What to look for in a therapist?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  All!

I hope you are all well.

I'm on a journey to become a more healthy & rounded adult!  Part of this journey for me, is to find a good T.  I guess you could say I'm at a stage where, despite all of my reading and knowledge about the human mind etc, I still have insights that need to be gained as well as clarity in my thoughts.  

It's a case of, I have a lot more knowledge about myself compared to before my relationship with my exgf.  So I'm at point of "What now?"  For me I feel I need to go into therapy to go further in my journey of healing the child within.  More importantly, I want to truly start thriving as opposed to doing what I've done since childhood, which is surviving.

I wanted to ask for advice mainly about what I should look for in a T.  I understand it depends on the individual, so here is a bit about myself;

• I grew up in a very dysfunctional house

• My parents were constantly at each others throats

• My mother seems to be a waif, she is manipulative, materiallistic, amongst other things

• My father seems to have been dominated by my mother, and in turn became co-dependant, depressive and essentially a bullying father

• As children, we grew up in squalor and were the objects of ridicule for many relatives and so called friends of the 'family'

• I feel I have a lot of resentment to my parents and how they failed me and my siblings

• I was involved in the wrong crowd in my early teen years (crime, violence etc was the norm)

• I feel like the crowd I was in only exacerbated the feelings of fear I suffered as a child

• I feel like a have both PTSD (due to the crowd I chose to become involved in) and complex PTSD (due to my childhood)

• I also seem to have trouble dealing with stress

• I go from highs to lows

• I also believe that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP)

• Admittedly, I also want to explore the possibility that I myself may have BPD or at the very least traits of BPD

Any help in pointing me to the right direction would be much appreciated.  I'm at a loss as to what to look for in a therapist!  I thought that EMDR would be good alongside psycho-dynamic therapy?[/list]

[GrowThroughIt]

  All!

I hope you are all well.

I'm on a journey to become a more healthy & rounded adult!  Part of this journey for me, is to find a good T.  I guess you could say I'm at a stage where, despite all of my reading and knowledge about the human mind etc, I still have insights that need to be gained as well as clarity in my thoughts.  

It's a case of, I have a lot more knowledge about myself compared to before my relationship with my exgf.  So I'm at point of "What now?"  For me I feel I need to go into therapy to go further in my journey of healing the child within.  More importantly, I want to truly start thriving as opposed to doing what I've done since childhood, which is surviving.

I wanted to ask for advice mainly about what I should look for in a T.  I understand it depends on the individual, so here is a bit about myself;

• I grew up in a very dysfunctional house

• My parents were constantly at each others throats

• My mother seems to be a waif, she is manipulative, materiallistic, amongst other things

• My father seems to have been dominated by my mother, and in turn became co-dependant, depressive and essentially a bullying father

• As children, we grew up in squalor and were the objects of ridicule for many relatives and so called friends of the 'family'

• I feel I have a lot of resentment to my parents and how they failed me and my siblings

• I was involved in the wrong crowd in my early teen years (crime, violence etc was the norm)

• I feel like the crowd I was in only exacerbated the feelings of fear I suffered as a child

• I feel like a have both PTSD (due to the crowd I chose to become involved in) and complex PTSD (due to my childhood)

• I also seem to have trouble dealing with stress

• I go from highs to lows

• I also believe that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP)

• Admittedly, I also want to explore the possibility that I myself may have BPD or at the very least traits of BPD

Any help in pointing me to the right direction would be much appreciated.  I'm at a loss as to what to look for in a therapist!  I thought that EMDR would be good alongside psycho-dynamic therapy?[/list]

[Cloudy Days]

If you feel you might have BPD and you certainly seem to have PTSD, I would suggest finding a therapist who does both DBT therapy and EMDR therapy. I think BPD and PTSD are common to exist together so a good therapist would know both therapies.

[eeks]

Hi GrowThroughIt,

You sound like you have a significant degree of self-awareness already, and that is going to help when you choose a therapist (also in deciding whether to stay with one or not, for example if it happens that you have made some gains but feel like you are "plateauing".  

I'm on a journey to become a more healthy & rounded adult!  Part of this journey for me, is to find a good T.  I guess you could say I'm at a stage where, despite all of my reading and knowledge about the human mind etc, I still have insights that need to be gained as well as clarity in my thoughts.  

I think I get it, you have the intellectual knowledge but there's something else yet to be done... .rather than "insight" or "clarity" I would phrase what I tend to be missing relative to knowledge as "feeling" or "experiencing".  Try that on and see if it fits... .you can know, for instance, how a dysfunctional parent affected you, but have you really felt and "accepted as part of yourself" the emotions associated with that?

