NC part 2

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am angry... .incredibly so... .but I've been trying my hardest to surpress it. I battle with thoughts of hurting her. With hurting myself. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let my anger out. I don't like being angry. It consumes me. I don't fantasize about hiring a hitman... .I fantasize about doing it myself. There's a part of me who wants to make her suffer like she is making me suffer.

I'm terrified to let my anger out. I've never been this hurt before.

Thanks Jerry. That means a lot to me.

[gundam94]

I am angry... .incredibly so... .but I've been trying my hardest to surpress it. I battle with thoughts of hurting her. With hurting myself. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let my anger out. I don't like being angry. It consumes me. I don't fantasize about hiring a hitman... .I fantasize about doing it myself. There's a part of me who wants to make her suffer like she is making me suffer.

I'm terrified to let my anger out. I've never been this hurt before.

Thanks Jerry. That means a lot to me.

[WoundedBibi]

I am angry... .incredibly so... .but I've been trying my hardest to surpress it.

For me that explains why you've been feeling so low. Suppressed anger is very unhealthy.

I battle with thoughts of hurting her. With hurting myself. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let my anger out.

Your mind is a free place. You are allowed to think anything you want. As long as you don't actual punch her, you can punch her in your mind all you want. You can punch a bag or a pillow and pretend it is her. IMO you suppressing your anger is leading to having thoughts about hurting yourself. There is no reason to hurt yourself.

What are you so afraid of? That you will not be able to control your anger? The longer you will suppress it the more uncontrollable it will become. Suppressing your anger is making it bigger, not smaller.

As long as you are just thinking angry thoughts, screaming into a pillow, taking it out on a punching bag, letting it out in a controlled environment where you cannot actually hurt her, what could go wrong? If it feels too big to deal with on your own, ask someone you trust to be in the room while you scream into a pillow or rip up phone books. Can you perhaps take boxing classes somewhere? Stop suppressing your anger. It's the suppressing that is consuming you, not the anger itself.

With being so afraid of your anger you're doing (on a smaller scale) the same thing pwBPD do; "can't admit I've done something bad, that means I'm bad. Can't allow that feeling in. It's too big. If I let my fear in it will consume me. It will kill me. So, let's pretend it's not there and do something to suppress it. Ah... nice pile of white Columbian nosepowder, that will do me"

I don't like being angry. It consumes me. I don't fantasize about hiring a hitman... .I fantasize about doing it myself. There's a part of me who wants to make her suffer like she is making me suffer.

The longer you suppress it the angrier you will become. The more it will consume you.

I've done that too. So what? In my fantasy I was an excellent snipe shooter (don't want to get caught of course... ). I can fantasize all I want. As long as I don't actually do it, it's fine.

The longer you wait with letting your anger out in a healthy way, the bigger it will become and how lower you will feel.

I'm terrified to let my anger out. I've never been this hurt before.

Talk to your T about ways to let it out in a healthy way. In a safe environment. That will prevent you exploding at some point. The suppressing won't.

The emotion itself cannot harm you. Being angry won't kill you. Unless you have a weak heart and you turn into the Hulk.

Being angry and letting it out with the wrong people at the wrong time, that might end up less healthy. It's how you let your anger out, what actions follow the emotion that you need to control, not the emotion itself.

[gundam94]

I'm going to try Bibi. And yes that is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid I won't be able to control my anger.

I... .I don't want to be an angry person. That's one of the things she said I did that drove her away from me. I don't want to be that person. I know I'm angry... .I've always been an angry person. I don't want to be anymore. I know her words were all lies but they still affect me a great deal.

[troisette]

I second  what Bibi said gundam.

It's good to feel anger, can be cathartic and  don't feel guilty about feeling it - turning it in on ourselves can be damaging. There are different ways of expressing anger, not all are destructive. Even nice, kind people feel angry!

When my ex was in the idealisation phase he constantly told me how kind and gentle I am. I always replied ":)on't mistake my kindness for weakness". It's possible to be both strong and kind.

