Do they WANT you to chase them after discarding you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had an epiphany earlier. My ex-gf with uBPD often complained about how her exes wouldn't leave her alone, yet I get the impression that she kind of enjoyed it. It's drama and attention for them. She also told me when people walk away from an argument she views that as "not caring."

I went NC after she discarded me over 3 weeks ago. She's been monitoring me online and I got a mysterious "no caller ID" phone call two weeks ago. When she told me "do not contact me again" I sent her a brief goodbye telling her my feelings and that I wish her the best. It's been radio silence since then. Does she WANT me to chase her? Because I'm definitely not going to.

[sweet tooth]

I had an epiphany earlier. My ex-gf with uBPD often complained about how her exes wouldn't leave her alone, yet I get the impression that she kind of enjoyed it. It's drama and attention for them. She also told me when people walk away from an argument she views that as "not caring."

I went NC after she discarded me over 3 weeks ago. She's been monitoring me online and I got a mysterious "no caller ID" phone call two weeks ago. When she told me "do not contact me again" I sent her a brief goodbye telling her my feelings and that I wish her the best. It's been radio silence since then. Does she WANT me to chase her? Because I'm definitely not going to.

[HurtinNW]

I had an epiphany earlier. My ex-gf with uBPD often complained about how her exes wouldn't leave her alone, yet I get the impression that she kind of enjoyed it. It's drama and attention for them. She also told me when people walk away from an argument she views that as "not caring."

I went NC after she discarded me over 3 weeks ago. She's been monitoring me online and I got a mysterious "no caller ID" phone call two weeks ago. When she told me "do not contact me again" I sent her a brief goodbye telling her my feelings and that I wish her the best. It's been radio silence since then. Does she WANT me to chase her? Because I'm definitely not going to.

In my experience, yes. My ex discarded me more times than I can count, endless recycles. I am examining my role in why I kept reengaging. His thing was to rage, be verbally abusive, say it was over, and then give me the silent treatment. My role was to fall apart, and beg him to reconsider. Over time I stopped doing that, so he upped the ante to sending an apology letter, and I would reengage.

I can promise you right now, this very moment, my ex is sitting in his place feeling sorry for himself, and expecting me to reach out to him. He wants to be "saved," repeatedly. He feels entitled to being saved. Also it reinforces his opinion that he is right. Every time I reengaged I was essentially confirming his belief he was the victim and he was "forgiving" me for being the persecutor, even if he put on a veneer of saying sorry.

In my opinion probably your ex and my ex confuse this drama with love. It's not love. But it is up to us to ask ourselves we thought it was love too.

Hugs! 

[sweet tooth]

That's similar to what happened to me, Hurtin. She would completely disappear. I would message her and get radio silence for weeks of up to a month. I would continue to message her once a week or so. Eventually by the time I gave up I would hear from her. Most times she acted like nothing happened. The last time, the month of silence, she called me once (no message). I continually called her once a day for three days straight. Nothing. Two weeks later she finally got back to me (after a month without an exchange). She told me she was depressed, she doesn't deserve me, etc. you know, the typical victim stuff.

This time she told me that there's "no spark" between us. I called her out on her BS and she said she needed space. I contacted her two weeks later. That's when she said not to contact her again. I take comments like that very seriously. She WON'T hear from me again. I'm having a hard time deciding what to do if she attempts to re-engage. The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

[C.Stein]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Now you need to get in touch with your third "self", the one who can step outside your mind and heart and look at it all objectively.  What does that person say?

[sweet tooth]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Now you need to get in touch with your third "self", the one who can step outside your mind and heart and look at it all objectively.  What does that person say?

That guy is MIA   :'(

[Grey Kitty]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Ask the heart to be more specific about what parts of the "package" that is this guy and how he behaves and treats you it is saying "yes" to.

My guess: Your heart does want and need some very real and very important things. And my further guess is that your mind can look at them and assess if saying "yes" to him will actually provide them or not.

[sweet tooth]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Ask the heart to be more specific about what parts of the "package" that is this guy and how he behaves and treats you it is saying "yes" to.

My guess: Your heart does want and need some very real and very important things. And my further guess is that your mind can look at them and assess if saying "yes" to him will actually provide them or not.

