How I Overcame Narcissistic Abuse

[JerryRG]

Just watched spartanlifecoach, How I overcame narcissistic abuse

Now I know my mother was narcissistic, watching this video presented why I set myself up for the relationship with my ex BPDgf. Abuse and chaos were the norm during my growing up. I was surrounded by illogical abusive narcs. I wasn't allowed to make the simplest of choices about anything. I certainly was kept in the dark about reality for the sake of their control over my life.

Never was one to blame my parents for my problems. I know how I got here, I need to make healthy choices to get myself out of this business of lies and deceit and living naively.

Yes BPD is real, these people are extremely disturbed and yes what they do whether intentiinal or not is damaging to us. Going NC is the only choice I have right now to save myself.

I am beginning to see my ex more as she really is, I used to fear her horribly but as the video has shown me, no one should take anyone this messed up serious. That is and was one of my most fatal assumptions concerning my ex. I gave her so much power over me, just like I did my narc mother and alcoholic father.

They were sick, I don't have to listen or fear them anymore. I made them God and they are just puny, disgusting, hurtful excuses for human beings. Anyone who dilerberatly destroys others is in my judgement not to be listened to or respected.

Thank you spartinlifecoach and all of you. Knowledge is power and the key to my escape to freedom and live in reality.

I need to add that in order for anyone to control us they must first convince us they know more and in my case my narcs kept me in an unreal world set up so they run the show without my being able to question them. I always knew my ex was crazy but I believe she knew more than me. She did, she knew how to be dishonest and manipulate me in ways I was unaware.

[JerryRG]

My ex is a paper tiger.

Pathetic excuse for a human being.

The only power she has is lies and manipulation

She's a bully,

She's small and weak.

She's disgusting to herself and others

She has no respect for herself or others

She demeans her body

She loves to hate

She's insecure

She's sarcastic and mean

She's selfish and rude.

She's demanding and thoughtless

She's petty and cruel

She's foul mouthed and dirty

She has no empithy

She's abusive

She has an ugly soul

She's a b___

She's sarcastic

She's lazy

She's jealous

She's unfair

You're  cold and empty

You abuse your body with drugs and alcohol

You prostitute yourself for money

You use people

You hurt people

You're own family is disgusted by you

You abuse our son

You swear all the time

Talk about disgusting things

Blame others

Never take responsibility

Accuse others

False stories of rape

Lies about abuse

Twist reality

No compassion

Hide behind a mask

You're a fake

Oh my yes she's a real treat and why the hell would any desent man want to be around her?

I kicked your dumb worthless ass out my door so many times for your disrespect and now I'm gone and getting well.

Goodbye b___ from hell

The truth is out, you are out, you make me SICK!

[gundam94]

Good job Jerry. I cannot wait until I reach your level. I'm still struggling to see my ex for the horrible person that she is.

[JerryRG]

Thanks gundam, I was reading your posts and seen bibi? Kind of gave us permission to let our anger out. All this is true. And people like my ex have burned down so many good lives.

Hope you get there soon buddy, they aren't worth our spit let alone allowing them to cause you any more pain. Blow them the hell out of our lives forever.

[JerryRG]

No matter how much lipstick you put on a pig, it's still a pig. Lol

[gundam94]

... .and I'm trying Jerry. I really am.

[JerryRG]

I know you are gundam, never give up

[gundam94]

I know you are gundam, never give up

I want to Jerry... .I want to so bad... .

And I'm sorry. I don't want to hijack your thread

[JerryRG]

That's what this forum is all about, don't worry about hijacking this thread, I'm ok tonight. If you're not then do whatever it takes to get through.

[gundam94]

That's what this forum is all about, don't worry about hijacking this thread, I'm ok tonight. If you're not then do whatever it takes to get through.