He didn't believe me, thinking he could behave abominably and kind, gentle me would put up with it. It came back to bite him on the backside during the five months of game playing after our split when, although I was breaking up inside, I stood firm and would not capitulate and then when I went nc.

In order to help others, we have to know how to look after ourselves. It's an ongoing thing.

This may help you - I don't have the link but if you look up Dr Steve Jones on YouTube, one of his hypno vids is there. It's about breaking free of past relationships, I found it very helpful because it assists in letting go of the good memories, those memories that keep us bound to our ex.

[gotbushels]

Gundam it would help to find healthy ways to express anger like troisette suggested.

Try not to let the problems from the situations with your ex compound.

Remember that destructive outlets are not long-term solutions as the anger often returns.

[gundam94]

So there's been something that's really been weighing on me. For the past month I've been writing an email to my ex. It's everything I have wanted to say to her. I sent it to a few friends that now me very well. I was told it wasn't mean. It was very matter of fact. It was very real and very truthful.

I sent it to her today. Her reaction was... .interesting... .actually it was funny. She didn't respond to me... .she went to my friend. The same friend that told me about her new boyfriend. It was "I'm terrified. He sent me a threatening email. He said horrible things about me. He said I'm b!tchy, I'm self absorbed. I know I'm imperfect. I don't need him to tell me that. Please don't tell him anything about me. If you ever cared about me please don't tell him anything about me. Tell him to leave me alone. I'm happy. Very happy."

I couldn't believe what my friend was telling me. It was so pathetic. She was playing the victim, like it was a play. It was unreal. I can't believe I feel in love with this woman. I can't believe I was going to ask her to marry me. I still miss her and still love her... .but it's for the woman I fell in love with. Not this horrible person she's turned into. She has changed over these past 2 years. She has become very elitest and entitled. It's a complete 180 of what she used to be. It turns out I'm not only one who's noticed it... .

Because:

I also found out the other girl we both loved like a sister, the one that's moving to Seattle, doesn't like her anymore. Turns out my ex has been ignoring her and treating her like crap. It makes me angry how badly my ex has treated... .let's call her N. N has struggled with depression her whole life. N was even hospitalized for it last her for 3 months. I stood by her, my ex didn't. I didn't know that. That makes me very angry.

I'm still upset. I still miss her. I still love her... .but it somehow feels good to have her react the way she did. It's a strange feeling. I don't really know how to feel. It's really strange to see her react like that with an eye on BPD... .her reaction fit it really well.

[JerryRG]

Hey gundam

I'm in AA

Step 9. - Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

My sponsor has discussed this many times with me, we both agree I'm not ready for making amends. He wants me to do this in person with her and I'm NO F*****G WAY!

One day I will, it is necessary for us (alcoholics) to clean up our side of the street to move forward. In these amends we concintrate only on things we did to others and do not mention the other persons faults whatsoever.

Exsmple: I was wrong for doing, saying, acting, a certain way.

The reason I bring this up is this is what I believe the only way anyone can communicate with an expbd. My ex sent me a text a while back stating she wrote a letter forgiving me.

See the difference? I cannot lose my dignity buy sticking only to what I did wrong, she's stuck in victim mode 24/7. I would give her no amunition to turn the tables on me and i walk away with peace of mind.

The only reference I make to her would be a small disclaimer stating these amends should in no way be interpreted as an attempt to be friends in the future or nor do I wish any contact with you beyond this point.

This allows me 100% control and leaving her bs in her lap, I've cleaned my conscience and she has nothing to manipulate me with.

I'm sure she will love hearing from me to stroke her ego but I'm commited to NC, if one day she becomes sane she may realize how much I loved and gave her and I'm not holding my breath.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm trying to empower you. I truly believe my ex loves being a victum. I'm not going to arm her any more, bounderies is one thing she has never respected.