Here is one of my replies to another question about therapy that may be helpful, I would suggest the same things to you with regards to somatic approaches, I've never had EMDR but there may be a common factor there in that it addresses the memories in the nervous system:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288028.msg12712919#msg12712919

Psychodynamic therapy... .I have heard this term used seemingly interchanged with psychoanalysis, but maybe the difference is that psychodynamic incorporates attachment theory, etc.?   With your personal history, I would suggest a therapist who has knowledge of developmental psychology including attachment.  I saw a psychoanalyst for a year and a half.  There are pros and cons.  The pro is that if you have someone smart and attentive to detail, they can make "educated guesses" about the parts of yourself that are not developed or "owned" as a result of trauma or life experiences.  This gives you knowledge you would not get any other way (one often hides this stuff from oneself, after all).  However, I found it reinforced some of my worst tendencies to be cerebral (think about things rather than feel/experience them) and really did not lead to the noticeable results in my life I had hoped for.  I think that working directly with emotions is necessary for me (and I suspect others will find this the case too) to see progress.

• I feel like a have both PTSD (due to the crowd I chose to become involved in) and complex PTSD (due to my childhood)

• I also seem to have trouble dealing with stress

• I go from highs to lows

• I also believe that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP)

• Admittedly, I also want to explore the possibility that I myself may have BPD or at the very least traits of BPD

All of these suggest to me that another important ingredient in your therapist will be empathy, or emotional intelligence, somebody who has done their own healing & awareness work (even if they were "functioning ok" in life) such that they can go with you to the depths that you will likely need to go.  

[GrowThroughIt]

If you feel you might have BPD and you certainly seem to have PTSD, I would suggest finding a therapist who does both DBT therapy and EMDR therapy. I think BPD and PTSD are common to exist together so a good therapist would know both therapies.

Thank you for your input and suggestions. I'll certainly add those to the search criteria!

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi GrowThroughIt,

You sound like you have a significant degree of self-awareness already, and that is going to help when you choose a therapist (also in deciding whether to stay with one or not, for example if it happens that you have made some gains but feel like you are "plateauing".  

I'm on a journey to become a more healthy & rounded adult!  Part of this journey for me, is to find a good T.  I guess you could say I'm at a stage where, despite all of my reading and knowledge about the human mind etc, I still have insights that need to be gained as well as clarity in my thoughts.  

I think I get it, you have the intellectual knowledge but there's something else yet to be done... .rather than "insight" or "clarity" I would phrase what I tend to be missing relative to knowledge as "feeling" or "experiencing".  Try that on and see if it fits... .you can know, for instance, how a dysfunctional parent affected you, but have you really felt and "accepted as part of yourself" the emotions associated with that?

Here is one of my replies to another question about therapy that may be helpful, I would suggest the same things to you with regards to somatic approaches, I've never had EMDR but there may be a common factor there in that it addresses the memories in the nervous system:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288028.msg12712919#msg12712919

Psychodynamic therapy... .I have heard this term used seemingly interchanged with psychoanalysis, but maybe the difference is that psychodynamic incorporates attachment theory, etc.?   With your personal history, I would suggest a therapist who has knowledge of developmental psychology including attachment.  I saw a psychoanalyst for a year and a half.  There are pros and cons.  The pro is that if you have someone smart and attentive to detail, they can make "educated guesses" about the parts of yourself that are not developed or "owned" as a result of trauma or life experiences.  This gives you knowledge you would not get any other way (one often hides this stuff from oneself, after all).  However, I found it reinforced some of my worst tendencies to be cerebral (think about things rather than feel/experience them) and really did not lead to the noticeable results in my life I had hoped for.  I think that working directly with emotions is necessary for me (and I suspect others will find this the case too) to see progress.

• I feel like a have both PTSD (due to the crowd I chose to become involved in) and complex PTSD (due to my childhood)

• I also seem to have trouble dealing with stress

• I go from highs to lows

• I also believe that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP)

• Admittedly, I also want to explore the possibility that I myself may have BPD or at the very least traits of BPD

All of these suggest to me that another important ingredient in your therapist will be empathy, or emotional intelligence, somebody who has done their own healing & awareness work (even if they were "functioning ok" in life) such that they can go with you to the depths that you will likely need to go.  

Thanks for the detailed response eeks!

I think you are right about the need to feel these emotions. As you said, on an intellectually level I know about the way in which my upbringing etc plays a part in my present way of being. I do feel that on a certain level, certain emotions are frozen within me. I also notice they tend to thaw when I'm not busy and relatively stress free (thereby making me stressed)! You're right, I need to feel and accept these emotions/experiences, and then move on in my journey to healing.

Once again, thank you for the input!