I'm not ok Jerry. I must have said this a hundred times... .but I try to be a good person... .why did this happen to me. I didn't, you didn't, nobody deserves this

[senegal_7]

Good for both of you! Adding the "ex" in front of BPDgf (or bf) is the best thing you can do for yourself. I was raised by a dad with BPD, his younger brother with NPD (and both had Dependent PD), and a wonderful mother who supported the entire family with little help from "the boys", so, wonderful as she is, she was rarely home... .Needless to say, I escaped to college when I was still 17 and still very damaged. Somehow, I made some good dating choices and managed to become a real person instead of daddy & uncle's puppet. Recently, though, that has all fallen apart - I dated not one but TWO disordered guys (not at the same time!  ). I pretty much had to restart the whole recovery process, thanks to them, but I got away from both bad relationships & have given myself space to recover and "become myself" again.

From my own experience, my advice:

Take time to be angry. Indulge, but don't wallow. Anger is natural, but holding on to it is a great way to get an ulcer and hurt your next romantic partner. Find ways to deal with the anger and let it go. It took me nearly 20 years to let go of all my anger from my childhood (maybe it would have taken less time if I had known about this website before last night or if I had seen a counselor, but I'm more or less good now, so that's... .good), so don't be surprised if you still find shreds of anger inside you even after you think you've "gotten over it." I'm mostly over my anger toward my second disordered ex, but it still flares up occasionally, forcing me to run until I want to puke (or destroy stuff, but I'm running out of junk mail to shred - I hope it warms up soon so I can start running again, or else my closet or dishrack will start to get a little empty... .)

Look at who you were, who you turned into because of your time in PD prison, and who you want to be. Maybe even write it down. I'm still trying to work out the "who I turned into" part, but I think that once I understand how the disordered people in my life forced me into being someone I hate, I'll be able to recognize the behaviors of others, disordered or not, that will be damaging to me. Understanding who you were before PD prison gives you a baseline - a model to begin rebuilding yourself after. Having a goal for yourself gives you something definite to work toward and, having that direction, makes it easier to work through the emotional baggage the *ahem* "female dogs" left behind. For example, before my time in PD jail, I was chill, easy-going, and goofy. The first disordered boyfriend (whom I left ~13 months ago) turned me into a self-conscious, overly-serious, depressed wreck. The second gem of a man (dumped ~5 months ago) added  "angry," "hyper-critical," and "b___y" to that list. I hated being that person! I want to be goofy & chill again, but I suspect that my easy-going nature (the "it's all good" or "whatever you do is fine by me" attitude) opened the door for these disordered guys to wreak emotional havoc on me. Instead of being accepting & tolerant of everyone's foibles, I'm going to try being more straight-forward. I won't "make nice" with people I don't like - not anymore. This might be the wrong thing to do, but I'm going to try it & see how it goes. At the very least, it feels more honest... .Anyway, that's what I mean by having a "personality goal."

Once you decide who you want to be, try to surround yourself with people who will help you get there. If you're just coming out of PD prison, chances are you don't have many (healthy) friends around. Reach out to the healthy ones, even if it means swallowing your pride and apologizing. (I definitely had to apologize to my family for not listening to their advice and for forcing them to spend time with either guy, even though they obviously didn't like the guys & thought I was making a huge mistake. I'm famous for sucking at apologies, so this was kind of a big deal for me.  ) Don't let enablers - people who will support your negative emotions - anywhere near you. If you can, try to have at least one person in your closest circle who understands your personality goals & will kick your butt (in a nice way!) if you get lazy or regress.

Most importantly, give yourself time. Enjoy being single! Enjoy the freedom of doing whatever you want, whenever you want, just because you want to - and not having to justify yourself to an irate partner afterward!

Also, gundam94, if you're having trouble hating your ex, I'd say that you're probably a very compassionate person. That's not a bad thing! You can use that compassion to work through your breakup. Understand her, understand why she is such a mess, understand why she is the worst thing for you, and then understand that you can do so much better. Feel sorry for her... .and be grateful that she's not in your life, hurting you anymore. Occasionally, I still miss my first disordered ex. Every time I think on him tenderly - of the good times we had - I remind myself of every bad time that I can dredge up. I don't do it to make myself unhappy, I do it to remind myself that I shouldn't sugar-coat my memories & that I shouldn't miss him - he doesn't deserve it. I've also finally accepted that I can't "save" him. He dug the emotional hole he's in - he's the only one who can get himself out of it. I already tried to dig him out, but he ended up pulling me down with him. This realization has brought me a lot of closure... .Do you feel like you're in the same place right now - regretting that you couldn't save your ex or feeling like you could have done more?

