People are in ACOA to deal with similar FOO issues. I know it is hurtful to lose a sponsor. It does happen - both ways - people choose another sponsor, or a sponsor decides they can not help a person. I know it hurts, but considering the nature of the relationship, sometimes there is a mismatch, or the sponsor doesn't feel their help is effective.
This is the time to seek out another one if you wish.
However, this board is a collection of people who are relating to each other and in a sense, a place to practice relationship skills. Some feedback may be upsetting, but it could be valuable. If you have had several people show concern about enabling dysfunction, it could be something to look at.
Hi Not Wendy, I do have another sponsor, and the woman who was sponsoring me dropped out of the program. She felt she was enabling me to be verbally abused by my SO. That doesn't happen anymore. Its different then what people are saying to me here. She actually met my SO. When I would tell her about what he did to me it would trigger her because it would remind her of her father. There are other issues that caused her to drop me which had nothing to do with my SO.
I've never felt like I've enabled someone, probably because I've spent over a decade in Al-Anon, and have been working the 12 steps in one form or another since I was a teenager. Also I've seen people enable my ex, it is only when I started asking for help with my SO that people started talking about enabling me. Note: no professional has ever said anything like that.
I know from my own experience with my ex that talking about enabling someone can be a way of asserting superiority over them or judging them so I really try to refrain from that kind of language. I personally find it condemnatory and hurtful.
I try to apply what I've learned in 12 step programs to this board, such as no cross talk, no advice giving, but it can be hard.
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I should also add that my years in al-anon have taught me that often wanting to "help" someone is more about me then it is about them. I have very few urges to "help" people these days. In fact, I have plenty of opportunities to be of service right under my nose if I want to take them. I have a couple of woman I could offer to sponsor if I wanted to in 2 programs that I am in however my daughter is my first priority and being of service to her is my prime directive right now. I guess sometimes I feel a tad bit insulted by some of the things that are said to me here however I try to work past that because this is the only place I can come for help regarding being in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder. So I try to roll with the punches the best I can. I know from previous experience that online forums can be vicious so I always try to step back now when things get heated in the slightest.
