Ugh.She chased me for months, I fell in love and relocated, she pulled the rug.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I'm seriously hurt. She may or may not be. I'm not sure if I caused (or, more accurately, HOW MUCH I caused) this pain and drama.

Let me start by saying that I am, by no means perfect. I'm all f'd up. I believe both of our hearts were in the right place, and admit that I'd feel 100x better if I could simply blame... .but I need to be honesty with myself, so that is not an option.

So before I vent about how I have been wronged, a little background on myself: I am going to be 41 in a week. My parents split when we were living in the south Pacific when I was 4, I haven't seen or known my mother since. My father, a step- mothr, and some of my father's same sex partners were very abusive toward me in my childhood and thru the formative years; emotionaly, sexually, and physically.

As a result of all this, I definitely have abandonment issues, an (intermittently) transient existence- interspersed with periods of "success" and relative mental clarity. I acted out a lot in school, got (and still do, considering my age) in a lot of fights, spent time in continuation schools, juvenile hall, treatment facilities, jail and prison. I have had suicidal ideation at many times in my life, though less and less as I age, have made one true attemp over 20 years ago, have battled with addiction periodically throughout my life, though over the last decade have only had short binges a handful of times and have alcoholic tendencies that occasionally lead to big trouble, as in my last trip to the penitentiary which occurred in 2014 for dui on the heels of my relocating in a huff to escape an abusive (pregnant) heroin addict girlfriend who would not get clean, nor have an abortion, despite my having helped her get into detox/rehab just 20-odd days prior. She was a dried in the wool NPD.

As I mentioned, I'm not perfect. In writing this, I plainly see that I'm a hot mess.

That said, I should mention that I have a total of three children, all of whom I am estranged from... .One with the afore-mentioned NPD, who I walked hot coals for, tolerated her adiction, worked my arse off to have a better life with, etc., and two others with two other women, of course both the products of unhealthy relationships. I must say that my oldest, now 14, does not know her father, and that I was a stark-raving-mad meth addict at the time of her birth. Plainly my fault that I don't know her. As for the middle child, now turning 7, his mother and I were both unstable, though hard to say exactly what the relationship dynamic was for sure. That one I did fight for and ultimately lost the custody battle to the mother's  wealthy parents. I may have been granted normal visitation had I not gotten angry in court. It distressed me to say, obviously i. no candidate for father of the year, so I guess I  this case, the system is working. I have given up on the possibility of having a relationship with any of my kids... .you just reach a point where the sum total of all the hardships is overwhelming, life seems too short to straighten out the past, and give in to the fact that they are at least with more stable guardians, rather than trying to prove that you can raise a kid just fine, at the potential cost of the child having to see his father rake himself org the coals for a relationship that reeks of dysfunction, as I am about to recount.

Please do not judge me too harshly, I am recounting all of this in an effort to make sense of my own pathologies. All I've ever wanted was a family. That seems a futile hope anymore, but perhaps I can at least glean a bit of insight into what the heck is wrong with me, to avoid leaving a further wake of destruction in this lifetime.

In April of 2015, I returned to Washington state, after having left said state for Arizona pulling my hair out over the pregnant adict, getting a dui, doing a year in prison (after having not gone to prison for 16-odd years), and finishing parole. I saw my now 7 year old boy one time, then found out on his birthday that his grandparents had rec'd full custody, and I would not be seeing him casually any more. I had secured a good union job in the interim and I stuck with it for a bit, but then, considering that I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps multiple times from absolute zero, I thought, "I have nothing to work all that hard for. If i cant be with any of my kids, I only need to get by". I met a beautiful girl around this time. She was a bit different, but hey, so am I. She was instantly clingy. Love bombed me, which I noticed and hit the lower gears in an attempt to NOT have another devastating relationship/ breakup, or worse yet, another child. I actively encouraged her to take it slow, told her I was not going to commit overnight, but that I really liked her too. Consider that I really have every little that is tangible, my credit is crap, I have no family unit of my own, she is estranged from her family over her horrible choices from her past, she has a child she may not see, etc. We shared a pathos. She kept pointing to this all as indication that we were meant to be, would get violently angry if I did not spend time, etc. I didn't take this too badly co sideri g that there was dimes e who wanted me that badly in light of my shortcomings and past. I knew she was unstable, and shed mentioned having BPD, but I dismissed this, thinking I knew all about border line personality disorder and thinking it was harmless (as it had been presented to me that possibly I myself am a borderline in previous interpersonal relationships, but somehow I had missed the big picture)... .