P.S. "Lipstick on a pig" - awesome image. Love it!

[JerryRG]

Hi Senegal, I agree, my family watched me turn into a depressed sick individual, lost almost 100 pounds with her which actually helped in the long run. I have AA and Alanon and church and all the wonderful people and family to focus on.

I still get angry but most because I didn't commit to leaving sooner. She's a nut case and everyone told me to run! Lol.

I did save her from killing herself a few dozen times, gave her my son so she had a reason to live. Yep I've done enough for that ex BPDgf pos ah .

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks gundam, I was reading your posts and seen bibi? Kind of gave us permission to let our anger out.

I didn't know you were waiting for my permission  

I think gundam94 needs to get angry, get it out, process the anger. Keeping it all in is unhealthy and leads to depression.

It's a tool though, get angry to get passed it. Not a goal. We shouldn't get stuck in it, wallow in it etc. That isn't healthy either. The learning and the healing is on the other side of anger.

Some pass the Anger Mountains quicker than others, some get through the Anger Mountains but go back every now & again. Some are stuck in the Plains of Pity or the Woods of Why's, both at the foot of the Anger Mountains, and others get stuck in the Anger Mountains and become Gollum.

I think I'm going to write a new hobbit book  

[gundam94]

Hi Senegal. Welcome and nice post.

I am a very compassionate guy. I'm having a difficult time seeing her for what she is. I still see her as the person who loved me so very much and that's why I'm so broken up over this. I try to hate her and I feel guilty. I don't know what I feel. I feel like I could've done things differently... .the whole "what ifs". I feel like I should've seen the signs sooner... .it just goes on and on.

[JerryRG]

Lol wounded, you write that novel

I'm angry but I use it as an energy to motivate myself to get up and do something instead of staying stuck. I have a lot to learn and watching that video really helped. My mother controlled me and she had to use manipulation and fear to do it. I walked right into the lions den to be devoured so unless I value my chops I best stop feeding the creeps that like the taste of easy pork .

And dammit I cannot sleep! Hot to work in 5 hours. Good grief

[gundam94]

Lol wounded, you write that novel

I'm angry but I use it as an energy to motivate myself to get up and do something instead of staying stuck. I have a lot to learn and watching that video really helped. My mother controlled me and she had to use manipulation and fear to do it. I walked right into the lions den to be devoured so unless I value my chops I best stop feeding the creeps that like the taste of easy pork .

And dammit I cannot sleep! Hot to work in 5 hours. Good grief

I know the feeling. I have to take sleep aids in order to fall asleep. I'm going to try to let my anger out. Could I get a link to that video Jerry?

[JerryRG]

https://youtu.be/WUzlp2WkCEg

Have a good night

[gundam94]

https://youtu.be/WUzlp2WkCEg

Have a good night

Thanks Jerry

[senegal_7]

Gundam, I know just what you mean, especially with the "what ifs" and "whys". I've had WAY too many encounters with disordered people, so the "why me" question pops up a lot. The worst part is that your head keeps telling you things ("you know better" but your heart won't listen. After my first PD boyfriend, I kept thinking, "if only I'd said this, if only I'd stuck it out longer, if only we'd met when we were younger (before he married his seriously BPD, emotional-vampire ex-wife), blah blah blah.

About a month ago, I finally decided to ask a friend why he's been so down lately (we're not close, so I wasn't sure how he'd react to my concern). He opened up to me about his relationship problems and asked for advice... .It was like talking to my younger self - the way he described his partner, his sense of responsibility, care, and concern for the guy, his desire to "save" him... .I told him straight up that you can't fix other people. The more you love someone, the more helpless you are with her (I'll switch to the feminine here, since you dig chicks Gundam ). If your partner has emotional/psychological problems, you're the last person she can accept help from. She is vulnerable to you and that vulnerability is terrifying. Everything you do to help her will only offend her, hurt her, and/or push her away. I told my friend that you either have to stand there, ready to support without offering help (something I don't know how to do), until your partner gets "better", or you need to leave before the relationship makes you miserable or emotionally damages you. After being a brilliant armchair psychologist, I went to work, pretended to be ok, and then went home and bawled.   It finally sank in that I couldn't save the guy I still had feelings for, even though I'd been telling myself that for a year - my heart wasn't listening to my head. Since then, I haven't looked back. I'm still dealing with stuff, but I'm over him!

