conflict. Our situation has become much more peaceful since switching to Our Family Wizard for communication.

[BonusMom]

I forgot to answer Ishenuts. No, there isn't a mediation planned -- yet. In our state, that is the next step when there is unresolved conflict about or changes that need to be made to the parenting agreement. I've guessed with her behavior over the past (almost) 2 years since their divorce that they might be heading back to mediation because she doesn't want to adhere to the parenting agreement.

His boundaries have gotten stronger with her recently -- including limited contact and insisting on following the parenting agreement. I see it as she is having her tantrum or extinction burst. If it does go to mediation, there are a few other issues that he will address, including her taking the girls out of school excessively for her vacations, hygiene standards for the girls, and hopefully also a way to modify the part of the agreement that when a response is necessary to any non-emergency questions that relate the girls, he should respond within 48 hours. She saw that detail and has been contacting him excessively, while he is wanting to practice only necessary, limited contact with her.

Thank you, Panda. She has been trying SO desperately to engage him since she's lost control of him. You validated what I've been telling him and how he feels. When they've met in person, she's twisted things they've discussed and has said afterward he agreed to things he did not. He's very uncomfortable with her in person. Things do need to be documented with her, and I think she knows that. That's why she's refusing to answer his questions via email -- questions like, ":)o you think it's good for the girls to be away from either parent that long?" And, "Are you planning to withdraw the girls from school for that vacation?" She answered his first email with a voice message insisting on getting together in person to discuss "the spirit of the parenting agreement... .we're treating symptoms and not the underlying cause, and once we do that, things will be fine,"    "We'll need 2 hours, and it can't be on my time with the girls. Send me 3 dates," and his second email asking if she could please answer his questions was met with, "I left you a voice message." 

So, unless something changes, it looks like they'll let a mediator handle it.

[BonusMom]

Thunderstruck, I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with so much.

Yes, his BPDxw feeds off of conflict and drama, so we try to keep communication only to what's necessary and NOT in person. I've suggested Our Family Wizard to him, and he's going to check it out. It looks awesome! Maybe that can be brought up in mediation. How did you get your BPD person to agree to use it?

[Thunderstruck]

Thunderstruck, I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with so much.

Yes, his BPDxw feeds off of conflict and drama, so we try to keep communication only to what's necessary and NOT in person. I've suggested Our Family Wizard to him, and he's going to check it out. It looks awesome! Maybe that can be brought up in mediation. How did you get your BPD person to agree to use it?

Yeah, uBPDbm is a little less functioning than some... .and very vengeful.

We made a motion to the court and she didn't show up to contest it so it was granted. uBPDbm claimed to be poor so we've had to pay for it. I think it has been ~$200/year.

Judge #1 put in our temp court order that both parents are to communicate by OFW only so we stick to that boundary. DH will not answer when she tries to text or call. uBPDbm refused to log in for weeks and read messages (she claimed DH was harassing her  ) so Judge #2 had to put a clause that both parents are to log in and respond daily to messages.

Of course, she still tries to twist things around or say "I didn't do/say that"... .it's nice to have it documented in OFW (and easier for the courts to read).

[bravhart1]

I agree with the above^^, ANY communication should be ( for your protection) in writing only.

We have even had to cut out text messages as were too inflammatory and drama producing, so just make it DH's rule, email only.

If she doesn't like it, she could be told to "lump it". DH has a right to ask for communication in writing if he likes. 

If we had gone to that in the first year, it would have saved us a LOT of drama, and documented for the court just how unreasonable she was. She kept communication her way for the first three years and fought tooth and nail to keep it on her terms when we tried to change it, after we went to email only(and everything else went unanswered), her true colors were obvious to all.

Best of luck.

[Turkish]

BPDx is asking for a rescue.

I don't have much to add to the sage advice already given. I do, however, understand the feelings of anxiety, perhaps, that might drive the need to accommodate, even if in communication and not in reality. BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, in combination with SET) isn't wrong.

Or BIF: " No." 

No JADEing excuses, "I'm busy," nor explanations. I think of it as a business,.the business of raising the kids. I get on fairly well with my Ex now, a large part due to this community  . I have in the past, however, needed to assert my boundaries with simple "noes."

[Nope]

Our court order says communication is to be primarily through email and information about the kid's scheduled activities and appointments is to go in OFW. We typically keep communication to email only with very occasional texting if something immediate comes up. She hasn't logged into OFW in ten months, though we keep the schedule updated as the court order requires. Honestly DH would have always done email only except she denied having an email address.