Fast forward a bit. In the first six months of our courtship I had on several occasions given us a bit of space in response to her physical and verbal outbursts related to my not being ready to have sex ten times a day, not always feeling like snuggling, etc. At about the six no th mark I made a decision to really, really commit to her, as her intense love for me seemingly had not waned. In the days leading up to this decision on my oart, she had reached out for help via Facebook re: what should she do, she's pushing her boy friend awsy, etc... .wouldn't you know it, THE DAY AFTER I made the solemn decision to commit to her, mental as we both are, her estranged family invited her to move to Hawaii? Lol. I told her th st I loved her, but that she must try or she may forever resent me if it didn't workk out between us. It took some co vincing, but she went, got her first job I  six years, we stayed in touch... .and then her family kicked her out on her butt for being too unstable! Suddenly she was going to be homeless in a place she didnt know. She refused to come back to Seattle, so I went to Molokai. I landed and she had  changed entirely. No hugs, kisses, interested only in sex for her own pleasure. No compliments. But I was there to help. I was there with her on her time of need, and all she could do was Insult me, hit me, etc. We had nothing but her minimum wage job and my two no s that I got right away, but one wouldn't pay for over a month. We literally struggled for two no the to get a house. Things are very expensive o. this island and remember we both have troubled pasts, so not bear wealthy... .but we were on the cups of getting our own space, I had worked all but two days for almost two months, but she could not keep her eyes o  the prize and suddenly and completely hated everything about me. all she could do was complain, criticize, hit punch and throw things, withhold sex, call me homeless... .yet on the couple occasions I tried to pack and leave the island she literally threw coconuts, threatened murde, etc. About two weeks ago it got so bad that I booked a flight back to Seattle. Note that she REFUSED to get Hawaiian healthcare and get hpel as she  was afraid it would Mess up her pending SSI settlement- I invited her to come back with me and get help because things were waaaay out if hand. She declined. Then when she realized I was actually leaving she begged me to stay and asked what she would do. I was absolutely not staying because tete was no treatment for her there. She cried and said she would come with me, I agreed that would be ok, BUT WHILE I WAS PACKING SHE MOVED IN WITH HER MUCH OLDER, UNATRACTIVE, BUT WEALTHY BOSS! By all accounts this man is very letcherous.

Somebody please give me some insight. What just happened? I know I'm batsh*t crazy. I know she is. But what just hapoened. I thought I'd seen it all, BUT THIS IS AS HARD AD ANY THING IVE EVER BEEN THROUGH. Everyone who knew us said that she acted inapropriately. Did she really spend six months hooking me to get me alone where we were both in a compromised situation and devalue and discard her closest ally? Had she and her boss been having a fling the whole time and was that why she was so cool and cruel fro. the time of my arival? Wtf? I feel like I've been through enough.

I'm back in Seattle, we haven't spoken a word. Two weeks no contact either way. She was devastated I left, but treated me horribly. I know there's no hope of a relatilnship. Perhaps I should stop dating all together... .I've never committed this much to paper. It's embarrassing how horrible my life and relationships have become.

The worst part, if I take it at face value: a mutual friend says she's been complaining that her breasts hurt, she thinks she may be PREGNANT!

Why was I split black before I even arrived?

[sleeplessinc@l]

Hi. I'm seriously hurt. She may or may not be. I'm not sure if I caused (or, more accurately, HOW MUCH I caused) this pain and drama.

Let me start by saying that I am, by no means perfect. I'm all f'd up. I believe both of our hearts were in the right place, and admit that I'd feel 100x better if I could simply blame... .but I need to be honesty with myself, so that is not an option.

So before I vent about how I have been wronged, a little background on myself: I am going to be 41 in a week. My parents split when we were living in the south Pacific when I was 4, I haven't seen or known my mother since. My father, a step- mothr, and some of my father's same sex partners were very abusive toward me in my childhood and thru the formative years; emotionaly, sexually, and physically.

As a result of all this, I definitely have abandonment issues, an (intermittently) transient existence- interspersed with periods of "success" and relative mental clarity. I acted out a lot in school, got (and still do, considering my age) in a lot of fights, spent time in continuation schools, juvenile hall, treatment facilities, jail and prison. I have had suicidal ideation at many times in my life, though less and less as I age, have made one true attemp over 20 years ago, have battled with addiction periodically throughout my life, though over the last decade have only had short binges a handful of times and have alcoholic tendencies that occasionally lead to big trouble, as in my last trip to the penitentiary which occurred in 2014 for dui on the heels of my relocating in a huff to escape an abusive (pregnant) heroin addict girlfriend who would not get clean, nor have an abortion, despite my having helped her get into detox/rehab just 20-odd days prior. She was a dried in the wool NPD.