Have a great night gundam

[once removed]

hey gundam94 

have you had an opportunity to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[gundam94]

I hope everybody had a happy Easter. I spent mine with family but it was still very difficult. I cried a lot. I do feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me after sending my ex that email. I got everything off of my chest and it feels great. If anybody wants to read it I can PM it to you. I am never going to contact my ex again. I said what I needed to say.

I'm trying to go out and meet new people. I talked with my roommate and the next time he goes out with friends he said I'm more then welcome to tag along. I talked with my step sister. Asked her if the next time she and her husband get together with friends if I could tag along. She told me that all of her friends are either married or seeing someone.

That's when I realized that most of my friends are married as well. I realized that I'm probably not going to meet someone while I volunteer. That it's going to be difficult to find someone my age whose single. That kind of made everything come crashing down. Like I've said before, the only thing I have ever wanted is a family of my own. I am just so lonely. I am constantly told that I don't need anybody to be happy. That I should love myself and to a point I do. But I can't help thinking “why should I love myself if I can't find anybody else to love me”. I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone. I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to give up... .I want to give up so badly.

As horrible as it sounds... .she was the reason I went to the gym. The reason why I ate healthy. The reason why I took care of myself. Because I wanted all the time with her that I could get. No that I'm alone and I feel so awful... .I find myself thinking why would I want to take care of myself?

[lunchbox123]

That's when I realized that most of my friends are married as well. I realized that I'm probably not going to meet someone while I volunteer. That it's going to be difficult to find someone my age whose single.

From your username I gather you are in your early 20s. You seem like a genuine and loving guy so don't beat yourself up.

It might not happen today, but I promise you this. You're going through the hell of heartbreak right now, your first thought in the morning his her, your last thought at night, you're feeling incredibly low days, thinking your world was going to end. At some point you learn to live with that pain, it just becomes a part of life and a memory that slowly fades.

Then one day you're gonna be out and about doing your thing when you meet someone and those feeling you had when you first saw your ex, that feeling of excitement will come rushing back. Except this time she doesn't even pop into your head, all you can think about is this new girl you just saw and all that pain you're feeling now will be long forgotten.

[gundam94]

Thanks lunchbox. You're right. I think of her first and last every day. It's honestly my living hell that I'd give anything for it to go away. And I'm going to be 30 this year.

[gundam94]

I'm sorry to post this again... .but I'm struggling again. I was told today that the kids and staff at my old volunteer post really miss me. That was very hard to hear... .because I miss them too.

I continue to reconnect with old friends and I'm trying to fill my time with things I like to do... .but there's still a giant hole in my life and in myself. I have a very supportive family, who I can and have been heavily leaning on. But I still feel so empty.

I opened an online dating account. Not to start dating, but to just meet some new people. I've been chatting with a few women. But I feel terrible. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex and I'm not even looking to date anybody. My T says that will pass in time... .I hope it does. The more I try not to think about her, the more I think about her.

I'm trying to let my anger out. It comes out as crying usually but at least I'm letting it out.

I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I have lost a person that was everything to me. I don't know how to just walk away from that.

It seems like I'm just posting the same thing over and over again... .and I guess I am. I just hurt so much... .God I miss her. I feel like a drug addicted. I need her so bad.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm sorry to post this again... .but I'm struggling again. I was told today that the kids and staff at my old volunteer post really miss me. That was very hard to hear... .because I miss them too.

I continue to reconnect with old friends and I'm trying to fill my time with things I like to do... .but there's still a giant hole in my life and in myself. I have a very supportive family, who I can and have been heavily leaning on. But I still feel so empty.

I opened an online dating account. Not to start dating, but to just meet some new people. I've been chatting with a few women. But I feel terrible. I feel like I'm cheating on my ex and I'm not even looking to date anybody. My T says that will pass in time... .I hope it does. The more I try not to think about her, the more I think about her.

I'm trying to let my anger out. It comes out as crying usually but at least I'm letting it out.

I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I have lost a person that was everything to me. I don't know how to just walk away from that.

It seems like I'm just posting the same thing over and over again... .and I guess I am. I just hurt so much... .God I miss her. I feel like a drug addicted. I need her so bad.

