Codependancy + setting boundaries is a nightmare for me

[misuniadziubek]

I live at home with my parents and younger brother and spend every weekend with my boyfriend.

And it's a nightmare leaving to see him every time.

My relationship with my father is very strained. He's never truly accepted my relationship even though he likes my pwBPD and he's unhappy with how I lead my life. I barely have a good relationship with my family and my pwBPD has his own apartment and so I don't ask my bf to come up except on a rare day. Being at my house seriously stresses him out and I understand that.

I am ridiculously happy to go up and see my pwBPD. Every counselor I've seen has told me that these weekends are very positive for my mental health. In some ways, these trips are an antidote to feeling depressed, but the guilt just tears me apart.

I know my dad is unhappy and he punishes me for it quite a bit. Silent treatments. Passive aggressive fridge notes.

I feel like I can't breathe. Im doing things to make me happy but driving up to see my boyfriend makes me feel selfish. Like I'm choosing him over my family.

No matter what my choice I'm making someone unhappy. And my pwBPD is getting tired of me complaining about my father. He tells me to just get over it, but I have trouble setting limits in my relationship with my father. Mourning it almost. It's been an issue for two months.

And it's perpetuating my depression. I feel like it's killing me from the inside. I don't feel like I deserve the happiness of spending time with my partner.

I used to have this same intense codependency with my mother who I considered the more narcissistic of the two, but I spent a lot of time grieving the relationship and in time I've hit a point where she respects my boundaries enough that we still have a relationship.

After a lifetime of neglect and abuse, it's hard to feel like it's okay to be selfish.

[unicorn2014]

Hi mis, I don't know if this will help, and I don't know how old you are, but if my daughter was old enough to drive and old enough to spend the weekend at her boyfriends apartment she would definitely be old enough to move out of my home.

May I ask why you are putting the focus on building a relationship with your boyfriend rather then becoming independent from your parents when clearly they are making you miserable?

[HurtinNW]

I live at home with my parents and younger brother and spend every weekend with my boyfriend.

And it's a nightmare leaving to see him every time.

My relationship with my father is very strained. He's never truly accepted my relationship even though he likes my pwBPD and he's unhappy with how I lead my life. I barely have a good relationship with my family and my pwBPD has his own apartment and so I don't ask my bf to come up except on a rare day. Being at my house seriously stresses him out and I understand that.

I am ridiculously happy to go up and see my pwBPD. Every counselor I've seen has told me that these weekends are very positive for my mental health. In some ways, these trips are an antidote to feeling depressed, but the guilt just tears me apart.

I know my dad is unhappy and he punishes me for it quite a bit. Silent treatments. Passive aggressive fridge notes.

I feel like I can't breathe. Im doing things to make me happy but driving up to see my boyfriend makes me feel selfish. Like I'm choosing him over my family.

No matter what my choice I'm making someone unhappy. And my pwBPD is getting tired of me complaining about my father. He tells me to just get over it, but I have trouble setting limits in my relationship with my father. Mourning it almost. It's been an issue for two months.

And it's perpetuating my depression. I feel like it's killing me from the inside. I don't feel like I deserve the happiness of spending time with my partner.



I used to have this same intense codependency with my mother who I considered the more narcissistic of the two, but I spent a lot of time grieving the relationship and in time I've hit a point where she respects my boundaries enough that we still have a relationship.

After a lifetime of neglect and abuse, it's hard to feel like it's okay to be selfish.

I've highlight two statements I lovingly suggest you can work on   

It's hard when we come from families where we are conditioned to please others, and our needs become "selfish." You are not selfish for wanting to escape the dysfunction of your family, or for wanting happiness. If your father is unhappy then it is his job to fix himself.

My personal opinion is it is very hard to recover from childhood abuse and neglect while living with your abusers. Is there any way you can move out? Create some safe space for yourself? If not you are going to have to be firm when leaving. Let the chips fall. Eventually you will grow in confidence by standing up for your needs and wants.

You are choosing your boyfriend over your family. That's what young adults do. They leave the nest. I have two young adults in my home and I want them to be happy, to leave me for their own lives. That's what healthy parents do!

I know it is hard to escape this level of codependency but you need to do what you can. Are you in counseling? 12 step groups? 

[misuniadziubek]

Hi mis, I don't know if this will help, and I don't know how old you are, but if my daughter was old enough to drive and old enough to spend the weekend at her boyfriends apartment she would definitely be old enough to move out of my home.

May I ask why you are putting the focus on building a relationship with your boyfriend rather then becoming independent from your parents when clearly they are making you miserable?