As I mentioned, I'm not perfect. In writing this, I plainly see that I'm a hot mess.

That said, I should mention that I have a total of three children, all of whom I am estranged from... .One with the afore-mentioned NPD, who I walked hot coals for, tolerated her adiction, worked my arse off to have a better life with, etc., and two others with two other women, of course both the products of unhealthy relationships. I must say that my oldest, now 14, does not know her father, and that I was a stark-raving-mad meth addict at the time of her birth. Plainly my fault that I don't know her. As for the middle child, now turning 7, his mother and I were both unstable, though hard to say exactly what the relationship dynamic was for sure. That one I did fight for and ultimately lost the custody battle to the mother's  wealthy parents. I may have been granted normal visitation had I not gotten angry in court. It distressed me to say, obviously i. no candidate for father of the year, so I guess I  this case, the system is working. I have given up on the possibility of having a relationship with any of my kids... .you just reach a point where the sum total of all the hardships is overwhelming, life seems too short to straighten out the past, and give in to the fact that they are at least with more stable guardians, rather than trying to prove that you can raise a kid just fine, at the potential cost of the child having to see his father rake himself org the coals for a relationship that reeks of dysfunction, as I am about to recount.

Please do not judge me too harshly, I am recounting all of this in an effort to make sense of my own pathologies. All I've ever wanted was a family. That seems a futile hope anymore, but perhaps I can at least glean a bit of insight into what the heck is wrong with me, to avoid leaving a further wake of destruction in this lifetime.

In April of 2015, I returned to Washington state, after having left said state for Arizona pulling my hair out over the pregnant adict, getting a dui, doing a year in prison (after having not gone to prison for 16-odd years), and finishing parole. I saw my now 7 year old boy one time, then found out on his birthday that his grandparents had rec'd full custody, and I would not be seeing him casually any more. I had secured a good union job in the interim and I stuck with it for a bit, but then, considering that I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps multiple times from absolute zero, I thought, "I have nothing to work all that hard for. If i cant be with any of my kids, I only need to get by". I met a beautiful girl around this time. She was a bit different, but hey, so am I. She was instantly clingy. Love bombed me, which I noticed and hit the lower gears in an attempt to NOT have another devastating relationship/ breakup, or worse yet, another child. I actively encouraged her to take it slow, told her I was not going to commit overnight, but that I really liked her too. Consider that I really have every little that is tangible, my credit is crap, I have no family unit of my own, she is estranged from her family over her horrible choices from her past, she has a child she may not see, etc. We shared a pathos. She kept pointing to this all as indication that we were meant to be, would get violently angry if I did not spend time, etc. I didn't take this too badly co sideri g that there was dimes e who wanted me that badly in light of my shortcomings and past. I knew she was unstable, and shed mentioned having BPD, but I dismissed this, thinking I knew all about border line personality disorder and thinking it was harmless (as it had been presented to me that possibly I myself am a borderline in previous interpersonal relationships, but somehow I had missed the big picture)... .

Fast forward a bit. In the first six months of our courtship I had on several occasions given us a bit of space in response to her physical and verbal outbursts related to my not being ready to have sex ten times a day, not always feeling like snuggling, etc. At about the six no th mark I made a decision to really, really commit to her, as her intense love for me seemingly had not waned. In the days leading up to this decision on my oart, she had reached out for help via Facebook re: what should she do, she's pushing her boy friend awsy, etc... .wouldn't you know it, THE DAY AFTER I made the solemn decision to commit to her, mental as we both are, her estranged family invited her to move to Hawaii? Lol. I told her th st I loved her, but that she must try or she may forever resent me if it didn't workk out between us. It took some co vincing, but she went, got her first job I  six years, we stayed in touch... .and then her family kicked her out on her butt for being too unstable! Suddenly she was going to be homeless in a place she didnt know. She refused to come back to Seattle, so I went to Molokai. I landed and she had  changed entirely. No hugs, kisses, interested only in sex for her own pleasure. No compliments. But I was there to help. I was there with her on her time of need, and all she could do was Insult me, hit me, etc. We had nothing but her minimum wage job and my two no s that I got right away, but one wouldn't pay for over a month. We literally struggled for two no the to get a house. Things are very expensive o. this island and remember we both have troubled pasts, so not bear wealthy... .but we were on the cups of getting our own space, I had worked all but two days for almost two months, but she could not keep her eyes o  the prize and suddenly and completely hated everything about me. all she could do was complain, criticize, hit punch and throw things, withhold sex, call me homeless... .yet on the couple occasions I tried to pack and leave the island she literally threw coconuts, threatened murde, etc. About two weeks ago it got so bad that I booked a flight back to Seattle. Note that she REFUSED to get Hawaiian healthcare and get hpel as she  was afraid it would Mess up her pending SSI settlement- I invited her to come back with me and get help because things were waaaay out if hand. She declined. Then when she realized I was actually leaving she begged me to stay and asked what she would do. I was absolutely not staying because tete was no treatment for her there. She cried and said she would come with me, I agreed that would be ok, BUT WHILE I WAS PACKING SHE MOVED IN WITH HER MUCH OLDER, UNATRACTIVE, BUT WEALTHY BOSS! By all accounts this man is very letcherous.