[Grey Kitty]

I would suggest that you think about what you want out of therapy, more than what you want in a therapist.

To be less f***ed up isn't specific enough 

To deal with your PTSD would be a better answer.

Specific symptoms or issues might be a good choice. For example, I've got a friend who consulted a therapist to sort out issues around money, which were ultimately due to both parents have different messed up attitudes about money. Another example is that I have issues around making decisions and procrastination (related, as my procrastination is worst when I'm having trouble making a decision!)

You might have a dozen goals for therapy... .but would do well to pick one or two and work with the therapist to address them directly. Likely there will be underlying issues, and a good T will help find and address them.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist, trying one for a few sessions, and perhaps trying another if you don't seem to be getting good results.

[HopefulDad]

Big fan of CBT.  Helps you step outside yourself and look at your issues from a different perspective.  If I went back to therapy, I would seek someone well versed in CBT.

[GrowThroughIt]

I would suggest that you think about what you want out of therapy, more than what you want in a therapist.

To be less f***ed up isn't specific enough 

To deal with your PTSD would be a better answer.

Specific symptoms or issues might be a good choice. For example, I've got a friend who consulted a therapist to sort out issues around money, which were ultimately due to both parents have different messed up attitudes about money. Another example is that I have issues around making decisions and procrastination (related, as my procrastination is worst when I'm having trouble making a decision!)

You might have a dozen goals for therapy... .but would do well to pick one or two and work with the therapist to address them directly. Likely there will be underlying issues, and a good T will help find and address them.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist, trying one for a few sessions, and perhaps trying another if you don't seem to be getting good results.

In all honesty I never looked at it like that in much depth.  I think I'm going to have to list down specifics... .hmmm where to start?  Haha!

Thank you for the advice!  It is much appreciated!

[GrowThroughIt]

Big fan of CBT.  Helps you step outside yourself and look at your issues from a different perspective.  If I went back to therapy, I would seek someone well versed in CBT.

Thanks for the reply.

I must admit, I was put off my CBT when I was told by a few people that, CBT almost changes your thought process, but does not address the underlying issues.  I'm not sure how true this is  ?  What is your take on CBT?

[eeks]

Big fan of CBT.  Helps you step outside yourself and look at your issues from a different perspective.  If I went back to therapy, I would seek someone well versed in CBT.

Thanks for the reply.

I must admit, I was put off my CBT when I was told by a few people that, CBT almost changes your thought process, but does not address the underlying issues.  I'm not sure how true this is  ?  What is your take on CBT?

I've had CBT group therapy, and as with many types of therapy I suspect the skill and training level varies widely from "here, fill out this thought record" to actually going through things in more detail.  What I had was kind of in the middle. 

My personal experience with "beliefs" is that when I break it down, I find that I do not truly "believe" the negative thing at all, I am compelled to keep repeating it to myself for self-protection.  So my opinion is that trying to break a belief down to see that it's not true or exaggerated is likely to often be too superficial of an approach, unless you can find some way to navigate the intense fear that can be associated with ceasing self-protective patterns. 

I don't know if anyone has ever studied this, but I would also guess that CBT would be more effective for people who were basically emotionally healthy, functioning well then had some kind of crisis or stressful situation in adulthood, because they at least have a memory of having had positive beliefs and proactive behaviours, so they can kind of pull themselves back to what they already had. 

For people who grew up with parents who were abusive, neglectful, lacked empathy or emotional intelligence... .I'm not sure if CBT would be enough.  Some cognitive and behavioural tweaks could probably be helpful at some point, and I'd say even with more depth oriented therapies, at a certain point you have to figure out how to put all that insight and understanding into practice.  However, I've never come across any approach to CBT that acknowledges the "survival strategy" aspect of negative beliefs about self. 

[HurtinNW]

My therapist practices AEDP therapy. It's effective for trauma victims, PTSD, and attachment issues. I have anxious attachment myself. Here's a link to some articles about it. This website also lists AEDP therapists in your area if you are interested.

https://www.aedpinstitute.org/events/healing-attachment-wounds-accelerated-experiential-dynamic-psychotherapy-aedp/

[GrowThroughIt]

Big fan of CBT.  Helps you step outside yourself and look at your issues from a different perspective.  If I went back to therapy, I would seek someone well versed in CBT.

Thanks for the reply.

I must admit, I was put off my CBT when I was told by a few people that, CBT almost changes your thought process, but does not address the underlying issues.  I'm not sure how true this is  ?  What is your take on CBT?

I've had CBT group therapy, and as with many types of therapy I suspect the skill and training level varies widely from "here, fill out this thought record" to actually going through things in more detail.  What I had was kind of in the middle. 