It's kind of irrelevant, but I'm a male and she's female.  I get what you're saying, though.  I still feel badly.  I'm getting the impression as soon as I forget about her she will pop back up. At that point I'll be healed and probably say to myself, "Well, I have nobody better going for me. Why not give this a chance again?"

[JQ]

Hey Sweettooth,

You're getting some good guidance here ... .the BPD behavior is similar ... .we've all established that ... .it's part of their recycle process ... .when they find "your replacement" and they don't here from you ... .HurtingNW guidance is pretty spot on ... .my exBPDgf would do the same thing ... .they say good bye for fear of "engulfment" or some other reason that makes sense only to the BPD ... .then when they feel the "abandon" ... .they reach out to you again ... .or when your replacement has had enough and decides to call things off ... .they reach out to you ... .to recycle ... .you, me, the NON reaches out and the recycle begins all over again as others have said here.

Part of what you describe could be what is a comorbidity of Narcissistic behavior (NPD) in addition to BPD ... .they want to believe they are wanted & needed by many ... .so they say the ex-bf/gf/husband/wife will not leave them alone in an attempt to boost their own self worth, perhaps this is why some here in the group have described their BPD s/o having a fixation on being gang rape ... .many men wanting them at the same time ... .at least that is how she tried to explain it to me. They want you to know that they could have anyone they want ... .like others in the group ... .my exBPDgf told me good bye ... .expected me to chase, call, email, text to beg, plead, ask her to let me back into her life ... .she eventually would ... .only to paint me black again in a short period of time ... .and the recycle would start all over again.

Eventually ... .like others ... .after one to many recycles ... .I decided to do the deep dive on myself and learn why I was letting this happen to myself ... .why I allowed her to affect my sleep ... .my eating ... .my overall well being ... .I had enough.  Through this sight, a good therapist, a lot of reading and learning of my past ... .I learned that I was a codependent and why I became one ... .only then could I make the changes in my life to not let anyone take advantage of me, my ability to care, love someone ... .you have to find that too ... .

J

[sweet tooth]

Hey Sweettooth,

You're getting some good guidance here ... .the BPD behavior is similar ... .we've all established that ... .it's part of their recycle process ... .when they find "your replacement" and they don't here from you ... .HurtingNW guidance is pretty spot on ... .my exBPDgf would do the same thing ... .they say good bye for fear of "engulfment" or some other reason that makes sense only to the BPD ... .then when they feel the "abandon" ... .they reach out to you again ... .or when your replacement has had enough and decides to call things off ... .they reach out to you ... .to recycle ... .you, me, the NON reaches out and the recycle begins all over again as others have said here.

Part of what you describe could be what is a comorbidity of Narcissistic behavior (NPD) in addition to BPD ... .they want to believe they are wanted & needed by many ... .so they say the ex-bf/gf/husband/wife will not leave them alone in an attempt to boost their own self worth, perhaps this is why some here in the group have described their BPD s/o having a fixation on being gang rape ... .many men wanting them at the same time ... .at least that is how she tried to explain it to me. They want you to know that they could have anyone they want ... .like others in the group ... .my exBPDgf told me good bye ... .expected me to chase, call, email, text to beg, plead, ask her to let me back into her life ... .she eventually would ... .only to paint me black again in a short period of time ... .and the recycle would start all over again.

Eventually ... .like others ... .after one to many recycles ... .I decided to do the deep dive on myself and learn why I was letting this happen to myself ... .why I allowed her to affect my sleep ... .my eating ... .my overall well being ... .I had enough.  Through this sight, a good therapist, a lot of reading and learning of my past ... .I learned that I was a codependent and why I became one ... .only then could I make the changes in my life to not let anyone take advantage of me, my ability to care, love someone ... .you have to find that too ... .

J

I already know why I am a co-dependent. I had no consistency as a child. My older sister, who to this day acts selfishly and insensitively toward me, was doted on by our mother. I was kind of lost in the shuffle. My mother's love toward me was inconsistent and still is. At times she smothers me and other times invalidates my feelings. She often strongly implies (without actually saying so) that my feelings are wrong, immoral, incorrect for the situation, etc. She also has severe boundary issues. I will ask her not to do something and she'll do it anyway while implying why I do 't want her to do it is unjustified.

I chase after women who are unkind to and abuse me because that is baseline for me. Deep down I know my own mother and sister don't respect me and their love is inconsistent at best. Why would I expect any other woman to be any different?

