Could she not know these statements would hurt me--even after I said they do?

[BowlOfPetunias]

My wife insists that invalidating my concerns about our finances by saying that I am "afraid to live life because of things that might happen" was not "meant to hurt" me.  She has said this repeatedly, especially about my opposition to a trip to Disney we can't afford and a bar mitzvah party that we had even though we have lots and lots of other expenses we are behind on.  I told her that it hurt me because it (at least) implies that I am a coward and my fears are irrational.  Since the bar mitzvah, we have indeed several things that "might happen," including unexpected medical expenses and thousands of dollars in owed taxes. 

Years ago, she discounted my financial concerns about not being in a position to have a second child by saying that I was being a "coward like [my] father" by worrying about "what might happen."  My father was obsessive-compulsive and had feared things like people reporting him to the police for minor traffic problems.  These problems were so bad that he actually caused traffic problems by trying to avoid them (driving way below the speed limit, for example) or obsessively returning to the scene of the "crime" (minor digression, often imagined) to go over what had happened.

She denies that asking me how my diet was going when her friend was being lifted on a chair during her son's bar mitzvah was meant to be hurtful.  First, I could not take a joke.  Then, of course, she had been speaking about both of us needing to lose weight.  Then, OK, it was insensitive, but she would never say anything to hurt me on purpose.  At the same party, she had the nerve to ask me how she should ask her friend about health issues so that she did not offend her friend by saying that she was fat!

Several years ago, she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that her biological mother (who was visiting) had told her I looked "bloated."  She has previously acknowledged doing this, but now insists it never happened. 

When our son was a toddler, I was unemployed and looking for work.  My wife insisted that I not let him watch television, so I had to be constantly monitoring him.  If I tried to use the exercise bike, he would insist on trying to climb up on it with me.  I started temping and my son went into daycare, but I still did not have any free time to exercise between the search for a real job and the child rearing without being able to let him be occupied with television.  She called me up at work and told me I was fat.  She "expressed concern" that I was "out of shape" WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX because I was having difficulty breathing.  I told her that really hurt me, but I held my tongue about why I was having difficulty breathing--she was lying on top of me and her weight was making it difficult for me to draw in air.  I did not want to make her feel bad for being overweight.  Since then, I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and responded t by eating better, exercising when I can, and losing weight.  My wife now says that she needs to lose weight, but this decision has not led her to actually change her eating or exercise habits. 

Given that I have told her many times that saying I am overly and/or irrationally afraid or that I am fat hurts my feelings, how could she not have meant to hurt my feelings when she said these things over and over again?  Was she really that delusional at the time she was saying them?  Is she now rewriting the facts (and really believing her alternate history) in order to deny responsibility for her actions because she does not want to feel bad?  Or is she really aware how mean she has been and thinks that she can talk me into believing that she was not to blame for her actions?

Another strategy she has used is to say, "I was not being inconsiderate.  I just didn't think about your feelings."  In other words, she was not considering my feelings!  The rationale is that it is OK to hurt me as long as she doesn't "mean to" do it and that she does not have to think about what she is going to say or do before hand because that is "just the way [she] is."  (Yes, I do get the, "You know I don't mean things the way they come out.  That's just the way I am."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[C.Stein]

My ex would also announce she something she was going to say or do might upset or hurt me ... .but that didn't stop her from doing it.  It's almost like by warning me that made it OK to do it. 

With regard to your wife's comments on your weight I suspect she is projecting her own insecurities about her weight onto you.  The worse she feels about herself the more grief you get.  Perhaps if you can see it for this it will be easier for you to shrug off the hurtful comments and digs?

[an0ught]

Hi BowlOfPetunias,

oh no, not again  

So this is explained in my 101 thread here where I once had the grand plan to explain more but got stuck at explaining emotional regulation. In short: This is not intentional but instinctive functional and are the root of the emotional regulation of her and the instability of the relationship. She invalidates you not to hurt for fun you but to have a hurt person around as the latter is quite validating when she is feeling down. While she knows on a cognitive level that this is hurting you that level is temporarily shut down and on an emotional level she is acting just the opposite since her need for validation right now is overriding.

Strategies to counter are boundaries or validation. Validation needs to be really negative and express pain/anger to get through. One option may be to display upset (stance), anger (raised voice) and finally steam out of the room announcing your return time. Then I recommend taking a deep breath and getting some ice cream. Life is too short to not enjoy it  .

More in the linked thread.