My whole, long-winded point is that you're going to be miserable for a while. You're going to work really hard, make a little progress, feel a little better, backslide & feel worse, get mad at yourself for being a dope (that's the least vulgar of the things I called myself, at least), etc. Then, suddenly, everything will snap together. All the work you've been doing, all the effort you've put into getting over this horrid relationship - it'll all fall into place & you'll feel like you just woke up. The trick is to hang in there (without doing anything stupid in the meantime, like failing a class, quitting a good job, or getting back together with your ex-abuser (or replacing her with a new abuser) - all things I've done at one time or another in my escapes from PD prison).

You say that she "loved you so very much." Maybe this is the first step: She didn't love you. Period. She fed on you, she used you, and she twisted you into a tool - a thing she could use to fill her needs. You weren't a person, you were a thing. You're "so broken up over this" because she snapped you into little pieces, not because you lost a loving relationship. (I'm so sorry for being so mean - this is how I talk to myself when I  need to confront an issue so I can deal with it and move on. Hopefully, these words will help you more than they hurt you. *wince*)

I've spent a lot of time trying to get into my dad's & uncle's heads, trying to find a way to forgive them for being such, well,  asss. After my uncle died (about 8 years ago, when I was in my 20s) my dad opened up to me & we had some great conversations. I finally got a glimpse into the workings of his mind... .and then I realized that he was trying to turn me into his new... .what is it called? Benefactor? Controller? He & my uncle were dependent on each other (in the PD sense) - without my uncle to boss him around, my dad was lost. He was looking to me to become his new boss. Luckily, I had my head on straight enough that I saw what was happening, knew it would be the end of me, and ran away (NOTHING scares me more than the possibility of turning into my dad or uncle, and I'm afraid that I have it in me to be a phenomenal disaster... .) Again, this is my roundabout way of saying that I have a pretty good idea of how a disordered person views others. They have two categories for people - those they can use and those they can't. In the end, though, everyone is dispensable to someone with PD (assuming s/he can find a new person to fill their needs). It's a defense mechanism against getting hurt. If you dehumanize the people closest to you, if you view them as tools, then they can never hurt you. It's a crappy way to live, but I don't think they know any other way... .

So, feel sorry for her but don't feel guilty for hating her. She earned that. She earned every microsecond of anger you feel, add infinity. I think WoundedBibi is right - anger isn't fun but it's an essential part of the grieving/healing process, even if you only spend a short time being angry. Allowing yourself to be angry, allowing yourself to experience your emotions honestly (rather that feeling guilty for being angry), allowing yourself to HAVE emotions, admitting that your feelings are IMPORTANT - that's why anger is good. It's not about being mad, it's about learning to value yourself again, rather than always putting your ex's needs first. It's the first step in "becoming yourself" again. The longer you were with your ex, the harder it will be to allow yourself to feel. Just keep trying. (It took me nearly ten years to even notice that I had any feelings after I moved out on my own, thanks to my dad & uncle's thorough (& effective) efforts to brainwash me into being a host for their parasitic emotional needs. Just as I was beginning to figure out this whole feelings thing, I met my first PD boyfriend... .ugh. I sincerely hope you're smarter than me   and it takes you less time to heal!)

P.S. Thanks for the welcome!  

P.P.S. Insomnia - same here. Yay! I'm going to be completely useless tomorrow, but at least I'm having fun while earning my uselessness.  Reading your posts and putting my thoughts together well enough to form a reply has already done me some good. The articles on this site have given me a lot to think about, too. Let's raise our imaginary glasses & give three cheers for getting our sh-tuff together!

