So glad to have found this web-site

[April123]

It feels so good to know that I am not alone.  I have read just some of the posts in the forum and already feel a connection with many of the people writing.  I have spent the last twenty years trying to help my daughter only to feel as though I'm going round in circles. I don't know anyone else who is dealing with these particular problems and it's only recently that I heard about BPD.  Research led me to this site and I'm very grateful to have found it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

Hi and welcome.  I joined about 2 months ago now and felt exactly the same as you.  It was such a relief to realize there are a lot of well-meaning and conscientious parents in similar situations who are struggling with the isolation, stigma and complications of mental illness in their offspring whether adult or child.  The support both from other posters or from the lessons and tools etc on the right hand side are wonderful and really make a  difference.  I'd never heard of BPD until 9 months ago when my BPDD33 was diagnosed for the first time and it has been a massive learning curve.  I have moved from despair to hope.  I hope you find the same.   

[wendydarling]

Hi April123 and welcome.    I'm also glad you found us, you are not alone. My 27 yr daughter was finally diagnosed last July and last week started DBT which they say will be between 12-24 months in duration, dependant on her progress. They also spoke to her of possibly following DBT with schema therapy and or mentalisation therapy if appropriate.  After so many visits to Drs over the years she finally feels she is being listened to and is in good hands in the sense of a setting in place long term treatment plan.  We are hopeful.

How old is your daughter, has she been diagnosed with BPD and is she willing to gain treatment? 

To the right of the page are tools and lessons to help us better understand and communicate with our BPDs. 

How are you coping?  It's important we care for ourselves first, which can be hard when we are dealing with crisis and crisis and the post traumatic stress... .that bites us in the rear, well it has bitten me, if no one else.

WDx

[April123]

It's so good to hear from you.  My daughter is 43 and refuses to accept that she may have any mental health issues.  She has been hospitalised on numerous occasions over the last twenty years for physical health problems and despite a suicide attempt no doctor of any description has picked up on the BPD.  I hadn't heard of it until recently it was only when I read a book, When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs where I recognised so many of her behaviours that I finally began to realise what is going on. 

It has been a bewildering time I realise that there may have been problems before but it was only when she had children, she has 3 the eldest is 22 yr, that the behaviours began to be really noticeable.  I used to feel that our relationship became one where she threw plates in the air and I ran to catch them, when I met my second husband he ran to catch them too.  There where many times over the years when  I wanted to walk away and if it hadn't been for the children I think that I may have but we couldn't leave them. 

None of her children live with her now, after her suicide attempt her ex husband took her to court and after a long battle was granted sole custody of their youngest child.  She has recently met up with her first boyfriend and for now seems to have found some happiness.  My husband can't take any more and does everything her can for our grandchildren and will support me in trying to help my daughter but keeps his distance from her.  He says and I understand that he can't take any more drama. 

I am taking care of myself I've had counselling over the years to try to deal with the situation and make sense of it that helped but as I say it's only when I started to read about BPD that anything made sense.

April123 x

[lbjnltx]

Hi April123,

Glad that you are here!

Finding the balance between self care and walking away can be tough.

Have you read up on value based boundaries here on the site? 

I see boundaries as a way to stay in relationship with our troubled children/adult children.  My boundaries can protect the relationship by providing the safety I value (emotionally, mentally, physically) in my interactions with my daughter so that I don't have to completely walk away.  I can just enforce my set boundaries and take a time out while she does too.

Does this sound like something that can work for your relationship with your daughter?

lbj

[forannie]

 

Hello April123... .

My daughter 22 (mom of twin boys 20 months old... .that I now have to take care of along with taking care of her) was diagnosed 7 months ago, luckily she didn't go through years and years of mystery like others I've read about. But once I read about DBT I thought back to her childhood and recognized signs of this from way back. She is in a DBT treatment program .  I , like you was so relieved to find that I'm not alone. This is a complicated diagnosis when you are the "care taker".  There's no "magic formula". What works with one person may not work as well with another. Also, what works one time may not work as well the second time. People and I mean even other family members , tend to not understand that a lot of the things that we do are "counter intuitive" meaning not what one would normally believe as helpful in certain situations. I get a lot of "you're babying her" or "you're doing too much for her" or "why are you not more angry at the things she does" . Others don't seem to realize that this cannot be handled in a punitive way, that being hard headed and argumentative is only going to make things worse. It is also the hardest thing for us to do as parents. At least this is my experience.  I hope you find answers and some comfort here.

[wendydarling]

Hi April123

Good to hear from you.   I also find it bewildering, that BPD is not part of social and parenting education yesteryear and today, out there accepting and accessible for all.  I guess it's still the living stigma of mental health issues and from that lack of funding - so very unfair for the affected. Ok. I'll get off my podium now. 

We can be leaders in our field ... .still learning my BPD world with everyone here. Wising you a good day when you wake.

WDx

[Debmark]

I feel the same as everyone else on here. My daughter is24and she has struggled since she was 16. She has had many hospitalizations through the years and is currently in the hospital. She does well for awhile then regresses. She has been in DPT therapy, she has also been in 2 different residential therapy, many "monthly" stays in hospitals and 2 times she was in a state mental hospital where she was there 11 months the first time and 10 months the second time. I find that no one understands what she is going through and I find myself defending myself to others because I go see her often, defend her to others. I don't think if anyone wanted to walk in our shoes they would take take those shoes off quick. I finally feel hope since finding this site.