Advice please

[LilMe]

My uBPD and I have 50/50 custody agreement for our 7 and 8 year old.  We have a 1 1/2 year old that is not yet on the custody agreement.  We currently live together, but are not married.  You can read my old posts for a more detailed history.

I have been keeping a journal of his verbal and mental abuse of myself and the children.  I have recorded some too.  I have pictures of bruises on my son from uBPD punishing him with a fiberglass dowel.  I applied for and was approved for legal aid and have what seems to be a really good lawyer.  I also have access to a lawyer specializing in DV cases if I need help or have questions.

My delimma is that I do not want to disregard the parenting plan, but my children are scared of their father and do not want to be left alone with him.  He is volatile and cannot control his anger.  He is also becoming more and more verbal and intimidating to me in front of the children.  I had to call the police in order to go for a planned visit to see my mom for her 70th birthday with the children.  He would not let me leave and took my cell phone away.  I am supposed to return home tomorrow and not sure what will happen.

Does anyone have experience with breaking a court ordered visitation agreement?  My lawyer feels we have evidence and really good case to modify the parenting plan, but it will take time to get before the judge.  Do I move out and bring the children back for visitation?  Or respect their wishes and do not make them go with him alone?  Ugh, it is so hard!

My momstincts say to protect my children and not make them go back until we get this issue resolved.  But I read about cases where the mother withheld court ordered visitation and it was detrimental to her case.  I suspect when we return home tomorrow evening there will be trouble and I will be forced to leave.  (He told me he was starting the eviction process to get me out with a lawyer today.) 

I have been extremely careful to not alienate the children from their father.  His behaviors alone alienate them   When I asked them what they would like to have for visitation with them they said they didn't want to see him ever again.  When I said what if they had to see him, my 7 year old son says' I want to see him overnight - drop me off at bedtime and pick me up first thing in the morning so we will only be there while we are sleeping'.  My heart feels like it is being ripped right out of me!

Any advice or experience in a similar situation would be great!

[ForeverDad]

If you feel that your children need protection from the other parent, then it ought to be okay to inform him that you will not provide unsupervised parenting time until you two can come before a judge to decide how to proceed.  That way you're not "obstructing" the parenting plan but rather you have noticed concerning behaviors and for the children's welfare you are taking steps to protect them pending court, social services or other agency review and determination.  Courts should should acknowledge and take into consideration that you are putting the safety and welfare of the children now above an order made in the past.

What complicates matters is that you are living with him.  At some point, with him behaving worse and the relationship gradually worsening, it is likely you will have to choose - the adult relationship or the children.  You probably wish there was some middle ground but we've observed that if the other parent isn't in progressing long term therapy (and in your case is behaving worse) then you will have to be the one to make needed changes.

Keep in mind the frog and the hot water analogy... .You jump out of immediate danger but you adapt to slow changes.

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser — Dr Joe Carver, PhD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56157.0;all

Have you heard the story of the frog and the pot of water?  Drop a frog into hot water and it will immediately jump out.  Drop a frog into lukewarm water and it will stay and soon you'll have boiled frog.  Please know when to jump.

Some have even commented here that their child protection agencies could view you as enabling the abuse or risk of abuse.  Do you want to be perceived potentially as part of the problem?

Hopefully others here will add their thoughts.

[LilMe]

Thank you for responding. I was recently approved for legal aid and have a lawyer. But it will take time to modify the order. I am ready to leave, but not ready to leave the children alone with him for visitation. I went to visit my mom with the children  for a couple days on her birthday last week and he flipped out and has a lawyer appointment tomorrow to let the judge know I broke the parenting plan and went when it would have been his visitation time. Yes, it's nuts because we still live together. He doesn't know I have a lawyer yet. To be clear, the adult relationship is over.

I like the idea of letting him know I am waiting on the judge to decide. When I serve him with the paperwork from my lawyer that sounds like the way to handle it.  It is so hard just waiting. It seems like time has stopped.  But thank you, that is exactly the kind of advice I needed.

I don't think I am enabling the abuse as I am able to stop him when I am here. I am taking steps to get the children and I legally out of danger. I will hotline him if I have any doubt that I can't handle it. It is possible my lawyer will hotline him as we have mandatory reporting laws in my state.