My personal experience with "beliefs" is that when I break it down, I find that I do not truly "believe" the negative thing at all, I am compelled to keep repeating it to myself for self-protection.  So my opinion is that trying to break a belief down to see that it's not true or exaggerated is likely to often be too superficial of an approach, unless you can find some way to navigate the intense fear that can be associated with ceasing self-protective patterns. 

I don't know if anyone has ever studied this, but I would also guess that CBT would be more effective for people who were basically emotionally healthy, functioning well then had some kind of crisis or stressful situation in adulthood, because they at least have a memory of having had positive beliefs and proactive behaviours, so they can kind of pull themselves back to what they already had. 

For people who grew up with parents who were abusive, neglectful, lacked empathy or emotional intelligence... .I'm not sure if CBT would be enough.  Some cognitive and behavioural tweaks could probably be helpful at some point, and I'd say even with more depth oriented therapies, at a certain point you have to figure out how to put all that insight and understanding into practice.  However, I've never come across any approach to CBT that acknowledges the "survival strategy" aspect of negative beliefs about self. 

Interesting post!

I gather from what you're saying, that CBT can be good in certain circumstances alongside other forms of therapy.  However, CBT for someone who has not had positive beliefs, but rather a negative outlook, will find CBT less useful.

I think I might try to get to a more healthy place emotionally via psychodynamic therapy first.  I do however, need to figure out more specific aims to aspire to in my reasons for going to therapy!

Thanks for the reply!

[GrowThroughIt]

My therapist practices AEDP therapy. It's effective for trauma victims, PTSD, and attachment issues. I have anxious attachment myself. Here's a link to some articles about it. This website also lists AEDP therapists in your area if you are interested.

https://www.aedpinstitute.org/events/healing-attachment-wounds-accelerated-experiential-dynamic-psychotherapy-aedp/

Hey HurtinNW, thanks for the suggestion!

What exactly does AEDP consist of?  I searched around a bit and I noticed a therapist talking about AEDP is a "model of change that integrate seamlessly with the body-based practices of Tibetan Buddhism".   

[HurtinNW]

My therapist practices AEDP therapy. It's effective for trauma victims, PTSD, and attachment issues. I have anxious attachment myself. Here's a link to some articles about it. This website also lists AEDP therapists in your area if you are interested.

https://www.aedpinstitute.org/events/healing-attachment-wounds-accelerated-experiential-dynamic-psychotherapy-aedp/

Hey HurtinNW, thanks for the suggestion!

What exactly does AEDP consist of?  I searched around a bit and I noticed a therapist talking about AEDP is a "model of change that integrate seamlessly with the body-based practices of Tibetan Buddhism".   

I don't know about the Buddhism. My understanding is it helps process trauma.

I can tell you my personal experience. My therapist is certified in it. She also uses other techniques. In our sessions she helps me identify how I am feeling something. She helps me get in touch with my body, and the feelings there as I process them. It is very validating. We work on my early childhood trauma in a re-parenting way, where the child self that got hurt is re-parented and made safe. One way to describe it is is understanding the trauma in a healthy, empowered way. 

She also brainstorms with me about how to handle life stuff, and is a very warm, empathetic person. Her presence during therapy is both nurturing and professional. I would describe much of the therapy as positive emotional work in a nurturing presence.

[GrowThroughIt]

My therapist practices AEDP therapy. It's effective for trauma victims, PTSD, and attachment issues. I have anxious attachment myself. Here's a link to some articles about it. This website also lists AEDP therapists in your area if you are interested.

https://www.aedpinstitute.org/events/healing-attachment-wounds-accelerated-experiential-dynamic-psychotherapy-aedp/

Hey HurtinNW, thanks for the suggestion!

What exactly does AEDP consist of?  I searched around a bit and I noticed a therapist talking about AEDP is a "model of change that integrate seamlessly with the body-based practices of Tibetan Buddhism".   

I don't know about the Buddhism. My understanding is it helps process trauma.

I can tell you my personal experience. My therapist is certified in it. She also uses other techniques. In our sessions she helps me identify how I am feeling something. She helps me get in touch with my body, and the feelings there as I process them. It is very validating. We work on my early childhood trauma in a re-parenting way, where the child self that got hurt is re-parented and made safe. One way to describe it is is understanding the trauma in a healthy, empowered way. 

She also brainstorms with me about how to handle life stuff, and is a very warm, empathetic person. Her presence during therapy is both nurturing and professional. I would describe much of the therapy as positive emotional work in a nurturing presence.

Thank you for the response.

AEDP sounds like the kind of thing I need!  Now I just need to find someone who can tick these boxes and is also based in the UK!

Thank you for sharing your personal experience, it certainly helped in explaining AEDP to me!