Honestly, I'm not putting the focus on building the relationship, as much as I'm doing it for my mental health. Being there gives me the space to see the world rationally. While I'm at home, the anxiety and depression become so intense that I go into dissociating

a and escaping.

And the reason I live at home? I went to medical school. Wanted to quit because my depression and anxiety had gotten so bad that I was failing. Was too adamant on satisfying my parents ambitions that I let them convince me to stay for another 4 years racking up 70k of debt and eventually dropping out. Now I've got 10 years to pay it off at 600$ a month. I had two jobs for a while so my mom convinced me to finance a brand new car for 400$ a month plus insurance. Those two jobs turned into one. That turned into getting fired and since getting fired Ive been unemployed for a year. My mental health issues have prevented me from moving forward. I just started getting counseling back in October and am now working with an organization to even manage to get the most basic full time.

The positive side of my pwBPD is that he's taught me to set boundaries with my parents. In some way. In the beginning I wanted him to fix me because I was horribly dependent on my family when we first met. Now I'm aware that isn't how things go. But nonetheless, he's helped me keep my sanity. How ironic is that?

Your response felt kind of presumptive. Maybe it's just me. I'm in a terrible mood.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey mis -

After a lifetime of neglect and abuse, it's hard to feel like it's okay to be selfish.

Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.  Especially when we're in a disempowering environment which isn't going to fill us up with what we need, we need to spend extra effort filling ourselves up.  Think about what flight attendants on airplanes say: "In case of emergency and if the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first before you help children or others."  Words to live by.

I don't know your whole story, but you're under financial stress and your choices include staying in a place of "a lifetime of neglect and abuse" or with a borderline.  Your terrible mood is understandable.  Who the hell am I to say, but if it was me I'd get out, no matter what, and stay in a relationship with the borderline if you want, just don't move in.  Chances are your mental disposition will improve dramatically, and I've known several folks who didn't make it all the way through medical school either, but with some enthusiasm they were able to create careers in medicine anyway at some level.  Or not, sounds like maybe those were your parent's dreams anyway, but the most important traits are enthusiasm and a positive disposition, something you can create along with your own life, on the way to your bright future, if you say so.  Take care of you!

[unicorn2014]

Hi mis, I don't know if this will help, and I don't know how old you are, but if my daughter was old enough to drive and old enough to spend the weekend at her boyfriends apartment she would definitely be old enough to move out of my home.

May I ask why you are putting the focus on building a relationship with your boyfriend rather then becoming independent from your parents when clearly they are making you miserable?

Honestly, I'm not putting the focus on building the relationship, as much as I'm doing it for my mental health. Being there gives me the space to see the world rationally. While I'm at home, the anxiety and depression become so intense that I go into dissociating

a and escaping.

And the reason I live at home? I went to medical school. Wanted to quit because my depression and anxiety had gotten so bad that I was failing. Was too adamant on satisfying my parents ambitions that I let them convince me to stay for another 4 years racking up 70k of debt and eventually dropping out. Now I've got 10 years to pay it off at 600$ a month. I had two jobs for a while so my mom convinced me to finance a brand new car for 400$ a month plus insurance. Those two jobs turned into one. That turned into getting fired and since getting fired Ive been unemployed for a year. My mental health issues have prevented me from moving forward. I just started getting counseling back in October and am now working with an organization to even manage to get the most basic full time.

The positive side of my pwBPD is that he's taught me to set boundaries with my parents. In some way. In the beginning I wanted him to fix me because I was horribly dependent on my family when we first met. Now I'm aware that isn't how things go. But nonetheless, he's helped me keep my sanity. How ironic is that?

Your response felt kind of presumptive. Maybe it's just me. I'm in a terrible mood.

Hi mis I apologize for sounding presumptive. I think that there is a certain kind of healing that can only take place once one fully individuates from their parents and even financial independence doesn't guarantee that. I can also say that getting in the wrong relationship before fully separating from one's parents can have disastrous results.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. What has worked for you in the past to improve your mood?

[Grey Kitty]

My first thought was that living at home with your parents doesn't sound healthy for you.

Given your situation, you sound like you will be there for a while longer, healthy or not.

My next thought is back to your topic title:

Setting and enforcing boundaries with your parents is your answer, and I think you know that already.

Letting yourself feel guilty, but doing the boundary enforcement anyway is part of it too.

On a different topic--what else can you do to take care of yourself? Getting out of the house to be with your bf on the weekends is very good for you. Can you get out during the week and spend time alone or with other friends that will feed you emotionally? I know when I was living with difficult people just getting out of the house to walk for an hour or two did me a lot of good.