[Grey Kitty]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Ask the heart to be more specific about what parts of the "package" that is this guy and how he behaves and treats you it is saying "yes" to.

My guess: Your heart does want and need some very real and very important things. And my further guess is that your mind can look at them and assess if saying "yes" to him will actually provide them or not.

It's kind of irrelevant, but I'm a male and she's female.  I get what you're saying, though.  I still feel badly.  I'm getting the impression as soon as I forget about her she will pop back up. At that point I'll be healed and probably say to myself, "Well, I have nobody better going for me. Why not give this a chance again?"

(Sorry for the confusion... .and as you said, it would all be the same with the right pronouns this time.)

Anyhow... .yes, you are choosing to reject her (or considering it, if not actually doing it), and yes, that feels awful. I know. I've done it, and even when it is clearly the right thing to do it still feels bad.

What will make you say no is not the "well I've got nobody better going for me... ." idea... .but more when you really believe that she's going to hurt you more than being alone would. And perhaps you will come to believe that... .or perhaps not. Any relationship is going to hurt you some.

But back my question... .can you think about what it is that your heart is chasing after when it wants to say "yes" to her? I'm pretty sure that there are valid and important things you want in there... .whether she can fulfill them or not.

[sweet tooth]

The heart says yes. The mind says NO.

Ask the heart to be more specific about what parts of the "package" that is this guy and how he behaves and treats you it is saying "yes" to.

My guess: Your heart does want and need some very real and very important things. And my further guess is that your mind can look at them and assess if saying "yes" to him will actually provide them or not.

It's kind of irrelevant, but I'm a male and she's female.  I get what you're saying, though.  I still feel badly.  I'm getting the impression as soon as I forget about her she will pop back up. At that point I'll be healed and probably say to myself, "Well, I have nobody better going for me. Why not give this a chance again?"

(Sorry for the confusion... .and as you said, it would all be the same with the right pronouns this time.)

Anyhow... .yes, you are choosing to reject her (or considering it, if not actually doing it), and yes, that feels awful. I know. I've done it, and even when it is clearly the right thing to do it still feels bad.

What will make you say no is not the "well I've got nobody better going for me... ." idea... .but more when you really believe that she's going to hurt you more than being alone would. And perhaps you will come to believe that... .or perhaps not. Any relationship is going to hurt you some.

But back my question... .can you think about what it is that your heart is chasing after when it wants to say "yes" to her? I'm pretty sure that there are valid and important things you want in there... .whether she can fulfill them or not.

Read my comment above.

[JohnLove]

In my experience with multiple BPD women, this would also be a YES.

Right down to the questionable ex who has been recycled only about 1,000,000 times. UGH. Still trying to impose, still stalking... .and it's only been 4 years now. 

EVERYTHING in this thread resonates with me... .right down to your FOO, sweet tooth.

All I can add is self awareness is the key... .and you are doing great in that department.

Cheers, my friend.

[sweet tooth]

In my experience with multiple BPD women, this would also be a YES.

Right down to the questionable ex who has been recycled only about 1,000,000 times. UGH. Still trying to impose, still stalking... .and it's only been 4 years now. 

EVERYTHING in this thread resonates with me... .right down to your FOO, sweet tooth.

All I can add is self awareness is the key... .and you are doing great in that department.

Cheers, my friend.

Thank you, John Love. I really do think once I get over everything she will pop back up. I decided to read and study the tools and lessons for when that happens.

Would you please describe some of the recycles that you encountered? Did the women after make a statement like "do not contact me again" and then return?

[Lfisco111]

I have been going through ALL of this with a 4 yr r/s possible BPD maybe narc... .while I am not quite there yet. ... these videos have helped bring me back to my own vibration. .my own self. ... check out Lisa A Ramano on YouTube. ... its a hard climb at  first when you feel so angry at first but when it clicks... .you ... .or maybe just I... .realize,  its not your fault but its your responsibility to do somethi g else while they figure out their own crap... .its the space where your wishes are not in alignment with what you truly deserve that hurts so much... .but once you get through that I believe it gets so much better and the pain is so much less... .more pity... and greatness for yourself... as it should be... .all relationships should be to add light and love NOT... .REPEAT NOT  take it away or give it away. ... love and light to all... .you can do this... .they are a mirror... .and thaats all... focus on what you want. ... not what they want you to be...

