Can someone refresh my memory on BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel like I'm getting over it all. But then my mind questions and wonders... .I know he has BPD no doubt! And probably a little NPD, eating disorders gambling addictions ... .Whatever! But I'm having a tough time in understanding whether he intentionally was trying to hurt me the 18 months we were together. I get at first he might of feared abandonement of engulfment . But I wonder if when he was serial cheating, lying and manipulating me... .Was he enjoying hurting me? Did he justify it because he painted me black for the moment! He was constantly making me feel like I was the one who had issues with negative thoughts and anger. That if I just worked on those things then i would be a perfect mate!

Why didn't I call him out on his stuff? Why did I take that from him and believe it was me? I'm so mad at myself!

[Itstopsnow]

I feel like I'm getting over it all. But then my mind questions and wonders... .I know he has BPD no doubt! And probably a little NPD, eating disorders gambling addictions ... .Whatever! But I'm having a tough time in understanding whether he intentionally was trying to hurt me the 18 months we were together. I get at first he might of feared abandonement of engulfment . But I wonder if when he was serial cheating, lying and manipulating me... .Was he enjoying hurting me? Did he justify it because he painted me black for the moment! He was constantly making me feel like I was the one who had issues with negative thoughts and anger. That if I just worked on those things then i would be a perfect mate!

Why didn't I call him out on his stuff? Why did I take that from him and believe it was me? I'm so mad at myself!

[Itstopsnow]

I feel like he brain washed me! And was so cruel at times that he probably laughed to himself while cheating on me

[confusedandangry]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  You will go insane trying to figure out what they are thinking.  You are not the problem, he was.  They justify things in their own mind, in a way we can never understand.  For your sake you have to forgive yourself and live. 

[once removed]

there are no perfect mates. a relationship requires two. lets stipulate that you have issues with negative thoughts and anger. theres nothing wrong with working on those things in order to be a better mate. it wont make much difference if both partners arent owning their issues, working on them, listening to each other and communicating, as opposed to blaming everything on each other. if a relationship requires two, its unrealistic that the source of all problems is one party.

[tryingsome]

It is very difficult to know what they were thinking. Perhaps at moments it was vengeful/hateful maybe at other times it was complete ambivalence toward you.

It is hard to know the TRUE motivations of anyone. Your best bet is to believe what they tell you.

Then believe them until you are given information to believe otherwise.

You may never know what they felt, just as it is impossible for them to understand ever nuance that is you. 

Their misunderstanding of you is just as incomplete as you of them.

I equate it to a game of chess. We move these pieces around trying to understand the other person's move.

We never know for sure what they will do till they do it.

And eventually it comes down to a few pieces which we covet and run around the board like scared souls.

Then the game is over.

Afterwards, we wonder how we ever got involved in this 'game' to begin with how we could have improved.

Life and relationships shouldn't be a game. Or at least you should be on the same team.

[pfeiffj1]

You have to remember that you are dealing with someone with a serious mental illness. There is no real logic in how they think and feel.  Yes, at times he did hate you and wanted to punish you.  That is a big part of the illness.  NC is by far and away the best way to go with these creatures.  They do not have normal human emotions.