But these fantasies are misplaced. Instead of fantasizing and obsessing about her return, I need to accept that she did not author these feelings of longing for someone who treated me so unfairly and so poorly for so long. That these were feelings I had for years before meeting her, and that they will remain unless I address them and work on increasing my self worth.
Where do you think that these feelings come from? I felt simlilarly, and I know my story. What's yours?
It's very clear for me where these feelings came from. I had a childhood where my parents constantly fought, my mom parentified me, cried all the time, blamed me for her sorrows and yet I would constantly try to do something to make her happy... .from making tea when she was depressed to trying to be perfect in school with the best grades. Of course nothing I could do made her happy. Nothing. Maybe for an hour or two but then she would neglect and feel depressed again, and cry and blame and shame. These desperate attempts to gain love have carried over to my relationship with my BPDx. Those feelings that this time it will be different have also carried over, which is why I continue to fantasize about my BPDx appearing at my door and us galloping into the sunset together.
Does this mean that if I had a normal childhood my relationship with my BPDx would be fine? Hardly. Because I would have never been attracted to her to begin with and neither would she have been to me.