[livednlearned]

My momstincts say to protect my children and not make them go back until we get this issue resolved.  But I read about cases where the mother withheld court ordered visitation and it was detrimental to her case.

Hi LilMe. I'm sorry, just seeing your post now.

I went through a similar dilemma, and my L trusted me enough, and knew the judge in our case enough to feel she could uphold my decision to violate the order. Where I live, it's called an ex parte motion to suspend visitation. In some states, these motions get approved very quickly, and then a hearing is set, also quite quickly (like within 6 weeks). Where I live, it took 2 months to get the hearing in front of a judge, and in that time, my son did not have to see his dad. My L felt, based on the evidence I provided, that we would be able to justify the suspension in visitation.

If it helps, I did read recently that BPD fathers tend to become consumed by their relationship with the adult, and not with the child. With BPD mothers, it is apparently the opposite, which raises equally difficult but different challenges. In practice, for us, I think what we see more often is that the dads get riled up about the legality of what we do more than they get riled up about not seeing or taking care of the kids. When that behavior/attitude shows up in front of a judge, it looks weird and the court tends to sniff it out. Dads here are good dads who care about their kids. In court, though, I think there may be more than the normal share of deadbeat or sub par dads, so one more is not a stretch of the imagination for judges. In other words, you have gender on your side to some extent.

I have been extremely careful to not alienate the children from their father.  His behaviors alone alienate them   When I asked them what they would like to have for visitation with them they said they didn't want to see him ever again.  When I said what if they had to see him, my 7 year old son says' I want to see him overnight - drop me off at bedtime and pick me up first thing in the morning so we will only be there while we are sleeping'.  My heart feels like it is being ripped right out of me!

I feel your pain. Trust your instincts and work with your lawyer. And don't worry anymore about alienation, just listen to your instincts. Your job is to protect your kids, and validate how they feel. They know exactly what's going on, even at their young ages. They can't put it into words like an adult, but in some ways they also don't have the boat loads of rationalizations that we develop over the years. When my son started talking straight, I realized he understand PDs better than any adult I talked to.

I wish I didn't let myself get so worried about alienation. My ex lobbed that accusation at me constantly and I learned to brush it off. I found the language to describe the complexity of their relationship and how dysfunctional it was, first to myself, then to my lawyer and then to the judge. It was specific to my situation, working with the language in the allegations and poking holes to show that there was nothing there. The reason it is hard for us to find this language, I believe, is because we have learned over the years to distrust our own inner emotional logic. Part of putting things back together is learning to trust ourselves again.

It gave me strength that I was doing the right thing and I've never looked back.



LnL

[LilMe]

Thanks LnL.  It is encouraging to hear your story!  I am a little gun shy about this whole legal thing as my exBPDh took me to court and 'proved' a bunch of stuff that was completely made up.  I didn't have any money and a really crappy lawyer who just sat there and didn't say anything to defend me and didn't even submit the evidence I had provided.  It was the worst experience of my life.

My current lawyer seems really good.  I am trying to be patient!  She is supposed to file paperwork this week.  I feel I should not leave until that is done.  But uBPD is slowly cutting me off from the world.  Last week he removed me from all financial accounts so I have access to no money.  This week he is threatening to shut off our home phone and internet.  We live 10 miles from the nearest gas station and 20 miles from town and only go there once or twice a week so this is scary.  I have limited reception with my cell here - maybe half the time it will barely work.  He twists everything and says I will move out only because we do not have internet.  The hardest part is to NOT believe and buy into his craziness!

Sadly, my children 7 and 8 and even the baby help me keep my sanity.  uBPD says I never do anything and am lazy constantly.  Finally yesterday my 7 year old son said 'so I suppose that is her spirit floating around cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and teaching us school?'.  It is amazing how strong and insightful children can be!  On a bad note - my 19 month old is learning to talk and mimics everything she hears.  He has called me a f***head so many times that she now yells that at him when he is yelling at me!  When I cry she hugs me and says mama, mama.  :'(  Ugh!

Formflier will be proud of me   I had to call the police in order to leave, but I went to see my mom for a couple of days with the children for her 70th birthday!  uBPD normally will not let me take the children to see any of my family.  Leaving was traumatic, but we had a couple of really nice, relaxing days.  I look forward to many more days like that in the future!