Don't feel bad about repeating yourself. We all do that. Healing, detaching is not linear.

You're trying to move forward, that's good.

Let's try and look at the staff & kids missing you in a different light. They miss YOU. They like YOU. Isn't that wonderful? The kids at your new volunteer job will feel the same soon. And at some point you might have to choose between the old (when she has buggered off) and the new. They will be fighting over you 

You're not cheating on your ex. She is your ex. You don't have to date though if you don't want to or if you're not ready. The feeling of emptiness will become less over time. At least you're out and about, you're not sitting behind the net curtains watching life pass by.

The more you force yourself not to think of her, the more you will. Stop forcing yourself. It might be more difficult at first, but if it does, if you think of her look at the list of things she did/was that you do not want in your life. It will become less.

At least you're letting your feelings out. Behind anger there is often sadness and fear. If this is the way for you to express it right now than that's fine.

You're not "just walking away". If you did you wouldn't be on this board.

You need to detach and every day you will do that a little more.

You don't miss her. Not all of her. You miss the nice times and things.

You are a drug addict right now and you're showing signs of withdrawal.

You don't NEED her. You want her. There's a difference. A junky wants his drugs, he doesn't need them, although he feels he does and even though the drugs will kill him.

[gundam94]

Thanks Bibi. You always seem to say just what I need to hear and I very much appreciate it.

I'm not ashamed to say I am very very scared. The person I thought, no I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with is gone. I continue to learn just how badly she has treated people around her. I'm continuously surprised by how blind I was to everything. How I took everything she said at face value. How I hardly questioned anything. I'm still finding it hard to believe that I never really knew her or if she's just changed that much in these 2 years. The people that were once close to her (me, the 2 "little sisters" K & N, and her mother figure) have all agreed that she isn't the same person we all used to know. But then again the girl I fell in love with wouldn't do what she did... .

I just... .I just get so exhausted. I want to give up. I want to give up so badly.

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks Bibi. You always seem to say just what I need to hear and I very much appreciate it.

You're welcome 

I'm not ashamed to say I am very very scared. The person I thought, no I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with is gone. I continue to learn just how badly she has treated people around her. I'm continuously surprised by how blind I was to everything. How I took everything she said at face value. How I hardly questioned anything. I'm still finding it hard to believe that I never really knew her or if she's just changed that much in these 2 years. The people that were once close to her (me, the 2 "little sisters" K & N, and her mother figure) have all agreed that she isn't the same person we all used to know. But then again the girl I fell in love with wouldn't do what she did... .

The girl you knew, the girl you fell in love with is only part of her. Don't fall into the BPD trap of seeing someone just as white (the start) or black (now). The black part was always there. She just didn't show it. She knows what happens when she does. She just can't suppress her black side for ever. So out it popped.

It's not that they aren't genuine, pwBPD. They just have a lot of conflicting and rapidly shifting emotions. They love you one minute, and mean it, and hate you the next, and mean it.

I just... .I just get so exhausted. I want to give up. I want to give up so badly.

The roller coaster of the breakup can be as bad as the roller coaster of the relationship. Roller coasters are exhausting. Not to mention they make me feel nauseous...

Give up? And miss out on all the beautiful things life still has in store for you? Miss the places you'll, the people you'll meet? No way!

Your life is more than just this one relationship. She was just a passerby.

[gundam94]

I'm going to sound like a drug addicted here but... .every day without her is torture. I feel so empty and alone. I miss her voice, I miss her smile, I miss the way her face would light up when she saw me.

I loved her with every part of who I am... .when she left it felt like she took everything from me. I feel like she took the best piece of me and I don't know how to get it back. I keep fooling myself, thinking that one day she'll see her mistake and come back. I keep fooling myself into thinking if she and I are truly meant to be together, then we'll be together. I want to believe this pain will stop in time but I honestly don't see how it can.