P.P.P.S. Jerry - aren't manipulation & fear the classic techniques BPDers use? And I remember reading a few articles (one on this site) saying that kids raised with disordered parents are more likely to end up with disordered partners... .Are you angry at your mother? Have you dealt/Are you dealing with it? Can your methods for dealing with the baggage your mother left you help you deal with the baggage from your ex? I'm curious about how you view the two experiences - how they're similar and different. Since you're still processing things, you probably have some insights that I can learn from, ideas that I can use to identify areas I still need to work on... .(It's 4 a.m. - my brain is fried. I hope that what I'm asking makes some kind of sense... .)

Good night!

[senegal_7]

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I think I beat WoundedBibi to finishing a novel... .I need to stop writing and start sleeping!

[gundam94]

Thanks Senegal. I was in a relationship with her for 2 and a half years. I was friends with her for about 2 before that. It's been very difficult trying to forget about her "mask". I'm trying to rediscover myself. She knew I'd be devastated that the relationship was over, even more so if it was my fault. So she said the right things to make me not only believe I was solely responsible for destroying the relationship, she convinced me I was a monster. She said I was emotionally abusive, controlling and even said I sexually assaulted her.

It didn't make sense. I went against everything I am and what I believe in. But I still believed her. She was the love of my life, I trusted her completely. Why would she lie? I know now it is all lies... .but the damage has been done. We haven't been together for almost 3 months now and she still has a huge amount of power of me.

[Frustratedbloke]

I'm glad the Spartan Life Coach proved useful for you, he has for me too and has held up a mirror to some of my own issues.

Like you say knowledge is power and I don't think we'll be a victim of this again, I can't see myself accepting someone like her into my life, I feel wiser.

I'm poorer, a bit damaged and struggling, but this won't happen again.

[Itstopsnow]

Lol, I love you Jerry! That is my ex too! But he's a guy! He's acts like a little b___ though! You made me laugh, but all you said was sadly true at the same time! These people are so sick and so manipulative . So it's hard to have compassion for someone who lies, cheats, and twists things to put it on you that the relationship didn't work! I am a nice girl, good hearted and he is a black souled freak! They suck

[JerryRG]

Thanks frustrated and itstopsnow

I love to laugh and take every advantage I can to enjoy my life, I'm tired of sick draining negative people, I grew up with miserable people and I am not going to be like them. My choice is to laugh and love and see the good in people and myself. Be grateful for everything including and yes I know... .them... .ewe ick wow ick yuck... .washing hands... .Anyway life is difficult enough without someone dogging our heels and trying to bite us and or steal our new nikes, , hey ass go find a job, a life and buy your own.

[once removed]

so JerryRG, in terms of using anger productively, which items from your list effected you and your relationship the most? at what point in your relationship did they appear? what was your response?

PS. a reminder to everyone participating that this is a family website. also important to keep in mind that anger is a part of detaching - we can support each other in our anger without fanning the flames or defaming borderlines as a whole.

[JerryRG]

Hi once removed

I apologize for using tough language, the most damaging was the lies, she brought up so many outrageous events in her life from sining the national anthem at an NFL game to having relatives who were police or drug detectives that would park in my parking lot to spy on her. So many crazy lies and the more I listened the crazier I became. It was like watching a movie and it just got deeper and deeper. Alice in Wonderland, the hole never ended. She was so intelligent and creative I was in awe.

I don't hate her, she is the mother of our son. She has put us both through hell because internally she is in hell. I use anger as a defence mechanism to stop myself from ever going back to her.

I did this over and over for 4 years, it wasn't until I started researching BPD that I realized I had to break this cycle.

I told her to get help or I was leaving her, she wouldn't help herself so I changed my phone number and took care of our son. She found the first guy that looked at her and started a relationship and after about one month was engaged and talking about their future.

All very disturbing but I now have to be accountable for my own history and work to heal my issues. Codependent and what ever else lies beneath the next layer.

She's tried to text me a month ago, found my number somewhere. She said she had a forgiveness letter for me, um excuse me? I'm working on my guilt and shame for my behaviour and all you got is you're still the victim? Give me a break.