[ForeverDad]

Isolation from family and friends is a common "divide and conquer" tactic used by people with BPD (probably other acting-out PDs too).  So are the horrendous negative claims ("distortion campaigns" that you're horrible, lazy and deserve the abuse dished out on you.  He is a jerk and even worse, verbally abusive.   You need to emotionally accept that what he rants about is his purposeful tactic to tear you down, to weaken you and isn't true.  That should help you 'weather the storm' and come out of it stronger than you went in.  An emotional umbrella or emotional shield.

Boundaries are good.  You've already started setting them.  Understand that since you can't force change on your SO, then your boundaries have to be for you.  For example, one you're making now is "As long as you are obstructing, sabotaging and disrespecting me, I will remove you from my life."

Is your lawyer requesting child support while the case is pending?  Is your lawyer filing for you to have possession of the home as well or else spousal support to pay your expenses elsewhere?  I don't know how your state addresses spousal support for unmarried people.  All you get may be child support?  If there are multiple cars then ask for a decent one for you to use.  My point is that you shouldn't be timid and ask for little.  This is the time to see what protections and advantages you can get.  Likely you won't get it all but... .if you don't ask then don't expect court to read your mind or read your needs.

I'm guessing your lawyer will itemize to the court all the things he's cut you off from?  Accounts, vehicles, ability to find work, etc.

What was the reason you were in court before where your first lawyer did nothing to help and protect you?

[LilMe]

I managed to get myself into a big, confusing mess, ForeverDad.  My 1st husband took me back to court for a modification a few years ago.  My current uBPD picked the worthless lawyer and paid for it since I was a stay-at-home mom with no income.

My current BPD and I are not legally married.  Our home is in his name only, but the car is joint owned with him.  He can't drive, he is blind, so I am not too worried about taking the car when I go.  It is paid for.  I have a place lined up to move to and my mom gave me a little money to tide me over until I get back to work.  I also can have my old job back whenever I am ready.  I moved out about 2 years ago and he hired a lawyer and served me with a parenting plan.  I had no lawyer or money so I signed off on it.  It is a 50/50 agreement, but when I am not around he is physical and mentally abusive to the children.  Thanks to advice here and reading everything I can get my hands on, I have solid evidence (journal, photos, recordings).  He gets disability for being blind and the children get a check each month.  Right now it is paid to him and if I leave, our agreement is he gives me half.  I moved back when I found out I was pregnant and he went to his lawyer and drew up plans for 50/50 with the baby.  I exclusively breastfeed and couldn't imagine leaving my newborn with anyone, let alone a blind man.

I now have a legal aid lawyer and they are supposed to file paperwork this week.  I do not want to leave and break our custody agreement until the paperwork in filed.  He already went to his lawyer and said I broke the agreement when I went to see my mom.  Yes, it is a big mess, but I am determined to dig my way out!

[ForeverDad]

I can't imagine any court viewing a few days away with the kids as "breaking the agreement".  Life happens.  There are always exceptions to a schedule.  Court expects parents to be reasonably normal as handle such as adult parents.  What he says to his lawyer means virtually nothing, it is court that counts.  If he took that instance, a weekend away with relatives, to court he'd almost surely lose, especially since it hasn't been a longstanding pattern of obstruction on your part.  Although there are no guarantees, his bark is worse than his bite, in this instance, somewhat toothless.

Are all three children his?  Understand that unless you've let him adopt, he has no custody or parenting authority over any children not his.

As for the car, at some point you need to clean up the title and get it registered in your name only.  Why not get a couple Title Change forms and have them with you every time you go to court.  He might agree to changing the title when the other issues are handled.  So think ahead, be prepared by having the papers with you.  That way you get the title fixed right there on the spot, people with BPD are notorious for refusing to comply later with verbal promises made in court.

[LilMe]

Good advice on the car title!   I am having a hard time thinking straight these days.  Yes, they are all 3 his children.

The lawyer's assistant just called and they will have the paperwork ready to sign and file early next week.  I am starting to have mild panic attacks.  Hopefully my heart isn't actually doing what it feels like!  The children have an activity with other homeschoolers this afternoon and it will be a relief to get out of here for a few hours.  Now if I can just make it another week or less!