Does she have any idea what she's done to me? Does she have any idea just how much she's hurt me? Does she have any idea how much I love her or how important she is to me? She has hurt me so much... .I feel like a broken shell of a man. Like there's nothing left in me but emptiness, sadness and anger. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. She was my light. I am so lonely.

[gotbushels]

Hey gundam. I'm sorry to hear how things have been for you in the last day or so. Sometimes grieving a loss of a relationship can take some time. Girls sometimes eat ice cream with each other and watch sad movies. They also need to deal with their girl things. On the bright side, as a guy, you wouldn't normally have to worry about those things!

Different strategy from me. You mentioned lying and cheating are your dealbreakers. Doesn't it irk you when you think of her lying and cheating? Sometimes we would do best to be 'unkind' to ourselves in the short run to be 'kind' to ourselves in the long run. An example would be (in the short run) "it feels somewhat good to think about her", therefore one thinks about her. This may lead to a lot of sadness (in the long run). So we can cut that cycle by 'snapping' ourselves out of it and doing something positive. If you have the magical advantage of knowing where a batter is going to hit the ball, wouldn't it serve you better to run to that spot first? He's gonna hit it there anyway.

I advise against the icecream and sitting at home.

[gundam94]

I'm sorry gotbushels. I don't really understand what you're saying.

[gotbushels]

Lol which part?

[gundam94]

Gotbushels: Your second paragraph. And it really bothers me that she lied and cheated on me... .but at the same time my love for her over rules that. I guess I'm just a big idiot because I want to forgive her. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.


K just posted a picture on Facebook from 2 years ago. K, N, me and my ex are in it. We look so happy. It's brought back a lot of painful memories. God... I'd give absolutely anything, anything to go back to that time. I miss her so much. I just... .I just wish I knew what was going to happen. Just a glimpse into my future. I just want to know if I'm going to be ok. I just want to know if I'm going to be happy. I just want to know if I'm going to find someone I will love as much as her.

[troisette]

Hi gundum - I've been reading your posts since Easter. Seems to me that you are moving (although it might feel like trudging) along the the beginning of the path of recovery.

That may seem ridiculous considering the misery you describe, but you are also talking about feeling angry, you are questioning what happened, you are  making tentative steps to new connections.

All good! I recognise the swings, the feeling of pointlessness BUT you have taken the first step.

Chinese proverb: A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. In other words, considering a thousand miles is daunting. And it's not a direct route, but one step after another takes us there. Take heart, you've started your journey.  

[gotbushels]

Gotbushels: Your second paragraph. And it really bothers me that she lied and cheated on me... .but at the same time my love for her over rules that. I guess I'm just a big idiot because I want to forgive her. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

I see. Not judging per usual gundam. I like how things have gone for you over the last few weeks as well.

Well I'm not going to go through the whole shebang here--out of my ability.

It's important to be particular about what things mean to you. Think about your boundaries. No rights no wrong, yeah? I want to help you think about what matters to you.

There are limits and boundaries. There is flexibility and there is rigidity, depending on the specific limit. Usually, there is no blanket rule. Good news is you are in charge of setting them for yourself. A dealbreaker is usually a term to terminate a relationship. 

"And it really bothers me that she lied and cheated on me... .but at the same time my love for her over rules that." Okay. This indicates that lying and cheating to you is a limit that is not a "dealbreaker". No worries. What your limits and dealbreakers are lays within you. The actual answer lays inside you. Recall we only have limits if we believe in them. The next step after that is enforcing them. At this point, it would benefit you to get clear on your limits. There is no right and wrong, but go and figure it out. It will help you to clear this up for yourself. It will help you resolve what is happening here and will protect you if this question comes up for you in the future. What if the next woman is the "love of your life" and she cheats on you, what then? How many times are you going to tolerate that? Once you've figured it out, on your own or with your T even, write it down.

"I guess I'm just a big idiot because I want to forgive her." No. Judging yourself isn't going to help you get clear on things that are healthy to you.



"I believe everyone deserves a second chance." Depends on your limit.