She will crash again and crawl back to me but NC, I won't allow it.

I had no bounderies and now I'm building 40 foot walls.

[once removed]

lies are damaging and anger is a natural response. i used 'the list' myself. i think its very useful that youre self aware that you dont hate her and remember that shes the mother of your children as you express your anger, but its okay sometimes to just be angry. i look at it this way: after the breakup i was kind of putting my ex on a pedestal which did not correlate with how i felt during the relationship. so i was caught between idealizing her and despising her, and idealizing her was causing me pain. the truth was somewhere in the middle, but writing the list and expressing my anger (hyperbolic as it may have been) did help me, ultimately to get to a more balanced and realistic place.

I use anger as a defence mechanism to stop myself from ever going back to her.

I had no bounderies and now I'm building 40 foot walls.

youre detaching and things are still pretty raw. its understandable that you would require space to heal. thats exactly the kind of way that anger can be used productively/proactively. we also need time and space to grieve, and theres nothing wrong with building some walls around us while we do. be careful that you dont ultimately replace one extreme with another, there is such a thing as boundaries that are too rigid for us to secure attachments, connect with others, let others get close to us. i think when we come out of these relationships we often have a lot of fear (i sure did), fear of the pain happening again, to the point that we dont even trust ourselves. high conflict personalities are all around us, and there are lots of tools for navigating them. in other words, be vigilant, just dont live in fear, anger, whatever, forever, if the ultimate goal is to find new healthy relationships.

i think youre striking a good balance in all of this, JerryRG

[JerryRG]

The tough part is sharing custody of our son. My ex is hurting and yes she has made a lot of bad choices. I would hurt if I were her, my childhood was nothing short of hell, narcissistic mother and raging abusive father. I can only imagine her childhood because I'm not sure what she said was real.

I took care of our son after I was granted rights, before he turned 6 months I was pushed out or simply treated like garbage. After that I worked and cared for our son while she layed around, slept in late and dreamed up every illness known to mankind. She has this thing about believing she's dying of some physical ailment.

I did all I could then she bailed on our son and myself to find another fool to shower her with validation. I don't know how he can be so blind... .Oh just look in the mirror Jerry.

She's using him much like she did me and on and on it goes. Sometimes I want to just walk away from them both and just breath. ... .

I have cancer and the treatment failed so I'm on chemo until I die, maybe 5 maybe 10 years. The chemo makes me weak and sick so working is a struggle let alone chasing a 2 year old around my home. When I ask why this happened and look for answers I get that no one knows why.

My son will be cared for but, but having a mother with BPD is pretty much for sure going to be difficult for him.

Now that she has him back she's going to use this to again torture me for walking out on her. I had no choice, she was killing me.

People say she's just going to keep our son around to use him to manipulate my emotions. So be it. At this point I'm thinking about laying on a sunny beach somewhere and relaxing until the cancer decides to reapear and kill me.

Caner = death... .hmm exgf = death... .

Pick my poisen huh?

It's not that bad and like I've always said, I have a son and this experience has giving me survival skills I never had before.

Andddddd... .we're all dying, some quicky, some slower, and like my ex, I believe she's already dead inside.

[steelwork]

I have cancer and the treatment failed so I'm on chemo until I die, maybe 5 maybe 10 years. The chemo makes me weak and sick so working is a struggle let alone chasing a 2 year old around my home. When I ask why this happened and look for answers I get that no one knows why.

... .

It's not that bad and like I've always said, I have a son and this experience has giving me survival skills I never had before.

Andddddd... .we're all dying, some quicky, some slower, and like my ex, I believe she's already dead inside.

Jerry, if you told us this before I missed it. I want to say how sorry I am, and how much I admire your perspective.

[once removed]

JerryRG, that is heartbreaking to hear, and i admire your courage and strength. dealing with chemotherapy must take a tremendous toll on you, and it certainly makes none of this any easier to manage or process. i encourage you to treat yourself well, and kindly, focus on your needs and your care.

with regard to your son, have you had a look at our coparenting board? there are lots of useful tools and skills there that can help you build a strong foundation for your son.