Can she really be that toxic?

[unicorn2014]

I've been turning this around and around in my head, talked about it with someone, and its still bothering me.

Over the weekend I got a series of texts from my mother about having my daughter over for spring break. That would be fine except for the fact that my daughter's spring break is not for a few weeks and my mom was treating it like it was next week. Well, I found out from my brother last night that he thought my daughter's spring break was next week. He and my parents were going to split the week. When I clarified for my mother that my daughter's spring break was in a few weeks she didn't respond. Meanwhile I'm climbing the walls with frustration.

My mom can't even talk to me on the phone anymore, now its text message only.

If you thought letting go of the fantasy dad was hard, letting go of the fantasy mom is even harder. My dad has npd traits, my mom on the other hand? She's got traits of the waif, hermit, queen and witch all rolled up in one.

I hate feeling so powerless, like there's nothing I can do about how frustrated I feel.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

When I clarified for my mother that my daughter's spring break was in a few weeks she didn't respond. Meanwhile I'm climbing the walls with frustration.

What is it that frustrates you the most about what happened? Is it that your brother and mother made plans concerning your daughter without consulting you that frustrates you? Or perhaps more that your mother did not respond to you?

My mom can't even talk to me on the phone anymore, now its text message only.

How long has this been the case that your mother only communicates via text message with you? How does it make you feel to only communicate with her via text now?

If you thought letting go of the fantasy dad was hard, letting go of the fantasy mom is even harder. My dad has npd traits, my mom on the other hand? She's got traits of the waif, hermit, queen and witch all rolled up in one.

I hate feeling so powerless, like there's nothing I can do about how frustrated I feel.

When I consider what you say here, it appears a large part of your frustration has to do with your struggle to accept the reality of your parents' disorder. Acceptance is hard indeed. Though it would be more pleasant if your disordered parents behaved differently, the reality is that they are the way they are and quite possibly won't ever change. And even if at some point they do change, that isn't something you can control. Something that might help you feel less powerless, is focusing more on what you can do and your own behavior and response, regardless of how your parents behave. Lowering your expectations of your parents, perhaps even drastically lowering them might make it easier for you to deal with their behavior and might leave you feeling less frustrated.

[unicorn2014]

What frustrates me is that she wouldn't listen to me when I told her my daughter's spring break wasn't for three weeks and it wasn't until my brother asked me about spring break that I realized my mom thought it was next week because my brother's spring break is next week. My parents and my brother are going to split the week. My SO had suggested that my mother might not have the time in a few weeks.

This texting thing is new. I noticed the last time I called her she didn't return my phone call. It may not be anything personal, she may just prefer texting.

I think what's so triggering for me is the more I realize how badly my mother is treating me now the more I realize how badly she must have treated me when I was a child and adolescent and that scares me. I have diagnosed PTSD, I have to take medication, it's affected my ability to work, this isn't a joke or an act. Last night I had terrible dreams about the city I grew up in. I have these dreams frequently. The whole trajectory of my life up until now has been dictated by decisions my mother made regarding me.

I guess for the first time in my life I finally feel free and as a result I am really able to assess the damage and what I see frightens me.

[Kwamina]

I think what's so triggering for me is the more I realize how badly my mother is treating me now the more I realize how badly she must have treated me when I was a child and adolescent and that scares me. I have diagnosed PTSD, I have to take medication, it's affected my ability to work, this isn't a joke or an act. Last night I had terrible dreams about the city I grew up in. I have these dreams frequently. The whole trajectory of my life up until now has been dictated by decisions my mother made regarding me.

I guess for the first time in my life I finally feel free and as a result I am really able to assess the damage and what I see frightens me.

PTSD is a serious condition and I am sorry it has affected you so much.

What exactly happens in the dreams you have in the city you grew up in? What aspects of these dreams frighten you? Is your mother also present in these dreams?

Liberating yet scary, something I can definitely relate to! I have felt the same way, to me it felt like waking up after a long nightmare only to discover the true harshness of the reality I was living in. Coming out of denial or seeing things as they really are can be quite difficult indeed. This too is something I struggle with, it's part of the healing process yet can be quite overwhelming.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Kwamina, I dream about the emotional undertone in the places I lived. Often my mother is in those dreams. Right now its getting close to Easter so she sent me and my daughter a card, and she thought she was going to have my daughter over next week because she wasn't listening when I told her my daughter's spring break was next month. I called my dad Tuesday and told him I might be coming to the city today, then I called him yesterday and told him I would be going to the city tomorrow. He hasn't called me back. My mother hasn't returned my last text where I told her my daughter's spring break was next month.

[Kwamina]

Hi Kwamina, I dream about the emotional undertone in the places I lived. Often my mother is in those dreams.

Could you perhaps tell some more about the emotional undertone of those places? Could you put that emotional undertone into words?

Your mother is often in those dreams. What does she do in those dreams?

Right now its getting close to Easter so she sent me and my daughter a card, and she thought she was going to have my daughter over next week because she wasn't listening when I told her my daughter's spring break was next month. I called my dad Tuesday and told him I might be coming to the city today, then I called him yesterday and told him I would be going to the city tomorrow. He hasn't called me back. My mother hasn't returned my last text where I told her my daughter's spring break was next month.

I was thinking that your parents not responding to you might trigger something in you from your past. Like when parents ignore their children or give them the silent treatment. Do you feel like your parents ignored you when you were a child and/or gave you the silent treatment? And do you perhaps also feel like your parents not responding to you now might be triggering some old thoughts and emotions in you from your childhood?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Kwamina, my parents are very self centered and very self absorbed. Everything they do has to benefit them in some ways. I've learned not to get attached to them, not to look for support from them. That's the way it goes. I also have my SO help me with my mother, it seems she has an easier time talking to him then to me.