Are These Unreasonable Expecations For A Step-Parent?

[Turkish]

My son, 6, was talking today about going up to a mountain and taking pictures. We were having Easter lunch with my mom, my Ex and the kids.

My Ex said that this referred to last week when she asked if I could take the kids to S6's evening class. I was going to step in and rescue, but someone else told me that it's my Ex's responsibility to arrange for child care on her time. So I said that I couldn't do it.

She had her husband take the kids. They had been texting and they were to all meet at her parents' house, which is ten mins away from the class. He didn't show with the kids until half and hour to 45 mins later than expected. His explanation was that there was a nice sunset and he wanted to take the kids up the hill to watch it. She got mad at him and said that he should have asked. He argued that he needed to trust her when he had the kids and that they were safe. She said, "they're my kids, and you need to tell me things like that or ask."

She was relating this in a calm way (the kids were at the table), but she said that they were arguing about it, so I know that it wasn't exactly a calm conversation. I thought about it for a minute and said, "well, yeah, even if it were me, I probably would have sent you a text to let you know what we were doing and that we'd be a little late." Meaning me as the father even if we were together. Of course her core anxiety and fear of loss exacerbated this, I'm sure.

My overall impression of their r/s is that she doesn't give him enough authority as the "father" in that household. Sometimes, it seems that he may have better parenting instincts than she does.

My bias is that a then 23 year old "kid" who hooks up with then 31 year old woman with two small children who fixed herself to never have kids again, he gets what he gets.

Was she unreasonable? Him? Making a big deal out of nothing?

[Panda39]

I think it is just common courtesy to call or text if you are going to be late not matter who you are. 

Panda39

[Nope]

As a step parent I agree with your assessment that if he was going to be showing up that much later than expected that he should have sent a quick text letting her know what's up. Of course, after fifteen minutes she should have sent him a message asking what was up if it was going to make her that anxious. It's simply about good communication.

But I also feel that step parents whom are asked to take on some of the caretaking and driving for the kids should be treated like more than just glorified babysitters. Either he was thoughtless in not communicating with her that be would be late or he was intentionally trying to take some of the authority she won't give him.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like he maybe he needed some space and did not want to ask for it... .

'Snuck' out for some self care with kids to have a moment that he and kids could relax and appreciate.

Maybe delaying anticipated stressful evening?

I am getting the sense that this dude takes step-parenting seriously and cares for the kids and may find solace in sharing positive things with them.

That is the sense I get anyway.  So far what I have heard about him, it seems the kids are lucky to have someone who is attentive towards them in the house they live.

[Turkish]

But I also feel that step parents whom are asked to take on some of the caretaking and driving for the kids should be treated like more than just glorified babysitters. Either he was thoughtless in not communicating with her that be would be late or he was intentionally trying to take some of the authority she won't give him.

I agree with this. No matter that he is the homewrecker (and I still think it's weird that he attached to an older woman with kids), he's the father figure in that household. And yes, Sun, it seems that he tries to do the right thing by them. It annoyed me when she told me last October that she told him, "Turkish would do anything to protect the children. He boxed, is good with guns... ." Triangulation in absentia?

She invited us to her parents' house for a bbq this afternoon. Given that t was technically her weekend and she give it up, we went. Her H showed up later, half an hour as we were about to leave. He walked by her, said something and she ignored him. Not even a touch. Quite a change from not even a year ago when they were still in the idealization phase, just before he moved in.

I almost think I shouldn't have said anything at lunch, and I tried to be as non reactive as possible. Given that she had said they got into an argument, I may have lightly reinforced what was already there, the communication dysfunction and her issues. That, I'm not responsible for.

I still validate the kids whenever they mention him, which is rarely. I find that strange. When we left, I had them say goodbye to the room full of people. They didn't acknowledge him. I was tempted to make them do so, but I didn't.

[bravhart1]

I frequently believe that pwBPD do not give people the benefit of the doubt. Which would make her think she needed to second guess and control him.

Furthermore I believe they jump to conclusions more often than not, which means even if step dad had just simply seen a pretty sunset and wanted to share it with the kids and thought it would have taken only a few minutes and it took longer than expected. She would have not understood, or let him explain and be understood. (My personal take on it was that it became wrong for one reason only, it had nothing to do with HER)

Should he have texted or called? Probably, but it sounds like mom over reacted and now continues to justify her bad behavior by describing him as unreliable to others. Which is pretty demeaning.

Normal people cut people slack of for 15 minutes. Step parents or otherwise. And he was showing her kids a flippin sunset, she should be thankful he cared enough to do a nice thing for the kids.

I guess she hasn't grown emotionally or become more aware of her propensity to only think of herself. Imagine that.

[Turkish]

I hear you bravehart1. That's why I paused, and said, "yeah, he probably should have texted you." It wouldn't have come up if S6 hadn't mentioned it. I was hesitant to say anything.  I have admitted that I'm not completely objective here. Maybe i should have said something wisemind, but their argument had already happened. I would, however, have given him the benefit of the doubt, and certainly wouldn't have started an argument with a hypothetical step-mom to my kids. For her to say, "they are my kids!" While technically true, is disrespectful. This is the guy you married and chose to be a SF. For better or worse? This is nothing. I can't imagine being or thinking like that about a step mom to my kids.

A year before she left, I was so enmeshed in the anxiety/object constancy, that I rear ended someone at a yield lane going onto the expressway two miles from our house. She had just texted me, asking where i was even though I was 10 mins earlier than when I said I would be home. I internalized her anxiety.

[bravhart1]

It was definitely not your responsibility to keep this from coming up as topic, or to answer in any way to fix it.

But if I may add as you seem to be looking for something here and I'd like to give it to you... .

New step dad, yeah, he's getting a little something called karma.

He wanted this, now he's got it. All her mess, her crazy and her spinning him into that anxiety ridden dude that USED to be you, that's his now. We wanted it so bad he took it from you.

Be careful what you wish for and all that... .

[Turkish]

"Having is not so pleasant as wanting." -Spock

For them both.

Meanwhile, innocent kids are in the middle of potentially a huge mess. That's the sad commonality of what brings us all here.

[bravhart1]

Yes, I understand. But moms a mess no matter if she's in another r/s or not. They have you.

I get that you wanted step dad to be successful with her where you weren't but we aren't that lucky and it won't be that easy.