Somebody please give me some insight. What just happened? I know I'm batsh*t crazy. I know she is. But what just hapoened. I thought I'd seen it all, BUT THIS IS AS HARD AD ANY THING IVE EVER BEEN THROUGH. Everyone who knew us said that she acted inapropriately. Did she really spend six months hooking me to get me alone where we were both in a compromised situation and devalue and discard her closest ally? Had she and her boss been having a fling the whole time and was that why she was so cool and cruel fro. the time of my arival? Wtf? I feel like I've been through enough.

I'm back in Seattle, we haven't spoken a word. Two weeks no contact either way. She was devastated I left, but treated me horribly. I know there's no hope of a relatilnship. Perhaps I should stop dating all together... .I've never committed this much to paper. It's embarrassing how horrible my life and relationships have become.

The worst part, if I take it at face value: a mutual friend says she's been complaining that her breasts hurt, she thinks she may be PREGNANT!

Why was I split black before I even arrived?

[steelwork]

Oh gosh, what a story! I don't know the answers to your qs about her (affair, timing of devaluation, etc), but I can seewhat a terrible ordeal it was. I think your instinct to not date for now is spot on. Do you think it rings true that you have BPD/traits as has been suggested? If so, I imagine that would make it very hard to commit to staying single and working on yourself.   

So what's going on in your life now, and what if anything are you doing vis self-care?

And welcome!

[sleeplessinc@l]

Hello and thanks for the response. Yep, quite an ordeal. And yes, I do believe I have mixed Bpd/npd traits. Undeniably so... .confused though as I feel deep empathy, communicate well, am cognizant ( I think) of relationship cause/effect. I have see. professionals who have told me (usually within minites) that I "may have traits, but certainly not a pd"... .so, I honestly cannot say that I am a bona fide Bpd, npd, etc.

I do know that when I self test for these pd's I always score very high, but friends all seem to agree that these online tests score everyone high, .

Also, I only tend to entertain the self tests when i. the pangs of a failed relationship, so how much of it could be situational?

As for self care, I have booked a trip to Juneau for three days at the end of March/ beginning of April. I'll spend most of that time in nature getting back to who I am. Getting centered, etc.

Also I have been working, going out with friends, and actively honing my resumes with an eye to getting back on top of my game.

She did call last night and I didn't answer. I've never been one to go back, so that's not an issue.

Anyhow, I'm really starting to get better. Thanks for the talk.

And how about you?

[steelwork]

That sounds like a great idea--getting out in nature. And the resume, all that, good, good.

That was a crazy whirlwind thing you just lived through. Are you only here trying to make sense of it? Well, to the extent that's even possible I guess just reading up on BPD as much as possible will help.

But I'm wondering how you are doing, especially as someone with abandonment issues of his own.

As for me... .do you mean about BPD traits? Actually, I do have some of the characteristics. Crazy relationships, abandonment issues, trouble with I guess you'd say affect regulation, which has been particularly a problem in the last 15 months or so since my r/s blew up. I'm doing a lot of therapy (twice a week) with a really good therapist. As it happens, I got a whole battery of psychological tests done this fall and the results didn't indicate a personality disorder. My stuff is more along the lines of depression, non-PD attachment problems, and complex PTSD.

Maybe you wanted to know my story... .it's so complicated. Short version: I had an affair that lasted for several years, I did not leave my primary r/s, uBPD affair partner started seeing someone else and then dumped me. I haven't had any meaningful contact with him in about a year at this point but I'm still pretty messed up.

I posted a letter I was thinking of sending him. You can read it here if you want to know where my head's at these days:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291889.0

[steelwork]

I guess what I'm saying is, two weeks does not seem like very long. How are you feeling?