[JohnLove]

Well sweet tooth when she does pop back up I sincerely hope you will "be over everything" and in a much better place to make well informed choices for yourself... .free of FOG.

YES. Push and pull. Push and pull. Constantly. Other phrases like "sorry to bother you" or "I'll leave you alone now" when it was clear that they wanted something and there was much to discuss.

AVOIDANT behaviour. Read up on attachment theory and attachment styles. John Gottman and his wife (of the Gottman Institute) have a lot to say on this subject but they are not focused on personality disorders or mental illness just what works in intimate relationships and wha doesn't. They have done pioneering research over 40 years. There was one long term study conducted by them which was very interesting on newlyweds. They were able to predict with a very high degree of accuracy who would eventually divorce.

Enlighting and sad... .all at the same time.

[JQ]

In my experience with multiple BPD women, this would also be a YES.

Right down to the questionable ex who has been recycled only about 1,000,000 times. UGH. Still trying to impose, still stalking... .and it's only been 4 years now. 

EVERYTHING in this thread resonates with me... .right down to your FOO, sweet tooth.

All I can add is self awareness is the key... .and you are doing great in that department.

Cheers, my friend.

Thank you, John Love. I really do think once I get over everything she will pop back up. I decided to read and study the tools and lessons for when that happens.

Would you please describe some of the recycles that you encountered? Did the women after make a statement like "do not contact me again" and then return?

Hey Sweettooth,

In case you missed it, I wanted to give you another tool for your codependent tool bag. I've enclosed a link to a Youtube webinar conducted by Ross Rosenberg, the author of "The Human Magnet Syndrome" which explains the opposite attracts each other like magnets. It talks about codependent recovery process, our recovery is within us! WE have to take an active role in our own recovery and to succeed in future relationships!

I believe that we all know about the BPD and their Cluster B mental illness ... .we discuss quite in depth here ... .but what I believe lacks the attention is a discussion of US ... .us as the Codependent. 

So ... .here is the foundation you, us, we can build not only to help yourself learn and become a recovered codependent ... .but reinforce it in all of us. Knowledge is the key to success.

I hope that it helps you in your journey of self discovery

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMPaKJfrZrA

JQ

[Daniell85]

I'm not sure you can separate BPD women out from the general herd of BPD people.

My ex has flown off the handle and said things like "we are done forever!" and "Never contact me again!" numerous times.

He and I came back together so many times that he seems to have stopped saying it, defaulting to silent treatments and blocking almost everywhere, while leaving spots open to actually contact him if I want to. I would love everything to be ok between us. It's not, primarily because he has an arsenal of antics that show damaging willful and uncaring behaviors, and I am not really interested in trying to cope or suffer them.

I have had to draw a line in the sand. Reinforce my boundaries. I haven't informed him of this.

I disappeared completely from his sight everywhere. Simply, I never show up anymore. He would recycle, though.

My own thought is you are on some right tracks with learning about the tools here and with understanding your own self. 

[gotbushels]

In my experience with multiple BPD women, this would also be a YES.

JohnLove I think you need a new pastime.

[gotbushels]

I had an epiphany earlier. My ex-gf with uBPD often complained about how her exes wouldn't leave her alone, yet I get the impression that she kind of enjoyed it. It's drama and attention for them. She also told me when people walk away from an argument she views that as "not caring."

I went NC after she discarded me over 3 weeks ago. She's been monitoring me online and I got a mysterious "no caller ID" phone call two weeks ago. When she told me "do not contact me again" I sent her a brief goodbye telling her my feelings and that I wish her the best. It's been radio silence since then. Does she WANT me to chase her? Because I'm definitely not going to.

I'm openly and honestly waiting for someone to correct me on this, but I think it's fairly standard behaviour. Majority seem to:

1. run away,

2. say "no I really don't want you to find me",

3. say "if you leave you don't care".

Furthermore, if they have "been around" enough, you can expect them to secretly use it as part of the bridge to the next relationship (see this recent discussion on the detaching board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291638.0). Have a look. Seeing so many first-hand accounts of 'cycled' nons will reveal what's often hidden about criteria #2 (DSM4).

Also, the above event chain is aligned with some BP criteria. Think about the benefits they can get when the non "goes back". Think in terms of how they can use it in the continuing cycle, as well as cycles with new people to date.

Don't let them use you.