"I really enjoyed seeing you last night"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We worked through that issue the next morning, I guess that part got lost in the discussion. I can link to that when I get on my computer. I am dealing with a situation right now coming out of him telling me about what his mother said to him on the phone yesterday. I would like to post about it on a new thread however I don't want members to think they're enabling me or advising me on how to engage in conflict. Perhaps it might be better to post about my resentments and whether or not my relationship is healthy.

[unicorn2014]

We worked through that issue the next morning, I guess that part got lost in the discussion. I can link to that when I get on my computer. I am dealing with a situation right now coming out of him telling me about what his mother said to him on the phone yesterday. I would like to post about it on a new thread however I don't want members to think they're enabling me or advising me on how to engage in conflict. Perhaps it might be better to post about my resentments and whether or not my relationship is healthy.

[Sunfl0wer]

It seems we got as far as identifying a problem in this thread:

You have trouble telling your SO when you need space for sleep.

If you address your issues with taking space to recharge and self soothe, IMO, this would greatly enhance your life.

This is a repeating theme I have watched you struggle with.

We seem to get this far:

Identify the problem

Now you are moving onto:

Identify another problem

Next step I see:

Formulate a plan for taking space

Then:

Implement plan

You are making a choice to identify problems. (And sometimes identify tools)

You are making a choice to not take this further.

I am sorry that I cannot help you Unicorn.  This must be painful.  

[Notwendy]

One of our tasks is to decide which is our responsibility and what is not.

For instance, you- and anyone else- can start a post on something ( as long as the posts are in compliance with board guidelines- and this goes for responses too )

Other posters have the choice to reply or not.

The other posters are responsible for their own reply. If that is enabling, then they are also responsible for that.

You can choose to post, other can choose to reply or not. Then, it is up to you to decide what to consider in the replies to you, as they are free to say what they wish.

Just like in any relationship, the relationships with posters can come with emotions or advice that you like or don't like.  Also, sometimes information is useful whether we like it or not. Still, it is up to us to process anything someone says to us, accept it, or let it go. It is good practice in any interaction to know what is "our stuff" and what is not.

[unicorn2014]

SF, I apologize for my poor communication skills. What I was trying to say is I resolved the problem of needing to stand up for myself in regards to my need for sleep.

Not Wendy, I hear what you are saying. I did write up a post about my resentments which was suggested I do.

The enabling comment is a sore spot for me as I lost my ACA sponsor over this issue. She was an adult child of disordered parents and also had some BPD traits herself and she was triggered by my relationship with my SO. I'm still grieving the loss of that relationship so anything that reminds me of that makes me weary of saying anything further.

[Notwendy]

People are in ACOA to deal with similar FOO issues. I know it is hurtful to lose a sponsor. It does happen - both ways - people choose another sponsor, or a sponsor decides they can not help a person. I know it hurts, but considering the nature of the relationship, sometimes there is a mismatch, or the sponsor doesn't feel their help is effective.

This is the time to seek out another one if you wish.

However, this board is a collection of people who are relating to each other and in a sense, a place to practice relationship skills. Some feedback may be upsetting, but it could be valuable. If you have had several people show concern about enabling dysfunction, it could be something to look at.

[unicorn2014]

People are in ACOA to deal with similar FOO issues. I know it is hurtful to lose a sponsor. It does happen - both ways - people choose another sponsor, or a sponsor decides they can not help a person. I know it hurts, but considering the nature of the relationship, sometimes there is a mismatch, or the sponsor doesn't feel their help is effective.

This is the time to seek out another one if you wish.

However, this board is a collection of people who are relating to each other and in a sense, a place to practice relationship skills. Some feedback may be upsetting, but it could be valuable. If you have had several people show concern about enabling dysfunction, it could be something to look at.

Hi Not Wendy, I do have another sponsor, and the woman who was sponsoring me dropped out of the program. She felt she was enabling me to be verbally abused by my SO. That doesn't happen anymore. Its different then what people are saying to me here. She actually met my SO. When I would tell her about what he did to me it would trigger her because it would remind her of her father. There are other issues that caused her to drop me which had nothing to do with my SO.

I've never felt like I've enabled someone, probably because I've spent over a decade in Al-Anon, and have been working the 12 steps in one form or another since I was a teenager. Also I've seen people enable my ex, it is only when I started asking for help with my SO that people started talking about enabling me. Note: no professional has ever said anything like that.

I know from my own experience with my ex that talking about enabling someone can be a way of asserting superiority over them or judging them so I really try to refrain from that kind of language. I personally find it condemnatory and hurtful.

I try to apply what I've learned in 12 step programs to this board, such as no cross talk, no advice giving, but it can be hard.

____

I should also add that my years in al-anon have taught me that often wanting to "help" someone is more about me then it is about them. I have very few urges to "help" people these days. In fact, I have plenty of opportunities to be of service right under my nose if I want to take them. I have a couple of woman I could offer to sponsor if I wanted to in 2 programs that I am in however my daughter is my first priority and being of service to her is my prime directive right now. I guess sometimes I feel a tad bit insulted  by some of the things that are said to me here however I try to work past that because this is the only place I can come for help regarding being in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder. So I try to roll with the punches the best I can. I know from previous experience that online forums can be vicious so I always try to step back now when things get heated in the slightest.

[Kwamina]

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